[INFJ] Advice: INTJ female in a budding relationship with an INFJ male

[pandorasbox]

Hi everyone, this is my first post, but I thought I'd come to this forum to seek some advice on developing what I think is a budding relationship with an INFJ male. I'm an INTJ female that has fallen for him, if that information helps at all.

I tend to pose as an ENTJ as a business student, and the INFJ is the first person since I started university I can be around in my own self. He said so the same thing to me, third meeting in. We met and bonded easily after our second college lecture together, and we've hung out once every week or so, depending on our schedules, because they are often in conflict. Sometimes we manage to catch each other online and we talk for a while, but just casually. We both have a lot of separate commitments; he works, I work, and I keep a full course load including extra-curricular activities. We don't live near each other, and we only have a class together. We've then since hung out on Valentine's, watching dorky movies and all - and he's given me gifts, which I reciprocate as well. He's an aspiring writer, and I illustrate his characters for him.

I've been beginning to pull back slightly, since our friendship (let's call it that) has sped up really fast, and I'm not sure how to handle all the emotions, and I want time for him to think things through as well, and date only when he's ready, since he was in an unhealthy relationship a few years back and is still recovering from it. We met again yesterday after our Valentine's date, and I realized he was super shy - as was I. I don't know what to do now, if I should keep the friendship at this stage, and wait for him to be ready, or if I should be more direct towards him. He already told me I could "hold his hand whenever I wanted to" but I'm uncertain how I should react to any of this. I don't want to ruin our friendship since we have class together, and everything can just go sour, and awkward.

Like a typical INTJ female, I really prefer closure in terms of whether or not if he really likes me, since then I could plan my summer term and work accordingly . If he or isn't ready yet, at least I know where we are, and we can work something out or remain friends. Also, I have several male friends including an INTJ, INTP, ENTJ and ESFJ, who to the INFJ I've been communicating to, that they are only friends. I understand INFJs can be clingy at times, but I do want to be able to express that I enjoy having intellectual male acquaintances and will still have to work with them in my faculty, but who won't ever be more than friends or acquaintances.

Any advice or comments related to an INTJ female & INFJ male relationship would be very much appreciated. I've never had an intimate relationship, and call me idealistic or romantic, I don't think I'd find anyone else where we share such similar bonds and family parallels. Perhaps my first relationship with an INFJ male will set me up for extremely high expectations in the future, and always disappoint myself. I hope this relationship will work, because I've never, ever, felt this close to another person, male or female, family or acquaintance, before. Thanks a bunch!

 

[Nitesteamer]

Sounds to me like the program your on now is working well.
Oh, and, hold his hand.

 

[pandorasbox]

Sounds to me like the program your on now is working well.
Oh, and, hold his hand.

That's really good to hear. Now to find a way to grab hold of his hand in a casual way...

Just a bit of update: he asked if I liked him, and I said yes. I asked him back if he likes me, and he responded immediately with a yes. I'm surprised at how straightforward everything is, but that's what I like most, I guess. Now I'm just wondering when it's a good time to introduce him to my friends, since he hasn't made a comment on introducing me to his friends yet, either. I joked lightly beforehand about the introductions, but I actually don't know how to go through with this. It's probably a good idea to wait until he's ready, right?

Except, from what I tell my friends, they already think he's a great person.

 

[aureliusandoinky]

All I can say is that from my experience INFJ's and INTJ's are great together (from my extremely limited experience). My best friend for 8 years now is an INTJ. I hope it works out for you both.

 

[Adi]

Well, I am sure you already know that no one could tell you a safe recipe for your situation. I am an INFJ male, and I would suggest, if you really like the guy, it just let the relationship evolve on it's own. I don't know too many things about these types and every type's features, but I could tell you what I think. I think he already likes you a lot, but is a little afraid of you not liking him back, and with the bad past experiences he is just a little cautious. If you like him and you are really considering to have a romantic relationship with him, just let him know that. I think you would be surprised of the outcome. However, bare in mind that we are feelings oriented persons, and prepare yourself for a big wave of emotions coming from him. And above all, don't break his heart! That, he may never forgive or forget you for! And don't look for a certain opportunity to hold his hand. Just do it the first time you are taking a walk. I am quite sure he will like that! Good luck!

 

[pandorasbox]

It's been a while since I visited this forum; and what's between my INFJ and I are becoming a lot more serious, except we're thinking about taking things slow for now. We hit a bit of an awkward stage recently, but I think we both understand the potential we have together in a long-term relationship. He's grown on me and we're more introspective when we hang around now. He shows his introvert, idealistic, and emotional side around me and we have fantastic conversations together that can go from being philosophical to witty, and back to nonsensical Ni-driven conversations.

All I can say is that from my experience INFJ's and INTJ's are great together (from my extremely limited experience). My best friend for 8 years now is an INTJ. I hope it works out for you both.

Thanks for your post! May I ask what one of the most rewarding connections you have with your INTJ?

For my INFJ and I, we're able to relate to each other about issues in society, and bond over our dislike for apathy. The thing is, he attributes most of society's problems to greed, wealth, and insincerity while I think it's just a fundamental flaw in any human society, because of the way society is systematized. But despite the Te-Fi difference we're able to understand each other. That's what's been really rewarding so far, I've never had been able to hold a deep discussion and express views on life, love, the world, and future with another person so genuinely. He feels the same way too.

Well, I am sure you already know that no one could tell you a safe recipe for your situation. I am an INFJ male, and I would suggest, if you really like the guy, it just let the relationship evolve on it's own. I don't know too many things about these types and every type's features, but I could tell you what I think. I think he already likes you a lot, but is a little afraid of you not liking him back, and with the bad past experiences he is just a little cautious. If you like him and you are really considering to have a romantic relationship with him, just let him know that.

Hi!! Thanks for commenting. :3

We've verbally expressed that we'd like to take things slow and see how the relationship evolves. But what I absolutely love about him is that he's genuinely patient and understanding when I tell him I've never dated, and I'm new at everything under the relationships umbrella. I brought up the idea of dating casually recently, but he says he's not ready and doesn't want to be "held down" in the event we "accidentally have kids before we're ready and have to give up on his aspirations". I was absolutely floored that a 20 year old college student who's very attractive, confident, down-to-earth, and has no problem being extroverted would link "girlfriend" to issues like 'marriage" and "kids". Then again, INFJ behavior?

I told him I'm not interested yet either, since I'm busy. He was a bit upset at that, and tried to make me jealous by mentioning girls he know and that "it's easy for a white guy to date Asians". I played it cool and told him to "go for it, if he wants to" (I don't want to be needy), and we had a brief misunderstanding there. I think he may really like me because when I joked later he sometimes amused me, he said that "at least I'm good for something." Again, misunderstanding caused by my infuriating Te... But I think it's all solved now, since I texted him later in the night and let him know I cared about him, but wasn't ready to express my feelings, and I didn't want him to get any other ideas that I wasn't interested in him. I won't see him for two weeks, but it seems so far, we're both willing to work things out and take everything slow.

I think you would be surprised of the outcome. However, bare in mind that we are feelings oriented persons, and prepare yourself for a big wave of emotions coming from him. And above all, don't break his heart! That, he may never forgive or forget you for! And don't look for a certain opportunity to hold his hand. Just do it the first time you are taking a walk. I am quite sure he will like that! Good luck!

Oh, the feelings, them. xD; I don't want to hurt him at all, and I'm doing my best to express feelings but it's still quite hard for me. I think he knows, and he's been very patient and understanding. I don't want to take him for granted, and I've commuted my way out to see him before his class, and he's warmed up quite a lot after that. Unfortunately we haven't really had physical contact lately, but we hug, poke each other, and do other stuff. He knows I'm not an overly physical-contact person so we'll see how things go.

Thanks.

 

[aureliusandoinky]

Thanks for your post! May I ask what one of the most rewarding connections you have with your INTJ?

Not sure I totally get what you're asking, but I'll give it a shot. What I like about my INTJ best friend is that she sees the world in much the same way as I do. We agree on most things, and we can relate our thoughts very well together. We understand each other and that's hard to find for an INFJ. The thing I dislike about her is that she can't always see the emotional side of things. If she has hurt someones feelings she won't apologize. This seriously disturbs me because I feel like she just doesn't care at all. She comes off as insensitive and rude, and she won't realize it until someone beats it into her head.