Are you wired for love? Your attachment style

[Keirouen]

I had love related problems so the topic of love became once again VERY interesting to me. Without further ado, I read the following book:

Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Talkin

There are 3 key points in this book. What interested me were the 3 attachment styles. There's also the concept of a "couple bubble."

"A couple bubble is an intimate environment that the partners create and sustain together and that implicitly guarantees such things as:"

• “I will never leave you."
• “I will never frighten you purposely."
• “When you are in distress, I will relieve you, even if I’m the one who is causing the distress."
• “Our relationship is more important than my need to be right, your performance, your appearance, what other people think or want, or any other competing value."
• “You will be the first to hear about anything and not the second, third, or fourth person I tell."

For the ones of you interested in a little extra depth -here is a frequently mentioned concept of primitives and ambassadors. In a relationship usually ambassadors keep a relationship joyful and primitives threaten to destroy all that is good.

Primitives:

• Amygdalae Pick up threat signals (e g , dangerous words and phrases; dangerous faces, voices, sounds, movements, postures, smells)
• Hypothalamus Releases chemicals in the brain and gives instructions to the pituitary and adrenal glands to release stress chemicals into the body; signals the need to fight, flee, or freeze
• Pituitary and adrenal glands Receive commands from the hypothalamus to release stress chemicals
• Dorsal motor vagal complex (dumb vagus) Reacts to stress or danger by extensively slowing the cardiovascular and respiratory systems

Ambassadors:

• Ventral vagal complex (smart vagus) Exerts a calming effect by slowing the cardiovascular and respiratory systems (e g , by a long, slow exhale)
• Hippocampus Handles short-term and long-term memory, controls anti-stress hormones, and tracks location and direction
• Insula Provides awareness of internal bodily cues (e g , gut feelings), including cues associated with attachment and empathy
• Right brain Nonverbal and intuitive; specializes in social and emotional processing (e g , empathy) and body awareness
• Left brain Verbal and logical; specializes in processing detailed information and integrating complex sounds and word meanings
• Orbitofrontal cortex Serves as the moral and empathic center, communicates with ambassadors and primitives alike, keeping them in check

These are the 3 attachment styles:

Strengths:

Anchor

• Secure as individuals.
• Willing to commit and fully share with another Generally happy people.
• Adapt easily to the needs of the moment

Island

• Independent and self-reliant.
• Take good care of themselves.
• Productive and creative, especially when given space.
• Low maintenance

Wave

• Generous and giving.
• Focused on taking care of others Happiest when around other people Able to see both sides of an issue

Now for the weaknesses:

Island

• Feeling intruded upon.
• Feeling trapped, out of control.
• Fear of too much intimacy.
• Fear of being blamed

Wave

• Fear of being abandoned by your partner.
• Fear of being separated from your partner.
• Discomfort at being alone for too long.
• Feeling you are a burden

(It seems Anchors don't have a weakness)

Now that you have a broad idea of the 3 attachment styles -which one do you most identify with?

Overview: This book is about showing how these 3 attachment styles can ALL be compatible with having a "couple bubble." My personal conclusion is that to have a TRUE couple bubble both partners NEED to be Anchors. A Wave and an Island are the absolute worst combination. (Why my relationship didn't work out.) Anything and an Anchor can in theory be successful. A wave and a wave would probably kill each other (imagine this movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098621/) An Island and an Island is... take a moment to imagine two people sitting at opposite ends of a large room both on their laptop doing two very different things. Anchor and Anchor would be the most sweet and adorable relationship that lasts decades and is full of smiles and fond memories

What do you think of the idea of a "couple bubble?" Can it work?

Can you think of examples of these pairings in movies and shows?

Anchor + Anchor
Wave + Wave
Island + Island
Wave + Island

Let's make it more interesting. Can you correlate MBTI types with these attachment styles?

 

[Nixie]

MBTI correlation? Uh no.

Couple bubble sounds interesting and most people just kind of think of it in terms of..oh, I don't know...commitment?

I doubt very much that anybody consists within any type of "style" but like most things, merely has a preference for one versus the other.

Surprisingly, I don't think this sounds like complete hogwash although the terminology is so bs sounding. I think that people have buttons and triggers that push them toward so called "island" and "wave" behaviors. When they meet people who enable them to grow or offer support in such a way that they feel validated, they are capable of stabilizing into more of an "anchor". However dealing with triggers and the unwanted negative behavior isn't easy so a lot of times an individual will maintain "island" behavior as avoidance and "wave" behavior to mask low self esteem issues. However, unless truly damaged, most people have "anchor" tendencies in various areas because they have developed healthy coping skills.

It's just a matter of finding compatible neurosis.