being attracted to people in relationships

Jana

Jana

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Really, is it me or what???
I have tendency lately to fall for engaged people. I would go against myself if I try something, I am maybe oldfashioned, but I don't want to cme in between. It is not moral. Period.
But why...
1. Is it bad luck?
2. Is it me, maybe my mind just don't want returned feelings, could it be that I do it on purpouse???

Have anybody similar problems?
 
Jana said:
Really, is it me or what???
I have tendency lately to fall for engaged people. I would go against myself if I try something, I am maybe oldfashioned, but I don't want to cme in between. It is not moral. Period.
But why...
1. Is it bad luck?
2. Is it me, maybe my mind just don't want returned feelings, could it be that I do it on purpouse???

Have anybody similar problems?
Click to expand...

#2. If you did it purposefully, you'd know.

Also, you could like it that he would have to choose you.
Some random single guy from the street doesn't need as much effort.
 
o_q said:
Also, you could like it that he would have to choose you.
Some random single guy from the street doesn't need as much effort.
Click to expand...

But, the fact is that I don't want that kind of affection. I just want someone for myself..but, hooray, it must have been somebody with someone already.
I am confused at the time...I don't like pattern...
I wonder what would some psychologist say?:)
 
For most people, based on what I have read, when this occurs it is because it is a "safe" situation in that there is no real risk, and no chance for real intimacy. Being oneself and being present with one's feelings is easy when the object of one's feelings is both unavailable and also unlikely to deliver any message of rejection.

It happened to me once, and that surely was the reason - for the both of us in the situation. :embarassed:


cheers,
Ian
 
If someone if falling for you and you they are engaged, I'd think that would be a very bad sign. I think you are right, it is a matter of principles. If the person does not want to be engaged, let them make that decision first. There is no reason to make a commitment and then go completely against that...it is not a good sign at all. Let them sort out their feelings and then move forward. I would recommend you hold them to this...it is only fair (to everybody).

If you are falling for someone and they are engaged....fine, it could happen. I would not act on this though beyond determining if the engagement decision is a true one. They should be able to answer that pretty directly or again....bad sign.
 
Maybe you're just confusing liking a person for liking what they have (i.e., a relationship).

Evny can make people who have stuff we want look attractive. The reverse is true too.
 
aeon said:
For most people, based on what I have read, when this occurs it is because it is a "safe" situation in that there is no real risk, and no chance for real intimacy. Being oneself and being present with one's feelings is easy when the object of one's feelings is both unavailable and also unlikely to deliver any message of rejection.
Click to expand...
This is exactly what I was going to say.. well, less eloquently but the gist of it.
Excellent post.
 
For most people, based on what I have read, when this occurs it is because it is a "safe" situation in that there is no real risk, and no chance for real intimacy. Being oneself and being present with one's feelings is easy when the object of one's feelings is both unavailable and also unlikely to deliver any message of rejection
Click to expand...

yep +1 on this, well said
 
Hyuri said:
Maybe you're just confusing liking a person for liking what they have (i.e., a relationship).

Evny can make people who have stuff we want look attractive. The reverse is true too.
Click to expand...

I agree with this. Have to figure out what the feelings represent. if you already know this person then evaluate the form of attachment you have with this person. Sometimes their relationship is just an inward need for your desire for a relationship or you finally saw certain characteristics you would like in your own relationship in their relationship. Tricky stuff!
 
Maybe you attract drama.
 
I really wish I could find the study about this but there is a study done about how female fish find mated male fish more attractive and they linked that to humans, it was interesting.
 
slant said:
I really wish I could find the study about this but there is a study done about how female fish find mated male fish more attractive and they linked that to humans, it was interesting.
Click to expand...
Instead of figuring out that the male was worthy, it was already done by the previous female fish.
 
o_q said:
Instead of figuring out that the male was worthy, it was already done by the previous female fish.
Click to expand...

Tis true. its in our genes to find the 'secure" male.:m075:
 
Jana said:
Really, is it me or what???
I have tendency lately to fall for engaged people. I would go against myself if I try something, I am maybe oldfashioned, but I don't want to cme in between. It is not moral. Period.
But why...
1. Is it bad luck?
2. Is it me, maybe my mind just don't want returned feelings, could it be that I do it on purpouse???

Have anybody similar problems?
Click to expand...

Haven't you heard? Its cause all the good guys are taken ;P

People tend to like cool people. People also tend to marry people they like.
Its not the cool person's fault they are likable, and its not your fault for liking a likable person. Just sayin'
 
Jana said:
Really, is it me or what???
I have tendency lately to fall for engaged people. I would go against myself if I try something, I am maybe oldfashioned, but I don't want to cme in between. It is not moral. Period.
But why...
1. Is it bad luck?
2. Is it me, maybe my mind just don't want returned feelings, could it be that I do it on purpouse???

Have anybody similar problems?
Click to expand...

Aeon's post mentions the situation when you find out in advance of their marital status. If it's one of those situations when you find out after the attraction has sufficiently developed, then it could be a number of different reasons. Especially the one that TheLastMohican posted the link about. I also had a brief theory to tack on top of it:

When people are engaged/taken, they tend to be more 'put together' for lack of a better term. There isn't that need for them to look for a partner so they can focus on other aspects of their life. As a result, it could be that confident, self-sufficient factor that you might find appealing in a person. If a person comes off as being really clingy/needy, then it can really scare off a person.
 
The fact that you are unaware that they are engaged suggests that you do not know them very well. The simple solution is to getting to know people better before allowing yourself to become attracted to them.

Else, you could try finding a nice, unattached good guy, and mentally fool yourself into thinking that he is engaged.

However, if it's a situation where the attached (engaged) guy is approaching you and trying to start up something, run away. Run very, very far away...
 
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