Bickering

[Julia]

I've noticed that bickering as a style of communication accounts for a lot of social interaction. I think for some people it is a normal mode, and for some even what they do with friends and family implying closeness. I have a difficult time with it, and don't bicker by nature. I'm just wondering how others on this site relate to it. It ends up happening in online discussions (moreso on other sites). I think the little digs are to make people feel badly, but they are also distractions. I think the point of it having an emotionally dismissing/disrespecting tone is for the purpose of distracting the person away from whatever else is being discussed. It also seems like an attempt to keep everyone in line with each person's expectations about how others are supposed to think, feel, and act. It can make communication really confusing because there are so many different issues brought up all at once and most of it doesn't particularly matter in the bigger picture of things. I don't know how antagonistic it actually is, or if it is just a style. What are your thoughts on bickering?

 

[Moxie]

I think bickering is silly. Teasing, on the other hand, is lots of fun!

 

[Puck]

Bickering is for pigeons. People should really know better.

 

[slant]

www.blog.self-improvement-saga.com/2010/01/communication-argument/
The above link is the 20 argument tactics to avoid for effective communication. It's been helpful to me. Here are a few that are especially so to avoid a bickering type of communication:

7. “You made me feel…”


This is a big one, particularly in romantic (and other non-business) relationships. We’ve all heard some variation of this one. “You made me feel unwanted,” “you made me feel stupid,” “you made me mad,” “you hurt my feelings,” “you don’t make me feel special.”

The way you feel often seems so related to the words or actions of others that you see them as the cause of your feelings. Well, this isn’t exactly a fair burden to place on another person. Furthermore, giving someone else control over your feelings is an act of being unfair to yourself.

Realize that what you feel is caused by what you think about what the person did or said—not by their words or actions alone.

If someone says that you’re an idiot, you can choose to let that make you upset or you can dismiss it as hogwash. The choice is yours, so accept responsibility rather than passing it off.

Nobody wants to be blamed for making you do, think, or feel something that they really don’t have control over. And personal accountability should be a major part of your self improvement journey.

10. “Yeah Right…”

When you’re arguing with someone who offers a truce, it’s not exactly a good idea to make a statement that shows your lack of confidence. If you don’t believe the person you’re speaking with, it may be tempting to say, “Yeah right… you won’t do what you say” or “this change won’t last.” However; if you feel strongly that you can’t trust someone to do what they’re saying, a better choice may be to eliminate your interaction with them.

A relationship, whether business or personal, is bound for turmoil if there is no trust between the two parties.

7. “I don’t have time for this”

This may be translated as, “What you’re saying is unimportant and I’d rather tend to something that actually matters to me.”

Unless you think some value will come from sending that message of dismissal, you may want to reconsider telling a person that you don’t have time to address their concern.

A better way to communicate that the time isn’t right, is to let that person know that you will be more focused and able to give him/her your undivided attention at a different time. If possible, take it a step farther by suggesting a specific date and time. The idea is to step away from the situation if you need to, but to refrain from permanently leaving an open wound

Those are a few that really helped me out.

 

[myst]

I dated a woman a long time ago who I ended up thinking communicated by bickering. I'm guessing she was an INTP. She was very introverted but her communication with the few people close to her other than me- her brother and her one friend in grad school- was very argumentative, though joking, from my point of view. At first I liked it that she was able to be honest and not falsely nice all the time. But, eventually, it just got to be very annoying.

I suppose that's not helpful advice if you want to figure out how to constructively interact with bicker-ers, other than by withdrawing from the relationship. Can I ask why you want to be part of these online forums? Do you just want to communicate with other people who don't bicker there?

 

[muir]

It seems that with everything in life people management is half the battle

I hate small talk but i recognise that it puts some people at ease, so i do my best...which is probably not very good!

I guess with all the talking some people do they have to fill it with something....most of it is inane. Usually it is gossip: 'then they said this...then i said that...' at which point my eyes glase over but out of politeness i smile and nod along.

I have found with some people that when i do this they start gushing and within half an hour they have given me their life story and all their worries and anxieties.....meanwhile whilst this is going on i'm thinking 'I know at some point when this person stops gushing that they are suddenly going to feel quite vulnerable at having told me all this (although the information is safe; i wouldn't pass on their personal info) and there will be an awkwardness'

I think maybe people just have to let it out and they pick certain people who they know won't then gossip themselves.

Anyway i have tried using excuses to stop someone from beginning their verbal outpouring such as 'Sorry give me a second I just have to do something' or something along those lines, but it only brings on the awkward moment of vulnerablity all the quicker (I can see them almost diminish in front of me), so now i just hunker in for a listen and try and soften the end moment

People are funny

Also with the bickering thing it usually doesn't end in a positive result, usually it just leaves a bad taste in the mouth, even if i 'win' the point i just feel guilt and shame at hurting them

Some people when a descision is made if it is not their idea used they kind of sulk and sometimes even sabotage the effort in some way (i always think of the analogy of a naughty dog peeing on the carpet!)...i hate that petty mindedness

I think if the intent is to bring someone round to my way of thinking i prefer to try to do it gently rather than by crushing them, which doesn't help them and it doesn't help me and will probably make them less open to my idea anyway, so it is counter productive

 

[slant]

Petty mindedness....

It seems that with everything in life people management is half the battle

I hate small talk but i recognise that it puts some people at ease, so i do my best...which is probably not very good!

I guess with all the talking some people do they have to fill it with something....most of it is inane. Usually it is gossip: 'then they said this...then i said that...' at which point my eyes glase over but out of politeness i smile and nod along.

I have found with some people that when i do this they start gushing and within half an hour they have given me their life story and all their worries and anxieties.....meanwhile whilst this is going on i'm thinking 'I know at some point when this person stops gushing that they are suddenly going to feel quite vulnerable at having told me all this (although the information is safe; i wouldn't pass on their personal info) and there will be an awkwardness'

I think maybe people just have to let it out and they pick certain people who they know won't then gossip themselves.

I can really relate to what you are saying here. I used to want to talk to people all the time about gossip, woes, what I think and such and I would expect them to listen for a long time and respond. I am now trying to get out of the habit- for me, the reason I did that was because I did not have a place to clear my head so I used other people to do my bidding. I now have a blog that I use to voice most of the things I used to tell other people, and I use it a release. I never have used a blog as a release like that before; I've never made a blog unless there was a chance another person would see or comment on it because I wanted the attention subconsciously. I've linked this blog in a few places so people can see it because I post a lot of interesting links there and feeds directly into my facebook page, but I do not expect comments from anyone but myself. I just use the blog to talk about things that are on my mind and it genuinely helps.

Well, sorry to spam up this thread, I suppose that was a little off topic. But I always like to share ways that I dealt with a problem or what helped me so that if anyone else has the same problem I might help one more person.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

Well my parents have gotten to bickering more and more it seems as they get older. It's kind of annoying to listen to, but I don't think that it's really about being petty. I can't quite put my finger on it, but if I get past the annoyance of hearing them squawk at each other, there is something that's kind of endearing about it.

Maybe it's the fact that when they bicker they don't take any of it personally, and in a way, it shows that their relationship has truly matured through the years as they no longer have any major disagreements or fights. It's strange, but it's almost like a show of affection.

 

[muir]

Hi slant sorry if i painted a poor picture of people there, i do find other people very interesting and i do like to hear what they have to say, it is just some of the more meaningless tattle that i find boring

It is healthy to discuss things with others and use them as a soundingboard as long as they are trust worthy

I have a trusted pal who i get together with fairly regularly and we put the world to rights over a drink or two. Unfortunatly he has a heroic thirst and he likes me to keep up! My heads a bit sore today actually

We all need our releases

 

[beetpoet]

Well my parents have gotten to bickering more and more it seems as they get older. Maybe it's the fact that when they bicker they don't take any of it personally, and in a way, it shows that their relationship has truly matured through the years as they no longer have any major disagreements or fights. It's strange, but it's almost like a show of affection.

i notice couples who communicate like that too. i always feel uncomfortable like "isn't this hurting their feelings?". but they in fact are fine, and just like having a running out loud dialogue, good and bad.

my former partner is now with someone where they have a lot of sarcasm and teasing in their conversation. i was asking him about it and he said it's just fun banter and doesn't bother him. he gave me feedback that he had to be so much more careful in our relationship as i took sarcasm and teasing so much to heart.

i guess it just comes with the emotionally sensitive infj thing. i wouldn't enjoy that kind of bickering banter. i think because it feels important to me that the other person is emotionally pleased with me and it would be stressful if they were joking about not being so.

 

[myst]

I think more honest, open affection is healthier in a relationship than non-stop bickering. Some teasing and bickering is fine, but I can't quite imagine an advantage to communicating that way as a default. (Well, unless the alternative for some couple would be more serious arguing.)

 

[Gaze]

I think more honest, open affection is healthier in a relationship than non-stop bickering. Some teasing and bickering is fine, but I can't quite imagine an advantage to communicating that way as a default. (Well, unless the alternative for some couple would be more serious arguing.)

Agree. Everything in moderation.

 

[sassafras]

I like bickering. Of course, I don't like to bicker all the time, but a bit of playful animosity now and again isn't all that bad of a thing. It's kind of like verbal sparring. You're testing one another out, learning something new about the person and how they respond to conflict, as well as how they feel or think about certain issues and all in all, seeing if you're a match. If a relationship is all schmoozing and swooning over one another, there's something wrong; to me, that hints at the possibility that you're smothering one another and not letting enough of the real world air in because you're afraid a rift will form in the relationship if you disagree on anything.

 

[Barnabas]

I took a course called coure communication this semester. According to the textbook usedfor the class there are four forms of talk.

1) Small/Shop talk- light simple conversation/work related conversation

Small talk ex: "the weather is nice today"

Shop talk ex: "You need to be at work by five"


2) Control (Fight or Spite) talk- agressive and passive agressive fighting, conversation based on getting control

Fight talk ex: "your so slow can't you move faster!"

Spite talk ex: "yelling only makes me take longer"


3) Search talk - used to explore deep and complex issues,brings up questions and brain storms possibilities.

Search talk ex: "I wonder if I'm having an issue with my career choice?"


4) straight talk - Straight talk is where you set things straight, you disclose your wants feelings and thoughts.

Straight talk ex: "Here is how I see things" or "I'm feeling very frustrated right now"

supposedly if you can understand the dynamics of a conversation you can take the appropriate steps to make it come out in a positive light.

 

[bullinthesky]

It also seems like an attempt to keep everyone in line with each person's expectations about how others are supposed to think, feel, and act. It can make communication really confusing because there are so many different issues brought up all at once and most of it doesn't particularly matter in the bigger picture of things. I don't know how antagonistic it actually is, or if it is just a style.

I'm so glad someone actually wrote what I was thinking. Well said. I've found myself dating girls, and once the girl knows she won't "win" the argument, she will bicker. And next thing I know, we're yapping about everything but the real issue that needs to be addressed. Right now, this is my number #1 pet peeve in dating. I just don't like passive-aggressive behavior.

If I want to solve a problem with a person and they just want to bicker with me rather than tell the truth, I fail to see how a successful relationship can be possible. I think adults should discuss things and solve problems if they have a difference between them that needs to be sorted out. Have an argument. But bickering in my view is the same as either being passive-aggressive or fighting over petty things. I have little patience for it.

 

[Julia]

www.blog.self-improvement-saga.com/2010/01/communication-argument/
The above link is the 20 argument tactics to avoid for effective communication. It's been helpful to me. Here are a few that are especially so to avoid a bickering type of communication:
Those are a few that really helped me out.

Thanks for this contribution, slant. I always appreciate reading your posts. Those are great links.

I try to just take people however they come, bickering or not, but must confess how incredibly much I appreciate laid back, socially relaxed people who don't get all intolerant over small things. Of course that lands me in that funny loop of being intolerant of intolerance. I suppose I can take it in small doses realizing the people probably had to face the intolerance in order to learn how to do it. Still though, the non-bickering, non-punishing, non-controlling, just easy going, looking out for the best interest of others is like a fresh drink of water.