Domestic abuse against men

[slant]

I've touched upon in the past a lot of issues regarding how society is biased towards favoring women in a variety of situations. One of these situations is domestic abuse.

When people talk about domestic abuse, nine times out of ten they're talking about women. It's always boyfriends,fathers and husbands bashing in their wifes, their sisters, their girlfriends ,their daughters...etc.

Culturally there is this bias against men being abused. We see this in sexual assault cases, some people seriously don't believe that a woman can rape a man. Likewise, it seems for the majority of people, men being abused in domestic cases seems impossible.

No once can imagine or fathom a wife beating her husband, or a mother beating her son, or maybe a daughter beating her father or a girlfriend beating her boyfriend. Women are maternal, nurturing, so for us to think that they aren't, that they can be just as dangerous as men, I've had people laugh at me. People always bring up the argument that women are weaker then men so it's okay for women to beat men because they are physically weaker and a man can defend themselves. A woman can't defend herself so then it's not okay for a man to beat her up. I hate that debate. Seriously? So the ONLY reason you think a man beating on a women is wrong is because she can't defend herself? What is she could, does that make a broken nose any lesser of an assault charge?

So when I'm talking about domestic abuse against men I'm talking about two scenarios:

men being beaten by their husbands and their boyfriends, lovers, fathers...whatever


men being beaten by their wives, and their girlfriends, lovers, mothers, etc.

Both are just as serious and I notice that when people think of domestic abuse against men they usually leave out the male/male domestic abuse, because I guess people don't consider homosexual relationships anymore which is kind of funny because lesbians actually have the highest assault rates of all of the possible couplings...there is alot of aggression and dysfunction in homosexual couplings just as there are in heterosexual couplings.

So why is, that when a man hits a woman and it gets reported, his ass is in jail, but when the reverse happens, typically no one really cares, or they think 'well he must have deserved it'. What would you do actually did a series on this, and I know that show has a sort of liberal bias, but anyway, everyone stepped in when it was the man assaulting a woman in a park but when it was the woman assaulting the man, people actually walked by and gave the woman a thumbs up, because they thought he had been cheating or something and deserved it. Is cheating really justification for getting your hair pulled, being slapped and punched, having your head being slammed into the ground again and again...AND YET NO ONE CARES BECAUSE IT'S A WOMAN DOING THIS TO A MAN?

Wow. Just wow.

So what are your opinions, views, arguments for domestic violence against men? Anyone have any experiences or personal stories with this?

 

[Oranguh]

Ooooh I read an article one time about women raping men.... It was soooooo tantalizingly interesting. Because the men would feel abused and all that but they would be raped until they orgasm and suches.
This leaves most of the victims greatly "confused" afterwords. Which is interesting because they don't know if they should report it or not. They know they were abused, they feel abused, but they're... "confused". Which usually leads to even greater psychological damages to the male victim because they feel "trapped" in a situation.
Such events rarely happen in society, on top of that society has a set view on men being raped by women. I can imagine that a handful of law enforcers may laugh it off.

:3

 

[slant]

Ooooh I read an article one time about women raping men.... It was soooooo tantalizingly interesting. Because the men would feel abused and all that but they would be raped until they orgasm and suches.
This leaves most of the victims greatly "confused" afterwords. Which is interesting because they don't know if they should report it or not. They know they were abused, they feel abused, but they're... "confused". Which usually leads to even greater psychological damages to the male victim because they feel "trapped" in a situation.
Such events rarely happen in society, on top of that society has a set view on men being raped by women. I can imagine that a handful of law enforcers may laugh it off.

:3

Male rape is actually quite common but the problem is that it isn't reported. Billions of dollars have been put into campaigning for women to come forth and admit they have been abused so they can gain the help that they need, I can't even find numbers for how much money has been put into this sort of thing for men, it just hasn't been done. But I have a male rape thread and don't want this to get off topic.

 

[acd]

DV shelters assist men as well as women with groups and other services.. as well as paying for them to stay in hotels until they can find housing on their own (if the shelter only takes in women and children to stay). I don't know many people who don't take a man being abused as seriously as a woman being abused.

 

[CorLeonis]

Tough Guise is a good documentary. This thread made me think of it.

But... I think it is 100% possible for a male to be abused. By a man or woman.

"Domestic abuse" also includes emotional abuse. Which is probably very prevalent. I haven't done any research, though.



When I start going on about male/female, and gender roles, and how much I despise what our society does to males and females... I tend to go off and get flustered and angry. It gets me heated. So I'll leave it at that for now. haha

 

[Galileo]

men being beaten by their husbands and their boyfriends, lovers, fathers...whatever


men being beaten by their wives, and their girlfriends, lovers, mothers, etc.

I do know a lot of young men who will admit that they have been the victim of violence by their father or another family member who is male. I think somehow this is more acceptible for people to believe, because we see young children as weak and defenseless sometimes.

But males often find it hard to come forward and admit that their girlfriends/wives/mothers are the abusive ones because they feel ashamed or that people won't believe them.

If women feel afraid that their story won't be believed, men feel this even moreso, because to most men, they are supposed to be the strong ones, and women the weaker ones.

There is no excuse for domestic violence.

 

[Cecilff2]

So why is, that when a man hits a woman and it gets reported, his ass is in jail, but when the reverse happens, typically no one really cares, or they think 'well he must have deserved it'. What would you do actually did a series on this, and I know that show has a sort of liberal bias, but anyway, everyone stepped in when it was the man assaulting a woman in a park but when it was the woman assaulting the man, people actually walked by and gave the woman a thumbs up, because they thought he had been cheating or something and deserved it. Is cheating really justification for getting your hair pulled, being slapped and punched, having your head being slammed into the ground again and again...AND YET NO ONE CARES BECAUSE IT'S A WOMAN DOING THIS TO A MAN?

Just for demonstration, here's the scenario that ABC did that slant was describing.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hn-wL6hPq8]Abuse[/ame]

 

[Siamese cat]

I don't like seeing this kind of violence coming from women. I witnessed a woman emotionally abusing man and it left a very bitter taste in my mouth. Also I felt shame and disgust because only I and one younger woman reacted and told her to cut it out, out of probably 40 people present at that moment there. You could see some women cheering for her, like that one in the video Cecilff2 posted.

I guess that men are more reluctant to report it because men still think that their roll is to be strong and silent types, which is a big mistake in my opinion. Also I think that they choose not to report those incidents because of the stigma they'll be exposed to by other men.

 

[slant]

DV shelters assist men as well as women with groups and other services.. as well as paying for them to stay in hotels until they can find housing on their own (if the shelter only takes in women and children to stay). I don't know many people who don't take a man being abused as seriously as a woman being abused.

According to a BBC special, in the 1970's when the first domestic violence shelter was opened in the United Kingdom, the women tried to open a refuge specifically for men and she was never able to get funding.

Also, the amount of shelters for men is severely disproportionate with the amount for women, and since we know that 25% of domestic violence reports are from men being abused, 1/4 of all shelters should be aimed towards them. That's not so. I can't find the source of where I found this next bit, so feel free to discredit it, but I was hearing figures like 30 women's shelter to every 4 men's s shelter, which is really, really really bad.

 

[bickelz]

I do know a lot of young men who will admit that they have been the victim of violence by their father or another family member who is male.

This is because men are supposed to suck it up. Women are more vulnerable than men are though. Especially when they are alone in a parking garage or something. I feel pretty vulnerable sometimes too in these situations.

 

[Questingpoet]

I've debated whether to say something here or not. But like last time in my old blog, I've decided it's best to share what I've lived so that others may understand and benefit. My current (though not for long) wife was abusive to me for the first couple years of our marriage. She came from a broken household of alcohol and abuse (though the abuse was mostly mental and verbal). She was also handicapped and teased incessantly by her classmates for it. She brought all this to our marriage and it showed up fairly soon after we got married.

Any argument would always end in her getting physical, hitting me. I came from a background of "you never hit a woman" and this presented quite a delema when getting beat on by someone and inch taller, 40 pounds heavier, and full of rage. Needless to say simply trying to avoid the blows or block them didn't fare too well. I went to work a few times with bruises, scratches, and once with a black eye. When I finally stated fighting back that wasn't really any better. Now it was a knock down drag out, and the kids couldn't help but be exposed to it some.

It came to a head one night when as normal she jumped me during an arguement and I got the better of her. She took our two girls, left and went to the local firestation, and called the cops on me. This is the part that makes me that most angry. I tell them she jumped me, we both had marks but they take only me in. This is the prejudice that is being discussed here today in action. To top it off she goes to the authorities later that week and TELLS them it was her fault and that she was not pressing charges, and they still went forward on me. I was the one who ended up taking classes about domestic abuse and rage control!

What a cruel joke. At the very minimum we should have both been put into these classes. I handled it badly and paid the price. She had no personal fallout from her rage that fueled all this. In the later years she did learn to control this better with conseling, but the system failed that day. Most people (men or woman) would just continue with their abuse. If the cops, judge, and the system worked how it should the man would not automatically be the one at fault! There are just as many messed up woman as men out there.

And yeah, even though I really shouldn't be, there is some shame involved. It's not so much even the "getting beat on by a woman" thing. It's just the "getting beat on" thing in general. No one should have to endure that from another. Here is the link to my old blog that details it a bit more. It can happen to anyone folks...

http://forums.infjs.com/showthread.php?t=6080&page=17


*it's entry number 327

 

[Galileo]

I don't like seeing this kind of violence coming from women

I don't like seeing this type of violence coming from anyone.


I think a lot of it does come from the media too, in sitcoms and so on, it's often funny to have a girl hitting a guy. Just about every man I know would actually sit down and laugh at a story like that, because they have no idea that domestic abuse does actually happen to men sometimes, and they can't get their head around the idea of a woman getting the better of a man.


When I worked for lifeline though, some of the calls I received were indeed coming from men who had been abused either by parents or by partners. in most cases I have discussed with them their options, as we're taught to do, and have met different responses depending on what sex the caller is.

Women tend to be afraid of the consiquences of reporting the abuse, and this seems to be the most common reason for why violence goes unreported. Usually it's because the man involved has threatened or manipulated the woman into believing that he will kill her, take the children, the house or all the money, if she speaks out.

Women are also highly afraid of not being believed, or that male police officers will side with the male.
Men on the other hand seemed to fear disbelief even more. They also feel that they are in an extremely small minority. ad campaigns by the government have focused expressly on preventing violence against women, and do not even show that there is such a thing as the reverse.
They're afraid of the shame and ridicule of speaking out as well.

 

[acd]

According to a BBC special, in the 1970's when the first domestic violence shelter was opened in the United Kingdom, the women tried to open a refuge specifically for men and she was never able to get funding.

Also, the amount of shelters for men is severely disproportionate with the amount for women, and since we know that 25% of domestic violence reports are from men being abused, 1/4 of all shelters should be aimed towards them. That's not so. I can't find the source of where I found this next bit, so feel free to discredit it, but I was hearing figures like 30 women's shelter to every 4 men's s shelter, which is really, really really bad.

I think things are starting to change though. You can't expect it to happen over night. Men are still victim to gender stereotypes just as women are.. but more and more people are starting to think differently and beginning to address that men have these needs as well.

True there aren't as many shelters for men as there are women at this point, but I know from experience that most shelters will not turn them away--they will find them some help and resources. How many woman's shelters were there in the 70s? I'm sure a lot less.. especially for domestic violence.

But when it happens, the ignorance occurs on both sides. I've seen women not be taken seriously by police because the officers were related to or friends with the husband, or they thought that it was a normal part of the relationship... and I've also encountered men who weren't taken seriously because due to these antiquated ideals of men being invulnerable to a woman.

I think law enforcement should go through training in how to deal with men who are victims as well as women... and the issue that you raise can only be solved when people drop the traditional ideals of what men and women are supposed to be... I think we're slowly getting there.