Enabling

[Trifoilum]

I horribly suspect I am prone to one.
So. What is enabling?

Overview

When family, friends, and associates of a chemically dependent individual allow that individual to continue the addiction to alcohol or drugs, their behavior is called enabling. When repeated, enabling behaviors become ingrained in the chemically dependent person's family, job, or social structures.

Meaning Well: The Origins of Enabling

We often begin enabling in an attempt to be kind and helpful. For example, we may wake someone so they are not late to work. By doing so, we help them avoid the consequences of oversleeping because they were using or drinking late into the night before. We loan addicts money, often over and over again, and we are surprised when they use it to buy more drugs or alcohol.

Enablers may have their own system of denial that is fed by the lies and deceptions addicts use to cover up their using.

The Effects of Enabling

As enabling behaviors become routine, we end up feeling frustrated, ineffectual, and angry. Often, we continue to enable because we don't want to appear mean or unreasonable. Enabling behaviors directly and indirectly support the vicious cycle of never-ending problems and pain of addiction. When we stop enabling, when we stop helping and covering up for the addict, we allow the addict to experience the consequences of their out-of-control behavior. We no longer wake them up, loan them money, or bail them out of jail. We stop shielding them from the consequences of their behaviors.

Source

Enabling is a term with a double meaning.
As a positive term, it references patterns of interaction which allow individuals to develop and grow. These may be on any scale, for example within the family, or in wider society as "Enabling acts" designed to empower some group, or create a new authority for a (usually governmental) body.
In a negative sense, enabling is also used in the context of problematic behavior, to signify dysfunctional approaches that are intended to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem. A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person themselves does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. It is a major environmental cause of addiction
A common example of enabling can be observed in the relationship between the alcoholic/addict and a codependent spouse. The spouse believes incorrectly that he or she is helping the alcoholic by calling into work for them, making excuses that prevent others from holding them accountable, and generally cleaning up the mess that occurs in the wake of their impaired judgment. In reality what the spouse is doing is hurting, not helping. Enabling prevents psychological growth in the person being enabled and can contribute to negative symptoms in the enabler.
Generally, individuals who enable others have weak boundaries, low self-esteem, and have difficulty being assertive when they communicate with others.

from Wikipedia
This is in context of drugs and alcoholism, but I'm talking about our everyday life and other people's trivial bad side as well.
Other links :
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14675-enabling-personality/
http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/enabling_behavior.html

What do you think? Anyone ever felt the same? Or probably seen someone with this behaviour?

In relation to the topic about caretakers in this subforum too, I wonder; where and when does caretaking stops and enabling starts?

 

[Kgal]

Are you referring to the negative consequences of enabling? If so - I have done it in a variety of situations in the past. I constantly have to monitor myself for doing it even today. For example:

My sister agreed to have my Mom and Dad live in a new house right next door to hers - months and months ago. Now that they do, she calls me again and again regarding the same issue. I have made some suggestions, but she does not follow through. Now, when she does it, I keep my suggestions to myself. I listen to her - really listen to her - and give her validity to her feelings and fears. I tell her I love her and that she's brave and strong.
I do not - however - rescue her anymore. I feel that was enabling. It's hard for me to see her suffer like this -due to her own making by the relationship she has with Mom. I'm not saying it's her fault - it's clearly a manipulative Mom. Only that she is the one who needs to take the steps to take care of her self. I can't do it for her. My heart hurts for her. But I sit on my hands and keep my mouth shut.

I will not rescue anybody - except me. In the long run it keeps them locked in the pattern.

Well - ok. There is one caveat:
I will rescue someone if I know they're in iminent danger - perhaps from another - or themselves.

 

[Praefect]

In relation to the topic about caretakers in this subforum too, I wonder; where and when does caretaking stops and enabling starts?

I see those concepts at the opposite end of the spectrum. I am a caretaker and part of that is breaking people out of their comfort zone.

My male partner was very much an enabler, he had the best of intentions, but keeping my female partner in her comfort zone did nobody any good and made nobody happy. It impeded growth, development, fostered fear and insecurity.

The Estj was completely unaware of that in his role as THE PROVIDER.

Taking care of someone doesn't mean making someones life easier. Sometimes it means making someones life harder.

 

[Kgal]

I see those concepts at the opposite end of the spectrum. I am a caretaker and part of that is breaking people out of their comfort zone.

My male partner was very much an enabler, he had the best of intentions, but keeping my female partner in her comfort zone did nobody any good and made nobody happy. It impeded growth, development, fostered fear and insecurity.

The Estj was completely unaware of that in his role as THE PROVIDER.

Taking care of someone doesn't mean making someones life easier. Sometimes it means making someones life harder.

I agree with this Praefect.
And it's hard for everyone - even if done with compassion. It takes courage to do that.