[INFJ] Fe and Difficulty Finding Self

Stillwater

Stillwater

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Can anyone explain how Fe relates to self-identity and how it makes it difficult? I had an "Identity Crisis" in high school and I have always struggled to learn why. I needed to see a therapist (in-patient and out-patient) but to this day it still isn't easy.

The MBTI Notes blog is where I read about this. He mentions it in his description of Fe which I've pasted below. It's the bottom line and I put it in bold print.

[Fe] Extraverted Feeling (Cohesion)

-attends to objective social norms/values
-oriented to how people interact or react
-looks for positive social consequences
-experiences the world through “relatedness”
-seeks to maximize connection & intimacy
-establishes good rapport & harmony
-conflict averse, difficulty defining self

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. It might help explain some of the difficulty I've had with this in my life.
 
When you are navigating the world Fe can be sort of like a drug in a way, because of its hyper-effectiveness in making you and your circumstances copesetic.
When you dedicate the majority of your mental space to orienting yourself in relation to your surroundings, you lose what is real about your own self-identity.
It's a trade. You either swim through things easily and happily or you disrupt harmony to grab hold of your identity.
INFJs can be adept at both of these polar opposites. Swinging wildly from everyone's confidante to awkward lone wolf.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
 
Thanks Asa. I'll check out his blog. I appreciate you providing a link too.

Wyote, this is very helpful. Thank you. This sentence below from your post makes it much easier to understand.

"When you dedicate the majority of your mental space to orienting yourself in relation to your surroundings, you lose what is real about your own self-identity".

Do you mind if I ask what you mean in the first sentence (pasted below)?

"When you are navigating the world Fe can be sort of like a drug in a way, because of its hyper-effectiveness in making you and your circumstances copesetic".
 
Stillwater said:
Can anyone explain how Fe relates to self-identity and how it makes it difficult? I had an "Identity Crisis" in high school and I have always struggled to learn why. I needed to see a therapist (in-patient and out-patient) but to this day it still isn't easy.

The MBTI Notes blog is where I read about this. He mentions it in his description of Fe which I've pasted below. It's the bottom line and I put it in bold print.

[Fe] Extraverted Feeling (Cohesion)

-attends to objective social norms/values
-oriented to how people interact or react
-looks for positive social consequences
-experiences the world through “relatedness”
-seeks to maximize connection & intimacy
-establishes good rapport & harmony
-conflict averse, difficulty defining self

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. It might help explain some of the difficulty I've had with this in my life.
Click to expand...
I relate to this to a huge extent. I completely see myself in the above. It's really hard to put into words, but I feel like I'm like the blank slate. I accommodate others, I sense what's going on around me and I'm always operating in relation to that. I think that before I knew about INFJ (literally just over a month ago)! - I sometimes chastised myself and thought I must be a really 'weak' person somehow or that I maybe had less personality than others, because of the moments where I felt like I almost disappeared. I also longed to be able to feel that sense of complete unapologetic 'being-ness' that I see that others have, (maybe because they are happily oblivious of their surroundings in the way that people with Fe are)? I see people who seem more 'defined' than I am in being who they are and it frustrates me a bit at times because I know there's a lot more 'me' underneath, I think this is why I enjoy creative activity so much, because I feel like it engages the whole of me and my Fe in the moment. I'm not sure if that's well explained, and probably I only tackled part of the subject.
 
Stillwater said:
Do you mind if I ask what you mean in the first sentence
Click to expand...

Fe is what is used when picking up emotions and navigating socially. The better you are at it and the more effective you are at using it, the more harmony you will bring into your life. That sense of harmony, evenness, status quo etc. is addictive in a sense. Tranquility feels good, but uniformity/parity is not always good for personal growth and understanding.
 
melissa* said:
I see people who seem more 'defined' than I am in being who they are and it frustrates me a bit at times because I know there's a lot more 'me' underneath.
Click to expand...

Thanks Melissa. Your whole post explains much of what I experience too. The one above certainly hits home as well. I'm going to take a look at some creative pursuits/outlets to see if this is helpful to me. Thanks for mentioning your experience with this.
 
Thanks Wyote. Some of the challenges I've had with my circumstances while growing up involve being a child of toxic parents. In all attempts to promote harmony within the family over the years my efforts have been fruitless. I recognize now that I'm better off focusing my energies elsewhere.
 
Stillwater said:
This is an older thread but I wanted to ask -

If Fe leads to difficulty in defining self, what is the antidote to this?
Click to expand...

Hmh, asking for the "self" is a big question. I would start with what you kind of already said within here:

Stillwater said:
Thanks Wyote. Some of the challenges I've had with my circumstances while growing up involve being a child of toxic parents. In all attempts to promote harmony within the family over the years my efforts have been fruitless. I recognize now that I'm better off focusing my energies elsewhere.
Click to expand...

That focus and energy could go to you more consciously with putting effort in honoring every bit.

So basically maybe seeing yourself as a sensitive little plant that needs a good nurturing soil and environment that suits its needs and where it actually has some special space to grow some roots and twigs just for itself. (That can be anything.. chosen family, friends, therapist, spiritual guide, a lovely forum (<3) etc people without an agenda for you and/or just you being mindful and having alone time.)

It's a bit of adding Fi into Fe to access true harmony (which welcomes conflict as means to reach harmony through communicating each others needs and boundaries, basically make yourself matter as well).

But like I said.. it isn't an easy question. xD

Lately I wonder if ego-permeability plays a role as well. Low permeability implys a more rigid ego (focus inward, supplying inner stability at the cost of adaptability/learning) whereas high permeability implys a less rigid ego (focus outward, supplying high learning/adaptability at the cost of inner stability). If this mattered, then focusing extra on finding healing/healthy environments and space that meet your needs are worth a shot. Getting healthy external input and unlearning some unhealthy input. But anyhow I'm rambling..

I don't really think there is an antidote in that sense. Your whole life is this question. It's that title of everyone's journey. ^^
 
Like anything, identity is a skill that takes practice. The more decisions you make for yourself, the better you get at it.
You can't please everyone, so don't be afraid that your decisions will will be unpleasant to others because they already were (to some people)
I might not be taking in the full context of your post, but I hope this makes sense to part of it.
 
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