Friends only

[Fellow]

Hey guys,
I'm a long time lurker but I need to get some advice because I don't want to screw up the friendship I have with this girl. She's one of the few friends I have at the moment in this country (I'm studying abroad for a couple of semesters). We're both 24 y/o students and I guess we're healthy individuals, no big problems.

This is the thing..
I like her very much as a person. She's pretty kind, smart and nice company and all of that, but I don't feel like I want to have a relationship with her and that's all fine and ok with me, but I've got this feeling that she does want something like that but is waiting for me to make a move (I get the impression she's hinting at it here and there).

What I want to do is let her know I'm not into that without hurting her (especially in case she "comes out" with it one day) in any way and I'd like to keep her as a friend.
I'd also like very much to not come across as an asshole in the case that this is all my imagination.. don't want to assume too much if you know what I mean.

Do I talk to her about it openly or do I stay away from the subject?
Anyone had any similar experiences? Please - do share

If you need some more info, ask.

.....Oh yes, she's an INFJ, obviously.

 

[Poetic Justice]

Make out with a man in front of her. Problem solved

Seriously though, don't bring it up before she does. She will be SO embarrassed if she does fancy you. And if she doesn't then she will think you are an idiot for assuming she does.

How I would go about it is to talk to her about another girl you fancy. perhaps even ask her advice on approaching her. Make it clear that you're not really talking about her or she may get the wrong idea.

She'll get the message

 

[88chaz88]

In my experience, no matter how good your intentions are, pulling the "just friends" card kills whatever relationship there was. I've been on both ends of it and I'm friends with none of them regardless of how strong the friendship was before.

Is there any reason as to why this lass isn't girlfriend material? INFJs are usually perfect in that department. Do you not feel any physical atraction towards her? If not then I completely understand but unfortunately the relationship will take a turn for the worse.

If you do feel some physical attraction then why not move things on to another level? I'm currently with my best friend and I can't imagine wanting anything else. It just feels so right, in fact it's perfect. In my opinion it's the best way to ensure there's both physical and emotional attraction. Also you can have many friends in your lifetime but true loves are very rare.

Although I digress, if you really want to stay as friends then I suggest trying to dodge having to actually let her down. If it does come up then be very careful.

Sorry if this isn't helpful in the least.

How I would go about it is to talk to her about another girl you fancy. perhaps even ask her advice on approaching her. Make it clear that you're not really talking about her or she may get the wrong idea.

And most definitely this. It's the easiest way to send her the message without having to directly do so.

 

[Animekitty]

Ask her what she thinks of you as a person. Ask if she thinks you would intentionality hurt some ones feelings. If she trusts you to be who you are inside she will understand that your not ready for a relationship at this stage in life. But remember that this is an opportunity to know some one that potentially might be the one for you. Don't be afraid of your feelings. This is not about you wanting a better girl but about your needs in life might be more important at the present moment. Thats about all I can say.

If all else fails trust your instincts.

 

[kita]

I think I would be crushed no matter how you broke the news, and would probably withdraw from the friendship to recover.. then again if she is pining after you she could be missing out on being with someone else able to reciprocate her feelings. If you do tell her, make sure she knows how much you value and care for her, just not in a romantic way.

 

[kita]

Ask her what she thinks of you as a person. Ask if she thinks you would intentionality hurt some ones feelings. If she trusts you to be who you are inside she will understand that your not ready for a relationship at this stage in life.

I think this is a very good approach, it would work on me.

 

[Poetic Justice]

The only way to remain friends with her is for it to NEVER be brought up.

But....

if she is pining after you she could be missing out on being with someone else able to reciprocate her feelings.

This is a very good point.

I know what it is like to be in love with my best friend. I missed out on some great partners because I was saving myself for someone who I kinda always knew didn't return my feelings. But I held out hope that it could happen. It never did.

I eventually told her I liked her in that way. She already knew but it still killed the friendship dead.

I still think you should risk hinting that you aren't interested. I think this is the safest way to let her know your not interested without embarrassing her.

She will still be hurt but at least she can have the illusion that she is the only one that knows she is hurt

 

[basic]

Assuming you're male, I am not doubting your judgement that she may be interested in you, but there is always the chance that you are misreading the signs. Of course I am not in your shoes, so maybe it's blatantly obvious. Just sayin' because males very often misread these kinds of situations.

If it were me, I would appreciate it if someone told me early on in the friendship that they are not romantically interested. The longer you wait, the stronger her feelings (if she has them) may grow. I'm not sure if I agree with other people's suggestions to not say anything. I'm not sure exactly how to approach it since I have never really been in your type of situation, but nothing good ever came out of not telling what you feel, in my experience.

 

[Poetic Justice]

Assuming you're male, I am not doubting your judgement that she may be interested in you, but there is always the chance that you are misreading the signs. Of course I am not in your shoes, so maybe it's blatantly obvious. Just sayin' because males very often misread these kinds of situations.

If it were me, I would appreciate it if someone told me early on in the friendship that they are not romantically interested. The longer you wait, the stronger her feelings (if she has them) may grow. I'm not sure if I agree with other people's suggestions to not say anything. I'm not sure exactly how to approach it since I have never really been in your type of situation, but nothing good ever came out of not telling what you feel, in my experience.

So when you become friends with a member of the opposite sex do you tell them early on that you do or don't fancy them?

How many of them remain your friends afterwards?

I think even if it had never crossed their minds they would be taken aback by that.

 

[basic]

So when you become friends with a member of the opposite sex do you tell them early on that you do or don't fancy them?

How many of them remain your friends afterwards?

I think even if it had never crossed their minds they would be taken aback by that.

Hmm...I retract my suggestion. I am gay so this is my perspective based ob life experience. It may not apply well in heterosexual opposite sex (friendly) relationships. I do stand by what I said about making sure you aren't misreading. Just my two cents, and I guess this is the only thing I can really offer.

 

[Poetic Justice]

Hmm...I retract my suggestion. I am gay so this is my perspective based ob life experience. It may not apply well in heterosexual opposite sex (friendly) relationships. I do stand by what I said about making sure you aren't misreading. Just my two cents, and I guess this is the only thing I can really offer.

Yes there is definately the risk of mis reading the signals. Thats one of the reasons I don't think he should bring it up first. He'll look like a complete douche if she doesn't fancy him.

The dating scene is so much simpler for gay men. Sometimes I wish I was gay for this very reason.

Man 1: "Wanna have sex?"

Man 2: "Sure, why not"

Perhaps I over simplifying this though. I imagine if you have a faulty gaydar then it can be a nightmare

 

[the]

I think you are just going to lose this friend in the long run.

 

[basic]

Yes there is definately the risk of mis reading the signals. Thats one of the reasons I don't think he should bring it up first. He'll look like a complete douche if she doesn't fancy him.

The dating scene is so much simpler for gay men. Sometimes I wish I was gay for this very reason.

Man 1: "Wanna have sex?"

Man 2: "Sure, why not"

Perhaps I over simplifying this though. I imagine if you have a faulty gaydar then it can be a nightmare

I sometimes feel bad for you straighties. So much hooblah back and forth.

I think I agree with you. Perhaps no action should be taken.

 

[Fellow]

Is there any reason as to why this lass isn't girlfriend material?

Call me retarded but.. I just don't feel it. She's not ugly looking.. not at all, but there's no 'chemistry' for some reason.

Ask her what she thinks of you as a person. Ask if she thinks you would intentionality hurt some ones feelings. If she trusts you to be who you are inside she will understand that your not ready for a relationship at this stage in life.

This becomes a possibility only when we're drunk, but I'd like to do it while sober so the talk about another girlfriend seems more appropriate.

This is not about you wanting a better girl but about your needs in life might be more important at the present moment. Thats about all I can say.

I don't understand this bit.

[MENTION=472]Poetic Justice[/MENTION]: Yep, I don't want to embarrass her and what you said makes sense.

[MENTION=3034]basic[/MENTION]: I agree that it's possible that it's all in my head, but I need to work out the possibilities in theory before things start happening.

I think I should hint my disinterest to her, but does it really make me a selfish asshole if I don't?
Meh.. I'd probably feel uncomfortable in her presence if I decided never to hint it..
But then again.. can't I be a little selfish?
Meh... this sucks!