Happiness before or because of a relationship?

[~jet]

Conundrum time! Sorta...

I'm told (quite possibly by other MTBI types) that one should be happy and self-satisfied before considering a relationship, and yet my entire life I've always been at my best and most self-satisfied IN a relationship (and not so much between them.)

The question is, how wrong is this? Is it different from one type to another? Shrug. I'm in a situation where I was 'comfortably numb' for a good long time, and now that a possible (albeit difficult to achieve) relationship is out there, I'm all highs and lows, and feeling guilty about that AND the fact that I'm hoping for a new comfortable place inside of said hoped-for relationship.

 

[invisible]

i think it's good to be taking on a relationship because you're interested in a relationship with that particular person, rather than because you NEED someone to fill an emotional gap in your life. i thought that's what it meant.

 

[Bird]

i think it's good to be taking on a relationship because you're interested in a relationship with that particular person, rather than because you NEED someone to fill an emotional gap in your life. i thought that's what it meant.

This is how I have interpreted it as well.
Codependency, you know.

 

[~jet]

i think it's good to be taking on a relationship because you're interested in a relationship with that particular person, rather than because you NEED someone to fill an emotional gap in your life. i thought that's what it meant.

Oh definitely; if anything, the internal struggle of 'cant seek a relationship just to make myself feel better' has effectively kept me single for far longer than I'd like; but yeah, this time around, it's genuine interest. Still, now that I've detected this, I'm kind of impatient and the aforementioned highs and lows make me feel guilty/unworthy as well. *shrug*

 

[Gaze]

I've not been a relationship for a long time, and i've always been told that i should be happy that i'm not in one because relationships are worth more trouble than they seem. But yet, I still think i'd have a fuller life and enjoy my experiences more if i had someone to share them with.

 

[bamf]

i think it's good to be taking on a relationship because you're interested in a relationship with that particular person, rather than because you NEED someone to fill an emotional gap in your life. i thought that's what it meant.

Yeah, I think that's the key. I'm usually at my "best" when I have someone to share experiences with, but I don't look for a relationship to make me happy. I've never entered a relationship on the premise of feeling better by simply being in a relationship. I enter them because I want to be with the other person. Being "happier" or whatever while in a relationship is simply a side-effect of being in one, definitely not the reason for entering one.

 

[~jet]

I've not been a relationship for a long time, and i've always been told that i should be happy that i'm not in one because relationships are worth more trouble than they seem. But yet, I still think i'd have a fuller life and enjoy my experiences more if i had someone to share them with.

I see it your way, frankly. I was once told (by an ex) that I was like, 'half a person' and was trying to fill the gaps with someone else, and I've never believed that. It's not wrong to want to be with others, dammit.

 

[Gaze]

Yeah, i think i felt guilty for along time for having these feelings, worried that i was searching for someone because i wanted to feel needed (which in some sense I do), but feeling that i had to prove somehow to myself that i didn't want to be in a relationship for the "wrong" reasons. I suppressed my feelings about this for a long time, trying to err on the side of caution, and although it was good in that i didn't rush into any relationship in the past which i would've regretted later on, i realized that i missed out on some great experiences . . . with the right person of course.

I don't think it would necessarily make me more complete or make life perfect but i think that it'd enrich my experiences and I think i'd enjoy getting to know some one on a more personal level since most communication everyday feels superficial. Hate to say it, but i'm really tired of the cordial, superficial, frienships I have. They're not fulfilling.

 

[DoveAlexa]

It's not wrong to want to be with others, dammit.

My thoughts EXACTLY! Why would a person who is perfectly happy and complete by themselves, have a desire to partner up with anyone let alone stay there long term? A lot of this seems like psychologists pinning "badness" on normal human needs and desires. I'm not even going to bother finding it, but I read a study where romantic relationships are actually essential to human health, just as vitamins and minerals are.

 

[Billy]

Hmm, I dont think it really matters really... either way, as long as the relationship participants are mature. I know I am much happier/healthier in a relationship then when I am not... but, I lose a lot of my identity to a relationship, this isnt so bad as long as its being replaced with love and affection. I think its a bad idea in general for immature and mentally unhealthy people to get into a relationship though because it just complicates things and makes it harder for the relationship to work. Those issues should be worked on while single, so as not to drag mud on the carpet of the house.

 

[Billy]

My thoughts EXACTLY! Why would a person who is perfectly happy and complete by themselves, have a desire to partner up with anyone let alone stay there long term? A lot of this seems like psychologists pinning "badness" on normal human needs and desires. I'm not even going to bother finding it, but I read a study where romantic relationships are actually essential to human health, just as vitamins and minerals are.

Well one should be complete to a degree and happy with themselves, otherwise they will just be a drain on the relationship, taking more and more and not putting as much into it, this inequity can last for a little while but not forever.

 

[~jet]

My thoughts EXACTLY! Why would a person who is perfectly happy and complete by themselves, have a desire to partner up with anyone let alone stay there long term? A lot of this seems like psychologists pinning "badness" on normal human needs and desires. I'm not even going to bother finding it, but I read a study where romantic relationships are actually essential to human health, just as vitamins and minerals are.

I wouldn't be surprised; ... though, I probably should be wise and add that close FRIENDSHIPS add on to the good-health pile, too... my possible tendancy to focus all my attention on one person probably IS a little wrong, if well intentioned.

I think my work having uprooted me from my friendships twice in three years... has really done a real number on me.

 

[jyrffw54]

I've been single for almost 3 years and i've found that I am a generally happy person, but I'm happier when I am in a relationship.

Here's how I look at it,

When we're born, we have a small hole that is easily filled by our parents and family.
As children and teens, it gets a little bigger and family alone doesn't fill the hole, so we make friends, develop hobbies, expand our imaginations.
The older we get, the harder it is to fill that hole. Some people turn to drugs and alchol in feeble attempts to fill it, others to food, shopping, and other materials, but when one meets someone that really clicks with them, it fills a much more significant space.

When you meet the One, the hole is filled

 

[PoetessK]

I think it might also depend on the 'type' of relationship it is. Example is, I have two very dear friends, one friendship is full of challenges and battles, the other is smooth, easy, we just very simply connect. The first friendship I am ready to end completely. Granted I know you're not talking about friendship, but love relationships too have those vibes. A true connection without all the challenges and battles would be healthy, no matter what place a person is in their lives.

 

[Nighthawk]

When we're born, we have a small hole that is easily filled by our parents and family.
As children and teens, it gets a little bigger and family alone doesn't fill the hole, so we make friends, develop hobbies, expand our imaginations.
The older we get, the harder it is to fill that hole. Some people turn to drugs and alchol in feeble attempts to fill it, others to food, shopping, and other materials, but when one meets someone that really clicks with them, it fills a much more significant space.

When you meet the One, the hole is filled

^^^This

I prefer being in a relationship to being single. There is something to be said about sharing special moments with somebody you love. I'm probably a hopeless romantic in that respect. I believe in the One as well and I have found her.