He confuses me - an INFJ guy, HELP!

[SillyGoose]

I was chatting for 3 months with infj guy. He broke up 5 year long relationship few weeks/months before we started to chat and at first he was whiney about that, about 10-14 days after we intensely chatted he stopped whining completely - I thought its becuase he likes me, and it was because of that. We chatted all day for a month and half, and meeting in person was "in the air".
His break up was weird, he was 4 years in very happy relationship and then the girl, INTJ, suggested they continue an open relationship, only for sexual pleasure, so he agreed. For few months they kissed other people and then his best friend kissed him, and he decided to leave his gf to try with best friend. He tried for couple of months and that best friend/gf went back to her home town after graduating. He realized he doesnt love her and miss his ex. He wanted her back but she didnt want to and so he eventually got over her. Now he says he was falling out of love during open relationship and they would break up eventually regardless of that bes friend.
He feels like an ass about whole thing.
So I entered in this situation, not very good start, but as our attraction was huge it seemed very promising.
There was/is also another problem, I have very difficult period in life (recovering from sexual abuse) and I am emotionally labile and depressed and he knows it from beginning. He told me e will not make pressure on me to meet with him, I sshould take my time. But i fell for him a lot, and really wanted to meet him.
So, to make this story shorter, after a while, as expected, we started to talk less, I was acting stupid -jealous and stuff (doh i am silly) and so we had few fights and he withdrew. So ee continued contact but he said I ask too much and he is not the kind of person who can talk intensively online, that he did it in the beginning because he liked me very much but cant keep the intensity BUT he still likes me very much. And told me he doesnt hae a problem to wait until i am ready to start something, also said he is absent minded and gforgets to check emails etc.
Well all that to me sounds like he lost interst, but he swears he didnt.
So I decided i shouldnt care so much and let it go a little, just take my pride, and he emails me how he misses me and that he is still into me a lot.

So this is all confusing, if he is why he never wants to chat?:'(
I am terrible with self-esteem due my sexual abuse so i guess i believe i am unlovable and people can smell that - so maybe that was a turn off? And my neediness.
I stopped doing all that.. But the question remains; is it true "i like you very much but i am not a chat-person" and we talked A LOT in the beginning?

Sorry for so long post

 

[Wyote]

It's pretty simple. He wants a real relationship(not online) and is getting impatient with you not pursuing things. Seems pretty clear.

 

[SillyGoose]

Well he also said how he enjoys being single and is realizing that now <- not really an invitation for something. But when I mention that he says i am reading too much between lines.

 

[Wyote]

Then you are. Surely he enjoys it, but he can also enjoy being with the right person.

 

[The Jester]

Well he also said how he enjoys being single and is realizing that now <- not really an invitation for something. But when I mention that he says i am reading too much between lines.

Perhaps he enjoys it because his previous relationship wasn't good.

Anyway, if I were you, I'd meet him.
If he didn't like you, he wouldn't send you those mails.

 

[FamineGT]

Just my personal opinion but from what you mentioned so far, I think it might be easier for you to move on and find someone else.

I think both of you are caught up "in the moment" of having a potential relationship. I think Wyote was accurate in that he seems to want an actual official relationship, and you seem to want a relationship yourself for slightly different reasons. I sense a gap in what each person wants/needs out of the relationship, which doesn't bode well for the outcome if both of you decide to get together.

What concerns me is his behaviour in your story. He started off in a 4 year relationship before his ex suggested that they continue an open relationship for sexual pleasure. Now the questions that make me wonder is this:

1) Why would the ex suggest this?
2) Why did he agree to it?

Then what also makes me iffy is his attempt to connect with his best friend. I get the feeling that he was already reading the writing on the wall and decided to attempt to connect with his best friend to establish a more confirmed relationship status. My opinion though is that he was right about two things: he didn't love his best friend, and the relationship with his ex would have split up regardless of the situation with his best friend.

Now, what really concerns me is how this will affect you. After reading your situation, I don't think connecting with the guy will help you out much. He seems to be the sort who would prefer a physical-type relationship and I would hate to see him force any physical advances on you when you're not ready. Also the fact that he says that you "ask too much", yet claims that he's "still into you" and "misses you a lot" is a bit conflicting.

Obviously, I'm missing many finer points of the conversation but I feel that you can use the time to sort your personal situation, and find someone who is more stable and put together than the individual in question. INFJs aren't meant for vocal conversations...we tend to prefer putting our thoughts on paper which could be what he meant by not being a "chat-person". But I still get the feeling there's something more about this guy...he seems to smack of "desperation", which is not a good sign.

Just my thoughts on the situation. Hope it resolves itself in the best and easiest way possible!

 

[James]

[MENTION=3612]SillyGoose[/MENTION],
I'd be careful about meeting anyone of the internet, but from what I read an INFJ/ENFP would be a good match. Don't worry about being 'needy' everyone is to at least some degree. At least your self aware and you're trying to make a go of things in your life.

If this doesn't work out something else will. He may have got cold feet, but not everyone else does. Usually things like that happen when you least expect them to. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

 

[SillyGoose]

Just my personal opinion but from what you mentioned so far, I think it might be easier for you to move on and find someone else.

I think both of you are caught up "in the moment" of having a potential relationship. I think Wyote was accurate in that he seems to want an actual official relationship, and you seem to want a relationship yourself for slightly different reasons. I sense a gap in what each person wants/needs out of the relationship, which doesn't bode well for the outcome if both of you decide to get together.

I dont know how you mean this - why do you think we want different things?? I want relationship too, i mean , i like him enough to think he is potential future bf, so? I want to meet him, just not right now.

What concerns me is his behaviour in your story. He started off in a 4 year relationship before his ex suggested that they continue an open relationship for sexual pleasure. Now the questions that make me wonder is this:

1) Why would the ex suggest this?
2) Why did he agree to it?

1) because they were together from HS, he was her first sex partner and she wanted to try others. We talked a lot about it and end conclusion is that their relationship was coming to an end and they didnt want to admit it or deal with problems so they found this "solution". He says he is ashamed for doing that, he agreed for the same reason she suggested it i guess, he said "we stopped being jealous i guess this is a sign that in the end we didnt loe each other enough". They were very in love and happy for few years!

Then what also makes me iffy is his attempt to connect with his best friend. I get the feeling that he was already reading the writing on the wall and decided to attempt to connect with his best friend to establish a more confirmed relationship status. My opinion though is that he was right about two things: he didn't love his best friend, and the relationship with his ex would have split up regardless of the situation with his best friend.

He didnt try with his bestfriend. She made a move on him and kissed him. He didnt even thought about her as potential more than friend before this. I guess its cos he is hard to resist - good looking ans as INFJ rare type of man. He told me tons of times he is very passive and NEVER kissed a girl first.
He broke up with ex because he felt "something" for best friend and didnt wanna not-try with her. His best friend is his "twin, just opposite sex", assuming she is INFJ too.. So he thought she ccould be better match :/
I have because of my issues trust issues with people, so all this sstory made me paranoid at the beginning. I rarely feel for a guy something so i am not really exciting on moving on, why?!

[quote
Now, what really concerns me is how this will affect you. After reading your situation, I don't think connecting with the guy will help you out much. He seems to be the sort who would prefer a physical-type relationship and I would hate to see him force any physical advances on you when you're not ready. Also the fact that he says that you "ask too much", yet claims that he's "still into you" and "misses you a lot" is a bit conflicting.[/QUOTE]

Conflicting part is a reason why I opened thread. He said i ask too much when i was jealous of something and he said he cant be "loyal" to me online, etc., but then sends eemail with "i am not seing anyone just to make suee you know becuase i dont want you to worry or be jealous"

Obviously, I'm missing many finer points of the conversation but I feel that you can use the time to sort your personal situation, and find someone who is more stable and put together than the individual in question. INFJs aren't meant for vocal conversations...we tend to prefer putting our thoughts on paper which could be what he meant by not being a "chat-person". But I still get the feeling there's something more about this guy...he seems to smack of "desperation", which is not a good sign.

Just my thoughts on the situation. Hope it resolves itself in the best and easiest way possible!

nah he said he is not for intensive online communication. What do you mean about desparation?
Basically he sieems unstable about how much he likes me, and when i said it he says it is not true, denies it, and okay, thing is i am afraid to risk in my position and i dont want to be played with

 

[SillyGoose]

[MENTION=3612]SillyGoose[/MENTION],
I'd be careful about meeting anyone of the internet, but from what I read an INFJ/ENFP would be a good match. Don't worry about being 'needy' everyone is to at least some degree. At least your self aware and you're trying to make a go of things in your life.

If this doesn't work out something else will. He may have got cold feet, but not everyone else does. Usually things like that happen when you least expect them to. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

Thanks! Would you say from my posts he got cold feet?

 

[FamineGT]

I dont know how you mean this - why do you think we want different things?? I want relationship too, i mean , i like him enough to think he is potential future bf, so? I want to meet him, just not right now.

I guess to put it bluntly, he's looking for a physical relationship and you seem to want a relationship for security. You want to be with someone who would be a solid rock for you to overcome your problems and have that added support. He seems to want a relationship for the "sex" aspect.

1) because they were together from HS, he was her first sex partner and she wanted to try others. We talked a lot about it and end conclusion is that their relationship was coming to an end and they didnt want to admit it or deal with problems so they found this "solution". He says he is ashamed for doing that, he agreed for the same reason she suggested it i guess, he said "we stopped being jealous i guess this is a sign that in the end we didnt loe each other enough".

This statement supports my opinion of him wanting a physical relationship. He was her first sex partner and didn't want to lose that when she suggested to try other people. That's why he said yes and took the opportunity that his best friend provided when she turned it into a physical relationship.

He didnt try with his bestfriend. She made a move on him and kissed him. He didnt even thought about her as potential more than friend before this. I guess its cos he is hard to resist - good looking ans as INFJ rare type of man. He told me tons of times he is very passive and NEVER kissed a girl first.
He broke up with ex because he felt "something" for best friend and didnt wanna not-try with her. His best friend is his "twin, just opposite sex", assuming she is INFJ too.. So he thought she ccould be better match :/
I have because of my issues trust issues with people, so all this sstory made me paranoid at the beginning. I rarely feel for a guy something so i am not really exciting on moving on, why?!

Just because someone makes a move on someone doesn't mean that they have to automatically accept it. Considering that he just came off of a long-term relationship to try with a friend, most people would have dismissed that as him rebounding. This is part of the reason why I mentioned "desperation". You would think he would be more cautious and in the "getting over" phase than jumping into a new relationship after breaking off with his previous one recently...especially after a 4-year relationship. Then it also becomes the question of why he went back to his ex. My opinion is that the option of sex was still available to him since they left it so open. Unfortunately for him, she (the ex) turned him down and that became the end of their relationship.

My opinion about your question is that he wants a physical relationship but since you haven't met up with him yet, he is limiting the talks but keeping the possibility open of a relationship so you can meet him in person.

You seem to feel really strongly for him, so if that's how you feel then I'm not stopping you. You wanted an opinion of the situation so you don't really have to listen to what I say. I just wanted to give you an unbiased opinion and what I say shouldn't be taken as truth or fact.

 

[SillyGoose]

I guess to put it bluntly, he's looking for a physical relationship and you seem to want a relationship for security. You want to be with someone who would be a solid rock for you to overcome your problems and have that added support. He seems to want a relationship for the "sex" aspect.

Not sure where you concluded this, but thats not true, i know 100%. he never even started sex topic wih me first, he says he couldnt have sex with someone who he doesnt love and had sex with only 3 girls in life. He turned down all sex outside relationships. If you cocluded this based on open relationship - they didnt have sex with others, just kissed other people, and, he says he is ashamed and would never repeat it.

This statement supports my opinion of him wanting a physical relationship. He was her first sex partner and didn't want to lose that when she suggested to try other people. That's why he said yes and took the opportunity that his best friend provided when she turned it into a physical relationship.

Not sure what you re saying

Just because someone makes a move on someone doesn't mean that they have to automatically accept it. Considering that he just came off of a long-term relationship to try with a friend, most people would have dismissed that as him rebounding. This is part of the reason why I mentioned "desperation". You would think he would be more cautious and in the "getting over" phase than jumping into a new relationship after breaking off with his previous one recently...especially after a 4-year relationship. Then it also becomes the question of why he went back to his ex. My opinion is that the option of sex was still available to him since they left it so open. Unfortunately for him, she (the ex) turned him down and that became the end of their relationship.

It is 8 months since he break up with ex, he waited 2 months to try with friend between break uP and then tried.
I am confused about many things but I am sire sex isnt motivation to him he turns it down quite often, I initiated some sex talk not him. Never.

My opinion about your question is that he wants a physical relationship but since you haven't met up with him yet, he is limiting the talks but keeping the possibility open of a relationship so you can meet him in person.

You seem to feel really strongly for him, so if that's how you feel then I'm not stopping you. You wanted an opinion of the situation so you don't really have to listen to what I say. I just wanted to give you an unbiased opinion and what I say shouldn't be taken as truth or fact.

Hm, so you think he is manipulating me in order to have sex with me one day. I really doubt so because he has oportunitiea in RL often

 

[FamineGT]

Not sure where you concluded this, but thats not true, i know 100%. he never even started sex topic wih me first, he says he couldnt have sex with someone who he doesnt love and had sex with only 3 girls in life. He turned down all sex outside relationships. If you cocluded this based on open relationship - they didnt have sex with others, just kissed other people, and, he says he is ashamed and would never repeat it.

Why would any guy want to initiate sex talk...especially an INFJ guy? Most people who do that would get slapped instantly unless the other person thought they were joking or knew them really well. It's fine that he's selective about his sex partners, but it just might be his preference to have sex with partners he's in a relationship in rather than someone he doesn't know.

Not sure what you re saying

I'm saying he had opportunities to engage in a physical relationship. First with his ex, then with his best friend when she initiated the kiss. I doubt he would make the first move, so it's up to the girl to do so.

It is 8 months since he break up with ex, he waited 2 months to try with friend between break uP and then tried.
I am confused about many things but I am sire sex isnt motivation to him he turns it down quite often, I initiated some sex talk not him. Never.

There's a general rule, which also shouldn't be taken as fact, but it mentions that whatever the length of the relationship is, it takes about half that time for a person to fully get over it. For a four year relationship, 8 months seems like a small time unless a) he's good at getting over stuff b)he really didn't love her as much as he thinks he did, or c) the love was lost during the four year relationship.

Hm, so you think he is manipulating me in order to have sex with me one day. I really doubt so because he has oportunitiea in RL often

I could be wrong with my opinion of him just wanting sex, but I would think that he would want some form of physicality (whether it be something simple as holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc.). In any case, the online chats seem to be frustrating him and he seems to want more.

 

[SillyGoose]

Well he said the love was decreasing during the end of relationship. I think he really is iver her ebcause when i asked him about it he said he is so bored with that subject because he really doesnt care anymore why this why that, he said he was very broken for few months, crying all days etc. I think he is over her because it started much earlier to fall apart.

I know he is bored with online thing, what I was wondering is just is he worth risking anything more with. I am very P person but in matters of a heart i have to be ver careful currently because I am going through too much...


I am also confused why you keep separating sex and relationship - its not like i want sexless relationship.


Thanks for answers

 

[FamineGT]

I am also confused why you keep separating sex and relationship - its not like i want sexless relationship.

After reading about your situation, I just assumed that you wanted to hold off from the sex aspect of the relationship until later on.

I hope things work out for you!

 

[SillyGoose]

I talked to him about this and he said he is really really into me. And thought a lot about us and can really imagine himself in a relationship with me, but he is not ready yet for a new relationship, but "Is getting there". Then explained his mind and heart say yes but his body says no, like he cant let himself be enthusiastic about it. I am usually quite pragmatic in this situations, and think that this would be just exuse for not being interested enough... but I think I have nothing to lose to wait a little bit and see. He said he's been in love only once and it took him a lot to fall for his ex, and in the beginning she wanted him and he was neutral, so, he said this to explain why he can seem like he is not interested.
Said to me that i shouldnt worry that it will not take him long yet to be ready for new relationship.

I dont think he is interested in sex only because he knows I wouldnt sleep with someone unless we share deep connection and are in love, I cant imagine anyone keeping me for sex because I ask so much more.

Thing is when I talk to him I feel like I am out of this planet. I even cry so often when we chat. Out of some joy. Yeah, I know, weird, but he has so weird impact on me. I am very very rarely interested in people in more than friends way, quite cold blooded. I like a lot people but I rarely want to be with them for real. But him..

We'll see... if anyone has advice, or opinion. party poopers are welcome, too.

 

[Billy]

My advice would be to just stay in the loop until you are ready to meet him and hope he doesnt get snatched up or get lost along the way, thats the risk you take for making him wait, but he is likely realizing that he doesnt want to "get sprung" over some silly online thing.

I have been in that situation before where we couldnt meet and she wanted me to keep up with the constant calling and emails and facebooking and online video chatting, its like christ after a while I need to get some release that the cold glow of a computer screen cant quench. And I am not talking just sex, I mean emotionally, the need to grab someone up in your arms and feel their body and their warmth.

 

[SillyGoose]

Haha thanks billy i guess i wasnt clear enough in the last post i asked him to meet but he said he cant meet yet, and all other things he said that i wrote in last post

 

[SillyGoose]

Hahaha this story is getting weird!!

He sent me message like this:
Ok, I decided to admit ; I am in love with you. I didnt wanna meet because I am insecure and think you wont like me. I think you are way above my league and that I will trick you into being with me because you are not aware of your worth.

Blah blah, rest of the email is pretty much like this.


This is weird, very weird. Yesterday he told me he is slow to fall for someone! What!

He is confused i guess. And nuts. :/

I mean i like that he likes me but "in love" c'mmon? Few days ago it was "i am not ready for new relationship but i like you very much" - i mean, i did use all my charms in those few days but common "in love".


Is this infj-y?

 

[Razare]

Sounds like he's getting over-enthused at the prospect of a relationship. Anyone can mistake it for love. It's more like... a really excited feeling that gives you an emotional high. He's probably a heavy Ti-user if he was rejecting his attraction to you at first. It implies he thought it through and realized a real or imagined problem.

I wouldn't say he's necessarily nuts, no more nuts than the average INFJ.

He just needs to learn to temper his natural enthusiasm.

If you want him, I wouldn't return his warmness with any cold remarks or rejection. You'll likely lose your chance entirely.

 

[SillyGoose]

I didnt say "i am in love with you" back, i was more convincin him i am not out of his league etc.,

Yeah I want him of course!