Homophobic friends??

[Raccoon Love]

Hello all, I do not weather this belongs here or in the emotional support as this is sort of a rant...anyhow, as a LGBT person I have to deal with massive homophobic comments everyday of my life. At times I did not give much importance to them, as this came from mostly people I did not know..though it still hurt deep inside that people where making such rude comments, it did not trouble me in the sense that I did not need this people to accept me as I never related in any way or form to them, they were not a part of my life.

Now that I am making friends, this is getting harder to deal with. At first when I came out to my class which had my closest friends, it all went so naturally..but it seems a lot of people have forgotten that..not only this people, but I am also meeting new people on a regular basis as I am becoming more social. I am being introduced to so many scenarios, I feel like I can safely name my entire graduating class.

Now what's bothering me is the massive amount of homophobic comments, specially by straight guys that for some stupid reason have the need to demonstrate their "masculinity" by insulting others, of course they are unaware of how insecure it makes them sound. Anyhow, this new "friends" I am making, have demonstrated to show a great deal of homophobia, and are constantly using phrases like "that's so gay" or "Phaggot" or "they can go to hell". I am quite good at just going with the flow, but this makes me think..what kind of friends am I making? are they really worth it? can they possibly change?..and what's worst is that the ones who know, the friends that got me out of my shell are just going with the flow, they are pretty indifferent and from time to time they will jump in and later tell me "it was just for the moment".

I really have no idea how to deal with this..I just can't believe how insensitive people can be!

I am also being cyberbullied, I have decided to delete my formspring and possibly my FB..there's one person..or maybe its more who keeps insulting me..and I really have no idea who it is. All I know is that this person has access to my account so it has to be one of my friends or more..all I know is that I am constantly monitoring and I have had to delete so many formspring questions!!!

 

[Kgal]

Things Change

Hello all, I do not weather this belongs here or in the emotional support as this is sort of a rant...anyhow, as a LGBT person I have to deal with massive homophobic comments everyday of my life. At times I did not give much importance to them, as this came from mostly people I did not know..though it still hurt deep inside that people where making such rude comments, it did not trouble me in the sense that I did not need this people to accept me as I never related in any way or form to them, they were not a part of my life.

Now that I am making friends, this is getting harder to deal with. At first when I came out to my class which had my closest friends, it all went so naturally..but it seems a lot of people have forgotten that..not only this people, but I am also meeting new people on a regular basis as I am becoming more social. I am being introduced to so many scenarios, I feel like I can safely name my entire graduating class.

Now what's bothering me is the massive amount of homophobic comments, specially by straight guys that for some stupid reason have the need to demonstrate their "masculinity" by insulting others, of course they are unaware of how insecure it makes them sound. Anyhow, this new "friends" I am making, have demonstrated to show a great deal of homophobia, and are constantly using phrases like "that's so gay" or "Phaggot" or "they can go to hell". I am quite good at just going with the flow, but this makes me think..what kind of friends am I making? are they really worth it? can they possibly change?..and what's worst is that the ones who know, the friends that got me out of my shell are just going with the flow, they are pretty indifferent and from time to time they will jump in and later tell me "it was just for the moment".

I really have no idea how to deal with this..I just can't believe how insensitive people can be!

I am also being cyberbullied, I have decided to delete my formspring and possibly my FB..there's one person..or maybe its more who keeps insulting me..and I really have no idea who it is. All I know is that this person has access to my account so it has to be one of my friends or more..all I know is that I am constantly monitoring and I have had to delete so many formspring questions!!!

Aww...RL. I wish I could give you a hug.

I couldn't believe people could be so mean when I was your age either. I don't know what to say that could make you feel better. I can only say what I've learned over the years.

People these days really seem to be scared. Scared of losing their identity. Scared of losing their ways of making a living and being self sufficient. Some people are scared of losing their homes and being homeless. All this kind of thinking promotes a kind of "Either you're with us - or - Against us" mentality. Gangs abound in this country and I don't mean just the ones who use code symbols with their hands and knife people for initiation rites. So people bluster and repeat comments they've heard just so they fit in.

Try to keep in mind that most people have no real introspective ability. They don't even know WHEN they're having an emotion - much less WHAT it is. They're a bundle of nervous energy with emotions roiling in them and they have no clue what's going in in themselves. So they act aggressively to work off the feelings they don't understand.

You on the other hand are light years ahead of 99% of your peers when it comes to having real empathy and compassion for humans because you are very introspective and understand what it feels like to have emotions. You are not afraid!

I believe You will encounter this kind of thinking all throughout your lifetime. And you're going to have to figure out a way to decide WHICH battles you are willing to fight. For there will be many.

Hold your heart in your hand and tell yourself you'll be ok - even though you are being buffeted about by the winds of fear.

No - I don't think those people will largely be good friends to you right now. For one thing - they haven't a clue as to who they really are. Give them time to figure things out for themselves. In the meantime - be a caring person to them as much as is safe for you to do so and demonstrate that even though you are LGBT - you are a real human with a real (huge) heart. Maybe one day they'll see the light and then they'll know you were a true friend.

Those of us who don't fit in with the majority (I am one of those too) find it hard to walk our paths in life. In the end - I just did the best I could for myself and loved people even though if they knew me well - they'd be afraid of me.

I count myself lucky for I've had some life long friends and some new friends who feel like we've known each other our whole lives. You will have those also. I have no doubt.

Mine is one opinion. Seek others to help you develop your true answer. You will prevail. In the meantime. Study. Read some cool stuff. Take your vitamins. Take care of yourself. These steps are important!

 

[Majesty]

You said it. They're insecure, they need to put others down to make themselves feel better. If they can't accept the fact than there are different sexual orientations, they're most likely not really open-minded and intelligent either. So who's the winner in the end, you or them? Do you really want to be friends with that kind of people? Some get better, but some just stay dumbasses all their life.

As for the cyberbullying this is just stupid, any cool 10 years old douchebag kid with a pokemon hat can do whatever they want because they're behind a screen... you shouldn't care about it.

I know it's easy to say that they aren't worth it and you shouldn't care but maybe less to really stop caring, so wait for people better than me with that kind of problems

 

[middle1]

[MENTION=1768]Raccoon Love[/MENTION]

For the life of me I can't figure out why people feel the need to tell others how to live their own lives or criticize people for who they are and what they do.

Anyway, and I say this with regret, its probably not going to get easier. The world is just that cruel. Just surrond yourself with people who are your champions and piss on the rest. I think you and your peers are at a stage in life where differences are going to be noticed and ridiculed and bullies will be bullies. Hopefully people mature and gain more understanding and acceptance with age, but that is not always the case. You are so much more than being gay, don't forget that. Don't let others make or break you. I think you are going to do just fine in this world.

 

[Quest]

People can be so immature. Any "friend" who doesn't stand up for you when others are being hurtful like this isn't a friend. How can they even stand up for you when they're doing the same thing? Them being indifferent and "going with the flow" are bad enough, but to lateron open their mouths to say,

 

[Raccoon Love]

I am thinking of doing Facebook, since there's at least one person in that list who is doing it.

Some go with the flow, some join in. The ones who go with the flow usually might try to stir the topic in a whole new direction. I know some of them don't mean it, its just that homophobia is rampant in my school, specially among guys which is a shame. I still consider some of them my friends, though I know that definition is being used loosely. I know one in particular who is a nice person on his own, but religious dogma has been put all over his head. Most just do it to poke fun, some as a "joke" others because they really mean their insults.

Its a very complex situation..

 

[Jill Hives]

People these days really seem to be scared. Scared of losing their identity. Scared of losing their ways of making a living and being self sufficient. Some people are scared of losing their homes and being homeless. All this kind of thinking promotes a kind of "Either you're with us - or - Against us" mentality. Gangs abound in this country and I don't mean just the ones who use code symbols with their hands and knife people for initiation rites. So people bluster and repeat comments they've heard just so they fit in.

Try to keep in mind that most people have no real introspective ability. They don't even know WHEN they're having an emotion - much less WHAT it is. They're a bundle of nervous energy with emotions roiling in them and they have no clue what's going in in themselves. So they act aggressively to work off the feelings they don't understand.

I think this really hits the nail right on the head. Anyone who would do this to you is just a scared little person, totally unsure of themselves in this world with no other way to make themselves feel powerful and in control.

It sucks that life is this way and that there are people who react this way due to their own issues, but it feels as though it'll always be this way.

I think one way to look at it would be like as an emotional obstacle course. You are enduring trials and harsh experiences that are (hopefully) teaching you the bounds of your own personal strength and you will become a better person for it all.

I hope even through all of this life will keep sending you reminders that there are a lot of people who exist who will accept you for exactly what you are. Just hang in there!

 

[Saru Inc]

Homophobic people make me go :der:

Much love RL <3


I know what you mean, though the people around me aren't so open about it. Maybe you just shouldn't let people know? I'm not saying hide yourself at all, but if it's not brought up, don't bring it up. High school and below cannot handle sexual orientation whatsoever, which is why I stayed in the smelly closet (as best as my effeminate self could).


How are your parents though, is what I am more concerned about. Do they accept it?

 

[Raccoon Love]

Homophobic people make me go :der:

Much love RL <3


I know what you mean, though the people around me aren't so open about it. Maybe you just shouldn't let people know? I'm not saying hide yourself at all, but if it's not brought up, don't bring it up. High school and below cannot handle sexual orientation whatsoever, which is why I stayed in the smelly closet (as best as my effeminate self could).


How are your parents though, is what I am more concerned about. Do they accept it?

I keep it hidden most of the time, I did came out on coming out day but that was only really to a class where most of my "closest" relations are..I am starting to meet new people, maybe if they knew they would keep it more hidden, or maybe they will reject me....I just feel bad at how much the environment and others contribute to this, a lot of them are good people to talk to if it weren't for this..

My parents found out..they have not fully accepted me and at first it was hell but now its more of a "whatever" feeling. They just want me to become independent as soon as possible..and try to go forward in my life.

 

[Soulful]

Reading this makes me feel both sad and angry. I have no doubt you will come out beyond all of this an even stronger person, but you shouldn't have to face all of this crap.

Does facebook have a feature for reporting harassment? I could have sworn I've heard something along those lines...

As for your in-person friends, you have several options that you can take at any time. You can keep quiet with everyone, or you can discuss this with whomever you wish to whatever degree you wish to. It's really up to you and what you feel most comfortable with. Unfortunately, keep in mind there's no guarantee that everyone would respond respectfully should you take this route, but I hope at least some of your friends are people who deserve your friendship and are mature and open-minded enough to understand. Some people are not at that point, and it's okay to not associate with them if you'd rather not.

As for how to say it? Well, hmm.. others may have better ideas, but I would think even a simple "Excuse me" delivered in an appropriate tone might do the trick with some people who know you're gay (although not everyone) - kind of like "what the ****? I'm standing right here". But I've been out of high school for a while and don't know if that's a good idea for high school or more of a "real-world" response. Hopefully others will have some things in mind.

Good luck! You are so strong. And while I'm sure you won't forget it, one day this will be something you look back on from a better place.

 

[basic]

I would say that for now choose who you consider a friend. Those who say negative things about being gay or people who are gay are not worth the space in your brain or your consideration. People will always say things like "that's so gay" simply because it has become so common. Although I don't say it, my cousin will occasionally say it "that's so gay" even though she's gay also.

All I have to say is that I am in my third year of college now and I only talk to ONE of my friends from high school consistently (at least several times a week). I had a close group of friends then, but perhaps it was only a friendship that could last during that time in our lives. As you get older, your friends change as well. In high school you don't really have the choice as to who to surround yourself with. After high school you suddenly have that choice.

 

[894tt3h9]

I think you are going to have to learn to transcend the negativity you are finding yourself surrounded with. Do not be afraid to separate yourself from those who do not love and support you. You will have friends in your life who are homophobes and are polite about it and friends who don't care who you want to sleep with. Sometimes there is peace in agreeing to disagree and other times people will not be able to look past it.

As K-Gal pointed out, all of this is fear motivated. I don't understand why it is so important to some people for others to not be gay. It has not bearing on their own personal salvation. You don't get brownie points for converting a gay person to a straight person or trying (not that this can even be done, but they like to try).

People can be fueled by their fear, and when their fear takes a dominate role in their lives it is often translated into hate. If they show strong opposition to something they have been taught is wrong or that makes them uncomfortable or that they just plain don't understand somehow they seem to feel they're casting a safety net around themselves. Who knows where these insecurities come from, but you cannot allow other people's issues to become your own even if they try really hard to displace them on you.

Unfortunately you will find this everywhere though I do think as you get older the people who do not matter will be filtered out and your worries will be less.

As for being harassed online, as far as I know that is illegal in the USA and you can report it. I don't know if you want to take that route or if you want to simply disable your account. You may want to just delete all of your friends and start a fresh account where only you can search and add people who you know are trust worthy. Don't be afraid to take steps towards your own well-being.

 

[Jonathan]

I remember what that was like! Ugh. People can be so idiotic sometimes.
I would often cringe at people's harsh remarks about homosexuals. Most people you'll come across will be that way. I guess they haven't grown up enough to try to walk in someone else's shoes. On these forums, where there are many people who identify with various sexual orientations, it's like an oasis where people allow you to feel accepted in a world that just isn't very accepting. What people need to realize is that whether or not they agree with the idea of homosexuality (which is their choice), they need to treat each and every person with love and compassion, which everyone deserves. Unfortunately, while kids are in highschool, and worried about protecting their precious reputations, they sling around all this hateful trash talk to make themselves look like they have it all together. Dismiss it as immaturity, and hope that they grow out of it soon. I hope at least one of your friends will eventually understand that they need to be more compassionate, regardless of what everyone else is saying or doing.

I truly hope the bullying and harassment stops (or at least gets better, knowing how society is). I think trying to work on and grow friendships is a great thing! Just make sure you're not subjecting yourself to more pain than the friendship is worth.

 

[Kgal]

I would say that for now choose who you consider a friend. Those who say negative things about being gay or people who are gay are not worth the space in your brain or your consideration. People will always say things like "that's so gay" simply because it has become so common. Although I don't say it, my cousin will occasionally say it "that's so gay" even though she's gay also.

All I have to say is that I am in my third year of college now and I only talk to ONE of my friends from high school consistently (at least several times a week). I had a close group of friends then, but perhaps it was only a friendship that could last during that time in our lives. As you get older, your friends change as well. In high school you don't really have the choice as to who to surround yourself with. After high school you suddenly have that choice.

This is good! :high5:

 

[Trifoilum]

*hugs* I'm in your situations too (albeit never come out to them), and I settled with...it's just the way people are. Like how they can not like my favorite artist, or the way I'm thinking, they can also not like my sexual preference. It's just the way people are.

It's motivated by fear, yes; but in the end it's still a kind of 'dislike'. To do something, one's got to change a people's preconception. And I'm saying it's hard (Not useless or bad, but hard.) not to mention ethically questionable, if looked from certain point of views. I don't know about you (and you're definitely a bigger person than I am) but I don't feel -that- powerful, nor willing to change THAT much people. So in the end, unimportant homophobia's going to be part of my life.

Frankly speaking, at times I would very much like to demand that right to simply disagree with their belief too. </meh>

So..what should you do? Be a better person. Be kind. Stay sane. Let people who can see, see you for what you are, not what you represents.

Sorry. pretty shortsighted and cynical atm, but that's definitely a layer of my thoughts.

 

[Nixie]

I think too that whole being 16 thing plays a part. At that age, for most, it is so important for them to feel like they fit in with their peers and the idea of individualism is seen as scary and foreboding. The fact that you are mature enough to embrace your individuality and be who you want to be is intimidating to people enamored with the idea that the "group" is all powerful. I know it doesn't make it easier but I usually find comfort if I can figure out "why" on some level.