ce_matin_la
Lucky
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 6
We have both just graduated from separate colleges, and have been best friends for almost 10 years; our families have known each other for much longer, as we're related by marriage. I'm, of course, an INFJ, and she's definitely an E---. This difference isn't bad, as I like having all kinds of friends, but I feel that she and I are growing apart because our personalities are now drastically different. Living 500 miles from one for four years made these disparities much starker. Initially, it was just our tastes in music that changed, but as time went on, things such as belief systems, values, and world views shifted. As someone who tends to want deep, meaningful friendships with people who have similar world views, these changes have been difficult to reconcile with our long friendship and the many things we've experienced together throughout a decade. In order for you to understand what I'm having aspects I'm having problems with, I must explain our differences first:
1. I value compassion and empathy, which she does not. Ex. We found out about a tragedy that killed a mutual friend's 20-year-old cousin. I have been dwelling on this tragedy for the past three weeks, and it's been an incessant thought in my mind. My friend said, "They [the family of the dead] need to get over it and stop embarrassing themseles. Their kid was stupid and didn't follow the rules." I was angry when she said this, and said that people shouldn't talk about the dead that way, as all the couldhaveshouldhavewouldhaves won't bring a family's dead child back. My friend misunderstood me, and said, "Exactly." I gave up, and became incredibly disappointed in her lack of empathy.
2. More on empathy: She has a hard time putting herself in others' shoes. She doesn't care about humanitarian causes, while I do. She thinks vegetarianism is dumb. I don't. She makes fun of people, which I cannot stand.
3. She tends to be delusional about relationships with people. Ex. She's liked this guy for two years, and admitted this to him just last year. He told her he doesn't feel the same way. About a week later, he drunkenly slept with my friend's roommate. My friend still believes he likes her, but thinks he just can't admit it for whatever reason. I told her that she should just forget about the whole thing and move on, but I know if I kept saying this, she would think I'm jealous. After everything that has happened, she still thinks there's hope. For the past two years, all she has talked about is this guy; we have 2 hour phone conversations where she explains everything in detail, and repeats the same things over and over again. During these conversations, she doesn't stop to ask what's new in my life.
4. That takes me to my next point: She's self-absorbed, and doesn't tire of talking about herself, her achievements, how everyone loves her, etc.
5. She doesn't accept that people are just human, and make mistakes. A couple of years ago, I dated a guy who used me to pass the time. It was the ONE time I let my guard time, and got my heartbroken because of it. Instead of comforting me after it ended, she said, "Not gonna lie, dude, but when you told me you were seeing him, I thought it was a bad idea. My first impression of him just told me. And he was ugly." My other friends consoled me, and showed me how to think of the situation objectively, while my "best" friend made me feel more like a fool.
6. She doesn't keep my secrets, so I stopped telling her any.
7. She's a show-off, and also tries to present herself as a martyr or bleeding heart.
8. She thinks I'm always wrong, and she's always right. This is demonstrated even when I say a word and she questions the pronunciation, even though I'm right.
9. If I have any successes, I can hear the jealousy in her voice when she congratulates me. She has even told me she is a envious person.
10. She has flat-out told me she doesn't like my friends, even though they haven't done anything to her. She doesn't agree with their lifestyles, even though it's none of her business. Interestingly enough, she's still friends with the roommate who slept with the guy she likes.
11. She doesn't have a problem with making fun of people, even her own parents in front of her friends. She does this for laughs, but it's not funny. It's awkward and shameful. Moreover, she's bossy and believes she has the best taste in everything.
12. We don't discuss things I'm interested in, and our conversations tend to be superficial (when she's not talking about herself, which is seriously rare). She's good at school, but not intellectual, so she has potty humor. She's "religious," but not spiritual, and isn't interested in discussing life. For example, when we were 15, my beliefs started to change, and I told her I didn't believe in God anymore (I don't know where I stand on this matter to this day), and she freaked out, saying, "You'd better get your ass back into it." This is coming from someone who doesn't know a single thing about theology, and only went to youth group to socialize. Also, she's self-righteous and boasts about how she prays for everyone she loves. I joked that she is like the Pharisees. She didn't know what I was referring to, and I didn't feel like explaining it.
I'm FAR from perfect. This I readily accept, as I don't strive for perfection. Doing so would be in vain. But it's no secret that I have completely different values than my supposed best friend, whom I can't even turn to for emotional support. I couldn't even tell her about how my family is falling apart due to my father's affair, because I absolutely don't trust her, and I can't count on her support. She would just become judgmental, and continue talking about her guy problems, and how she's so "depressed" because of them. The problem is that she thinks we're the greatest best friends who have ever lived. I'm sorry this is such a long rant, but I don't know where else to turn for support.
So, my question is, how do I deal with my "best" friend?
1. I value compassion and empathy, which she does not. Ex. We found out about a tragedy that killed a mutual friend's 20-year-old cousin. I have been dwelling on this tragedy for the past three weeks, and it's been an incessant thought in my mind. My friend said, "They [the family of the dead] need to get over it and stop embarrassing themseles. Their kid was stupid and didn't follow the rules." I was angry when she said this, and said that people shouldn't talk about the dead that way, as all the couldhaveshouldhavewouldhaves won't bring a family's dead child back. My friend misunderstood me, and said, "Exactly." I gave up, and became incredibly disappointed in her lack of empathy.
2. More on empathy: She has a hard time putting herself in others' shoes. She doesn't care about humanitarian causes, while I do. She thinks vegetarianism is dumb. I don't. She makes fun of people, which I cannot stand.
3. She tends to be delusional about relationships with people. Ex. She's liked this guy for two years, and admitted this to him just last year. He told her he doesn't feel the same way. About a week later, he drunkenly slept with my friend's roommate. My friend still believes he likes her, but thinks he just can't admit it for whatever reason. I told her that she should just forget about the whole thing and move on, but I know if I kept saying this, she would think I'm jealous. After everything that has happened, she still thinks there's hope. For the past two years, all she has talked about is this guy; we have 2 hour phone conversations where she explains everything in detail, and repeats the same things over and over again. During these conversations, she doesn't stop to ask what's new in my life.
4. That takes me to my next point: She's self-absorbed, and doesn't tire of talking about herself, her achievements, how everyone loves her, etc.
5. She doesn't accept that people are just human, and make mistakes. A couple of years ago, I dated a guy who used me to pass the time. It was the ONE time I let my guard time, and got my heartbroken because of it. Instead of comforting me after it ended, she said, "Not gonna lie, dude, but when you told me you were seeing him, I thought it was a bad idea. My first impression of him just told me. And he was ugly." My other friends consoled me, and showed me how to think of the situation objectively, while my "best" friend made me feel more like a fool.
6. She doesn't keep my secrets, so I stopped telling her any.
7. She's a show-off, and also tries to present herself as a martyr or bleeding heart.
8. She thinks I'm always wrong, and she's always right. This is demonstrated even when I say a word and she questions the pronunciation, even though I'm right.
9. If I have any successes, I can hear the jealousy in her voice when she congratulates me. She has even told me she is a envious person.
10. She has flat-out told me she doesn't like my friends, even though they haven't done anything to her. She doesn't agree with their lifestyles, even though it's none of her business. Interestingly enough, she's still friends with the roommate who slept with the guy she likes.
11. She doesn't have a problem with making fun of people, even her own parents in front of her friends. She does this for laughs, but it's not funny. It's awkward and shameful. Moreover, she's bossy and believes she has the best taste in everything.
12. We don't discuss things I'm interested in, and our conversations tend to be superficial (when she's not talking about herself, which is seriously rare). She's good at school, but not intellectual, so she has potty humor. She's "religious," but not spiritual, and isn't interested in discussing life. For example, when we were 15, my beliefs started to change, and I told her I didn't believe in God anymore (I don't know where I stand on this matter to this day), and she freaked out, saying, "You'd better get your ass back into it." This is coming from someone who doesn't know a single thing about theology, and only went to youth group to socialize. Also, she's self-righteous and boasts about how she prays for everyone she loves. I joked that she is like the Pharisees. She didn't know what I was referring to, and I didn't feel like explaining it.
I'm FAR from perfect. This I readily accept, as I don't strive for perfection. Doing so would be in vain. But it's no secret that I have completely different values than my supposed best friend, whom I can't even turn to for emotional support. I couldn't even tell her about how my family is falling apart due to my father's affair, because I absolutely don't trust her, and I can't count on her support. She would just become judgmental, and continue talking about her guy problems, and how she's so "depressed" because of them. The problem is that she thinks we're the greatest best friends who have ever lived. I'm sorry this is such a long rant, but I don't know where else to turn for support.
So, my question is, how do I deal with my "best" friend?
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) who told me what was happening. I just let it go, and never say anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just a coward. I just have the feeling that someday I'll disappear for good from her. I'm already getting distant from her. But since me and my true bestie are mutual friends with her, I don't think I can break the tie completely.
