How do INFJs process emotions in long-term relationships?

[RestlessJohn]

Hey everyone, I’d love some insight from INFJs about something I’m struggling with. My wife is an INFJ, and we’ve been together for 15 years, but over the last 7+ years, we’ve both been emotionally checked out. We’ve stayed together largely for our children, but I recently had a very sudden change of heart and have been trying to reconnect with her and rebuild our relationship. However, she’s still very withdrawn and hasn’t given a clear answer about whether she wants to try or not. When I ask, she often goes quiet or cries, which makes it hard for me to understand where she really stands.
I’m an ENFP, so I express my emotions as soon as I feel them, but I realise she processes things very differently. The problem is, I’ve become desperate to get back to how things were before we had children, and I struggle with anxiety when I don’t get reassurance from her. I don’t want to push her, but I also feel stuck in limbo.
For those of you who are INFJs, how do you handle emotional overwhelm in relationships? If you’ve ever been in a situation like this, what helped you open up?

Thank you

 

[TomasM]

Like most types, INFJ's have a wide variance in their approach to life. As an INFJ male, I'd say I probably understand some other female types better than an INFJ female because she is considerably more complex.

Given that you are both NF's I suspect there is deep emotional pain within both of you and it is likely that you are both stepping on that pain and perpetually aggravating it. I have an acquaintance that is a PsyD and he has always said that couples only have one fight with different triggers that initiate it. I believe that if you are to get to the root of this problem then you must first understand the origin of both of your struggle (likely from the parental relationship and associated with not feeling safe; hence her crying and your anxiety).

You will have far more information to solve this problem than any of us and your understanding of each other will be incredibly important to finding a balance or common ground. The only way to achieve this is by opening up communication, letting down the walls, and having a large degree of empathy for the pain each suffers. With her being noncommittal, that tells me she does not feel safe enough to let you in to have a real discussion and that means you will have to convince her to go to a place where she does feel protected. Couples therapy is your best option IMO.

 

[RestlessJohn]

Thank you for your perspective—I really appreciate it. I think you're spot on about both of us having deep emotional pain that keeps getting triggered in different ways. I also find the idea that couples only have 'one fight' with different triggers really interesting. If I had to guess, I'd say our 'one fight' is probably about emotional safety—me feeling rejected and anxious when she withdraws, and her feeling overwhelmed or trapped when I seek reassurance.

I completely agree that communication and empathy are key. The hard part is that whenever I try to initiate deeper conversations, she often goes silent or cries.

When she does engage, she talks about her childhood, which was emotionally traumatic. I always listen, because any moment of openness makes me feel connected to her. But this is obviously trauma she has buried for years, and in turn, it makes me feel like I’m hurting her just by bringing things up.

I don’t want to push her, but she never mentions our relationship, and at the same time, I can’t keep living in limbo forever. I think you're right that she doesn’t feel safe enough to fully open up, and I’ve been trying to give her that space, but I also don’t know how long I can wait without some kind of engagement from her side.

I’ve read a bit about the INFJ ‘doorslam’—but we do still talk occasionally, just never about the future. When we do talk about the relationship, it’s always about the past and how we hurt each other, not where we go from here. Does this sound like a doorslam or just emotional disengagement, which we both did for many years?

Couples therapy is something I’ve suggested many times, but she refuses, saying she knows she needs to talk to someone, but is worried she would end up taking on the therapist’s pain. Do you have any thoughts on how I could approach that conversation in a way that doesn’t make her feel pressured?

 

[TomasM]

I don’t believe you’re going to convince her to do something she’s not interested in doing.

If you truly care about her and want her in your life as a friend or partner then you have to show her [with your actions and not your words] that you can be the man she needs (first) and wants (second). That’s a tough mountain to climb given the last 7+ years has been “emotionally checked out.”

My suggestion is to live your life independently and find your own content and happiness. This is the type of man that draws women into his life.

I suspect she’s crying because she feels she has to carry your emotional weight, by reassuring you, while keeping all of the other things moving forward in her life. Of course, she can’t say that because that would only make you angry, defensive and withdrawn.

There are no easy answers to this scenario, there is only the work that must be done. Take pride in your work and personal passions. Go to therapy yourself and see a doctor that might help you with your struggles. Eat healthy and exercise.

Work so much that when you get home you’re ready to crash as soon as your head hits the pillow. If your work is aligned with your passion then you will get up the next day excited and ready to continue your pursuit. If your work and passion isn’t aligned then find a way to start moving towards an alignment and during the interim enjoy the work through the relationships and by helping others.

Doing these things will result in a better life for you and the other things will naturally fall into place.

Above all, keep moving forward because living in the past creates a sedentary state that is akin to being stuck in quicksand.

 

[John K]

Hi @RestlessJohn and welcome to the forum.

I'm sure you appreciate that because you have only said a little about yourself and your wife any thoughts here are about INFJs in general, or about myself.

Something that INFJs do is internalise other people, particularly those close to us: we bring you inside us and relate to you there - in all your glory, but also faults and problems and all. It took me half a lifetime to learn how not to bring others in too far, and internalise their problems as well as my own, and it nearly broke me. We can easily get to the point where we can't separate our own problems from the other's. When we are young, we can feel unlimited internally and that we can cope with anything, but we are only finite like anyone else. We are even more prone to this when we are young adults if we have had emotional struggles because we feel and empathise deeply with the same in others quite instinctively.

It's a bit like when you pick up something that's hot, but not very - or something that's fairly heavy but not very. At first you can hold it OK, but it gets more and more uncomfortable until in the end you have to let go. You think it's OK, but eventually you find it's not. But when an INFJ gets into this situation with another's emotions it's a lot worse, because putting the burden down is a failure in several ways - because it means we risk having to face our own weakness, for example, but most seriously because it is letting the other person down so very badly, and this is a terrible thing for us to have to do. It's more serious than my words may seem to suggest, because we often become in our person an ongoing solution to another's problems - they rely on us to the extent that they may fall apart if we have to eject them from our inner selves.

It's doubly difficult when we have children, who we very much bring within ourselves, and who take up so much of our emotional energy. Do you have teenage children? - they are more demanding in this way at that age than at any other, and it can be hard and exhausting.

We INFJ folks have to learn the hard way how to deal with this - and sometimes that involves falling over an inner cliff that we weren't aware was there. We can have a breakdown at an extreme, or we can simply eject the other person from our lives and bring the shutters down. It's almost like pulling your hand away from a hot pan that you've grabbed by accident, or dropping something heavy that you realise has unexpectedly put your back out. Except that it feels like we've failed big time, even when that isn't our fault and not actually so, and it can be so hard for us to face that we can simply avoid it. And we can get stuck in an emotional doom loop, or just walk away.

So ..... what to do? You won't both be in the same situation as when I faced this in my 40s, and I'm the INFJ not my wife. Is it possible that you have been an emotional burden rather than a support for your wife for quite a time? She'll feel this even more as you try and mend the situation with ever increasing anxiety - she will be very aware of that anxiety most likely, and that will simply add to her emotional burden. She may even feel that you are looking for a rescue from her when she may not have the capacity to provide it.
But all of these are not hard suggestions - just possibilities.

What could help very possibly is for you to back off in the right kind of way and give her space - to be an emotional support rather than a burden. I have found myself that the way to love someone very close to us is not to bring them into our inner souls, and if we do, we may have to push them outside our innermost boundary to love them properly. That can feel to them like a rejection, but it's not - by analogy, it's like not being obliged to carry them physically on our shoulders everywhere, which of course is no good for the INFJ person or their partner. I must emphasise that this is an INFJ subjective view - the other (yourself for example) may well see things very differently, and the actual situation may be very different again.

Perhaps you could try wooing her all over again, and try and give rather than take from her - give in a way suited to her rather than you? As @TomasM suggests, a counselor may be a good help.

 

[RestlessJohn]

I don’t believe you’re going to convince her to do something she’s not interested in doing.

If you truly care about her and want her in your life as a friend or partner then you have to show her [with your actions and not your words] that you can be the man she needs (first) and wants (second). That’s a tough mountain to climb given the last 7+ years has been “emotionally checked out.”

My suggestion is to live your life independently and find your own content and happiness. This is the type of man that draws women into his life.

I suspect she’s crying because she feels she has to carry your emotional weight, by reassuring you, while keeping all of the other things moving forward in her life. Of course, she can’t say that because that would only make you angry, defensive and withdrawn.

There are no easy answers to this scenario, there is only the work that must be done. Take pride in your work and personal passions. Go to therapy yourself and see a doctor that might help you with your struggles. Eat healthy and exercise.

Work so much that when you get home you’re ready to crash as soon as your head hits the pillow. If your work is aligned with your passion then you will get up the next day excited and ready to continue your pursuit. If your work and passion isn’t aligned then find a way to start moving towards an alignment and during the interim enjoy the work through the relationships and by helping others.

Doing these things will result in a better life for you and the other things will naturally fall into place.

Above all, keep moving forward because living in the past creates a sedentary state that is akin to being stuck in quicksand.

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply—I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your perspective. My wife excitedly told me about five years ago that she was an INFJ, but at the time, I took little notice. Looking back now, I can see how much it meant to her to share that with me. Since my 'awakening' a few months ago, I’ve started to learn about MBTI and Enneagram, and it’s been truly enlightening to realise that I’m not the only one who is the way I am—scatty, lost in thought, and prone to extreme daydreams.

I can only imagine how she felt when she first discovered she wasn’t alone. Your responses, as well as the gentleman below (who I’ll reply to next), are so detailed and emotive. I had read that INFJs are deeply introspective, but the depth of your replies has really taken me aback. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.

I completely agree that I can’t convince her to do something she’s not interested in, and I’ve been reflecting a lot on how my emotional state might be affecting the dynamic between us. If she feels like she’s carrying my emotional weight, that’s definitely not what I want, and I recognise that it might be part of the reason she withdraws.

The idea of focusing on my own life, passions, and work makes complete sense, and I can see how that could naturally shift the dynamic. It’s difficult after years of feeling disconnected, but I know that staying stuck in the past isn’t going to fix anything. Therapy and self-care are things I’ve been considering more seriously, and I realise that my own emotional well-being has to come first, regardless of where my relationship ends up.

I suppose my biggest challenge is finding the balance between giving her space and still showing that I care. Have you ever been in a situation like this? How did you manage to rebuild emotional connection while still maintaining your own sense of purpose?

 

[RestlessJohn]

Hi @RestlessJohn and welcome to the forum.

I'm sure you appreciate that because you have only said a little about yourself and your wife any thoughts here are about INFJs in general, or about myself.

Something that INFJs do is internalise other people, particularly those close to us: we bring you inside us and relate to you there - in all your glory, but also faults and problems and all. It took me half a lifetime to learn how not to bring others in too far, and internalise their problems as well as my own, and it nearly broke me. We can easily get to the point where we can't separate our own problems from the other's. When we are young, we can feel unlimited internally and that we can cope with anything, but we are only finite like anyone else. We are even more prone to this when we are young adults if we have had emotional struggles because we feel and empathise deeply with the same in others quite instinctively.

It's a bit like when you pick up something that's hot, but not very - or something that's fairly heavy but not very. At first you can hold it OK, but it gets more and more uncomfortable until in the end you have to let go. You think it's OK, but eventually you find it's not. But when an INFJ gets into this situation with another's emotions it's a lot worse, because putting the burden down is a failure in several ways - because it means we risk having to face our own weakness, for example, but most seriously because it is letting the other person down so very badly, and this is a terrible thing for us to have to do. It's more serious than my words may seem to suggest, because we often become in our person an ongoing solution to another's problems - they rely on us to the extent that they may fall apart if we have to eject them from our inner selves.

It's doubly difficult when we have children, who we very much bring within ourselves, and who take up so much of our emotional energy. Do you have teenage children? - they are more demanding in this way at that age than at any other, and it can be hard and exhausting.

We INFJ folks have to learn the hard way how to deal with this - and sometimes that involves falling over an inner cliff that we weren't aware was there. We can have a breakdown at an extreme, or we can simply eject the other person from our lives and bring the shutters down. It's almost like pulling your hand away from a hot pan that you've grabbed by accident, or dropping something heavy that you realise has unexpectedly put your back out. Except that it feels like we've failed big time, even when that isn't our fault and not actually so, and it can be so hard for us to face that we can simply avoid it. And we can get stuck in an emotional doom loop, or just walk away.

So ..... what to do? You won't both be in the same situation as when I faced this in my 40s, and I'm the INFJ not my wife. Is it possible that you have been an emotional burden rather than a support for your wife for quite a time? She'll feel this even more as you try and mend the situation with ever increasing anxiety - she will be very aware of that anxiety most likely, and that will simply add to her emotional burden. She may even feel that you are looking for a rescue from her when she may not have the capacity to provide it.
But all of these are not hard suggestions - just possibilities.

What could help very possibly is for you to back off in the right kind of way and give her space - to be an emotional support rather than a burden. I have found myself that the way to love someone very close to us is not to bring them into our inner souls, and if we do, we may have to push them outside our innermost boundary to love them properly. That can feel to them like a rejection, but it's not - by analogy, it's like not being obliged to carry them physically on our shoulders everywhere, which of course is no good for the INFJ person or their partner. I must emphasise that this is an INFJ subjective view - the other (yourself for example) may well see things very differently, and the actual situation may be very different again.

Perhaps you could try wooing her all over again, and try and give rather than take from her - give in a way suited to her rather than you? As @TomasM suggests, a counselor may be a good help.

@John K ., a deep, heartfelt thank you. You have opened up so much of a world I never knew existed until a few months ago. You know, I used to look at my wife before my awakening and think I was with such a strong, together soul. When she opened up and told me about her excessive thinking and the trauma in her life, I was shocked beyond words and in awe of her strength. It only added to my urgency to get our relationship back to where we were before the children. Yes, we do have a pre-teen and a teenager, so there is a lot of emotion in our house, to say the least.


Your message helps me understand my wife’s perspective in a way I hadn’t even remotely considered before.
The idea that she may have been carrying my emotional weight, even without me realising it, really resonates. Looking back, I can see how she might have internalised my struggles, especially in the years when I was emotionally checked out, and now again as I try to reconnect. It makes sense that my anxiety about fixing things could feel like an additional burden to her, even though that’s not my intention. She told me that she can tell how much anxiety I have and what mood I’m in just from my text messages—I think we are both hyper-vigilant of each other. I used to think that when I shut down, I had done it alone. But now, I feel like I took her with me. Creating a downward spiral of both our beings.


I found your analogy about carrying someone physically on your shoulders powerful—it made me realise that I may have been leaning on her emotionally in a way that feels too heavy for her right now. The last thing I want is to make her feel trapped in a situation where she has no emotional space of her own.


The challenge I have now is figuring out how to step back in a way that gives her the space she needs while still showing that I care. I don’t want her to interpret my giving space as me withdrawing again like I did for years. Your suggestion of wooing her again, in a way that gives rather than takes, is something I will explore, and work on.


Have you ever been in a situation where you had to push someone outside your innermost boundary for your ownwell-being? If so, what helped you feel safe enough to let them back in?
With metta.

 

[TomasM]

Have you ever been in a situation like this?

Similar but not the same.

How did you manage to rebuild emotional connection while still maintaining your own sense of purpose?

Emotional connections are built over time and are aligned with trust and values. Individual purpose(s) are also aligned with your values personally. No two individual are the same in this regard, though there are similarities within a given culture.

Some questions you might reflect on could be:

Why do you want to reconnect when you have been disconnected emotionally for so long?

How will things be different then they have been over the the last 7 years?

Can trust be achieved to a level that is sustainable and what is the risk of harm in the event of a failure.

What will be the impact on the children?

These are the types of things that are discussed openly in therapy with a good couples counselor.

———

Emotions are important to varying degrees within a relationship but there are many other things that must be considered when making a good choice. Good choices generally require looking at the situation without emotions and that’s really difficult when there’s a long history.

When two people separate it generally means that something has breached the level of trust or values to where it is no longer tolerable. This is why I suggest some of the questions above. If the only driver of separation is emotions then the likelihood of a cohesive and balanced family seems highly improbable.

 

[sassafras]

Hey everyone, I’d love some insight from INFJs about something I’m struggling with. My wife is an INFJ, and we’ve been together for 15 years, but over the last 7+ years, we’ve both been emotionally checked out. We’ve stayed together largely for our children, but I recently had a very sudden change of heart and have been trying to reconnect with her and rebuild our relationship. However, she’s still very withdrawn and hasn’t given a clear answer about whether she wants to try or not. When I ask, she often goes quiet or cries, which makes it hard for me to understand where she really stands.
I’m an ENFP, so I express my emotions as soon as I feel them, but I realise she processes things very differently. The problem is, I’ve become desperate to get back to how things were before we had children, and I struggle with anxiety when I don’t get reassurance from her. I don’t want to push her, but I also feel stuck in limbo.
For those of you who are INFJs, how do you handle emotional overwhelm in relationships? If you’ve ever been in a situation like this, what helped you open up?

Thank you

Thank you for your perspective—I really appreciate it. I think you're spot on about both of us having deep emotional pain that keeps getting triggered in different ways. I also find the idea that couples only have 'one fight' with different triggers really interesting. If I had to guess, I'd say our 'one fight' is probably about emotional safety—me feeling rejected and anxious when she withdraws, and her feeling overwhelmed or trapped when I seek reassurance.

I completely agree that communication and empathy are key. The hard part is that whenever I try to initiate deeper conversations, she often goes silent or cries.

When she does engage, she talks about her childhood, which was emotionally traumatic. I always listen, because any moment of openness makes me feel connected to her. But this is obviously trauma she has buried for years, and in turn, it makes me feel like I’m hurting her just by bringing things up.

I don’t want to push her, but she never mentions our relationship, and at the same time, I can’t keep living in limbo forever. I think you're right that she doesn’t feel safe enough to fully open up, and I’ve been trying to give her that space, but I also don’t know how long I can wait without some kind of engagement from her side.

I’ve read a bit about the INFJ ‘doorslam’—but we do still talk occasionally, just never about the future. When we do talk about the relationship, it’s always about the past and how we hurt each other, not where we go from here. Does this sound like a doorslam or just emotional disengagement, which we both did for many years?

Couples therapy is something I’ve suggested many times, but she refuses, saying she knows she needs to talk to someone, but is worried she would end up taking on the therapist’s pain. Do you have any thoughts on how I could approach that conversation in a way that doesn’t make her feel pressured?

I completely agree that I can’t convince her to do something she’s not interested in, and I’ve been reflecting a lot on how my emotional state might be affecting the dynamic between us. If she feels like she’s carrying my emotional weight, that’s definitely not what I want, and I recognise that it might be part of the reason she withdraws.

The idea of focusing on my own life, passions, and work makes complete sense, and I can see how that could naturally shift the dynamic. It’s difficult after years of feeling disconnected, but I know that staying stuck in the past isn’t going to fix anything. Therapy and self-care are things I’ve been considering more seriously, and I realise that my own emotional well-being has to come first, regardless of where my relationship ends up.

I suppose my biggest challenge is finding the balance between giving her space and still showing that I care. Have you ever been in a situation like this? How did you manage to rebuild emotional connection while still maintaining your own sense of purpose?

Hello, it's been a while since I've been here, but I've read through this thread and this is my two cents on the matter.

Respectfully, I don't think you're going to get any insight into the situation by approaching this from a 'personality' angle. I say this, because doing so suggests you're dealing with someone who is on healthy, emotional footing and who hasn't detached from the partnership. Yes, different personality types have different ways of processing their emotions and some may take some time away from their partner to sort out what they're thinking and feeling but, regardless of their strategy, a healthy person will make an effort and come back to talk to you about it. Or at least, come back with a plan or decision to move forward -- even if it's unpleasant or difficult.

However, I think your situation is slightly more complicated than a simple misalignment in emotional processing.

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like you've had much of a relationship for many years. When someone says that they're staying together for the children, my immediate assumption is that the dynamic is more like co-parenting roommates. Which, even on the best of terms, can be extremely traumatic as the mind and body have to find some way to cope with the inevitable feelings of loss, betrayal and grief that come with the end of a marriage while still remaining in the marriage.

The roots of this kind of trauma can run very deep, especially if the struggle to emotionally detach was psychologically costly. When you further couple this with childhood emotional trauma, this can create a very ugly and serious wound. Your wife might've worked very hard to make peace with your relationship as it was, and contented herself with stuffing all her problems into the emotional closet as her chief coping mechanism (as indicated by her resistance to go to therapy, running away from difficult conversations, etc.) Now that you decided you want a marriage again, you're asking her to tear down all the walls she's carefully built up around herself and face the things that she's avoided for so many years just so that *you* can feel safe and secure. Even though that may have not been your intention, that can be extremely invalidating.

Furthermore, depending on just how 'sudden' this change of heart was and how it was communicated, it's also entirely possible she might mistrust it. Why the rush? Why now? What if this is transient? What if she puts in all the emotional work and opens up to you again only for things to fall apart once you 'win' her again? Staying detached by avoiding difficult emotional conversations and couples counselling may be a way to keep herself safe while she figures out where all this is coming from and if she can actually trust you.

Which brings me to ask - have you had a chance to process all this? By your own admission, you've been checked out of the marriage for seven years. That's a long time to grow apart and develop into different people. It's very unusual to make such a switch on a whim. If you haven't done so already, I think this is an important factor to explore for yourself. What exactly changed your mind? Have you fallen in love again? Or is something else at play?

I think taking things slow would be beneficial for both of you.

As for your wife, I agree with the other posters who suggested you focus on yourself and give her the space to figure out her own feelings and do your best to build up that sense of trust between the two of you. If she's running away and not wanting to confront things, just acknowledge that you understand just why things may be difficult for her and verbally reassure her that you're not going to rush anything, that you're going to give her some breathing room by doing your own thing. I also liked the idea of wooing her again. Revert back to the early days of dating again, where you're not asking for deep conversations, but maybe arranging a date once a week or surprising her with flowers. Not too much, too soon, but small little gestures that show her that you're thinking of her and that you're serious about this.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[John K]

@John K ., a deep, heartfelt thank you. You have opened up so much of a world I never knew existed until a few months ago. You know, I used to look at my wife before my awakening and think I was with such a strong, together soul. When she opened up and told me about her excessive thinking and the trauma in her life, I was shocked beyond words and in awe of her strength. It only added to my urgency to get our relationship back to where we were before the children. Yes, we do have a pre-teen and a teenager, so there is a lot of emotion in our house, to say the least.


Your message helps me understand my wife’s perspective in a way I hadn’t even remotely considered before.
The idea that she may have been carrying my emotional weight, even without me realising it, really resonates. Looking back, I can see how she might have internalised my struggles, especially in the years when I was emotionally checked out, and now again as I try to reconnect. It makes sense that my anxiety about fixing things could feel like an additional burden to her, even though that’s not my intention. She told me that she can tell how much anxiety I have and what mood I’m in just from my text messages—I think we are both hyper-vigilant of each other. I used to think that when I shut down, I had done it alone. But now, I feel like I took her with me. Creating a downward spiral of both our beings.


I found your analogy about carrying someone physically on your shoulders powerful—it made me realise that I may have been leaning on her emotionally in a way that feels too heavy for her right now. The last thing I want is to make her feel trapped in a situation where she has no emotional space of her own.


The challenge I have now is figuring out how to step back in a way that gives her the space she needs while still showing that I care. I don’t want her to interpret my giving space as me withdrawing again like I did for years. Your suggestion of wooing her again, in a way that gives rather than takes, is something I will explore, and work on.


Have you ever been in a situation where you had to push someone outside your innermost boundary for your ownwell-being? If so, what helped you feel safe enough to let them back in?
With metta.

Hi John,

I have had to push someone close to me outside that innermost boundary, but in very different circumstances to yours - my wife was suffering from a severe psychological illness. I didn't let her back within me in the same unconditional way - and that was very much better for both of us because it's a dangerous and silly thing to do. Only the other person can take the essential steps to healing in the end. And I had the children to take care of too. I changed the way I loved them all, made sure I was as stable as possible for them within, spat the devil in the eye, and slowly we climbed out of the pit. I took a wild gamble in doing it - it's only with hindsight I can see it clearly.

But I wouldn't want you to take what I said about INFJ inner life as anything other than some general ideas about how at least some INFJs relate to people very close to them, and myself as an example.

Some other thoughts .....

The foundations of a marriage in the early years lie in your mutual love, attraction and delight in each other, but for most couples this changes as the years go by, and as your children appear and grow. Of course, you are each sharing your love with your children too, but more than that, marriage becomes hard work. It is in these years that many couples find their very deepest lifetime love for each other - in the absolute trust and partnership that is the core of their family. It can be as though you become a single thing, not two separate people. It's no longer erotic love that's at your heart, but pure family love that you create and sustain through all the ups and downs of your life together. I don't mean you stop fancying each other, but this is no longer the only core and the heart of your relationship. This new kind of love is what many take forward as their foundation into later life - look at couples who have been happily married for 40 or 50 years to see what I mean.

In living emotionally apart for 7 years, the kind of love I am talking about cannot have developed as it would have done if all had been well. You are now both 7 years on with all the history that brings - it's almost half of your life as a couple. If all had been well, you would have grown together over that time like two trees that grow side by side - they shape themselves into each other and when you look at them from a bit of a distance they look like a single thing. They support each other immensely because of that and a copse of trees is far stronger than an isolated tree on its own. You and your wife must be lacking that seven years of growing together and shaping yourselves into each other - the way you describe it, it's as though you are just two people. My feeling is that you will have to deal with seven years' lost development of love, trust and emotional partnership in the sense I am talking about, as well as whether you could both still love each other like you used to. Whether you can make a go of it will depend amongst other things on whether you both have a willingness, and the inner resources to accept the risk involved - and that might be bound up with how many times over the years one or the other of you has taken that sort of risk and been let down by the other.

As a footnote - I have had to support someone whose parents broke up when she was in her teens. Some kids seem to cope well with divorce, but it blighted her life. Even if all you and your wife can do is give your kids a stable family life, and love under the same roof from both their mum and dad until they are grown up, that is a very precious gift - as long as you and your wife can do this well.