I am always trying to Figure people out...

[blueflame]

Hello everyone! I need help, I am trying to research certain behaviors of an individual but I don't have the words or concepts to research more about it. The individual about whom I am speaking is in my opinion, although they have claimed to not know their true self, knows but does not accept their true self and is therefore trying to "figure out a new one". More specifically I have noticed a coulpe things that made me come to that conclusion...am I close or correct so far?:

Supression of Identity
1. They are the type of person that you could describe as knowing what they do or look like but nothing about them in particular stands out. No matter how long you talk to them their answers are preconceived or generic.

Cognitive Dissonance
2. On more than one occasion the person has changed their thought proccess to justify an action incongruent with what they claim to believe so that they no longer feel bad about it. Which also supports my theory that they don't accept their identity because in order for the dissonance to occur there has to be conflict with a previously held belief that was not detected on the surface presented.

Pretense of friendship
3. Their so called friends, which they have a lot of, appear to be no more than several acquaintances that don't have close or intimate relationships to the individual (i.e. they worked with them before or met the individual at an event etc.) The individual doesn't seem to seek out friendships as much as establish associations to a group of people or person, which seem to specifically be people that are well favored by everyone else or someone the individual admires (compatibility and chemistry are insignificant). My assumption (or accusation if you will) is that the individual is hoping to use these relationships as a foot in the door to other social circles or even better, utilize associations to these people to change peoples perception of the individual.

Strong co-dependancy
4. With whom the individual does chose to have an intimate relationship (and there must always be one) with there seems to be an intense level of mimicry from clothing to hobbies and beliefs. Although the individual claims to be independent I believe they are mostly expressing a desire to be independent, because otherwise they seem very dependent to me, they are never alone because that would mean they cannot use someone elses indentity or lifestyle to hide behind.

Inferiority Complex
5. This individual has always been priviledged but seems to deliberatly self sabotage many aspects of their own life. They should be shown this thread on the guilt of being priviledged: http://forums.infjs.com/showthread.php?t=13806

Feel free to do something like this if you're curious about someone and post it

 

[Kavalan]

It is a possibility but there is also the choice that the reason they buried their "true" self has been so protracted that the lines have truly blurred and what is "them" and what they project become one and they honestly don't know who they are. I say this as I fall into this option. The preservation of the greater(physical) self superseded the(mental/personality) self that was kav.

I know not how you would go about addressing this if this is the case as I came to the realization on my own that i should do what is most comfortable for me which has been a amalgam of traits I've picked up. I still am very guarded as people have told me and has been elaborated on here somewhere... I hope this gives you an idea.

 

[blueflame]

One of the things that I am fixated on in particular is this whole maneuvering through social circles and assuming new identities. At some point in your life I would assume one would get sort of...tired? But also if you were to bring this up you would be met with outright denial and hostility. I am not sure if they are in denial or simply do not realize at this point that this is what they are doing. What exactly is the fascination with transformation?

 

[Kavalan]

One of the things that I am fixated on in particular is this whole maneuvering through social circles and assuming new identities. At some point in your life I would assume one would get sort of...tired?

My initial reason for moving through social groups was a form of self preservation as being able to move into a group to protect me from reprisals. In the end it became a game and I stopped because I got bored.

But also if you were to bring this up you would be met with outright denial and hostility.

I don't understand this phrase could you elaborate?

I am not sure if they are in denial or simply do not realize at this point that this is what they are doing. What exactly is the fascination with transformation?

In my time I met someone who did the same thing. He was jaded from people and did it to create friction and discord. I did it for protection and stability. Your guess is good as mine as to why your person of interest does this. I never dealt with being caught doing the social circle runaround so I can't speak on the hostility or denial. I just say they may not being hostile to keep their cover, but rather, may be trying to reorder themselves and it is not easy and is very frustrating.

 

[Milon]

One of the things that I am fixated on in particular is this whole maneuvering through social circles and assuming new identities. At some point in your life I would assume one would get sort of...tired? But also if you were to bring this up you would be met with outright denial and hostility. I am not sure if they are in denial or simply do not realize at this point that this is what they are doing. What exactly is the fascination with transformation?

I myself used to be described entirely by your opening post. I'm still working my way out of it. Like Kav said, I lost who I was. I'm still trying to find who I am. If you haven't seen it, check out my first blog. You'll find a lot of similarities there, I think. Not long before I joined the INFJ forum, I would have been in denial and would have argued. Circumstances conspired "against" me (thanks, God!) and my eyes were opened. Now I'm doing the hard work of recovering all that was lost. I think I can understand this person you're wondering about. And I think you're entirely correct.

 

[Trifoilum]

Ouch. It fits me, and some part of them still do, *looks at number 2* I think. Ouch. XD;;; Was somewhat like this; hoping someone else will save me and basically following that symptoms you described to a degree.
I think it's a great explanation. And I totally understand.

To a degree, we all want to grow out of our bad selves. Some want to change everything. I did that out of anxiety. Out of "OMG, if I don't do this and that, be friends with A and B, be someone like them, I WILL NEVER SUCCEED. If they hate me, if they decide to ruin my life, I'M DOOMED. *puts mask*". Then a feeling of "AAARGH ENOUGH OF THIS. I'm not doing it again. *puts on mask*"

At some point you just....like you said. ".....who AM I?"

This kind of person you described, however, They...seems to...practically hate their own self. If not for pure self-hate, then they're seeking advantages from 'being someone new'. I know someone like this, and it kinda..hurts. Because he don't know what they're running from, they think simply changing their entire lives will do.
*looks above*
wow. I feel fucked up Ahem, anyway.

One of the things that I am fixated on in particular is this whole maneuvering through social circles and assuming new identities. At some point in your life I would assume one would get sort of...tired? But also if you were to bring this up you would be met with outright denial and hostility. I am not sure if they are in denial or simply do not realize at this point that this is what they are doing. What exactly is the fascination with transformation?

assuming new identities is simple; you just want to fit in. This kind of people, however, wants to be fit in so much they practically willing to change anything, or even believing that kind of thing works. Also, they put an unhealthy expectation of 'saviors' to the group. That 'they might save me / make my life happy / make everything alright'. It might not be a huge amount, but it's there.

Also, they didn't see themselves as doing something bad. They thought of it as 'paving myself the road to success'; networking, they might have said. Making 'friends' just so they can help them.
In the end, they use their circles as protection. Not in terms of 'places to confide', but 'look, I am a member of X! (you can't hurt me anymore)'. The sad thing is they will practically do anything for them.

 

[blueflame]

Trifoilum & Milon, I never thought so many people actually resonated with the person in the post, this is interesting but talking to people such as yourself actually helps sheds some light on the situation seeing as how you've been in that position before.