[INFJ] I am an IFNJ and went on a date with another INFJ last week....

R

richdeniro

Four
MBTI
INFJ
Not really sure why I'm posting, guess because I am an INFJ and tend to overanalyse everything and wondered if anyone had experienced similar or just had some feedback.

I went on a date with someone from Bumble last week, we matched and immediately started chatting - I have that I am an INFJ written in my profile and she picked up on it and said she was herself, a few back and forth messages, swapping numbers and we arranged to meet up the very next evening - pretty spontaneous.

Giving a bit of info about myself, I have just turned 40, male and a quietly confident person. She was 34 and seemed fairly similar. I wasn't always this way but maybe it has come with age or just from working on myself I have gotten over my shyness and do feel I am a good catch. I go on a fair few dates and have had a few short lived relationships but guess I am still looking for a soulmate (not that I believe in soulmates but hopefully you know what I mean). My main problem being particularly on first dates is when I actually meet someone I really like I tend to become passive and receive the 'No chemistry/spark' text either after the date or the next day.

Anyway I arrived at the train station where we arranged to meet and she was stunning, I literally melted when we greeted each other. In those first couple of minutes where you make smalltalk whilst walking to the bar I knew I was going to be in trouble and this was going to be one of those once a year (if that...) type dates where you just fall immediately for them.

We get to the bar and talk for a few hours about lots of things - work, travel, family, politics, values, psychology, etc. I opened up about a lot of things that I wouldn't talk to someone about on the first date and felt she did the same. The entire date I was passive though - no flirting, no attempting to kiss or anything like that - I was just too nervous and didn't want to put her off. The layout of the bar didn't help as we were seated opposite each other rather than next to each other. I know from experience that if you don't flirt or kiss then 99% of the time you won't get a second date.

After a couple of drinks we made our way back to the station and said our farewells, hugged and I said to text me when she got home. Again being so passive I didn't go for the kiss and immediately regretted not trying.

Anyway, sure enough I get home and a little while later she texts me to tell me that she got home safely and that she'd had a lovely time, I messaged her back and said thanks for letting me know and to let me know if she wanted to do it again sometime. A few moments later and as expected I got a reply saying 'It felt more like a friend vibe tonight than other chemistry', that I was a lovely guy and she'd be happy to stay as friends. I was gutted obviously and told her that I need to get better at reading chemistry as I did fancy her and really wanted to have kissed her but that I wasn't really looking for a friend and thanked her for her honesty. She replied saying that she wished me all the best and we kind of just left it there.

I just feel gutted with myself for not trying to build a bit of attraction, I am always a bit nervous before a first date but when I meet someone who I guess would tick all my boxes then I just withdraw a bit and become so passive. When I meet someone who I am ambivalent about I usually end up kissing them fairly quickly and usually end up going on more dates or even more. I know I shouldn't be this gutted after a first date as truth be told I don't know anything about her and we could be completely incompatible but once in a blue moon someone does this to me on a first date and leaves me feeling like I've just broken up from a long term relationship.

I know I be fine in a few more days and will eventually forget her and the date but I guess from peoples experiences of being INFJ's or having dated them, should I give up all hope of her changing her mind and/or getting back in touch with me?

Thanks for reading.
 
I don't think you did anything wrong and seemed a perfect gentleman. Personally, I'd be weirded out by a guy who wanted to kiss me after one date (or meeting first time face to face from online). I don't think that's a requirement for having chemistry. If she told you it felt like a potential friendship I doubt that will change.
 
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I don't recommend trying to be her friend because when she finds some other man after you've invested time and effort into her you're going to be heartbroken.

It's happened to me, twice. Let her go, abandon hope of any kind of relationship with her.

Don't be disrespected.
 
Yes that’s exactly why I messaged her back and said that I wasn’t looking for a friend. I also wouldn’t want to be her friend whilst having an ulterior motive in that I’d secretly be hoping we’d get together.

Have also done the unrequited love thing many times and it always sucks.

I guess having never knowingly been on a date with an INFJ I just wondered (hoped) that perhaps she might might have got back in touch with me having thought about it. I guess that kind of thing only happens in the movies though :)
 
richdeniro said:
Yes that’s exactly why I messaged her back and said that I wasn’t looking for a friend. I also wouldn’t want to be her friend whilst having an ulterior motive in that I’d secretly be hoping we’d get together.

Have also done the unrequited love thing many times and it always sucks.

I guess having never knowingly been on a date with an INFJ I just wondered (hoped) that perhaps she might might have got back in touch with me having thought about it. I guess that kind of thing only happens in the movies though :)
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It's hard to abandon those gentlemanly instincts you have but like you, I'm starting to learn that romance is often not a moral affair. In fact, it often doesn't pay to be nice.

Don't save her, she don't wanna be saved.
 
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Let me tell you what will happen if you keep talking to her. She will be warm and friendly. Then be distant for awhile, then warm. She will hang out with you again, you will feel hopeful, she will be distant. She will end up using you and your crush on her as a crutch while she dates other men. She will run to you as a warm hug when she feels discouraged by other men. She may or may not be aware of this. But it is typical.

I’ve had dates like that- gutted for no great reason or based on reality. You are mourning the potential you felt, not her. Go on other dates- forget her.
 
I think you just pray that you accidentally bump into each other in a circumstance that would let her see you in a different light. Then, that'd be fate. If fate is not true, then the chances for love to blossom here is minimal. Ah it sucks.

I think she may not have found you attractive enough while you think the opposite. I would say be friends then but since there's already a premise for you,it's better not to be.

I'm sorry, Sir.
 
My experience with online dating has not been positive and I don't recommend it. The way that it unfolds is inorganic and leads to strange expectations. The only successful dates I've been on have been with people I met in the real world.

One other thing about dating is I learned is that if you're going to date you have to build up resilience. Some people find compatibility easily and it's usually because their personality is such that they relate to more types of people. I'm different than most people, and hard to connect with people on a way that I feel understood which is important in a romantic relationship, so I know that this cuts down my dating pool substantially.

You have to think: the type of person I'm looking for, where would they be? I'm not saying hit on everyone you see at the library, but if you can form organic friendships with people who have similar interests and hobbies by taking classes or going to places/events that you might encounter these people it will expand your pool, even indirectly. Maybe you meet someone and become really good friends and they introduce you to a friend they have and you just hit it off. See what I'm saying?

But to find the person, 99% of the time you will strike out. You will only find the person 1%. It's exhausting and I decided to quit dating because I wanted to focus on myself and my hobbies. That too; if you follow your passions you might find somebody. It's less likely because you're not actively looking, though.

Anyway I get how frustrating it is. You'll be okay though. The only way you won't find someone for sure is if you stop looking. Looking doesn't mean you'll find someone but it increases your chances!
 
been there. . it's not going to happen so accept it and move on. just because you connected on a certain level it does not follow that the connection is a love level. . .leave the door open if you choose to, but don''t wait for her to walk through it
 
Things I find fascinating about this date because you're both, presumably, INFJs:

– Perhaps you are attracted to people who share similar traits with you.
– Perhaps she is not attracted to people who are too much like her.
– Perhaps she is attracted to people whose personalities create more tension with her personality. This is pretty common, especially with younger people because that tension can be thrilling. In contrast, a fellow INFJ would be comfortable, like a friend.
– INFJs don't typically open up easily with strangers. When INFJs open up, it is because they feel a connection and want to bond. They typically want long-term friendships/relationships when they open up to others. The fact that she opened up so easily, and said she doesn't usually do so on first dates, but doesn't want to keep the potential relationship going is... well... strange. It doesn't add up to me.
– In contrast, you opened up, bonded, and want to keep this new bond going.
– Maybe she is really the type who feels comfortable unloading on strangers and that's just her habit (even though she said differently). A lot of people feel more comfortable talking to strangers than people they have close ties with. (We're on a forum where people do exactly that. Haha.)
– Even though it sounds like you two hit it off, she's probably looking for something specific that you lacked. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her expectations and fantasies.
– Being pushier about making a physical move may not have made a difference. Many women have decided if they'll kiss a man or have sex with him long before he tries anything. Sure, sometimes we change our minds, but I'm just saying....

A little advice:
– Don't invite her to ask you on a second date, just ask her on a second date. Be direct. You may not want to hear the answer, "No," but it gets it over with. Also, by being direct, especially by knowing where you want to take her when you ask (have a second date that fits her interests in mind), she is more likely to agree to give you another shot.

– Instead of saying you don't want to be friends, give a soft out by thanking her for the date or telling her you enjoyed getting to know her, and tell her to call/text if she changes her mind. Saying you don't want to be friends makes it sound like rejection, and it sound like you don't like her enough as a person to have her in your life. That is not sexy to hear. Of course, don't try to be friends, either. That would be an uncomfortable position for you to be in and you'd be open to false hope, hurt feelings, and manipulation. Just enough so you don't sound desperate, but would invite her call/text. ;)
 
richdeniro said:
Thank you so much, that’s amazing insight and advice! Although now I’m regretting not saying to let me know if she changes her mind:smile:
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You'll meet someone else. You sound like a well-adjusted person with confidence, but you're not "egotistical". It's her loss. I just hope the experience doesn't make you jaded before you meet someone.
 
richdeniro said:
Not really sure why I'm posting, guess because I am an INFJ and tend to overanalyse everything and wondered if anyone had experienced similar or just had some feedback.

I went on a date with someone from Bumble last week, we matched and immediately started chatting - I have that I am an INFJ written in my profile and she picked up on it and said she was herself, a few back and forth messages, swapping numbers and we arranged to meet up the very next evening - pretty spontaneous.

Giving a bit of info about myself, I have just turned 40, male and a quietly confident person. She was 34 and seemed fairly similar. I wasn't always this way but maybe it has come with age or just from working on myself I have gotten over my shyness and do feel I am a good catch. I go on a fair few dates and have had a few short lived relationships but guess I am still looking for a soulmate (not that I believe in soulmates but hopefully you know what I mean). My main problem being particularly on first dates is when I actually meet someone I really like I tend to become passive and receive the 'No chemistry/spark' text either after the date or the next day.

Anyway I arrived at the train station where we arranged to meet and she was stunning, I literally melted when we greeted each other. In those first couple of minutes where you make smalltalk whilst walking to the bar I knew I was going to be in trouble and this was going to be one of those once a year (if that...) type dates where you just fall immediately for them.

We get to the bar and talk for a few hours about lots of things - work, travel, family, politics, values, psychology, etc. I opened up about a lot of things that I wouldn't talk to someone about on the first date and felt she did the same. The entire date I was passive though - no flirting, no attempting to kiss or anything like that - I was just too nervous and didn't want to put her off. The layout of the bar didn't help as we were seated opposite each other rather than next to each other. I know from experience that if you don't flirt or kiss then 99% of the time you won't get a second date.

After a couple of drinks we made our way back to the station and said our farewells, hugged and I said to text me when she got home. Again being so passive I didn't go for the kiss and immediately regretted not trying.

Anyway, sure enough I get home and a little while later she texts me to tell me that she got home safely and that she'd had a lovely time, I messaged her back and said thanks for letting me know and to let me know if she wanted to do it again sometime. A few moments later and as expected I got a reply saying 'It felt more like a friend vibe tonight than other chemistry', that I was a lovely guy and she'd be happy to stay as friends. I was gutted obviously and told her that I need to get better at reading chemistry as I did fancy her and really wanted to have kissed her but that I wasn't really looking for a friend and thanked her for her honesty. She replied saying that she wished me all the best and we kind of just left it there.

I just feel gutted with myself for not trying to build a bit of attraction, I am always a bit nervous before a first date but when I meet someone who I guess would tick all my boxes then I just withdraw a bit and become so passive. When I meet someone who I am ambivalent about I usually end up kissing them fairly quickly and usually end up going on more dates or even more. I know I shouldn't be this gutted after a first date as truth be told I don't know anything about her and we could be completely incompatible but once in a blue moon someone does this to me on a first date and leaves me feeling like I've just broken up from a long term relationship.

I know I be fine in a few more days and will eventually forget her and the date but I guess from peoples experiences of being INFJ's or having dated them, should I give up all hope of her changing her mind and/or getting back in touch with me?

Thanks for reading.
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Hello,

Even though this is an old thread reading it I felt I should reply as I’ve had a somewhat similar recent thing happen to me.

It is amazing when you connect with someone on that level and yes it does feel like an end of a relationship, as the connection is so rare, dare I say almost sent from ‘elsewhere’.

If you didn’t contact her and she still crosses your mind send her a text - walked past the bar we had drinks at and thought of you, hope you’re doing well.

It’s a shame people seem to make up their minds straight away after a first date it usually takes longer to get to know someone.
 
thbxhs said:
You are mourning the potential you felt, not her. Go on other dates- forget her.
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I feel like this happens to me often as an INFJ. I try to plan the future with this person I'm seeing in mind. When it ends I'm left with all those thoughts of what could have been.
 
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