I fear that I come across as too intense

[Artemisia]

and self-assured! I have a lot of belief in myself but am by no means arrogant, knowing and acknowledging my limitations and things that I do not know. Yet, as a female, I feel like I tend to intimidate most people with my intensity and assuredness.
I am not talking about romantic relationships here since I am in a loving, long-term relationship with an INFP man who adores me. Yet, I have been told by him and several of my friends that I can be intimidating and opinionated.
I am wondering if this is an INFJ trait, a strong J, or if it is simply society not being used to women being sure of themselves and being passionate in what they do? I am trying to tone it down a bit but it usually comes off as fake.

 

[Ginny]

Assuredness is rare, even less so that self-assured people are right. Often people are intimidated by people who are sure of themselves because they fear to be regarded as weak for their insecurities. Other times, it is people who tell truths that they don't to hear/face which result in intimidation.

I don't think it matters whether it is a common trait or not, it is an admirable trait in itself, so long as you don't forget that you are capable of being wrong as well and allow others to be too. This realisation is usually humbling enough to not be regarded as aloof or any such thing.

Intensity is more common, I think, but equally, there is nothing wrong with it when it is balanced.

 

[Pin]

I am the exact same way. My way of dealing with this is to talk less about myself because... I only have nice things to say about me.

 

[JennyDaniella]

Intimidating, yes. Opinionated, depends.

Been told I am quite intimidating and stubborn, but not opinionated—maybe more convicted to a fault. I am resolute about my convictions and what I believe is highly moral and right; which can seem a bit of a surprise to others who don’t know me too well since I am usually a laid-back and easy going gal. But if I am passionate about an ethical subject or some other matter, I can be hard-headed and stubborn and will stand my ground. I will need a lot of convincing, evidence and logic for someone to change my opinion. It’s that Ni I suppose.

General trait is that INFJs are also intense people due to our observing nature and want to deeply know people; layer by layer like an onion which can be threatening to some people who are private. Also, some INFJs can appear aloof and cold, aka “ the bitch face” which I am completely guilty of and I try my utter best to not look like I am always pissed off and want to murder someone, but I can’t help it.

We are highly intuitive and great judgers of character. We are not easily placed by others and that can cause others to see us differently and intriguing, and to some—intimidating.

But I will also say is that not every INFJ is truly the same. We have our own unique traits.

 

[Wyote]

I've also been accused of being too intense, which is hilarious because I'm literally the most harmless person.

You're fine until you cross the border into obstinate and aggressive land. Which is easier to fall into if you're walking the line.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I am not talking about romantic relationships here since I am in a loving, long-term relationship with an INFP man who adores me

That's an interesting way of describing your relationship... do you adore him, too?

I think it's a worthy endeavour to try to temper your affect if you're intimidating people unintentionally and things like this.

I worry about this to some extent, too: I'm concerned that my determination and confidence could be taken as arrogance or pride, though to be honest this is a very small concern in real life. I'm trying to focus the 'pride' in my self-conception in a healthy way - to acknowledge its benefits and temper its disbenefits.

The key is to be comfortable with yourself in the sense of not needing validation from anybody.

If you're serious about this, I would ask yourself if you need or seek validation for your positive qualities like intelligence, intensity, confidence, &c., because this subconscious motivation might be colouring your interactions with people in antisocial ways.

What is your customary reaction when challenged? Anger and defensiveness? Or do you consider the critique seriously? Sonething else? I think this may indicate something of the level of security you have with your own sense of self.

 

[Asa]

Yes, @Artemisia, you are intense. I thought this was your MO.

 

[David Nelson]

Sounds like typical INFJ traits. We always look for depth, and can throw others when we go deep despite hardly knowing them lol, but sometimes we get others unloading on us because we are good, empathetic listeners.