Infj Discipline

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grapefruit

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Every personality type parenting article has suggestions for disciplining children of different personality types except for the ones written about Infj children. I'm definitely an Infj, but I was not the easy complacent child the articles describe. I was very articulate, serious, under-exulted, had irrational fears, was very set in my beliefs, and felt an aversion to those who did not comply to my extremely high moral standards, listening to the radio and reading late being the main skeletons in my closet. I still resent the ways my parents disciplined me which included the usual spanking, grounding, and telling me off in public. These strategies weren't effective because they just made me want to practice the offending method more. It is said that what goes around comes around, which means that I could end up with a child like myself one day. How typical of an Infj child was I based on my description? What strategies can work for dealing with a strong willed, complex child who will obtain the best kind of revenge (creative reciprocation) when relentlessly provoked? I have really thought about this and though I resent the discipline methods used on me as a child, I can't think of any alternatives.
 
niffer said:
You can't think of alternatives to the discipline methods used on you?
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That's right. Note that I consider taking things away and exclusion from activities through time out or other such mild incarceration to be forms of grounding. Also, I do not respond well to screaming and yelling. I don't know why, but it seems like the Intj is the only one who can have angry outbursts and get a response. There is something about them that makes me feel really bad and remorseful for making them upset, even if they have misinterpreted the situation or accidentally put an unfair or overly critical spin on things. I mostly want to please others, but that isn't the same as wanting to obey them.
 
My 3 year old son has a wonderful strong independedent mind and I find the best way to deal with discipline is to calmly tell him not to do what it is he's doing and put him in time out (1 min per year) then when time out is up I explain again very briefly why he was put in time out and that's the end of it. At first I had to put him back in time out repeatedly but now I can just say "If you don't stop you're going to time out" and it works. Losing one's temper is the worst thing to do as it would only make it worse. It's just a matter of fact kind of a thing: You do something you're not allowed to do you will find yourself in time out. :) It's good to remember not to put him in there unfairly though. I also apologize if I'm being unfair so he'll not think it's ok for people to treat him unjustly. At first I went with really lax discipline but that didn't work because I think it makes the child think you're unsure of what the boundaries are yourself and it doesn't give a child a feeling of being safe. For me the consistent cool time out thing works for his age (3) very well.

Edit: I just wanted to add that I was never disciplined other than the occasional "Go to your room" but someone who sits in much of the time reading encyclopedias for fun doesn't really need a lot of disciplining... ;D
 
I had the usual discipline as a child ... time out, grounding, removal of certain privileges and having to earn them back with good behavior. I feared disappointing my parents.

I typically apply the same method of discipline with my children, but they each get a different method of discipline because I have to do something that gets the point across depending on the severity of the "crime". For the most part, removal of privileges and earning them back works very well. For pestering me about an issue continually (after I have said NO), they get a warning and then it is 5 minutes earlier to bed each time they ask. I will tell them to "go to their room!" if they did something that makes me angry (only to separate myself and cool off.) I'm not a "my way or the highway" parent, I listen to what my kids have to say and I believe I am fair (if they aren't lying.)

Studies show that children who are disciplined properly have better self control and decision making skills later in life. They learn how to respect boundaries of other people. They are not old enough to think rationally through many issues that come up. I think of all the kids out there who don't get the discipline they deserve. They grow up to be pain in the ass adults that won't take NO for an answer.

You may resent your discipline now, but all kids will blame their parents for "ruining" something in their life. I did just this, but then had much more respect for them after having my own children. You don't understand what it is like to be a parent/caregiver until you ARE one.
My kids are well behaved and happy, except for the sibling rivalry ... and my ENFP son who gets in trouble for talking too much in class. lol

If you are over the age of 18, my advice to you is to quit whining.
 
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I didn't begin as a compliant child -- when I was VERY young I could be a little devil at at times. But as a teenager I was easy. I delayed my rebellion until I was 18, THEN went bananas at college. lol

The one thing I would say is that sending me to my room was always the punishment I dreaded because it lasted a long time. I didn't like the bad feeling that things were no okay between me and the family. I prefered to have things worked out right away so that we could go back to normal. My father always gave me the choice: spanking or time out in my room, and I chose spanking every time. Five seconds and then everyone was back on good terms again.
 
My father was as reliable as the physical laws when it came to discipline.

When I misbehaved - I knew what kind of punishment was coming in advance. Sometimes, when I had lost control of my temper and had said/done something rude I would go to the lounge and position myself ready for a spanking.

I liked how predictable it was: it made it seem fair - if I was rude, I was spanked: so the decision as to whether I was ever spanked was always in my court.
 
It seems that sending an INFJ to their room is more of a reward than a punishment. I too was strong-willed as a child and adolescent and have trouble imagining what might have worked for me. Not an easy question - especially as parenting is one of those best laid plans activities.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
My father was as reliable as the physical laws when it came to discipline.

When I misbehaved - I knew what kind of punishment was coming in advance. Sometimes, when I had lost control of my temper and had said/done something rude I would go to the lounge and position myself ready for a spanking.

I liked how predictable it was: it made it seem fair - if I was rude, I was spanked: so the decision as to whether I was ever spanked was always in my court.
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Pretty much this.
 
Your description of your childhood resonates with my own experience in both your presentation and your parents' methods of discipline. Throw in some regular verbal degradation to the spankings and loud public scoldings and that would summarize my situation well. I also responded similarly, in that I tended to feel somewhat vengeful, and as a result, engaged in covert antisocial behaviors.

I think what would have been a helpful alternative to the form of discipline I received, would be to be given explanations as to why my behavior was problematic, and why I should subscribe to an alternative behavior suggested by my parents. My household was pretty authoritarian in the sense that it was thought that no justification for rules was necessary or useful; the "because I said so" argument, more or less, which came across to me as very arbitrary. More positive reinforcement for good behavior (as opposed to largely receiving punishments for poor behavior) would also have been useful, if the literature on the subject matter says anything. As for punishment, a privilege-based system (i.e. removal of privileges due to poor behavior) was less provocative of resentment and aggression on my part.
 
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