[INFJ] INFJ men...

[Pyrrhula]

What are you thinking in the early stages of dating? I guess it depends on your level of interest - Let's say you're interested! It's been a couple of weeks since messaging began. You've met with the girl once and liked her. You're continuing to send messages (with the little "X" at the end of each one) and receive them, and have arranged a second date. There has been no physical contact as of yet, apart from an awkward hug.

What exactly would be going through your mind at this point? What are you hoping to happen on the second date? What don't you want to happen? What will you be looking out for on a second date? Will you be nervous? etc., etc.

 

[KorJax]

This really depends on what stage of life I'm in, haha

Right now? Cautious optimism. I'm an optimist at heart, to a fault. If the first date was really casual, I might be interested in seeing how far the second goes, but ultimately be comfortable with another casual date. Likely more nervous on the 2nd, because I feel like I have something at stake this time and don't want the 2nd date to be disappointing compared to the first. I'm probably really into you at this point but trying to keep distance. Sadly a little tiny part of me relishes in the fairy tale dream of love at first sight, and being whisked away to the most romantic evening possible. But in my experience that isn't something that is realistic or even desirable to shoot for, for someone who you really want to actually connect with.

At the same time, the idea of going on dates period right now sounds really unappealing. I'd much rather just get to know you as a friend for a long time to the point where a date would almost seem redundant. Where the date is just a fun casual formality to establish increased interest rather than me trying to actually "date" you, if that makes any sense.

Earlier me, I'd be scary all in by the 2nd date. If it didn't turn out the way I idealized or if I felt like I made a bad impression it would completely tear into me for a while.

 

[brightmoon]

Ok lets take a crack at this

What exactly would be going through your mind at this point? I am probably trying to figure out if she liked me back or she is as interested in me as I am in her.

What are you hoping to happen on the second date? Some sort of connection, reciprocating interest.

What don't you want to happen? Rejection, awkwardness. Outright rejection is likely better than awkwardness because then you can move on. Remember most men aren't very good at picking up subtleties, if you are interested you have to make obvious.

What will you be looking out for on a second date? Signs of interest, compatibility

Will you be nervous? etc., etc. Oh yeah probably, always nervous around girls, especially the ones I was really interested in...

 

[Pyrrhula]

This really depends on what stage of life I'm in, haha

Right now? Cautious optimism. I'm an optimist at heart, to a fault. If the first date was really casual, I might be interested in seeing how far the second goes, but ultimately be comfortable with another casual date. Likely more nervous on the 2nd, because I feel like I have something at stake this time and don't want the 2nd date to be disappointing compared to the first. I'm probably really into you at this point but trying to keep distance. Sadly a little tiny part of me relishes in the fairy tale dream of love at first sight, and being whisked away to the most romantic evening possible. But in my experience that isn't something that is realistic or even desirable to shoot for, for someone who you really want to actually connect with.

Earlier me, I'd be scary all in by the 2nd date. If it didn't turn out the way I idealized or if I felt like I made a bad impression it would completely tear into me for a while.

The first date was very casual - drinks in a cafe. Yes, I'm beginning to feel quite nervous about it, as I've grown to like him more still since the first date. We've been in touch at regular intervals every day.

What don't you want to happen? Rejection, awkwardness. Outright rejection is likely better than awkwardness because then you can move on. Remember most men aren't very good at picking up subtleties, if you are interested you have to make obvious.

Wouldn't awkwardness be better? As it could signal that you both just like each other a lot and are nervous.


I should also add that earlier today we were sending messages and one of mine got lost in translation. He asked me if I was meeting anyone else, so I said "no" but didn't ask him what he was doing. I actually don't believe there are any rules at this stage, however, I prefer to just date one guy at a time. He then told me he wasn't either. It seems weird to have cleared this up so early - almost as if we're exclusive but barely know each other. It is a relief to not have to worry about it though! My feelings don't feel like they are so much at risk.

 

[brightmoon]

Maybe awkwardness would be better, I don't know. Exclusivity is likely a trait of many INFJ men. No fooling around, the relationship is either there or it isn't

 

[Wyote]

"How do I figure out if this person is a good life partner without totally weirding them out"

"Don't fuck this up"

"Be cool. Holy shit I hope they don't figure out how uncool I am"

"I hope they don't do anything weird"

 

[dang]

I can give you the reverse perspective. I am an infj male who just met an infj female. My approach is to be very honest and direct. No guessing or game playing. I have to be myself even if it comes across as being strange or overly intense. I think all infjs like to know where they stand and be on the same page. Remember the things you are feeling are probably similar to the way he feels. I have already sent a very open intense emotional email to the girl I met. It was almost like a test. I thought it would scare her away but it didn't. I am not good at playing it cool. When it comes to dating I am very ambivalent about pace. Part of me wants to connect hard and fast and become best friends and lovers immediately. Another part of me wants to take it really slow in order to feel safe and to build trust. These contradictory impulses cause anxiety and make it hard to be chill. It is impossible to jump into a relationship and to take it slow at the same time obviously. You are both better off keeping it platonic and trying to develop a friendship. Plus infjs are very future oriented so try to stay in the present rather than planning your wedding. I think when the time is right tell him exactly what you are thinking and feeling. I think it will be a relief. Say that part of you is very impatient, but you know it is in your best interest to take it slow. If you are truly compatible being honest and open and vulnerable will not scare him away. If you are just being authentic, and you do freak him out, you never would have had a future anyway. So try to find that balance between being in the moment and conveying your concerns. Monogamy should be important to both of you so that is alright to discuss. I myself wouldn't feel comfortable going out with a girl who was seeing other guys. That's just the way I am. Dating is challenging for everyone, but especially for conflicted infjs. If you want to get married and have children that is something to discuss early on. Otherwise you are wasting your time. You don't want to date a guy for a year and then find out he hates kids. You have to be assertive and up front. Glad you are taking risks. I think two infjs can be very compatible. You share similar (strange) styles and can relate to one another. Ultimately infjs are seeking a deep connection. So remember you are both in the same boat and you don't really have to worry about him being a player. Good luck. Maybe your infj duo experiment could pay off. But remember it is about the journey, not the destination.

 

[Ryso89]

Haven't dated in forever, no desire to. Too much frustration in the past, most girls are disingenuous, narcissistic, and unintelligent. I am also addicted to personal growth and have been for several years. When I meet someone whose perceptions are very limited in comparison to mine, I have a hard time wanting to further engage with the person, simply because I feel subconsciously that devoting myself to someone who has not grown to a point that I can relate on a deep level to is (to me) an insult to my path.

I would love to date a nice girl, but I'm also extremely busy with my passions to devote time to even try to so much as LOOK for someone right now. It's a wrong time and place ordeal for me. I have a hard time balancing my passions with my job, let alone dating. I'm also a bit jaded, which probably doesn't help. Perfectionism is also a factor in this game. When I put too much on my plate, especially socially, (has happened frequently with dating) I want to shut down, shut everyone out, and disappear for days with no communication. I'm quite frankly tired of explaining my introverted behavior to people, or even so much as feeling the very need to.

 

[Persona]

Haven't dated in forever, no desire to. Too much frustration in the past, most girls are disingenuous, narcissistic, and unintelligent. I am also addicted to personal growth and have been for several years. When I meet someone whose perceptions are very limited in comparison to mine, I have a hard time wanting to further engage with the person, simply because I feel subconsciously that devoting myself to someone who has not grown to a point that I can relate on a deep level to is (to me) an insult to my path.

I would love to date a nice girl, but I'm also extremely busy with my passions to devote time to even try to so much as LOOK for someone right now. It's a wrong time and place ordeal for me. I have a hard time balancing my passions with my job, let alone dating. I'm also a bit jaded, which probably doesn't help. Perfectionism is also a factor in this game. When I put too much on my plate, especially socially, (has happened frequently with dating) I want to shut down, shut everyone out, and disappear for days with no communication. I'm quite frankly tired of explaining my introverted behavior to people, or even so much as feeling the very need to.

This about defines my mindset sometimes, especially adding people to my path who have a less devoted mindset. I'm trying to expand my consciousness to a deeper level, not degrade it. Also the part about women nowadays can seem to be very true. I'd love to have a great enigma being formed with me and that special someone, but not when I feel like there won't be a challenge to keep me expanding, or us.

 

[Artisan]

What are you thinking in the early stages of dating? I guess it depends on your level of interest - Let's say you're interested! It's been a couple of weeks since messaging began. You've met with the girl once and liked her. You're continuing to send messages (with the little "X" at the end of each one) and receive them, and have arranged a second date. There has been no physical contact as of yet, apart from an awkward hug.

What exactly would be going through your mind at this point?

I like her but I got no idea how to do this, I think other guys would have had a kiss already by this point... ah god she must think I am totally awkward >.> Pfff ok keep it together dude, don't fuck this up, shes still texting me back, its not a total loss yet.

What are you hoping to happen on the second date?

Affirmation that despite my inexperience at this kind of thing, that I am liked.
The girl meeting me half way so I don't completely screw it all up by not knowing how to do this.
Possibly a good kiss if she really likes me, or a non akward hug if she does like me but wants to take it real slow or is still unsure about me.

What don't you want to happen?

another akward hug, it has to be a non akward one this time.

What will you be looking out for on a second date?

Signs that she likes me for who I am and wants to continue dating me.
Signs of being romantically attracted to me.
Signs that shes willing to meet me halfway so its not all up to me and I know for sure the interest is mutual and im not just being used.

Will you be nervous? etc., etc.

I'd be nervous as hell. Hopefull that It will work out yet weary that I'm not experienced enough at this to stand a real chance. Even though its the second date.

 

[Pyrrhula]

"Be cool. Holy shit I hope they don't figure out how uncool I am"

"I hope they don't do anything weird"

Haha... I'll definitely be thinking both of these!

Part of me wants to connect hard and fast and become best friends and lovers immediately. Another part of me wants to take it really slow in order to feel safe and to build trust. These contradictory impulses cause anxiety and make it hard to be chill.

Yes, this is how I feel too. I have an internal conflict going on right now. I find the early stages of a relationship difficult and uncomfortable, and feel that I want to just skip them. Part of me wants to jump straight in the deep end, get as close to him as possible and seal the deal. This part of me, I now know, is impatient and insecure. The other realises that I have only known him for a couple of weeks and I can't possibly have any real feelings for him yet. This part of me is rational, and if I listen to it, it will probably save me from disaster. It might even ensure that I give this situation the best chance. At the very least, it will ensure that I will experience the most sensible outcome.

so try to stay in the present rather than planning your wedding.

I hadn't thought of that until you mentioned it!! :mmph:

but you know it is in your best interest to take it slow. If you are truly compatible being honest and open and vulnerable will not scare him away. If you are just being authentic, and you do freak him out, you never would have had a future anyway.

If the conversation goes that way, I'm going to tell him what I consider to be healthy. I won't be telling him how I feel, exactly. I'll tell him I like him a lot, however, I think it's enough for him to know that I'm interested and that I'm behaving in a way that I believe is healthy. Then he'll know I want it to go well. Leaving a bit of mystery is also good.

If you want to get married and have children that is something to discuss early on.

Not this early on. My reason for this is that I am 5 years older than him and I'm worried he'll immediately think I'm desperate and want to rush getting married and having kids. However, if he really thought about this, he'd realise that I'm clearly not the type to rush these things or jump into it with the wrong person.

you don't really have to worry about him being a player. Good luck. Maybe your infj duo experiment could pay off. But remember it is about the journey, not the destination.

This would be nice, after my INTJ ordeal. Thanks! You too

 

[Pyrrhula]

most girls are disingenuous, narcissistic, and unintelligent.

Hmmm... well, I am a little concerned that this guy wants someone who is perfect and has unrealistic expectations. I felt this because he told me hasn't met many girls and that he is picky. I'm hoping that this isn't the case and that it's just his INFJ-ness (wanting something real and a deep connection)!

I am also addicted to personal growth and have been for several years. When I meet someone whose perceptions are very limited in comparison to mine, I have a hard time wanting to further engage with the person, simply because I feel subconsciously that devoting myself to someone who has not grown to a point that I can relate on a deep level to is (to me) an insult to my path.

I have developed spiritually over the last few years and I have met guys on the same path. One guy seemed perfect and was way beyond me in that respect (he was Greek!). However, i got bored of the serious discussions and I just wasn't feeling it for him. I don't think this current guy is spiritual in any way. Although he mentioned that he does yoga....?!

 

[Pyrrhula]

I like her but I got no idea how to do this, I think other guys would have had a kiss already by this point...

Ok.... so what is the deal with the first kiss??? I decided a couple of years ago that I never wanted to kiss anyone on a first date again. I just feel that it's insincere. I don't feel like I know someone well enough after a few hours, to exchange bodily fluids (of any sort!). I also don't want the guy trying to get as much out of it as he can, before we go seperate ways and never see each other again. I am not that desperate for a kiss! I had a guy ask me once and he got annoyed when I refused. After that, I decided to tell people not to bother trying as I didn't want to, no matter how well the date went. However, on my first date with this guy, I didn't say anything. Instead, I gave him the awkward hug, which I'm not sure was the right move. Who knows what will happen next time....

I love your avatar by the way

 

[Artisan]

Ok.... so what is the deal with the first kiss??? I decided a couple of years ago that I never wanted to kiss anyone on a first date again. I just feel that it's insincere. I don't feel like I know someone well enough after a few hours, to exchange bodily fluids (of any sort!). I also don't want the guy trying to get as much out of it as he can, before we go seperate ways and never see each other again. I am not that desperate for a kiss! I had a guy ask me once and he got annoyed when I refused. After that, I decided to tell people not to bother trying as I didn't want to, no matter how well the date went. However, on my first date with this guy, I didn't say anything. Instead, I gave him the awkward hug, which I'm not sure was the right move. Who knows what will happen next time....

I love your avatar by the way

Well keep in mind a lot of INFJ guys aren't that experienced at dating So we tend to have expectations of what is supposed to happen based on what we hear via other guys and the occasional Chick flick. I dunno why people kiss on the first date either, but I feel like its some sort of social expectation of what should happen if both parties like eachother. It doesnt help that a lot of people tend to ask if you kissed after you tell them you went on a first date with someone

I don't think you need to worry about not having kissed him though, but I do think it's important to meet him half way on your next date so he does know you are just as interested in him as he is in you.

thanks

 

[Pyrrhula]

but I do think it's important to meet him half way on your next date so he does know you are just as interested in him as he is in you.

Well, I don't know if he is as interested in me now. He cancelled our date today, however, he asked to rearrange for tomorrow. His excuse? - He's tired, as he has been working all weekend. He said he'll be more awake and fun tomorrow. It means I'd have to rearrange my plans, however. Does this sound ligit?

 

[Artisan]

Well, I don't know if he is as interested in me now. He cancelled our date today, however, he asked to rearrange for tomorrow. His excuse? - He's tired, as he has been working all weekend. He said he'll be more awake and fun tomorrow. It means I'd have to rearrange my plans, however. Does this sound ligit?

It could be, I mean if he says hes up for tomorrow he is. The fact that it wasent a;"sometime next week maybe?" means to me that he does want to see you. Though don't let him make it a habbit. When planning your 3rd date, make sure he wont have the same problem again by planning the next date date so that he has a day between his work and his date with you

 

[Pyrrhula]

It could be, I mean if he says hes up for tomorrow he is. The fact that it wasent a;"sometime next week maybe?" means to me that he does want to see you. Though don't let him make it a habbit. When planning your 3rd date, make sure he wont have the same problem again by planning the next date date so that he has a day between his work and his date with you

Yeah, he asked about tomorrow straight away. I refused and didn't really suggest an alternative. I guess I thought he was being flakey and wasn't keen. So, then he asked when I'd be free next and suggested yet another day. Anyway, I have changed my plans somewhat and will be meeting him tomorrow. We've agreed on times and have added a little something extra to do.

If he cancels again, that's it! I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt the first time, but if it happens again..... I've got other people asking me out on dates!

 

[Pyrrhula]

Met him yesterday. We spent 8 hours together! Is that too long for a date? We saw a movie, went for food and then a few drinks after. I thought he was looking tired so I said I'd go home, and he said "don't you want to spend a little more time with me?". He was very chilled towards the end of the date though, and it confused me a little. I was wondering if he'd decided he didn't like me romantically. However, he said a few things that made me think he did, e.g. he revealed he smoked and seemed concerned it'd be a problem, and also mentioned how he'd definitely quit for someone. He also kissed me (no tongues, just a few lingering pecks on the lips after a hug). He also asked if I got home ok.

I'm a little concerned about our availability to meet, as he works weekends and that's the best time for me. It's also a bit awkward due to him still living at home.

How often do you think we should meet at this stage (2 weeks, 2 dates)? We tried to arrange something but it was left up in the air a bit.

Oh ETA: He doesn't seem very emotional for an INFJ. Whenever I've mentioned crying at movies, for example, he's surprised. Can you guys hide this well?

 

[Wyote]

Why do you think this guy is INFJ? From what little you have shared he doesn't seem it.

INFJs can take a while to get to know though. Maybe he is trying to be cool.

Also striaght INFJ men may try to hide their emotionality due to social BS. I don't really cry at movies often but I do feel them very deeply. I didn't really know it was different for me from others until I was older and had some extensive discussions about it.

I would say you are fine meeting every couple of weeks, maybe try weekly but if you can't it's ok. Don't go longer than three weeks unless you have a good excuse.

 

[Pyrrhula]

Why do you think this guy is INFJ? From what little you have shared he doesn't seem it.

INFJs can take a while to get to know though. Maybe he is trying to be cool.

Also striaght INFJ men may try to hide their emotionality due to social BS. I don't really cry at movies often but I do feel them very deeply. I didn't really know it was different for me from others until I was older and had some extensive discussions about it.

I would say you are fine meeting every couple of weeks, maybe try weekly but if you can't it's ok. Don't go longer than three weeks unless you have a good excuse.

I immediately thought he was INFX when we began messaging. He took the test and was INFJ. He seems to be in person too. He's very shy and quiet when talking, but has a certain coldness/moodiness about him. I'm trying to gauge whether he's mature enough for me.

I prefer to see someone at least once a week at first. I think it helps getting to know them.... Keeps the ball rolling.