Insecurity

[Not2bforgot10]

I am wondering if any other INxJ's have issues with insecurity in relationships? If so, and you're willing to share, I'd love to hear your experiences.

What makes you insecure and how do you deal with the insecurity you feel?

Also, (optional) how would you rate your insecurity on a 1-10 scale with 1 being the least and 10 the highest?

Thanks!

 

[MoneyJungle]

Usually when I find myself insecure in a relationship there is good reason to be so. Then I wonder if my insecurity is the cause of the whole thing. I've never been with someone who was willing to simply humor me with some reassurance, which is apparently unbearable for a lot of people.

What makes me insecure is a general feeling that I am being taken for granted. I am far from perfect, but if the things I do right are not being appreciated or, more importantly, acknowledged, I feel even more insecure regarding my flaws.

On a scale of 1-10, I'd probably give myself a 7 as the average in my combined romantic history.

 

[PoetOfDreams]

I am a 6.5 when it come to insecurity. Most of it from friendships and the fear of them hurting me in such ways. (though I don't see how because of the such loving community I am in)

 

[Pristinegirl]

Well speaking from the most unexperienced girlie here, I'd say that I am the most insecure in the sense that steady relationships are completely new to me. However insecure in a relationship in my case is the sense that it is a 'new' relationship and that I'd feel fear of abandonment when he finds my flaws..
SO 4 on the relationship, 7 in regards to my inner obstacles in the form of fear/worries that arise.

 

[ZenCat]

If it helps any to give a longer perspective, I was very insecure in relationships (both plutonic and romantic) from early childhood right through to my mid-20's. I would say easily a base rating of 7, sometimes higher.

From about age 27 to 32 I began to develop a much stronger sense of self-esteem and that spilled over into my sense of security in relationships. So from late 20's to late 30's the rating dropped from 7 to about 4 or 5 and was pretty stable.

From my late 30's to now (mid-40's) I have remained self-confident but I'm much more careful about who I form relationships with, so my insecurity rating has dropped down to around 2 or 3, though I do occasionally have higher spikes (which I suspect has biological more than emotional roots).

 

[acd]

I was incredibly insecure in my first relationship. (Probably about a 10 back then.) I know that level of insecurity put a lot of strain and pressure on the relationship, causing events that led to its end. I think insecurity comes from looking to the external world to tell you who are you and what your value is. When you are this insecure (in my experience) people are like mirrors, and you work to see yourself reflected back in the ways they treat you. You create problems in relationships this way.

It took awhile for me to figure out that no one else determines anyone elses' worth, that your existence makes you as entitled to everything the world has to offer as anyone else, not your abilities or merits or looks etc. You don't have to accept being insecure. It may sound cliche, but the beginning of insecurity's end is the beginning of really getting to know yourself and befriending yourself. I agree with Zencat, that when you develop a stronger sense of self-esteem it makes you secure in your relationships. I think it's because you don't need anyone to place value on you to feel valuable. This way, you are able to truly enjoy the other person and accept them and form a much deeper bond than if you were constantly seeking fault in them as it is interpreted to be fault in yourself.
Now, I'd rate myself at 2.

 

[Satya]

I'm overly self conscious, not insecure.

 

[CoffeeShopDiva]

I am very insecure when it comes to boys in general. But, when it comes to actual relationships, I think I'm very secure (or as secure as I'm ever going to be!). It takes me a while to allow myself to trust someone, but once I do, it usually takes a lot to shatter it.

 

[Pristinegirl]

I am very insecure when it comes to boys in general. But, when it comes to actual relationships, I think I'm very secure (or as secure as I'm ever going to be!). It takes me a while to allow myself to trust someone, but once I do, it usually takes a lot to shatter it.

I'm goign to have to rephrase myself because this is actually significant and correct in my case too, when I trust and become comfortable in the relationship I will feel very secure and confident. However in the beginning of entering it I will probably be insecure because I might fear the other part will disslike what I say or do.