Is an unconventional marriage the key to marital bliss?

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Korg

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I saw this article on Huffington Post today and have been thinking about it a bit. One part I really agree with is this: "It's clear that in developing or poor countries, the traditional marriage situation does work for most people. In these countries, the couple is a bonded survival unit. Whether they love each other is irrelevant. They need each other and their children to survive."

In America, people have this notion of marrying for love and/or romance. What many don't realize is how recent this paradigm is. Historically, marriage was merely a legal institution and that's it - a way to secure wealth, property or to ensure hereditary power. Beyond that (or in addition to), it was exactly as stated: a survival unit. Even though marriages often had stipulations about remaining monogamous, few people adhered to them. That is why concubines, prostitutes or even young boys were taken as lovers (in Greece and Rome) so that the constantly evolving desire for pleasure and romance could still be met without sacrificing what had been secured with the legal contract of marriage.

Anyway, what do you all think of relaxing the traditional model of marriage now that society has evolved beyond a point where most people need to marry for wealth, power or survival?
 
i'm not sure what you mean by relaxing it. there are so many different types of 'marriages' now it seems like the so called traditional way is becoming the exception.
i chose to live with my partner for security (financial and emotional) and companionship. i could have easily loved him just the same and kept my own apartment, and we both understand this.
 
If I become married, I am most certain that I will at least need my own
room to have my own space and me time. A place that I can change on
any whim of my fantasies. Whether that means repainting or rearranging.
I need a room where I can unwind and relax and be undisturbed by myself.
Otherwise I think I will feel overwhelmed by the amount of infringing I am
doing to my spouse and he is doing to me. We all have those times where
we do not want to be disturbed. When I'm writing I like my space. When
I'm reading I like my space. I'm sure my husband would be really appreciative
of being allowed his space as well. We don't have to sleep in separate beds
every night, generally we would sleep in the same bed but sometimes you just
want to sleep by yourself too. I believe that most marriages would be more
fruitful if each spouse had their own space to have as "theirs". When we get
married we are to share everything. I find that to be unrealistic as all animals
are selfish creatures. We need something to be selfish of. This isn't bad. This
isn't something to be ashamed of.

I feel as if I've just rambled and made not an ounce of sense.

No. I did not reply to the OP.
Yes. I did read the article.
 
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Bird said:
If I become married, I am most certain that I will at least need my own
room to have my own space and me time. A place that I can change on
any whim of my fantasies. Whether that means repainting or rearranging.
I need a room where I can unwind and relax and be undisturbed by myself.
Otherwise I think I will feel overwhelmed by the amount of infringing I am
doing to my spouse and he is doing to me. We all have those times where
we do not want to be disturbed. When I'm writing I like my space. When
I'm reading I like my space. I'm sure my husband would be really appreciative
of being allowed his space as well. We don't have to sleep in separate beds
every night, generally we would sleep in the same bed but sometimes you just
want to sleep by yourself too. I believe that most marriages would be more
fruitful if each spouse had their own space to have as "theirs". When we get
married we are to share everything. I find that to be unrealistic as all animals
are selfish creatures. We need something to be selfish of. This isn't bad. This
isn't something to be ashamed of.

I feel as if I've just rambled and made not an ounce of sense.
Click to expand...

If my husband had a traditional 9 to 5 job, I would either lose my marbles or strangle him. LOL
 
I really think it depends on the person, I do not think all traditional marriage in modern, american families are doomed or any such thing of the like. I mean hell my grandparents on my fathers side have been married for 65 years and my grandparents on my mothers side would have about the same if they were alive. My parents themselves have been married for over 30 years and do the shared everything approach. While I could never really see this working for me personally, I know that it works well for them. So I think what one needs in a marriage is very individualistic, I also don't think everyone needs to get married.
 
Personally, I could never be in an "open" marriage because it would contradict the very foundation on which marriage is based. This doesn't mean that if I marry someone, that we can't learn to figure out how to best meet each other's needs by making accommodations or adjustments. That's what marriage is about. I am not going to marry someone who can "meet their needs" elsewhere. I would only want to marry someone who is committed to me and would want to make it work with us living in the same house. But that doesn't mean, we can't give each other space. God knows I need my space. I don't like this idea that marriage is inherently some sort of prison where partners are there to restrain and hold you in. If someone doesn't want that level of involvement or committment to someone, then don't get married. I definitely think couples should have their own bathroom.

Just because you're in love with someone doesn't mean you should marry them. And just because you're married to someone and connect with him or her emotionally, spiritually, and physically doesn't mean you can tolerate living with your spouse.
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Agree with the first sentence, and the second sentence somewhat. I think we expect things to be too easy today. We have a menu list as our default today. If things are not perfect or exactly as we want them, then we dismiss it and leave it for something that's supposedly better. Learning to balance wants and needs in a relationship is not easy but there's a lot of great life lessons learned from going through that process with someone. Of course, you want to find someone you can live with, but realistically, if you're to live with someone in the long run, you can't expect every single day to be perfect or always great. You're human, it's normal for you to have good days and bad days or neutral ones. Everyone is probably going to want some space at some point. I think the thing is to figure out is what are reasonable expectations of a partner in marriage, and that's something the couple will probably have to discuss and think about throughout the course of their relationship leading up to marriage.
 
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Bird said:
If I become married, I am most certain that I will at least need my own
room to have my own space and me time. A place that I can change on
any whim of my fantasies. Whether that means repainting or rearranging.
I need a room where I can unwind and relax and be undisturbed by myself.
Otherwise I think I will feel overwhelmed by the amount of infringing I am
doing to my spouse and he is doing to me. We all have those times where
we do not want to be disturbed. When I'm writing I like my space. When
I'm reading I like my space. I'm sure my husband would be really appreciative
of being allowed his space as well. We don't have to sleep in separate beds
every night, generally we would sleep in the same bed but sometimes you just
want to sleep by yourself too. I believe that most marriages would be more
fruitful if each spouse had their own space to have as "theirs". When we get
married we are to share everything. I find that to be unrealistic as all animals
are selfish creatures. We need something to be selfish of. This isn't bad. This
isn't something to be ashamed of.

I feel as if I've just rambled and made not an ounce of sense.

No. I did not reply to the OP.
Yes. I did read the article.
Click to expand...

you made perfect sense to me.
my partner and i live together but we live independently too. i basically have the main floor and he has the lower level. the man cave he calls it.
his own room, his own bathroom, his own media room with the big screen tv and sound surround.
i have the two upstairs bedrooms, the office, the library and the whole yard.
we have totally different interests (i do not watch tv) so it works great for us.
we never sleep together, because we both prefer to sleep alone, although we have one room with a king size bed that we 'share' from time to time...
i can't imagine a better arrangement for us, yet there are a lot of people who think it's odd or wonder why we bother to live together at all.
 
I weep for the conventional marriage. IMO the conventional marriage is the key to marital bliss. 'Conventional' meaning (usually) the man works and where (usually) the woman stays home, but where the roles of 'who does what' are very clear. I know that this is very difficult to do in this day and age financially and some people might find it insulting and/or degrading. Strictly speaking from experience, marriage takes a lot of fucking work and someone's got to be home to tend to it otherwise some serious resentment and discontent will brew which could lead to failure. If you're in an open marriage or in a marriage where one person lives apart, or the other types that the article listed, what's the point? Sounds like a HUGE waste of time because to me, marriage=commitment.

What's the benefit of men getting married nowadays, anyways? Maybe there's a man here who can answer that question. I want to believe that most men (or at least the men I'm attracted to) would want a clean house to come home to, a wife who takes care of herself and looks good, a wife that is happy and not stressed out, dinner on the table, someone to give them a back rub at the end of the day, regular sex, etc. and in exchange the women in their life are 'taken care' of. I don't find this misogynistic or degrading in the least. This is simple and 'works' for the most part. It worked for my parents. I'm sure people will disagree.

When the roles are blurred and the woman also has to work full time, then what woman really has the time and energy to do all of the above and be happy about it every day? And let's be honest, women are usually responsible for the care of the house, kids, relationship even if they work full time.

For those of you who have been divorced, what would you say the root, the reason your marriage failed? Maybe that's another thread altogether...

IDK, if and when I get married again staying at home would be a deal breaker. Not because I didn't want to work, but because I would want to work for our relationship.
 
I like the idea of the traditional 1950's marriage.

All I want is a highly profitable job so that my stay at home wife can wear pearls while she cleans and cooks and raises kids. Also if she wants to sell Mary Kay that is cool with me! Is that too much to ask for?!?!! /frustration@society.
 
uberrogo said:
I like the idea of the traditional 1950's marriage.

All I want is a highly profitable job so that my stay at home wife can wear pearls while she cleans and cooks and raises kids. Also if she wants to sell Mary Kay that is cool with me! Is that too much to ask for?!?!! /frustration@society.
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+1 Great point.
 
Fuck, I want to be a stay-at-home husband!

In relation to the article and the author talking about her own marriage, I think it would be incredibly unhealthy for the child to only see her parents in a good mood and never fighting. Fighting and resolving conflict is part of what solidifies a relationship, in my opinion, and I think children should be witness to the process. Children look to their parents to learn what is the "right" thing to do in situations, and if they aren't ever (or hardly ever) exposed to conflict and resolution, it could risk the child growing up thinking that couples shouldn't fight.
 
I am feeling an overwhelming urge to clean something and then bring Uberrogo a martini by the swimming pool... :P Fun, huh?

anyway.

There really is no such thing as a truly "conventional" marriage, is there? And I sort of doubt there ever really, truly was, at least not for most people in the world. It's a bit of a myth, even for those who were "traditional" on the surface.

I don't see the point of getting married in the first place, though, if you don't bond as a couple & live together. But I suppose that works for some people...maybe I personally just take the bonding thing too far... probably. An open marriage living apart would be no marriage at all as far as I'm concerned, it would just be an annoying stranger who intruded on my life periodically. But perhaps it would work for others.

You just have to deal with reality as it hits you, and reality today is that marriage partners simply have to take on roles that are not necessarily "traditional", and that's okay. I've been a stay at home mom, and it's a hell of a lot of work, and does not do wonders for one's personality, especially with young children. That in itself can really strain a relationship -- unfortunately, people think it is easier than it is. I know, it sounds great to have that luxurious amount of time to clean things and cook and take care of people, but trust me: they get sick of it after a while. Marriage is both love and work, and today it usually requires both partners working. Also, men DESERVE to experience the good things involved in traditional female roles, like being an involved and loving parent, instead of just the wage earner. And scrubbing grout... wait... no. never mind.

I know a lot of people who are getting engaged, married or living together, so it doesn't appear the human desire for being in a marriage-like partnership is going away anytime really soon.

And this is the most important point: It's Your Marriage - Do What Works for You

p.s. and the fighting thing in that article seemed strange to me. Maybe I'm weird but I have never in my life fought about things like hot water or shavings in the sink or much cared or noticed about things like that... seems strange to me.
 
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Sensiko said:
I weep for the conventional marriage. IMO the conventional marriage is the key to marital bliss. 'Conventional' meaning (usually) the man works and where (usually) the woman stays home, but where the roles of 'who does what' are very clear. I know that this is very difficult to do in this day and age financially and some people might find it insulting and/or degrading. Strictly speaking from experience, marriage takes a lot of fucking work and someone's got to be home to tend to it otherwise some serious resentment and discontent will brew which could lead to failure. If you're in an open marriage or in a marriage where one person lives apart, or the other types that the article listed, what's the point? Sounds like a HUGE waste of time because to me, marriage=commitment.

What's the benefit of men getting married nowadays, anyways? Maybe there's a man here who can answer that question. I want to believe that most men (or at least the men I'm attracted to) would want a clean house to come home to, a wife who takes care of herself and looks good, a wife that is happy and not stressed out, dinner on the table, someone to give them a back rub at the end of the day, regular sex, etc. and in exchange the women in their life are 'taken care' of. I don't find this misogynistic or degrading in the least. This is simple and 'works' for the most part. It worked for my parents. I'm sure people will disagree.

When the roles are blurred and the woman also has to work full time, then what woman really has the time and energy to do all of the above and be happy about it every day? And let's be honest, women are usually responsible for the care of the house, kids, relationship even if they work full time.

For those of you who have been divorced, what would you say the root, the reason your marriage failed? Maybe that's another thread altogether...

IDK, if and when I get married again staying at home would be a deal breaker. Not because I didn't want to work, but because I would want to work for our relationship.
Click to expand...

Have you ever stayed home for any amount of time? I took two years off when I had my daughter. I went insane. I was depressed. Even as an introvert I was uncomfortable with how much my world shrunk. Just curious if you tried it. I would do it again, but only for one year. LOL.
 
this is only temporary said:
I am feeling an overwhelming urge to clean something and then bring Uberrogo a martini by the swimming pool... :P Fun, huh?

You just have to deal with reality as it hits you, and reality today is that marriage partners simply have to take on roles that are not necessarily "traditional", and that's okay. I've been a stay at home mom, and it's a hell of a lot of work, and does not do wonders for one's personality, especially with young children. That in itself can really strain a relationship -- unfortunately, people think it is easier than it is. I know, it sounds great to have that luxurious amount of time to clean things and cook and take care of people, but trust me: they get sick of it after a while. Marriage is both love and work, and today it usually requires both partners working. Also, men DESERVE to experience the good things involved in traditional female roles, like being an involved and loving parent, instead of just the wage earner. And scrubbing grout... wait... no. never mind.
Click to expand...

OMG, I love you.
 
CindyLou said:
Have you ever stayed home for any amount of time? I took two years off when I had my daughter. I went insane. I was depressed. Even as an introvert I was uncomfortable with how much my world shrunk. Just curious if you tried it. I would do it again, but only for one year. LOL.
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Looking back, some of the times when my marriage was the 'strongest' was when one of us stayed home full time or worked part time. But to answer your question, yes and I personally loved it. Although I don't have kids so that's probably a big factor. Going to work every day makes me feel insane and depressed. I know staying at home is not for everyone, I get it. But I guess my point was that things work smoothly for the marriage as a whole if someone is working and someone is tending to the home/family unit because that's a big job and it's not easy.
 
Sensiko said:
Looking back, some of the times when my marriage was the 'strongest' was when one of us stayed home full time or worked part time. But to answer your question, yes and I personally loved it. Although I don't have kids so that's probably a big factor. Going to work every day makes me feel insane and depressed. I know staying at home is not for everyone, I get it. But I guess my point was that things work smoothly for the marriage as a whole if someone is working and someone is tending to the home/family unit because that's a big job and it's not easy.
Click to expand...

I completely agree. I still work from home one or two days a week to catch up on laundry and watch some Strawberry Shortcake with my daughter and make her pancakes for breakfast instead of oatmeal before preschool. I just really feel bad for women when they have no other option. I love my daughter, and I would take a year off for any child I have but my sanity and well being can't take more than a year. I feel selfish typing that. :( I couldn't do a lifetime or I would have to heavily be involved in charity work.
 
Interesting, I recall one of my classes citing the traditional breadwinner husband and homemaker mother as the relationship that is least likely to divorce. However, I am unsure if that means the marriages are happy, especially regarding those relationships where the woman is so dependent on the man and cannot leave. That being said, such a relationship has worked out for my parents, and they do both love each other very much.

The author's own situation seems interesting.

I don't think unconventional marriages would work for everyone though, myself included.
 
Bird said:
If I become married, I am most certain that I will at least need my own
room to have my own space and me time. A place that I can change on
any whim of my fantasies. Whether that means repainting or rearranging.
I need a room where I can unwind and relax and be undisturbed by myself.
Otherwise I think I will feel overwhelmed by the amount of infringing I am
doing to my spouse and he is doing to me. We all have those times where
we do not want to be disturbed. When I'm writing I like my space. When
I'm reading I like my space. I'm sure my husband would be really appreciative
of being allowed his space as well. We don't have to sleep in separate beds
every night, generally we would sleep in the same bed but sometimes you just
want to sleep by yourself too. I believe that most marriages would be more
fruitful if each spouse had their own space to have as "theirs". When we get
married we are to share everything. I find that to be unrealistic as all animals
are selfish creatures. We need something to be selfish of. This isn't bad. This
isn't something to be ashamed of.

I feel as if I've just rambled and made not an ounce of sense.

No. I did not reply to the OP.
Yes. I did read the article.
Click to expand...

I would require this as well. I strongly believe that time apart is equally as important as time together. I don't want to be smothered just as I am sure no one else would want to be smothered by me. I mean, unless they're into that lol.
 
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