large vs. small family dynamics

[Gaze]

How large or small is or was your family growing up? Did you like growing up in size family you had? What were some of the pros and cons? Do you think you want to same size family as the one you grew up in or something different?

 

[PintoBean]

2 siblings, highly dysfunctional mother and father. We were all a hair too far apart age-wise to be good friends until later in life. At which point all the dysfunction had roundly fucked up those opportunities. Though I think having siblings made me less selfish for sure. A close friend of mine growing up was an only child. She had more personal attention and opportunities in general. She may have been more insulated and self-centered (in fact I am sure she was), but I'd still choose having or giving her childhood over the one I had. I choose be child free, but if I did want kids I would only have one.

 

[j654dgj7]

2 much older siblings. I practically grew up as an only child, and never had much of a relationship with my brothers. Highly dysfunctional, passive-aggressive parents. I wish that I had someone around my same age that I could relate to and count on unconditionally. I think that would have done me a lot of good.

 

[Gaze]

2 much older siblings. I practically grew up as an only child, and never had much of a relationship with my brothers. Highly dysfunctional, passive-aggressive parents. I wish that I had someone around my same age that I could relate to and count on unconditionally. I think that would have done me a lot of good.

Feel the same. I have a half brother, but I never grew up with him. I was also raised as an only child. Not a piece of cake. Anyone thinking all this attention was good is severely misguided. As introverted child who was teased a ton, that small family unit was like a fishbowl. No real autonomy or right to have your say. Too much attention and very high expectations. Not much room to breathe. Created too much co-dependence. Had one dominant and one submissive parent. Those dynamics were "fun". Would have been nice to have another sibling to balance out the attention.

 

[j654dgj7]

I was also raised as an only child. Not a piece of cake. Anyone thinking all this attention was good is severely misguided.

My exact experience, too.

It was very stressful for me to be the only focal point. I felt like everyone was constantly watching and correcting my actions. My brothers felt like add-on parents sometimes, a group of grown-ups ganging up against me.

 

[Misadventure]

I am the oldest of 3. Two girls, one boy. I think because of my family's culture, my little brother was always the golden child, the heir. My sister and I had to bend to his every need and now his poor wife does, lol. My parents were formal and traditional, not much affection or affirmations of love.

I grew up to become an assertive individual but also one who inadvertently hates too much structure. My children, 2 daughters and one son coincidentally, have much more freedom from tradition and binding structure.

 

[Gaze]

I am the oldest of 3. Two girls, one boy. I think because of my family's culture, my little brother was always the golden child, the heir. My sister and I had to bend to his every need and now his poor wife does, lol. My parents were formal and traditional, not much affection or affirmations of love.

I grew up to become an assertive individual but also one who inadvertently hates too much structure. My children, 2 daughters and one son coincidentally, have much more freedom from tradition and binding structure.

That's cool. If I have kids, I'm likely to do the same. I like structure but I don't want their every move dictated or controlled. I want them to feel free to develop who they are, explore their differences, but still be supportive of each other. I would want them to have someone else besides their parents throughout their lives. I don't want any to feel better or more important than the other, although I've heard it's hard for parents not to have favorites. I'm sometimes a bit envious of larger, not large, families than the one I had.

 

[Misadventure]

That's cool. If I have kids, I'm likely to do the same. I like structure but I don't want their every move dictated or controlled. I want them to feel free to develop who they are, explore their differences, but still be supportive of each other. I would want them to have someone else besides their parents throughout their lives. I don't want any to feel better or more important than the other, although I've heard it's hard for parents not to have favorites. I'm sometimes a bit envious of larger, not large, families than the one I had.

Exactly. My kids get along great with each other, even though my eldest daughter is 5 years older than the next sibling. I am not training my girls to become wives (which is how I was brought up) and instead to become independent women. And same goes for my son, I am not raising him to become waited on by women and also have that skewed view of a woman's place in the house and in his future relationships.
I treat all my children equally, but I do get along with my eldest daughter more. Perhaps because we are very similar in personality. My husband was from a quite large family and is close with all of his sibs. He will always say to this day that they had a greater impact on the person he became rather than his parents.

 

[j654dgj7]

Exactly. My kids get along great with each other, even though my eldest daughter is 5 years older than the next sibling. I am not training my girls to become wives (which is how I was brought up) and instead to become independent women. And same goes for my son, I am not raising him to become waited on by women and also have that skewed view of a woman's place in the house and in his future relationships.
I treat all my children equally, but I do get along with my eldest daughter more. Perhaps because we are very similar in personality. My husband was from a quite large family and is close with all of his sibs. He will always say to this day that they had a greater impact on the person he became rather than his parents.

 

[hush]

I'm the fourth of 5 kids, 2 brothers, two sisters. We're 35, 31, 28, 24, and 22 years of age, currently.

The family dynamics tended to change fairly often, since my parents divorced in '97 and my dad was out of the picture a few years later.

I would say it helped and hindered, having five of us. We sort of raised each other, but of course there were more mouths to feed. I would often think to myself, my mother shouldn't have kept on having kids, if she didn't plan on taking care of them. As the older siblings left (for instance, the second oldest left at 16, I was happy she got out) the responsibilities would tend to shift. When the aforementioned sister left I was 9, and the "mantle of responsibility" skipped my other sister, the middle child, and went to me. I would try to make sure my siblings were fed and taken care of, and that the household didn't completely fall apart. I still often have to remind myself, to not neglect my own needs, and spend too much time worrying about others.

Still, I love my siblings and have been, and will continue to be, with them throughout their darkest moments. I've said before on here that I don't think family is bound by blood, but it can include it. There are members of my family I have no desire to see, and haven't seen in years. I feel no obligation to include them in my life just because we share genes. My siblings are family because we're there for each other, because we've stood together in the face of opposition and fought for each other. We don't talk as often as we used to, but they know if they ever need anything all they have to do is call.

Despite everything, the ups and the downs, I am glad for the "family dynamics" we had. I've learned much from my siblings, and we continue to educate each other. Perpetual students. I might be reserved, much of the time, but they've helped me open my heart.

 

[Free]

I am the youngest of four. 2 girls, 2 boys. Dad was a marine and mom worked retail. We are close in age, and I don't know how my mother accomplished keeping her sanity intact during our early years. My two eldest siblings, sister and oldest brother, are a waste of oxygen to be honest, and the less contact with them the better. They are both very volatile people and still remain dysfunctional within their own circles.

On the plus-side though, I was very close to the younger of the two brothers. We were thick as thieves and relied heavily on each other growing up as dad was always gone and mom was always working. We couldn't count on our elder siblings for anything, so we took care of each other. Even into adulthood, we were more like BFF's than siblings. He followed in my father's footsteps as a Marine and is sadly no longer with us. I miss him dearly.

I'm raising my nephew now and do want kids of my own as well. I don't want a huge family, but I also wouldn't want an only child either. I have seen huge families with so much dysfunction and tiny families that are a model for how to raise your kids, and vice versa. I suspect having a healthy family dynamic stems from the parents, and that's what I would strive for. But even then, our parents were great, a little occupied elsewhere but not absent, and my oldest siblings are awful, lol.

 

[flower]

I'm the oldest of two children. I have only one sibling and he's 17 years old, 4 years younger than me. Mom is single parent since our parents divorced about 15 years ago. Though, we visited at dad's place every other weekend. Dad got new wife after divorcing with mom, so we got two new step siblings who are between 25-30 years old women now (not being in any contact with them, so not remembering their ages well...). My little brother was dad's and step mom's eye jewel, since step mom always wanted a boy but never got one. Because of various reasons I became the child in the new family who didn't get same amount of attention as the other children. It was hard for us to get used to the whole new ''family'' after parents divorce. New step mom and new step siblings... Also it was weird to see mom all alone, taking care of everything by herself. It wasn't easy. I really admire mom for her strength, after finding out that her husband is cheating and then taking care of the children alone. Hard financially, emotionally, physically etc. But we got used to it after some time and the three of us grew very close and strong together (mom, little brother and me). I wouldn't want it in any other way than it is currently. I don't want any children... Of course that could change in the future, but even that I love children, it doesn't seem my ''thing''. So no children for me, LOL.