Lonliness or is it just the fear of being an INFJ?!

Neva

Neva

Regular Poster
MBTI
INFJ
Well, I don't know if there has been a thread regarding this before or not, but I've been in a relationship recently & it was pretty serious I guess. The person who cared for me proposed only after knowing him for a couple of months, which I thought was insane, but went with the flow even though I didn't have strong feelings towards him. I felt like I was happy only because I'm in a relationship, which was unwise, I know. Anyway, It ended a couple of months ago because I found out he lied to me & his reason behind his lie was to impress me. After it all ended, I lost all contact with him, he kept sending me text messages, but I never replied.

Then now, just a couple of days ago, I found out he's in a relationship & I contacted him just a couple of days after his birthday to say happy belated birthday. Then he kept in touch with me through text messages & told me he's only in this relationship to forget me, which I don't believe.

I don't want him & I never liked or loved him as much as he felt for me, so why can't I stop thinking about him? I keep asking myself this question & I don't have an answer to it. Obviously, I'm not jealous & most of my friends are telling me not to contact him because it's just a feeling of being lonely & knowing that if I contact him, he'll keep in touch anyway because he wants my attention.

I feel horrible that he talks to me & I do talk to him, about normal stuff & this was just yesterday, it hasn't been for a long time, but it's killing me inside. It's killing me inside because I have a feeling that his new gf would probably be hurt if she found out he talked to me & on the other hand, I always think of him as just wanting my attention & yet still being with his gf, which I consider betrayal.

Anyway, what do you think of all of this? :m075:
 
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If you feel horrible, then stop.
 
I think your choice is easy. You cut contact with him. If it's easier for you to do that with closure then you need to be direct with him by telling him you never had feelings for him the way he did for you and that since he is in a relationship you feel it is wrong for him to stay in contact with you and that you will not be part of that and that you wish to move on in your life. It's pretty simple actually. These are the kinds of situations where you really don't have to worry about hurting his feelings.

Respect yourself enough to do what's right.
 
Honestly, I do think you are a fault here. You lied and went along with the proposal because you felt bad? Do you realize how hurtful that is, just because you were protecting your own feelings? It's honestly quite selfish. That right there could have sent him through a huge emotional ringer, much more then you would know. Hence, I think him dating someone to forget you, is actually the truth. Not to mention how strongly he felt towards you. There is a line between protecting your own feeling and the feelings of others, and protecting feeling for selfish and damaging reasons.

You need to cut ties with him outright, because I honestly do think you likely caused much more damage (and still am) them he did. I am sorry if this sounds cold or mean but I doubt many others would open up and say it, and I feel you need to hear it. Leave him be and cut ties outright.
 
If you are only happy in relationships, you might be contacting him now just for attention and an ego boost. There are probably much less selfish reasons mixed in as well. I think you should let him go.
 
you're right....It's so true...I don't know why I felt that, I guess it's because it's my first relationship even though it wasn't really a relationship. I was so happy that I gave him a chance because I'm always afraid to love someone because I always fear the feeling of getting hurt.

But again, you're so right, I was and still am selfish and that's why I went on with it.
 
i wouldn't be too hard on yourself here. the idea of talking to someone else while in a relationship is not a new one though undoubtedly a hurtful one for the partner who isn't in the know but obviously it isn't headed in the right direction to begin with. with that said it just doesn't seem like a good idea to me to enter a relationship that started with what some would consider emotional infidelity on his end. i mean whos to say he wouldn't turn around and do it to you if he thought he ran into someoen better for him again?

but don't beat yourself up for being confused and wanting something regardless of whether or not you understand it, you're not the first nor will you be thelast im sure. im not encouraging it, im just saying we're all human here.
 
bagelriffic said:
i wouldn't be too hard on yourself here. the idea of talking to someone else while in a relationship is not a new one though undoubtedly a hurtful one for the partner who isn't in the know but obviously it isn't headed in the right direction to begin with. with that said it just doesn't seem like a good idea to me to enter a relationship that started with what some would consider emotional infidelity on his end. i mean whos to say he wouldn't turn around and do it to you if he thought he ran into someoen better for him again?

but don't beat yourself up for being confused and wanting something regardless of whether or not you understand it, you're not the first nor will you be thelast im sure. im not encouraging it, im just saying we're all human here.
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Jesus, Baag, you make the rest of us look so insensitive.
 
@Neva,

It's not usually my style to be blunt, but I decided to be blunt this time after reading your OP. Then I noticed everyone else being blunt too. Here's my bit:

He's a liar. He already lied to you. You know this. And now, either he's lying, or he's telling the truth. If it is the truth, then he's lying to the other person. (What a horrible "reason" to be in a relationship - to "forget" someone else! If it's true, then he's lying about loving or caring for the other person.) Either way, he's STILL a liar. I don't want you to get more hurt, so I have to say end it now. The longer it goes, the deeper it goes, and the worse off everyone will be.

Not trying to be harsh, but I wanted to be clear and not so gentle that my point doesn't come across.

bagelriffic said:
it just doesn't seem like a good idea to me to enter a relationship that started with what some would consider emotional infidelity on his end. i mean whos to say he wouldn't turn around and do it to you if he thought he ran into someoen better for him again?
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This!
 
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The person who cared for me (taken directly from your post)

Here is your answer. You can't delegate the responsibility for your life to someone else. You weren't looking for love which is why you don't feel jealous. Your sense of unease and willingness to easily confess to being selfish is that you are old enough to see that you were using him. Is it bad? Good? Who knows, those are useless terms only in the sense that only you and him can define them for yourselves. If you engage in a relationship it should be for love, companionship and such things rather than some childish fantansy that a SO is like a parent to take care of you.
 
This is ALL True, if he's doing it to someone then he could be moving on to someone even better if he finds her. About the most recent post, yes, one of my friends said the same exact thing, I'm using him. The problem is, I was harsh enough to tell him I don't have feelings for him face to face, which is one of the most harsh moments of my life, but I had to tell him. This was right after he confessed he had feelings for me & I didn't want to lie to him. Then we kept in touch & thought I might give it a chance & told him, so we started going out & still, I didn't feel anything, but I was happy I was in a "relationship" & the attention he gave me, which is kinda sick to think about now.

I'm not being hard on myself because in the end, it couldn't have worked in all cases & it's really his loss, not mine.




Milon said:
@Neva,

It's not usually my style to be blunt, but I decided to be blunt this time after reading your OP. Then I noticed everyone else being blunt too. Here's my bit:

He's a liar. He already lied to you. You know this. And now, either he's lying, or he's telling the truth. If it is the truth, then he's lying to the other person. (What a horrible "reason" to be in a relationship - to "forget" someone else! If it's true, then he's lying about loving or caring for the other person.) Either way, he's STILL a liar. I don't want you to get more hurt, so I have to say end it now. The longer it goes, the deeper it goes, and the worse off everyone will be.

Not trying to be harsh, but I wanted to be clear and not so gentle that my point doesn't come across.


This!
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