Looking into peoples eyes

Jill Hives

Jill Hives

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Retired Staff
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Does anyone in here find themselves really wanting to make eye contact when they are getting to know a person?

I really do, and I seem to notice that this scares a lot of people away...haha. I can totally understand why, so I try to catch myself and not do it so much, so I don't come on too strong, but sometimes I can't help it! The more interesting I think a person is the more likely I am to do this. I just want to really know them so badly!
 
yup always do. People feel intimidated by eye contact, but for me its the only way to actually get to know some one...If I cant see their eyes I cant trust em
 
I generally avoid this. I do love to look at other peoples eyes because it allows me to see quite a bit about them. If it's mutual though I don't like it, because I "feel" too much and it makes me quite unconfortable. I generally don't make eye contact when I speak though because visual input is quite distracting to me when I am running off auditory systems (which is my default mode). I naturally look at "everything and nothing" when I talk and listen, so I am not actively avoiding it either.
 
The closer you are to someone, the more you look into their eyes, and for a longer duration of time. When you first meet someone, very little eye contact is made...In most western cultures looking at someone's face is unconsciously felt as invading their privacy, hence the discomfort when making eye contact with people you don't know well. On average, though, direct eye contact only lasts something like 2.9 seconds at most.

At the same time, eye contact shows that you care about what he/she is saying, and subconsciously builds trust. Try this: pay attention to how long you can comfortably maintain eye contact with both someone you know well, and someone that may just be an acquaintance or someone you just met. Monitor how this changes too as you get to know these people more. A lot of this kind of stuff is explained in books about body language, just fyi. Interesting stuff!
 
Entyqua said:
yup always do. People feel intimidated by eye contact, but for me its the only way to actually get to know some one...If I cant see their eyes I cant trust em
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I feel the same about not being able to really trust someone if I don't get that eye contact, at least once in a while. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable though either, I know what it is like to want to hide certain parts of yourself for just yourself so you can pick and choose who to let in. It's a pretty personal thing and I remind myself of this when I catch myself doing it too much and I can tell someone looks uneasy about it hah...

I honestly find it pretty attractive when I come across someone who is confident enough to look me right in the eyes when they are talking to me. It shows me they don't have anything to hide.

IndigoSensor said:
I generally avoid this. I do love to look at other peoples eyes because it allows me to see quite a bit about them. If it's mutual though I don't like it, because I "feel" too much and it makes me quite unconfortable. I generally don't make eye contact when I speak though because visual input is quite distracting to me when I am running off auditory systems (which is my default mode). I naturally look at "everything and nothing" when I talk and listen, so I am not actively avoiding it either.
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I don't like to do it while speaking for the same reason actually, my train of thought will get diverted and then I have to stumble around my thoughts and remember where I left off with what I was saying.
 
No it's too personal and it makes me uncomfortable for more than a few seconds.

Which is sad, really.. the fact that in western culture, like basic mentioned, eye contact is weird and almost invasive.. as if acknowledging someone on the same level and showing them your interest is taboo. It's weird. western culture is way too aloof and individualistic and needs to get over itself.

So, I don't think you're doing anything wrong by gazing into people's eyes.
I think it's evolved.
 
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bananaphone said:
So, I don't think you're doing anything wrong by gazing into people's eyes.
I think it's evolved.
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... :mlove2:

That might be the best compliment I have received in a very long time.
 
yes, but i often don't. it's a bit uncomfortable for me too, which is odd. wanting to, and it being uncomfortable at the same time.
and yes, the more curious i am about someone, the more i want to make eye contact.
 
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If there is one thing that I am lousy at is making eye contact even if I know a person well enough.
Its a trust issue for me.
 
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I both need to make eye contact and feel the need to break away if it gets to intense. Making eye contact is something I couldn't do when I was younger. I had to teach myself to do it. I do like reading people's eyes but I don't like them reading mine unless I really trust them. But I always make basic brief eye contact as a show of respect for my fellow human beings.
 
IndigoSensor said:
I generally avoid this. I do love to look at other peoples eyes because it allows me to see quite a bit about them. If it's mutual though I don't like it, because I "feel" too much and it makes me quite unconfortable. I generally don't make eye contact when I speak though because visual input is quite distracting to me when I am running off auditory systems (which is my default mode). I naturally look at "everything and nothing" when I talk and listen, so I am not actively avoiding it either.
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+1 I feel lost when I look in someone's eyes though, I'm not sure what to do with all that I see.
 
neptunesguns said:
I feel the same about not being able to really trust someone if I don't get that eye contact, at least once in a while. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable though either, I know what it is like to want to hide certain parts of yourself for just yourself so you can pick and choose who to let in. It's a pretty personal thing and I remind myself of this when I catch myself doing it too much and I can tell someone looks uneasy about it hah...

I honestly find it pretty attractive when I come across someone who is confident enough to look me right in the eyes when they are talking to me. It shows me they don't have anything to hide.
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Same here.
 
A lot of times I have trouble sustaining eye contact, so no this isn't really a problem for me.
 
I naturally make a degree of eye contact in my daily encounters. It surprises me a bit that some people (at the office particularly) absolutely avoid this!
 
Only very attractive women.
 
For me, I find extended eye contact to be rude if you are not close or related. Among Natives it is considered rude or immature to stare at someone.
 
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When I was young, I also had issues maintaining eye contact. Not in a bashful sense, though, but more in a "Hey, look at that shiny object" way. I didn't really work at it, but when I finally realized I actually did care what people were saying, I began to instinctively hold eye contact. I've only met one person whose gaze was difficult for me to maintain, but otherwise I can hold onto it for incredible lengths of time.

I have found, though, that people are less intimidated by my eye contact if I'm wearing glasses vs contacts. Also, and I'm not sure if my "mood ring eyes" (as my ex calls them) have anything to do with it, but if I'm staring into someone's eyes with intent, they usually back away or look away, regardless of what the intent is.
 
Actually it's funny because when I was reading up on body language once I read that naturally when you first meet someone you don't like to make direct eye contact for more than a split second...Unless you don't at all feel interested or engaged in the conversation
 
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