Niffer + Japanese INFJ

B

barbad0s

Banned
MBTI
POOP
Guys.. please help me.

An INFJ in medical school agreed to wait 2 years for me to graduate and come live/work in Japan, and he agreed to getting to know one another in the meantime over long distance communication. However...

1) I'm not completely sure he understood what I meant (language barrier plus cultural differences in dating expectation plus sleep deprivation during the conversation when this was communicated).

2) He is extremely busy most of the time, and I don't want to bother him unnecessarily.

I have no idea what I should do or say to him.


Backstory: I met him at an international gathering in fall 2014 when I was taking a break from my studies and working for a kindergarten in Japan. We both instantly took a strong liking to one another and dated for the remaining one month that I was in the area. Him being obsessed with travel and foreigners and claiming how romantic he thinks it is to date a foreigner, he wanted to penpal with me, but after my return to Canada, I was shy about it, unable to find the time, unsure of my plans for the future, and unsure about investing time into someone I wasn't sure I'd even get the chance to ever meet again. This coupled with my long and drawn out history of failed long distance relationships had made me less than optimistic about the practical implementation of this. I told him my thoughts on this.

But recently, I was able to see him again because I visited his city for a couple of days in the aftermath of me going back to Japan last month to complete a language and culture study program in a different prefecture. I handmade a cat travel pillow for him, amongst other things, to thank him for the romance of half a year ago.

I feel like I am formulating an answer in my heart: work with the impracticality and see that I have to act to compensate for it, and readjust my plans to allow myself to build a life in Japan sooner rather than later. I am highly prone to depression and lethargy and prolonging my life in Canada and trying to attempt two years of hardcore study in this city with no variety or break may be a recipe for failure for me anyway. I may as well work and study in bite sized pieces, while having fun in a foreign land and benefiting the people I have made friends with and the community over there, seamlessly, simply by being who I am.

Help me guys. What do I do. What do I say.
 
niffer said:
I feel like I am formulating an answer in my heart: work with the impracticality and see that I have to act to compensate for it, and readjust my plans to allow myself to build a life in Japan sooner rather than later. I am highly prone to depression and lethargy and prolonging my life in Canada and trying to attempt two years of hardcore study in this city with no variety or break may be a recipe for failure for me anyway. I may as well work and study in bite sized pieces, while having fun in a foreign land and benefiting the people I have made friends with and the community over there, seamlessly, simply by being who I am.

Help me guys. What do I do. What do I say.
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Regardless of love, I think you should do what you deem has the best chances of success for you achieving your career goals. I do not think you should ever expect things to be awesome just by moving somewhere for somebody so make sure you move for you. As you said though hes in medical school, not the easiest of studies and certainly not one with a lot of time for relationships. He might have said yes precisely because he would then have time to finish his studies too before giving in to your irresistible advances. ;p

If you move, expect that you won't see him for the duration of those two years (minus perhaps a few days here and there). He might be man enough to say he wont have time when he doesn't or he will make time and crack under the stress of the combo of GF + Medschool. (if hes truly an INFJ keep this in mind)

If he said he would wait then likely he will, hes a medical student so its not like he has much time on his hands if he wants to land a job someday, I think regardless of what you do, you should communicate with him. He asked to get to know you better via text whilst you were away, grand him that. He's definitely interested though but hes got no time for a relationship at the time other than sending non-instant messages back and forth. (that's why he wanted to penpal and didn't suggest watsapping/skyping) He is real about the waiting because hes got no time for a physical active relationship at this moment in time. So if you decide to move, move to a place that does not make him feel obliged to see you weekly.

That's just my two cents, I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide niffer, be happy, and keep us posted ^^!


ps. sorry if this sounded like a pessimistic read : X
I am however also an INFJ male with a busy/stressful/high maintenance study ^^" so I can also relate to his situation in that aspect.
 
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[MENTION=3998]niffer[/MENTION]

How does he make you feel?
 
Follow your heart (gut) as long as you don't loose yourself doing so. It might be worthwhile to just take it one day at a time, let whatever develops develop, and treat it for what it is; the beginning of something. Getting stuck with long range desires trying to make something into a particular thing has never worked well for me but your mileage will vary.
 
hush said:
@niffer

How does he make you feel?
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niffer said:
This is a little abstract, but: he makes me feel as if I'm in a relationship with fate and destiny in itself.
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There's your answer. This is one of those karmic relationships you're probably meant to finish up in this lifetime.

Contrary to what society likes to teach us about our long term love relationships - they are not meant to last "forever and ever amen".

I invite you to explore your feelings - especially in your body - whenever you think about him or when you're communicating with him and see where it leads you. Listen to your intuition. It's important for you to be your self as authentically as you can...and know that you cannot make a mistake in this.
 
Kgal said:
There's your answer. This is one of those karmic relationships you're probably meant to finish up in this lifetime.

Contrary to what society likes to teach us about our long term love relationships - they are not meant to last "forever and ever amen".

I invite you to explore your feelings - especially in your body - whenever you think about him or when you're communicating with him and see where it leads you. Listen to your intuition. It's important for you to be your self as authentically as you can...and know that you cannot make a mistake in this.
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Yes, this is exactly how I feel.

I feel like this is a really big lesson for my spirit, or something like that.

My mother once told me that "the same kind of person keeps reappearing in your life" ... presumably until the spirit of our lineage learns its lesson and is redeemed. My mother told me that when she was in her 20s, she met her "perfect match", whom she wrote letters back and forth with while they were studying a distance away from one another. She found it too difficult and eventually gave up. The remnant anguish from the fallout of the relationship has haunted her all these years and caused a lot of distress in her marriage between her and my father. I normally eschew spiritual business but this is one of those times where I don't quite feel like I'm going crazy. There may be a physically real aspect to spirituality--whatever it is, it is too uncanny to not be "non-supernaturalbullshit". Or maybe spirituality is merely an interconnected series of funny coincidences. The world is set up so that certain things just happen the way they do. Like they are meant to be.
 
niffer said:
Yes, this is exactly how I feel.

I feel like this is a really big lesson for my spirit, or something like that.

My mother once told me that "the same kind of person keeps reappearing in your life" ... presumably until the spirit of our lineage learns its lesson and is redeemed. My mother told me that when she was in her 20s, she met her "perfect match", whom she wrote letters back and forth with while they were studying a distance away from one another. She found it too difficult and eventually gave up. The remnant anguish from the fallout of the relationship has haunted her all these years and caused a lot of distress in her marriage between her and my father. I normally eschew spiritual business but this is one of those times where I don't quite feel like I'm going crazy. There may be a physically real aspect to spirituality--whatever it is, it is too uncanny to not be "non-supernaturalbullshit". Or maybe spirituality is merely an interconnected series of funny coincidences. The world is set up so that certain things just happen the way they do. Like they are meant to be.
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Good. I'm glad you're having the confidence to explore this.

Your Mom is right.
No. You're not going crazy. :tongue:

The reason you cannot make a mistake with this is because - prior to incarnating in this physical existence - you entered into a contract with the other person to do 'this' - whatever it is you're supposed to do. As long as you try your best to be authentic with this person all will go according to contract.

Even if you don't embrace the 'spiritual' aspect of this - deep in your heart you know there is something in that relationship just for you. I invite you to let go of conventional norms and have fun with this relationship.
 
Kgal said:
Good. I'm glad you're having the confidence to explore this.

Your Mom is right.
No. You're not going crazy. :tongue:

The reason you cannot make a mistake with this is because - prior to incarnating in this physical existence - you entered into a contract with the other person to do 'this' - whatever it is you're supposed to do. As long as you try your best to be authentic with this person all will go according to contract.

Even if you don't embrace the 'spiritual' aspect of this - deep in your heart you know there is something in that relationship just for you. I invite you to let go of conventional norms and have fun with this relationship.
Click to expand...

It feels a bit like the movie "Fight Club". I feel like I am being compelled to be "me"--something society may not want, something that may not even be good for the relationship to survive necessarily. I feel like I'm being mentally poked with hot sticks constantly from all sides, being made to "stay awake".
 
If this feels the right thing to do in your heart, then follow the impulse. However, don't pit your entire identity and hope for the future on this all working out to any kind of specifications. In other words, live your life and explore and grow as an individual around the goal of getting to Japan and meeting up with him. Be your own person in the meanwhile. Love yourself, challenge yourself to grow, expand and be open to experience. If it is meant to work out, it will. If not, well, like you said, you can't make a mistake in this. You will gain from this experience no matter what.

No matter what, you're going to be fine. :)
 
niffer said:
It feels a bit like the movie "Fight Club". I feel like I am being compelled to be "me"--something society may not want, something that may not even be good for the relationship to survive necessarily. I feel like I'm being mentally poked with hot sticks constantly from all sides, being made to "stay awake".
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Don't worry about whether the relationship will survive. It will be what it's supposed to be. Relax. You got this. :hug:

As for what society may or may not want from you....that's society's issue...not yours.
 
[MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION]

What society wants from me is a fatal issue because society is huge and I am tiny and essentially entirely dependent on society's desire to keep me around in order to keep existing.
 
niffer said:
@Kgal

What society wants from me is a fatal issue because society is huge and I am tiny and essentially entirely dependent on society's desire to keep me around in order to keep existing.
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I can see where you might be looking at it that way.

Still.... you are a strong woman and your empowerment will come to you as you strive to be You. :love:

Go forth and conquer!
 
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