No longer attracted to older men at all

Artemisia

Artemisia

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
I am 32 years old and until age 30, I was exclusively attracted to men who were a lot older than me. In my 20s, I dated guys who were in their 40s and even early 50s. At age 31, I found myself exclusively attracted to men who are around my age, plus or minus a few years. Now, I do not find myself being interested to men over age 42. So what is going on?

My dad passed away when I was 29 and I was always very close to him. I wonder if you INFJs on this forum have anything to say about this. What could have triggered this massive shift? Did I have daddy issues before and now that dad is gone, they are no longer here? Or could it be that the failured relationships with older men in the past made me go the opposite direction? I'm trying to sort this one out. All the women in my family save my aunt married men who were more than 5 years older than them.
 
Maybe you're just more aware of what people are like at different ages, and have enough experience to know what works and what doesn't. Sometimes, the novelty of dating someone older is intriguing, but then you have the experience, and it's not what you expected, and so you adjust your thought process to accept the reality, rather than stew in the fantasy of what you thought it would be.
 
Artemisia said:
I am 32 years old and until age 30, I was exclusively attracted to men who were a lot older than me. In my 20s, I dated guys who were in their 40s and even early 50s. At age 31, I found myself exclusively attracted to men who are around my age, plus or minus a few years. Now, I do not find myself being interested to men over age 42. So what is going on?

My dad passed away when I was 29 and I was always very close to him. I wonder if you INFJs on this forum have anything to say about this. What could have triggered this massive shift? Did I have daddy issues before and now that dad is gone, they are no longer here? Or could it be that the failured relationships with older men in the past made me go the opposite direction? I'm trying to sort this one out. All the women in my family save my aunt married men who were more than 5 years older than them.
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I identify with this. You probably were trying to fill the void of an older man in your life for some time. Or you were just young, and for whatever reason appreciated the company of older men. Maybe because men mature emotionally later than woman, maybe you were attracted to the perceived "authority" or success of older men. I was similar I believe because my dad became disabled when I was a teen. I think I was trying to replace a "strong" older man in my life (even though I am blessed that he was and still is in my life of course, but he was reliant on me in many ways rather than vise versa). It wasn't until I was almost exactly your age that I met my husband who is only 2 years older.
 
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PintoBean said:
I identify with this. You probably were trying to fill the void of an older man in your life for some time. Or you were just young, and for whatever reason appreciated the company of older men. Maybe because men mature emotionally later than woman, maybe you were attracted to the perceived "authority" or success of older men. I was similar I believe because my dad became disabled when I was a teen. I think I was trying to replace a "strong" older man in my life (even though I am blessed that he was and still is in my life of course, but he was reliant on me in many ways rather than vise versa). It wasn't until I was almost exactly your age that I met my husband is only 2 years older.
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Did this realization (that you are no longer into older men) cause some sort of an emotional crisis for a while? I remember having it last year, but this year, my emotional crisis is more about my own self-esteem rather than my aversion to much older men.
 
Artemisia said:
Did this realization (that you are no longer into older men) cause some sort of an emotional crisis for a while? I remember having it last year, but this year, my emotional crisis is more about my own self-esteem rather than my aversion to much older men.
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No, it was just kind of a sudden change. I met my husband and that's when "the change" happened. Maybe I would have loved him no matter if he was older or not. I felt calm and confident about loving him and never looked back at the silver foxes.
 
32 and early 50s is hardly "a lot " older than you.
 
Eventhorizon said:
32 and early 50s is hardly "a lot " older than you.
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Interesting. It's funny how when both people are older the age difference seems to be less of a deal. By the time I'm 32 my fiance will be almost 50 and yet we've been treated like shit by people we know yet have nearly the same difference in age. If anything our age difference is less yet I've had to hide this fact from my family since they are so damn judgmental about everything.
 
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drummergirlbk said:
Interesting. It's funny how when both people are older the age difference seems to be less of a deal. By the time I'm 32 my fiance will be almost 50 and yet we've been treated like shit by people we know yet have nearly the same difference in age.
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This is so true and i'm sorry you two are treated that way. It is such a stigma in our society but when the younger hits their 30's, it's not a big deal any more. I wonder what the reaction would be if the roles were reversed? An older woman and a younger man 20 years her junior?
 
Gist said:
So, what would you call "a lot"? Cuz 20 years sounds like a lot.
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Maybe it sounds like a lot but what are you basing your idea on? Your own perception or what society has lead you to believe?
 
Here is what I think. Each person you meet and enter into a relationship with, be it friend or romantic partner, is in your life because you have something to learn and they can teach you. Whatever you are searching for on the surface, underneath it all is the desire to develop into the most whole person you can be. If you are attracted to someone, for whatever reason, it is most likely because you haven't learned what you need to yet and that person has the key. The age of this person is irrelevant.
 
Eventhorizon said:
Maybe it sounds like a lot but what are you basing your idea on? Your own perception or what society has lead you to believe?
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My point was that 20 years is a significant generational difference. That amount of age can have an effect on how the couple interacts with each other. I am not sure how or why a simple remark like this gets turned into a judgment of couples with huge age differences.
 
Gist said:
My point was that 20 years is a significant generational difference. That amount of age can have an effect on how the couple interacts with each other. I am not sure how or why a simple remark like this gets turned into a judgment of couples with huge age differences.
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I asked two questions. Hardly judgment.
 
Was there anything more to the relationship than it being just a relationship? I mean, dating a guy that much older than you could lead to a large discrepancy in maturity, experience, or influence within the relationship (in terms of financial resources, being established in the community, etc.). Maybe now that you're older and more established yourself, you don't need older guys to offer you any of that and don't get any bonus from dating an older guy as a result? I can see the appeal of being with someone who it feels like can take care of you or who is more emotionally developed than you as well. Guys in their 20s usually can't offer that and tend to be pretty damn immature.

Not to mention that guys in their 20s are going to go for girls in their 20s whereas older guys know that they have almost no chance with a girl in her 20s, meaning that older guys feel luckier to be with a 20 something than guys in their 20s do.
 
Sounds like you were attracted to the 'idea' of an older man as opposed to the person himself. Perhaps you've matured enough to now look at the person as an individual and not a 'concept' that you are looking for.
I can tell you that, although there are some exceptions, most men who will date much younger women are not the mature ones and they are not looking for a serious long-term relationship.
 
La Sagna said:
Sounds like you were attracted to the 'idea' of an older man as opposed to the person himself. Perhaps you've matured enough to now look at the person as an individual and not a 'concept' that you are looking for.
I can tell you that, although there are some exceptions, most men who will date much younger women are not the mature ones and they are not looking for a serious long-term relationship.
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Nice. No bias there.
 
Eventhorizon said:
Nice. No bias there.
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Personal observation plus discussions on the subject with a number of men. The more mature ones that I have spoken to don't understand the appeal of a younger woman besides just outward appearance and wanting to feel like a 'stud'. I did say that there are some exceptions. It is one thing if someone happens to fall in love with somebody of a different age group that they know, but deliberately targeting a very different age group, like much younger women or older men, is about the 'concept' and how it makes you feel as opposed to the actual individual. People can do whatever they want, but it's a good idea to have your eyes open as to what the dynamic is.
 
invisible said:
Eric Dane will still be 42 for like more than 2 more months! go for it!
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I had to Google who that was, then I was like... oh. :lol:

Eric-Dane.jpg
 
La Sagna said:
Personal observation plus discussions on the subject with a number of men. The more mature ones that I have spoken to don't understand the appeal of a younger woman besides just outward appearance and wanting to feel like a 'stud'. I did say that there are some exceptions. It is one thing if someone happens to fall in love with somebody of a different age group that they know, but deliberately targeting a very different age group, like much younger women or older men, is about the 'concept' and how it makes you feel as opposed to the actual individual. People can do whatever they want, but it's a good idea to have your eyes open as to what the dynamic is.
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Dont agree with your "dynamic". I think its born from emotion. Why are most men only interested in younger women. Oh it must be looks alone because there cant be any connection other than that.
I could say any amount of hurtful things regarding older women and why men look past them that go far beyond appearance and all of them would be true. However I doubt they would be helpful in this instance so I wont.
 
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