patterns or trends in attraction
- Thread starter Gaze
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I have the most dysfunctional patterns, and I Think I'm finally starting to wise up to it!
I always go for guys who are unavailable....emotionally or otherwise. Sometimes in just about every way. The guys that need to be taken care of. That can't offer me anything, and ultimately treat me like crap. Funnily enough, all of my partners have looked reallly different from each other, so I Don't seem to have any physical "type".
I doubt this is an INFJ thing....maybe partly in the wanting to take care of your partner, but yeah. Thats me!
I always go for guys who are unavailable....emotionally or otherwise. Sometimes in just about every way. The guys that need to be taken care of. That can't offer me anything, and ultimately treat me like crap. Funnily enough, all of my partners have looked reallly different from each other, so I Don't seem to have any physical "type".
I doubt this is an INFJ thing....maybe partly in the wanting to take care of your partner, but yeah. Thats me!
Gaze
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I tend to be interested in persons who are not consistent. They are usually very charming and interesting but low stability. But I admire their free spiritedness, just that you can't build anything long term with that. And then you realize it's not going to last and wonder, whether it was a good idea to begin with but in the end, they're always great conversationalists. And they don't take life too seriously, which is a lesson which I could take from them.
knight in battle
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Radiantshadow
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Intelligent. Creative. Passionate about life & what they do with it. Intriguing, especially after I've known hir for a length of time. (I love puzzles and complexity.) Stable. Emotionally sensitive.
I'm sure there's more, but I'm out of myself at the moment and cannae think.
I'm sure there's more, but I'm out of myself at the moment and cannae think.
unpersons
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Notice any personal patterns or trends in who you are attracted to? Is it unconscious or deliberate?
INFPs and INFJs. Always these two. Totally unconscious. I thrive on cuteness and I guess they try really hard or something.
Notice any patterns or trends in who others types are attracted to? Any guess why?
No idea. I noticed that everyone tends to not like me, if that counts.
INFPs and INFJs. Always these two. Totally unconscious. I thrive on cuteness and I guess they try really hard or something.
Notice any patterns or trends in who others types are attracted to? Any guess why?
No idea. I noticed that everyone tends to not like me, if that counts.
Boys that are quieter and less frat boy-like than average, at least on regular days. But who are still confident, who get along with me well and are comfortable with joking and being themselves around me, with approx. the same level of openness as me. They might not talk a lot around others, but everything they say is gold, and they have the ability to speak the truth that reveals any foolishness going on around them for what it is. I find whenever I date really talkative guys I spend most of the time wishing they would just cork it. I like guys who have something nice to say about everyone, and who can generally be positive. I hate arrogance unless it's for the sake of joking around.
Gaze
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Notice any personal patterns or trends in who you are attracted to? Is it unconscious or deliberate?
This is interesting for me to consider now because I have been married a long time. I think I would look for a lot of the same things I did in the past; good sense of humor, not afraid to be vulnerable but also able to take charge, compassionate, not afraid to get their hands dirty but intelligent enough to handle the complexities of life, dependable, willingness to understand and deal with their emotions, independent, a strong sense of self, and similar values as mine (this is really important as it helps with the long haul of marriage), oh and outdoorsy, cause I like that stuff and it's fun to share it with someone.
My list is kinda long and I could probably even think of more stuff - uh oh. I have high expectations of people. I guess that goes along with the high expectations I have of myself. In a lot of ways I just described my husband. I think when I was younger a lot of my choices were unconscious though. I just kinda thought I like this guy, we get along, and we have fun together. I think I just got lucky - thank goodness. Now though I am much more aware of all the subtleties - the why's and the how's.
Notice any patterns or trends in who others types are attracted to? Any guess why? I notice patterns in my single friends choices. I don't force my opinion on them though unless they ask me for it or I ask if they would like my opinion. On rare occasions I might say something that wasn't invited if I see they are going to get really hurt and I want to protect them.
I think people tend to replicate their very first relationships in life. The people we develop those first bonds with. We find a lot of the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything else from our first relationships in our partners. I also think when we heal parts of ourselves from some of those first relationships our future relationships become much more fulfilling, authentic, and able to grow into new things. Just my thoughts.
This is interesting for me to consider now because I have been married a long time. I think I would look for a lot of the same things I did in the past; good sense of humor, not afraid to be vulnerable but also able to take charge, compassionate, not afraid to get their hands dirty but intelligent enough to handle the complexities of life, dependable, willingness to understand and deal with their emotions, independent, a strong sense of self, and similar values as mine (this is really important as it helps with the long haul of marriage), oh and outdoorsy, cause I like that stuff and it's fun to share it with someone.
My list is kinda long and I could probably even think of more stuff - uh oh. I have high expectations of people. I guess that goes along with the high expectations I have of myself. In a lot of ways I just described my husband. I think when I was younger a lot of my choices were unconscious though. I just kinda thought I like this guy, we get along, and we have fun together. I think I just got lucky - thank goodness. Now though I am much more aware of all the subtleties - the why's and the how's.
Notice any patterns or trends in who others types are attracted to? Any guess why? I notice patterns in my single friends choices. I don't force my opinion on them though unless they ask me for it or I ask if they would like my opinion. On rare occasions I might say something that wasn't invited if I see they are going to get really hurt and I want to protect them.
I think people tend to replicate their very first relationships in life. The people we develop those first bonds with. We find a lot of the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything else from our first relationships in our partners. I also think when we heal parts of ourselves from some of those first relationships our future relationships become much more fulfilling, authentic, and able to grow into new things. Just my thoughts.
yeah, I realize lately that I'm drawn to eccentric people, and people who have the same or similar idiosyncrasies as I do or similarly misfit as I am.I am unusual in my own way so I guess it makes sense that I'd be drawn to people who are also unusual or atypical. I'm kinda glad.
Eccentric. I have to add that to my list. I think every partner I have ever had has been eccentric. I even like the word eccentric.
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There've been short trends based on what I was going through at the time, but generally speaking:
-intelligent
-direct
-eager to please
It's mostly unconscious, and early on the girls I dated were those who simply told me they liked me. I've undoubtedly learned to hone in on these attractants.
-intelligent
-direct
-eager to please
It's mostly unconscious, and early on the girls I dated were those who simply told me they liked me. I've undoubtedly learned to hone in on these attractants.
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Oops forgot to answer these.
I've noticed these patterns from since I started liking boys around the preteen age, and it's not something I ever "worked out" in my head in order to have these preferences. I don't know what a "deliberate" form of being attracted to someone would be. Could you explain what you mean by that, [MENTION=1669]Ame[/MENTION] ?
It seems to me that in attraction there's always the elements of mystery and admiration. That's pretty obvious to say, and it's probably hardwired in us biologically (creating diversity in the gene pool, and wanting mates that make offspring with good traits to survive with). It probably also serves to humor us psychologically somehow, for a variety of reasons that differ for everyone. (again, being captain obvious)
Like for me, maybe I tend not to like guys who talk a lot and try to use their boldness to impress people because I don't like being constantly outdone or outshined, leaving me in the background, and I want someone who is more like my equal. It could be because I'm jealous or competitive or a control freak or something along those lines, or it could just be that I don't like the tackiness and assault to my senses to have to be around someone like that or associated with them all the time and don't want to be pulled into their world of superficial imaginary competition. The only guy that I took the time to date for a couple months who was like this was another ENFJ in high school. It was endless superficial conversation 24/7 (mostly with him telling stories about himself and seeming to take little interest in me or connecting with me), and while he was a cool guy and there was nothing wrong about him as a person, I found it difficult to establish emotional closeness with him. I really did think he was great, but I just wasn't feeling it with him. I've had similar feelings towards other guys (and people in general) that talk impersonally about themselves a lot (post-highschool too), even though a lot of it is probably because they're just nervous and want to impress me and in reality they want to connect but don't know how to do it. Or they are insecure and want to impress people in general, so they just rattle things from off the top of their heads. Or maybe they just really like to talk. Either way, I know that I'm going to have to tell them to shut up eventually, and they probably won't like that. /rant
I've noticed these patterns from since I started liking boys around the preteen age, and it's not something I ever "worked out" in my head in order to have these preferences. I don't know what a "deliberate" form of being attracted to someone would be. Could you explain what you mean by that, [MENTION=1669]Ame[/MENTION] ?
It seems to me that in attraction there's always the elements of mystery and admiration. That's pretty obvious to say, and it's probably hardwired in us biologically (creating diversity in the gene pool, and wanting mates that make offspring with good traits to survive with). It probably also serves to humor us psychologically somehow, for a variety of reasons that differ for everyone. (again, being captain obvious)
Like for me, maybe I tend not to like guys who talk a lot and try to use their boldness to impress people because I don't like being constantly outdone or outshined, leaving me in the background, and I want someone who is more like my equal. It could be because I'm jealous or competitive or a control freak or something along those lines, or it could just be that I don't like the tackiness and assault to my senses to have to be around someone like that or associated with them all the time and don't want to be pulled into their world of superficial imaginary competition. The only guy that I took the time to date for a couple months who was like this was another ENFJ in high school. It was endless superficial conversation 24/7 (mostly with him telling stories about himself and seeming to take little interest in me or connecting with me), and while he was a cool guy and there was nothing wrong about him as a person, I found it difficult to establish emotional closeness with him. I really did think he was great, but I just wasn't feeling it with him. I've had similar feelings towards other guys (and people in general) that talk impersonally about themselves a lot (post-highschool too), even though a lot of it is probably because they're just nervous and want to impress me and in reality they want to connect but don't know how to do it. Or they are insecure and want to impress people in general, so they just rattle things from off the top of their heads. Or maybe they just really like to talk. Either way, I know that I'm going to have to tell them to shut up eventually, and they probably won't like that. /rant
Gaze
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deliberate just meant whether you intentionally looked for partners with particular traits to date.
Gaze
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agree. not a fan of anyone I would have to compete with or someone who has to be the center of attention all the time, or who can't share the spotlight. That gets tired after a while. Or someone who does that tit for tat thing which is "I'll only do this if you do that". *rolls eyes* Either you want to do it or don't. Don't make it conditional.
[MENTION=3998]niffer[/MENTION],
"it's probably hardwired in us biologically (creating diversity in the gene pool, and wanting mates that make offspring with good traits to survive with)."
I have to say that I have never considered that before, but from the perspective of our species and evolution - that is pretty fascinating.
"Like for me, maybe I tend not to like guys who talk a lot and try to use their boldness to impress people because I don't like being constantly outdone or outshined, leaving me in the background, and I want someone who is more like my equal...it could just be that I don't like the tackiness and assault to my senses to have to be around someone like that or associated with them all the time and don't want to be pulled into their world of superficial imaginary competition...Either way, I know that I'm going to have to tell them to shut up eventually, and they probably won't like that."
I'm not an expert on this subject but I would think quite a few people on the planet would agree with you on this.
"it's probably hardwired in us biologically (creating diversity in the gene pool, and wanting mates that make offspring with good traits to survive with)."
I have to say that I have never considered that before, but from the perspective of our species and evolution - that is pretty fascinating.
"Like for me, maybe I tend not to like guys who talk a lot and try to use their boldness to impress people because I don't like being constantly outdone or outshined, leaving me in the background, and I want someone who is more like my equal...it could just be that I don't like the tackiness and assault to my senses to have to be around someone like that or associated with them all the time and don't want to be pulled into their world of superficial imaginary competition...Either way, I know that I'm going to have to tell them to shut up eventually, and they probably won't like that."
I'm not an expert on this subject but I would think quite a few people on the planet would agree with you on this.