Song lyrics. Anyone wanna have a look?

subwayrider

subwayrider

Into the White
MBTI
INFJ
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I wrote some song lyrics a while back. I haven't shown them to anyone, so I thought I'd do it here and get some feedback. Tell me what you think. You can even take a stab at interpretation, if you like!

"Eyes"

When I look at you
looking back at me
I see shadows lurking
behind dilated pupils

When I look at you
looking away from me
I see sun shining
through dirty windows

Here we go (x4)

When I look through you
and you know, but you don't
I'm filled like a balloon
both eyes closed now

When I look at you
looking back at me
I see shadows lurking
behind pinpoint pupils

Here we go (x4)

Again(x4)
 
It's interesting, but to make a proper assessment I would have to hear them with whatever music you might put them to. The genre/style of the music has an effect on how the lyrics are perceived by someone else who didn't write the song and is listening to it. How fast or slow the song is, what mood or effect you wish to create with the song with any given listener, things like that all have an impact on how the lyrics are perceived. This is my personal, unprofessional opinion. Take from it what you will.
 
Me likey.

I wonder, is this directed at oneself or someone else?
 
[MENTION=4598]hush[/MENTION]

it's about an experience I had with someone whose intentions I did not trust, though I wanted to. It's interesting thinking about it being directed at oneself. hmm...
 
we finally recorded it

[video=youtube;Eq47Xo8XKOM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq47Xo8XKOM&feature=channel_video_title[/video]
 
It's quite nice in many ways. However, I think you should speed it up a touch. Also, I think there's a bit too much discordance. Some discordance can be effective and nice, but too much discordance is.............too much discordance. Also, you might consider enunciating more clearly.

I like the whistling. Nice touch.
 
thanks. It's not nearly done yet, I know, so I will take any suggestions into consideration.
 
I can't think of any improvements..for now! lol I really like the tune/song. Has alot of depth/feeling to me. I think the pace of the song is just fine. thanks for sharing :) I will have to come back if I can pin point any suggestions.
 
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