The Bad Breakup-How do you end it?

Chessie

Chessie

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MBTI
INfJ
I'm currently involved in attempting to end a long relationship but my ex seems deeply determined to send both friends and aquaintances to attack me personally both socially and emotionally. I've never had a bad break-up before and this particular one involves a woman who he is close to who is extremely mentally ill. I don't think she would attack me bodily but she has no issue leaving me e-mails of a variety that are genuinely distressing.



My method right now is mostly just cutting them off completely. Ignoring them, going about my life, and making sure they can affect me as little as possible. I'm still hurt, pretty badly. I loved him. I supported him and when our relationship ended I did my best not to screw him over or make his life difficult. I let him keep all of his stuff at my place and keep his keys so he could come and go. I let him out of the lease five months early. I signed the title of his car over to him (we had a joint title for insurance reasons). I let him keep the 300 dollars worth of gifts I bought for his birthday the week before he broke up with me over the internet. I kept his mail for him and paid the insurance during the last two months.



He left me to go live with his wife that he was contemplating divorcing until I got pneumonia for about two weeks and she came to visit and I couldn't spend as much time with him. Sometime during that week she was here, they reconciled everything and he announced he was moving out and wanted a 'dual household'...except he'd live with her and not pay rent. I am a polyamorous person but that was stretching it, particularly when this decision was made without my input.


Now he's...attacking me. I have no idea what I did to warrant this much hate or having people like this sicced on me.


How do you end this kind of situation?
 
Good God.

Restraining order? Sounds extreme but it also sounds like you are being harassed and maybe abused. If he broke up with you why is he still bothering with you and trying to hurt you? Sounds like you let him off the hook with more than his fair share...
 
Sounds like the actions of a man acting out of insecurity. Maybe the wife needs an enemy image. A scapegoat. The reason for all that is wrong. And maybe he jumped on the bandwagon. I dunno, and at this point, it doesn't really matter.

What to do depends on how far you are willing to go. And if you want this to simply end or if you are out to "win".

The smartest thing to do is what you are doing already, cut all lines of communication. Ignore incoming mail. Change your phone number. See who your real friends are and discard the rest. All that negativity of theirs, whatever the reason for it may be, it will have nowhere to go but right back at em.
 
That last bit...see who your real friends are...is one of the hard parts. I discovered tonight a friend of mine I'd been confiding in has been passing messages. Tough thing. I don't want to win. I just want it to end.
 
That is a wise choice. I'm very sorry to hear about your friend, though. That sucks big time.
 
I'm sorry to hear that. Hope you could get away from it all. :|

I do wonder, what did your friends and acquaintances were told about you so that they turned your back against you? Are they mutual friends?

This sounds hard, but if what you did haven't really successful, and you want it to simply end, I really think you should talk to him. Talk to him, tie all the loose knots, and...deal with the consequences. That means ending it with a massive bang, though....
 
That must be awful. There's nothing you could have done to reasonably warrant that; their behaviour is not your fault.

Day-to-day practicality: My first thought was to ignore him and the others who are hurting you. Delete them from all of your social accounts, block their email addresses, don't pick up their calls, refuse to talk to them - just flat out refuse, and so on and so forth. Don't entertain any attempts at conversation, especially so early on. If they don't get anything for their efforts I imagine they will eventually stop trying. Having said that, if you feel you are being harassed and abused, including by your ex, or don't feel safe, perhaps a restraining order would be a better idea. If you're unsure, don't worry about inquiring.

In addition to the practical reality of putting this behind you, take care of yourself emotionally and mentally. That's the other half of the bargain, and oftentimes it's the much larger one. :hug:
 
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Just now, I'm focusing on watching a movie. At the point this woman's 17 year old daughter messaged me to call me names I realized that the crazy had reached a genuine crescendo and I blocked the lot of them. top to bottom.
 
Chessie said:
Just now, I'm focusing on watching a movie. At the point this woman's 17 year old daughter messaged me to call me names I realized that the crazy had reached a genuine crescendo and I blocked the lot of them. top to bottom.
Click to expand...

That really is a serious level of crazy right there. :suspicious:
I'm glad you are doing what you can to ignore them, that is really the only thing you can do.
 
Now seriously, I wondered who or what your ex-partner and his wife are and just WHAT did they do to move so much people.
I hope that this'll be over fast. >_<
 
I agree with the whole "ignore them" scenerio. However, watch out for yourself in the process. Have your locks changed. When you start seeing the hints of violent behavior, something is wrong and I wouldn't hesitate to call the police if the woman or her daughter show up at your place or anything. It is hard to maintain self control beneath a barage of negative energy but in the end, throwing yourself into the drama won't be healthy either. I would think that all the extraneous crap going on is also difficult because it is taking away from your ability to focus on getting over the breakup.
 
That's horrible and very confusing.. I don't understand why you're being targeted if he is the one who broke it off and you made every effort for things to remain amicable...

Were you to rise to defend yourself--if you meet them at their level and engage in insults and other crappy behavior you are giving them what they want. They want a reaction. People who love to fight get bored if there's no fight and then they give up.
Just be strong, you'll make it through this.
 
End any and all contact. Block all incoming channels by which engagement may occur. Focus on your own needs and to the best you are able, meet them.

And one more thing - change your locks NOW!


cheers,
Ian
 
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