MY GOD THAT SOUNDS TERRIFYING.
*hugsss*
Yes, most people would say that bad boy = crime / dubious activity.
I'd like to think that it only takes a certain edginess, a certain vibe to give you that look and aura and charisma.
And pfft at the usual 'save me, rescue me' trap they gave and took. PFFT.
There tend to be that vibe, also; that 'deep down inside'.... the breaking of expectations and the shattering of hypothesis.
That's a whole lot of experience, Cindy. I'm sorry it had to happen and I hope they both gave you lessons and wisdom for your current and future happiness.
Would you want to talk more about it?
It was just a small chunk of my life. I don't think its a pattern that will continue. I married right out of college to a good man and lost years of real world experience that others had...I just forgot about how the world was. I never attracted that type of man until that one relationship damaged me, then I became damaged and started to attract damaged men.
I pursued the first one. I saw him and wanted him and set out to get him. I got exactly what I deserved. I shouldn't have done it, but I thought he might be intimidated by me, he was 10 years older than I was and on the "nerdy" side so I presented myself as sorta vulnerable and pathetic...easy to get and lonely when that wasn't really the case. I wanted him to feel like he was still "catching" me, when I was really pulling all the strings. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. He was extremely intelligent, and I was impressed with his level of education and military service. I should have put the dots together, the time frames didn't add up and his words didn't add up but I didn't catch it at first, I just believed he was a good man and I wanted that person to be true soooo bad that I ignored several things. I made myself willfully naive. Once I got him he idealized me and it felt wonderful. I was hoooooked! Then, came the abuse and I had no idea what was happening to me. By then I was done. Done..any normal woman would have left and not stuck around for what was to come but...traumatic bonding...his claws were in me and he tortured me. It was hell on earth and there was no idealizing ever again. Nothing but little crumbs here and there just to keep my brain chemistry all effed up:
The body is programmed to release a series of chemicals at times of actual or perceived danger and times when traumatic memories are triggered. These chemicals are intended to help us respond in ways which will aid our survival, whether we "fight" the threat, "flee" from the threat, or "freeze" to prevent attack or deaden the pain from the inevitable attack. However, when traumatic events are completely overwhelming, are repeated too often, or are constantly triggered the very chemicals that are meant to help us begin to do harm to our bodies. For both men and women, repeated trauma or the repeated triggering of a trauma will actually teach our brains to be in a constant state of "fight, flight or freeze." As our brains are use-dependent, if they are constantly used to respond to trauma, that response becomes a person's "normal state", (Perry, 1997 & Carnes, 1997). For those who are stuck in a trauma bond, the trauma chemistry creates new brain pathways and becomes "normal" to the victims. Further, women are particularly susceptible to bonding to those who traumatize them. Women have their very own mixed blessing in the form of oxytocin. Oxytocin is referred to as the bonding hormone and is the chemical that starts the birth process. It is the reason any woman has a second child, as it prevents memory consolidation. If we were to fully remember the pain of childbirth, it is unlikely that we would repeat the experience. It is one of nature's ways of ensuring the continuation of our species. Oxytocin peaks for about 20 minutes after birth, which is why it has been advised to let a new mother be in physical contact with her baby during that time period, as it is critical to bonding.
While oxytocin is a great idea for childbirth, it's a liability for any abuse victim. If someone is violent to a woman, oxytocin is released and she will be less likely to have a consolidated memory of the abuse and she is very likely going to bond to her abuser. If there is no consolidated memory of the abuse, it is very hard to think and act rationally about the event. If the abuser is the only one present after the abuse, the victim is likely to form a stronger bond to him.
Its the only way I can explain how I stayed, as I was a woman with self respect...why did I keep coming back for more? I showed all the signs of PTSD. I got myself into therapy and made a plan of escape with the least amount of trauma to myself possible. I slowly began to untie the mental knots he had around me and began to slowly make my way through the web I was so firmly implanted. I studied as much as I could about psychology, pathological psychology, abuse, evil, and human behavior in general so I could observe what was happening...but I got even sicker. His control over me disappeared but I stuck around just a little bit longer because for whatever reason...i was interested..here I was witnessing human evil. I observed it with this knowledge for several months, more than half of a year. Now that I knew what he was, I knew how to manipulate him and I did. I turned into the abuser a little bit although it was never really cruel...I just considered him my lab rat at that point. My little case study. I knew all of his defenses and all of his tricks. I got a glimpse into the mind of a sociopath... I don't even talk about the details of the darkness of it because I'm afraid. I don't want to even experience the feelings of it again to really type it out or even go there. I'm just not ready to really get into that one. It will drain the hell out of me and when I'm done typing this I need to get back to work. Even thinking about going into it gives me the creeps. Have you ever got close to someone only to realize there is nothing, absolutely nothing on the inside? The walking dead. A living vampire. Vampires have all but lost their appeal. Women out there think the idea of vampire is so so so sexy...touch rotting flesh lately? Want to have sex with a dead, cold corpse? Its the same idea to me mentally to get involved with a man like that. It is the same repulsion and ick factor of an actual dead person.
Poor man #2 comes along...I still had/have PTS symptoms and I analyzed his behavior, poor guy. He was charming and extremely manipulative and controlling but I knew it. I went in with both eyes open, and he was 99% completely honest with me about his past, he didn't sugar coat who he was...I still chose to stick around. I don't feel things quite like I should anymore which is why the intense relationship with him was so satisfying (as was the sex) I enjoyed almost every minute of it. I noticed his push/pull behavior right away. I remember kinda smiling to myself when I first noticed the behavior and how good it felt to feel that little bit of pain..the rush...sit back and enjoy the ride, Cindy. I knew he was a high-functioning borderline before he told me he was diagnosed. Isn't it crazy I still stuck around after that? I was for SURE SURE SURE when I texted him goodbye once and he responded with "Is that some kind of suicide threat" lol, who thinks goodbye means I want to DIE? Lol, I knew his mindset. I got to view his primitive defense mechanisms and got to find out who he really was...at least who he thought he was by his projections during his rage episodes. I never took any of it personally, though I would pretend I would. "How could you treat me so terribly!"..I'd say after he verbally abused me. Is it really abuse if you don't feel abused? I would bask in the idealization phase and then like the rush of a roller coaster just sit back and experience the pain and the rush of the devaluation phase. Then, unfortunately I heard one projection... "you don't love me and you never will". I knew deep down in my heart that this man didn't really love me, he was addicted to me and what he had wasn't really love. I was ready to be healthy again but I knew I was still addicted to the rush and the flooding of chemicals that this relationship was providing me. He said to me once "I have ruined you. No one will ever love you like I've loved you and you know it. No one will ever satisfy you like I do." and that scared me because I knew if I stuck around too long there was a possibility that could be the truth! If I stuck around too long, would my brain be so changed that I had to be in that dynamic forever? I tried so hard to get him to get help for his borderline and he was in treatment but man...his ego was huge, his superego way over developed. I would see a glimpse here and there of the real man underneath it all only to get gobbled up by the dark of his own defenses and the demons of his egos. I imagine that is what hell is like sometimes...hell for the sociopath deserved; hell for the borderline an unfortunate but a chosen path. Its not like that path is going to lead anywhere else, but he won't get off it. At this point I believe it was a conscious decision to stay on the path, as he knows what is right but just doesn't DO IT. I knew I had to get off it though; there was only one place that path went...there wasn't two destinations. There was only one destination on that road and I wasn't going there with him, even though I wanted to. He would say to me..."if you jump, I jump!" and and I believed the same..if he was going to fall, then I will too. It was like the type of love that was in movies...or songs...but does anyone really really go through with jumping with that person?
The lyrics to the song "without you" by breaking benjamin is an exact replica of the emotions of that relationship
All I have is one last chance
I won't turn my back on you
Take my hand, drag me down
If you fall then I will too
And I can't save what's left of you
Swallow me under and pull me apart
I understand, there's nothing left
Pain so familiar and close to the heart
No more, no less, I won't forget
Come back down, save yourself
I can't find my way to you
And I can't bear to face the truth
Holding the hand that holds me down
I forgive you, forget you, the end
Holding the hand that holds me down
I forgive you, forget you, the end
Or I was Alice and He was Humpty Dumpty...I, Alice knowing the outcome of poor Humpty.
'Why do you sit out here all alone?' said Alice, not wishing to begin an argument.
'Why, because there's nobody with me!' cried Humpty Dumpty. 'Did you think I didn't know the answer to that? Ask another.'
'Don't you think you'd be safer down on the ground?' Alice went on, not with any idea of making another riddle, but simply in her good-natured anxiety for the queer creature. 'That wall is so very narrow!'
'What tremendously easy riddles you ask!' Humpty Dumpty growled out. 'Of course I don't think so! Why, if ever I did fall off — which there's no chance of — but if I did —' Here he pursed up his lips, and looked so solemn and grand that Alice could hardly help laughing. 'If I did fall,' he went on, 'the King has promised me — ah, you may turn pale, if you like! You didn't think I was going to say that, did you? The King has promised me — with his very own mouth — to — to —'
'To send all his horses and all his men,' Alice interrupted, rather unwisely.
'Now I declare that's too bad!' Humpty Dumpty cried, breaking into a sudden passion. 'You've been listening at doors — and behind trees — and down chimneys — or you couldn't have known it!'
'I haven't indeed!' Alice said very gently. 'It's in a book.'
'Ah, well! They may write such things in a book,' Humpty Dumpty said in a calmer tone. 'That's what you call a History of England, that is. Now, take a good look at me! I'm one that has spoken to a King, Iam: mayhap you'll never see such another: and, to show you I'm not proud, you may shake hands with me!' And he grinned almost from ear to ear, as he leant forwards (and as nearly as possible fell off the wall in doing so) and offered Alice his hand. She watched him a little anxiously as she took it. 'If he smiled much more the ends of his mouth might meet behind,' she thought: 'And then I don't know what would happen to his head! I'm afraid it would come off!'
'Yes, all his horses and all his men,' Humpty Dumpty went on. 'They'd pick me up again in a minute, they would!
And that is that. Its over. He's broken and all the kings horses and all the kings men...we know the end.
Wow...that was cheaper than psychotherapy. I don't really expect anyone to read all of that that but it felt good to type all of that out...for whatever reason. Just a small portion of my life, just a little bit of it. It does not define my relationships, I've had more normal healthy relationships than I have unhealthy. It just is what it is.
I don't think this pattern will continue. I chose to be with both men, but it isn't a lifelong pattern, at least not yet. Most of the men I've been with have been good, and I'm not in the least bit bitter towards men at all. I wasnt' looking for anythign serious when i was with these guys, I was looking for fun. Had I only allowed myself to date with a forever mindset...I would have never dated those men.
Anyway...that felt good...I think I'm done.
,and cindylou do not feel ashamed in any way ,because i needed this conversation too , and from what i see tere is no doubt about you being a infj. Now to say you have no guts i find that hard to belive because you just shared something very personal , 
