The Friendship Continuum

NiennaLadyOfTears

NiennaLadyOfTears

Goth Hobbit Lass
Donor
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
I was just wondering about something with INFJs and friendships.

All my life I seem to have had an interesting friendship continuum. For instance, I have had four best friends in my life- all guys, and interestingly, all romantic interests at some point or another- and then I seem to have a huge gap between my best friends and those I deem to be merely acquaintances. There are very very few people that I would put somewhere between "acquaintance" and "best friend". I can count two of them, and I know a LOT of people because I used to participate in speech and debate. These two are also guys; one of them was a good friend of mine in childhood but due to lack of contact has slid almost down to acquaintance level (but not quite) and the other one is a friend who is turning into a good friend/possible housemate.

I've been to schools outside of my own country and know people from other countries. They were very small schools, where the opportunity to make good friends was very high, but I never seemed to click with anybody. So while I know a lot of people I have very few people I would say are friends.

Anyway of these four gents, the only one that's still on the "best friend" list is my husband. One of them is my late fiance (the one who died the night of our wedding rehearsal) and the other two were pseudo relationships that weren't going to work out. I still talk to one frequently, and the other has almost dropped out of my contacts. I try to talk to him but he doesn't get online much so it doesn't end up happening.

Perhaps my standards of who I consider to be a friend are too high. For instance, the person needs to know about a disorder I have that pretty much altered my personality because of ways I had to cope with it. (I have trichotillomania; if you're interested look it up. At any rate I used to be an active, bubbly girl but when I lost my hair I had to stop going to swim parties, playing volleyball with others, etc. or else my wig would get knocked off, as I discovered the hard way.)

At any rate, a person who is on my Friends list needs to a) know I have the disorder, b) accept me even though I have it, and c) find some other activities to do that won't risk me getting scalped. Most people end up stopping somewhere before A: they have figured out I wear a wig but because of that they don't seem to want ME for a friend. If I do somehow merit an invite to a party it's usually something like a beach party (I've had a wig float out to sea before; that stopped me going to the beach) or volleyball (which ended up equally as disastrous) or something else. The people who end up on my best friends list are actually people who have a) seen me without the wig, either on accident or I allowed them to and they were very supportive, AND b) helped get attention away from me during an "accident" while I hid to put it back on.


At any rate, here's the question: Does anyone else here have a huge gap between people on their "acquaintance" list and people on their "best friend" list? What is your reason why? Is it an INFJ thing, or is it a natural response to something that happened in your life?
 
I think it's an infj thing. There is a giant gap and then a mountain and then another gap between a friend and an acquaintance for me, too. There always was. Since Kindergarten. I've had 4 people I honestly consider to be friends since Kindergarten. Relationships that lasted up to 10 years, and when 3 of them ended it was because of something outside of our control. Moving away. Getting married to a husband that was not comfortable with such a good male friend, and dying.
 
Same way, though I have gotten "better" at being so-so friends with others in clubs and such at school - but doesn't mean it isn't "better" to not have it be like that of course.

Though maybe they could be considered aquantences. I certainly don't go out of my way to hang out or be around them. They seem to like me, and we enjoy each other's company when we are around each other but I find it hard to really dedicate myself to a srs "friendship" with them. The only time we meet is when they have something going on like a game or movie night, and if I feel motivated enough to attend.
 
Yeah, I thought it was just me :D Either I click with someone really fast, or hardly at all.
 
I feel the same way. I think if I don't feel an immediate strong connection, I assume I'm just not their cup of tea and I end up too self conscious and reserved to get very close.
 
It is definitely the same for me. All my other acquaintances I never make any sort of effort to talk to really. I have one best friend who has been my best friend since the 6th grade and one online friend who has been my best online friend since I was 19, and they are the two friends I have had the longest.

Also I wanted to say, you are the only other person I know of other than my best friend since the 6th grade who has trichotillomania. I guess I felt like throwing it out there just so you know that there might be more people that know of it than you think. I've seen first hand how it can affect someone and how other people tend to respond to it since it is something not many people know about, and I definitely think awareness of it should be raised, if not only so those suffering through it know they are not alone.
 
Yes, mine's actually one of the worst cases of trichotillomania that is documented. :/

I think it really did affect my ability to make friendships; although my cousin said something about my disorder to people I was trying to make my friends, I guess they wouldn't have been true friends anyway though at the time I thought she had ruined it.

I think a big part of the equation is that as INFJs we give all our loyalty to our friends and would give anything for them and as such we're not the kind to call just anyone our friend. If that makes any sense.
 
I'm unsure of my MBTI, but I can say that it's pretty hard for me to make "best friends" in the sense of letting people completely in. I have one person who I would consider my best friend, but I can only handle him in doses. If it's just him and me it's fine, but once certain other friends enter the mix we end up fighting. Actually, I think he's the only person I've ever physically fought which is strange, but we have a strange friendship.

Anyway, I have an incredibly hard time letting people in. I have a decently large group of friends who I wouldn't find it weird to call up and hang out with, somewhere around 20 or so. I also have a really large number of acquaintances, but for me to feel comfortable enough to consider someone a "friend" I have to spend a decent amount of time getting to know them, and how they work.

I think in the end I am a really guarded person and put up my guard for almost everyone in almost any situation. A lot of it probably has to do with the fact that I'm pretty turmoilious on the inside, and kinda all over the place. I have a hard enough time following my fleeting feelings and ideas that I get really defensive about showing my inner conflicts and randomness to other people. I guess I'm afraid that it wouldn't be accepted. I can be 100% honest with my 'best friend' and in my writing, but I have great difficulty expressing everything with honesty elsewhere.
 
I'm very much like this. I have a handful of very close friends who know I'd lie down in traffic for them and a wide, wide circle of distant acquaintances who...well, they probably also know I'd lie down in traffic for them, but not as readily as the close friends. The close friends are people I speak to often and relate to greatly. I clicked with all of them with nearly-supernatural speeds and we've rarely had major disagreements.

Acquaintances are mostly friends I met through friends or people who actively sought my friendship, but who I'd long-since grown awkward to. I'll gladly hang out with most of them, but I'm not as comfortable randomly calling them up to do so. For the most part, I know their personalities well, but I don't remember all of the trivial details that I remember about friends that are closer.

So all in all, I don't keep acquaintances horribly far from my heart, but I probably wouldn't feel the impact if they just disappeared into oblivion. They're just...familiar. So yeah, I guess so.
 
I think this may be more about Introspection than the INFJ type as a whole. Possibly an IxxJ combo because it also requires distinction and definition. It's not as if the best friend label is thrown around.
I'm only saying this because I feel like this way all the time. I have a lot (well, my definition of a lot isn't that many) of people I will talk to/hang around with in a group. Still, I'm not about to spill my world to them. Then there is the Dirty Dozen, who are my best friends, and finally my Favorite.
 
IndigoSensor said:
I thought you said you had alopecia?
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I am sorry for the minor lie back when I first started posting but I have found that saying that you have alopecia is generally more accepted than when you say you have trichotillomania. With alopecia, people who know what it is know that you can't help but lose your hair, with trichotillomania, people just ask, "well, why don't you just stop doing it" when there is really no way you can. :/

I have lost acceptance so much that I was afraid that I would on this forum setting as well because of it.
 
I think genreally INFJ's are the most accepting people out there as long as you don't act against someone with an unjust cause :)

I certainly wouldn't care if someone had your condition or not. If anything, I think it makes them more of an interesting and more appealing person to get to know in my eyes. For me the best people to get to know out there can be those who don't have it all 100% peachy in some way or another growing up or currently.

Though I am 20, so most people my age who "have it all" tend to be spoiled immature fratboy/girl types who go to drinking parties and wacky social events all the time, which REALLY isn't my thing. I mean, I love parties and being in groups, but drinking parties are lame as hell! When you have to rely on lots of alchohol to have fun at a party, then that's pretty dumb.
 
I categorize the levels of my relationships in circles. Starting with a small circle and working outward.
In the first circle is me and my husband. He's in the circle with me because, he knows me completely. There are no walls, he sees the full extent of my personality for better or worse.

The second circle, is the family circle. They are not all relatives. There is my best friend who I call my sister. She is more family than just a friend and we are both only children with our family in other states, so we have adopted each other as sisters. My step children, and my parents are in this circle as well.

The third circle is the true friends, the kindred spirits. These are my friends that i feel comfortable around that I have known for years and years. I can cry in front of them I can spill my guts to them (not all of my guts but most). They have seen me at my worst and still love me and vice versa. I'd say this circle has about 5 people in it right now.

Fourth Circle is my extended family. People I love and would do anything for, but I may not be that close to. I may not talk to them that much but I've loved them my whole life and the sense of loyalty is always there.

Fifth Circle people who's company i enjoy but I don't have deep emotional ties to. I'd say this is the only group I don't have deep emotional ties to.
 
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Whiskey said:
I categorize the levels of my relationships in circles. Starting with a small circle and working outward.
In the first circle is me and my husband. He's in the circle with me because, he knows me completely. There are no walls, he sees the full extent of my personality for better or worse.
The second circle, is the family circle. They are not all relatives. There is my best friend who I call my sister. She is more family than just a friend and we are both only children with our family in other states, so we have adopted each other as sisters. My step children, and my parents are in this circle as well.
The third circle is the true friends, the kindred spirits. These are my friends that i feel comfortable around that I have known for years and years. I can cry in front of them I can spill my guts to them (not all of my guts but most). They have seen me at my worst and still love me and vice versa. I'd say this circle has about 5 people in it right now.
Fourth Circle is my extended family. People I love and would do anything for, but I may not be that close to. I may not talk to them that much but I've loved them my whole life and the sense of loyalty is always there.
Fifth Circle people who's company i enjoy but I don't have deep emotional ties to. I'd say this is the only group I don't have deep emotional ties to.
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I see what you mean, I really only have 1,2 and 5 circles though.

And really there's 1 person in 1, 2 or 3 in 2, and everyone else (including my family, except for one cousin) is in 5.
 
NiennaLadyOfTears said:
I see what you mean, I really only have 1,2 and 5 circles though.

And really there's 1 person in 1, 2 or 3 in 2, and everyone else (including my family, except for one cousin) is in 5.
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I'd say the gap between 4 and 5 is pretty wide because it goes from love to lets go to a baseball game. But not as wide as what you are talking about.

I used to feel differently about my family. I had lots and lots of issues with my family. I blocked my emotion towards them . Five or so years ago I'd probably have most of them in 5 too. But different events in my life have changed me and that's how it is for me now. I've discovered how to let go of most of the hurt and love my family as they are.

BTW in regards to your trichotillomania. I find it very sad that people have rejected friendships with you because of the disorder. I am not surprised that they have, because people flat out suck sometimes, but it's a sad reflection on the majority of humanity.

From what I've seen so far on this forum, you seem like a nice person. That should really be all that matters.
 
The people I feel comfortable enough with to strike up a conversation with are my acquantiances. I'd say I have about 10 acquaintances at this time, and 25 or so in my entire life.

The two people I hang out with often are my good friends, but I don't feel like I can be 100% myself around them. I've had very few good friends in my life. I'd estimate 5 or so.

My best friends is who I hang out with the most and feel like I can be completely myself around. I've had about 12 best friends in my life.
 
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