Understanding myself, my relationship, and the best course of action...

H

hitchcos

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
2
Alright I suppose that was a little long lol. I will try to keep it to a few lines this time.

I feel very conflicted in my current relationship. I feel like I spend a lot of time reassuring and being supportive and loving to my partner, but I do not feel it reciprocated nor do I feel like it makes a difference to her. She has incredibly low self-esteem and is very paranoid that I'm going to run off with someone else regardless of how many times I reassure her. We just got into another fight about it and I am losing hope; she is very very needy and I don't know what to do.

Where is the line where building someone up and trying to help them through self-doubts becomes harmful to myself? She is seeking professional help but I am still her only support through this and it is starting to wear on me. Please give me some advice on what I should do.
 
Last edited:
I revised it, so here is a bump for those of you who may have looked at it and immediately closed it due to its length.
 
hitchcos said:
Alright I suppose that was a little long lol. I will try to keep it to a few lines this time.

I feel very conflicted in my current relationship. I feel like I spend a lot of time reassuring and being supportive and loving to my partner, but I do not feel it reciprocated nor do I feel like it makes a difference to her. She has incredibly low self-esteem and is very paranoid that I'm going to run off with someone else regardless of how many times I reassure her. We just got into another fight about it and I am losing hope; she is very very needy and I don't know what to do.

Where is the line where building someone up and trying to help them through self-doubts becomes harmful to myself? She is seeking professional help but I am still her only support through this and it is starting to wear on me. Please give me some advice on what I should do.
Click to expand...



First off, welcome to the forum. It's hard to pour the time and effort into new members posts because we get a lot of here today gone tomorrow types in here. That said, I'll give it a shot. Unless you are prepared to be the inadequate god of your partner indefinitely she is going to need to connect with something (other than you) to give her a sense of purpose, value, and hope for the future. If your time spent is not yielding results you could consider stuff like http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ (The five love languages) to make sure you are communicating your affection on the most effective frequency.

I'm torn on the idea of her not being able to meet your needs. On one side I'm like "Love is give and take and she should meet some of your needs" but on the other side I'm like "She is struggling and needs help and it's not fair to expect her to function as if she isn't".

Professional help is great. I'm glad to hear she is making an effort and that you are supporting that process. Here is the controversial part but it works for me and millions of others. I think she could benefit from a relationship with Jesus Christ and from getting connected with a local church where other humans will care about her and hopefully share the burden of meeting some of her needs until she can stand with Jesus and you on her own two feet. Whatever you do, don't just keep repeating a process that is not working cause that's insane. Just my opinion though. Wish you guys the very best.
 
Thank you for the welcome and I can appreciate that. You can't please everyone! :P Thank you for your comment; neither myself nor her are remotely interested in religion, but I appreciate/respect your outlook on life. And I am 20 and she is 19.
 
If it weren't for a few details (neither of you being religious, your ages, professional help) I'd think you were my husband describing me. I'm an ESTJ (I think???) and joined this forum to better understand my INFJ husband. Unfortunately I don't think I can give you much help, but I wish you luck in finding answers. I know that accepting that Jesus loves and cares for me was a huge step in the right direction, and everyone around me has seen it. (I'd be curious to see the original long post...)
Anyway, Welcome :)
 
you partner needs to build a life independent of you in order for her to have any self esteem at all. you must let her do that by not always making things easier or right for her. surely her therapist has talked to her about co dependency and what healthy expectations are in any relationship.
if not, perhaps she should be seeing someone else?
 
Ok, I did read your post and it was very long. Actually I have tried to reply to your post a couple times now, but I don't think I'm great at giving relationship advice. I keep coming back to your thread though, because it seems like you are at an important cross-roads in your life.

The harsh, heartless side of me says: you need to make it clear to her that you do care for her, but you have many things going on in your life right now where you need to focus more on YOUR development. You are halfway through a college degree with excellent grades, about to go on an adventure (as you say) in the military; she must be secure in your relationship for it to work out while you tend to your own needs. The age you are at is full of new experiences, questions, and yes, some temptations. Even if both of you make the best effort, it might not work out. That is life. You need to ask her if she wants to try make it work under the terms that benefit BOTH of you... And ask yourself the same question.
 
JGirl said:
if not, perhaps she should be seeing someone else?
Click to expand...

Her sessions only just started; she is on spring break right now (so no meeting this week) and last week was her first real session, apart from the meet and greet/privacy disclosure appointment. She has limited options anyway; it is all through the school itself because her insurance would not cover it. We'll just have to see how it goes...

MikeINvalid said:
The harsh, heartless side of me says: you need to make it clear to her that you do care for her, but you have many things going on in your life right now where you need to focus more on YOUR development. You are halfway through a college degree with excellent grades, about to go on an adventure (as you say) in the military; she must be secure in your relationship for it to work out while you tend to your own needs. The age you are at is full of new experiences, questions, and yes, some temptations. Even if both of you make the best effort, it might not work out. That is life. You need to ask her if she wants to try make it work under the terms that benefit BOTH of you... And ask yourself the same question.
Click to expand...

I greatly appreciate this; this approach had been what I knew was the correct/most logical thing to do. I just don't want to give her up if it doesn't make the most sense. I know that you read the original post but for those of you who missed it: we have been through a lot together and she counts on me to support her, perhaps unfairly but it is justified. She lost her mother due to a sudden illness about a year ago and is still recovering (naturally). I would have a very hard time letting go of her when I know that she needs me so much.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top