What does commitment mean for you?

[Ciergan]

Note: If this topic is better in the monogamy thread, feel free to merge it. For the moment, this seems to be more specific in nature.

My four-week stint with someone ended with a terse argument on the phone (lots of fishy things going on with this person, but that's another story). The interesting thing I heard before she called me a bunch of contradictory things was, "Why are you laissez-faire about this? How can I trust you if you don't have a commitment?"

This was in response to me saying I choose to respect and love everyone regardless of my relationship with them. As an INFJ, this simply goes back to my desire to help the human race out however I can. That sense of connection on a deeper level (if not the day-to-day one) means I put a great deal more thought and effort into social interactions than some...perhaps even many on a given day. It's helped me a great deal with my work as a therapist; I've received feedback about my ability to meet the client where he/she is coming from and guide him/her to better lines of thinking.

But the question remains a good one (or at the very least, I'm easily amused). What does commitment mean for an INFJ? Much of my perceived aloofness ironically doesn't come from reservations about the other person in a relationship. At that point, I've already perceived something about the other person that makes me want to spend time with her, which often means I'm more free to express myself. It's the other person who may have to play catch-up. I read one member here say that he often "wears his heart on his sleeve" around his female friends. But that's the thing: if we've already accepted the other person for who he/she is, is it possible that that unconditional love can take away from what makes the relationship special? On that note, I'm curious to hear how INFJ-INFJ relationships work if both parties are accepting at the relationship's beginnings. Does that mean the relationship can blossom much more quickly than others?

 

[Trifoilum]

I understand the person's frustrations; as an INFJ I think it's easy to us to take a bystander perspective on most things impersonal. Especially when people involved aren't close enough, or their beliefs aren't in synch with ours. Your particular words, furthermore can have a hidden meaning of, "I don't give much damn to whatever they are doing". That sense of detachment with the typical nice and supportive and sympathetic attitude of INFJs can be seen as laissez-faire (channeling ESTP shadow? XD) and, well, uncaring. Disengaged.

It can be frustrating.

For me in person (not as INFJ), commitment means a lot, but especially to drudge and fight at the lowest, flattest, most unsatisfactory phase in life. Whether it for a person, for yourself, everything; because you still find it worth the fight, worth the scars and worth the troubles. However there seems to be an unspoken understanding that commitment is part of emotions; a.k.a you have to be emotionally engaged.

if we've already accepted the other person for who he/she is, is it possible that that unconditional love can take away from what makes the relationship special?
On that note, I'm curious to hear how INFJ-INFJ relationships work if both parties are accepting at the relationship's beginnings. Does that mean the relationship can blossom much more quickly than others?

In a way, it's a basis, really. We improve together, but a sense of acceptance towards that someone's being -now- is important to build a special relationship. An early acceptance without improvement becomes boring quickly, and early attempts of improvement without acceptance will lead to dissatisfaction.
And, yes. At least for the basis. Surviving against ennui and boredom and dissatisfaction is another thing.

 

[Gaze]

But that's the thing: if we've already accepted the other person for who he/she is, is it possible that that unconditional love can take away from what makes the relationship special?

yes, because love in some sense is conditional in it's own way. If you treat everyone the same, then they're likely to think "what makes me more special than anyone else" coming from the perspective of a romantic partner. I would have the same issue. I would appreciate that person's care for everyone but on the other hand, I want to know that I'm seen and treated differently than everyone else especially if I'm in a relationship with the person.

 

[Sriracha]

[MENTION=2172]Trifoilum[/MENTION] Very nicely stated.

In addition:
I don't think there is a clear definition of commitment that can be generalized for all INFJs. We are all a product of our environment and define by experience. My definition of commitment is much the same as [MENTION=2172]Trifoilum[/MENTION]. I wouldn't fall in love with someone who professes to love others easily ... knowing that loving can progress to romantic love, etc. To me it means they can easily move from person to person, that I would not be worth the time or that I would not be good enough (why would I form an attachment to someone who I KNEW was going to break it?) So in some way, I can empathize for this "lady". She needs something more secure to hold on to. At the same time, if it is not your nature to be that secure man ... kudos to you for admitting it.

I'm curious to hear how INFJ-INFJ relationships work if both parties are accepting at the relationship's beginnings. Does that mean the relationship can blossom much more quickly than others?

I believe it could. I believe and INFJ-INFJ relationship would be incredibly beautiful. I believe they are the sweet old couple holding hands walking in the park.

 

[Ciergan]

"Well, why did you choose me in the first place?"

"Because ah want to eff-urm mah love fer mankand. It's jest nace, you know?"

"Buuuut why did you want to go out with me?"

"Because...because...uh oh...I wanted to have a partner and I'm lonely?"

"Try thinking about why you're attracted to someone first instead of living in your head."

 

[Trifoilum]

"Well, why did you choose me in the first place?"

"Because ah want to eff-urm mah love fer mankand. It's jest nace, you know?"

"Buuuut why did you want to go out with me?"

"Because...because...uh oh...I wanted to have a partner and I'm lonely?"

"Try thinking about why you're attracted to someone first instead of living in your head."

Now -THAT- is a proof of something, no? *wink*

 

[grt$5vb]

I have had only bad experiences 3 times trying to connect with male INFJs. Not a good pairing for me, personally. One said, "I want to make love to you, but I can't date you, because we're too similar." Awesome. :/

For me, among other things, I think commitment is making someone your top priority.

 

[Trifoilum]

I have had only bad experiences 3 times trying to connect with male INFJs. Not a good pairing for me, personally. One said, "I want to make love to you, but I can't date you, because we're too similar." Awesome. :/

Dating someone with the same MBTI as you is pretty understandably scary and risky, in its own way. When you start to (erroneously?) think of MBTI = personality, and you look at yourself and thinking that "damn, I'm vicious/manipulative/easilypissedoff/boring/grudging/whiny/etc"...and then you look at them. Not exactly a good picture, no?
Of course, the attitude that you -know- what the cookie contains, only because the 'flavor' is the same might be pretty assumptive for some. One might have a nut and another don't.

It also goes twofold; it's like the alternative issue of 'dating yourself'; would you want to date 'yourself'? Some people answered no to that question, and by extension...the status might be expanded. Especially for INFJs, who might want to protect the other from the ugly side of themselves, which being a fellow INFJ, might be easier to be seen.

OH. And there's an issue of twofold code. The similarities, while not all, are -there-. So when two people of the same kind explodes... And if the two people just so happened to be an INFJ..... AND if there are indeed similarities to one's own attitude / behavior / psyche...... Again, not pretty,

Of course, it depends on the person and the combi. Sometimes it's wonderful. Other times it's not.

I'm sorry that happened to you though *hugs*

 

[grt$5vb]

Dating someone with the same MBTI as you is pretty understandably scary and risky, in its own way. When you start to (erroneously?) think of MBTI = personality, and you look at yourself and thinking that "damn, I'm vicious/manipulative/easilypissedoff/boring/grudging/whiny/etc"...and then you look at them. Not exactly a good picture, no?
Of course, the attitude that you -know- what the cookie contains, only because the 'flavor' is the same might be pretty assumptive for some. One might have a nut and another don't.

It also goes twofold; it's like the alternative issue of 'dating yourself'; would you want to date 'yourself'? Some people answered no to that question, and by extension...the status might be expanded. Especially for INFJs, who might want to protect the other from the ugly side of themselves, which being a fellow INFJ, might be easier to be seen.

OH. And there's an issue of twofold code. The similarities, while not all, are -there-. So when two people of the same kind explodes... And if the two people just so happened to be an INFJ..... AND if there are indeed similarities to one's own attitude / behavior / psyche...... Again, not pretty,

Of course, it depends on the person and the combi. Sometimes it's wonderful. Other times it's not.

I'm sorry that happened to you though *hugs*

I think there is a lot of truth here. Have you dated/attempted to date an INFJ, yourself??

Two of them, I found, were very closed, and kept me at surface level, which I know all to well, because I do it. :/ The other let me in too far, then put on the emotional breaks, while wanting something more physically. Door slammed him. There also seems to be a level of rage there that I am not comfortable with, though I have noticed this with some ENFJs, as well. I guess because I turn my rage inward, so outward expressions, and confrontations are ugly to me.

I am with a wonderfully committed, open and affectionate INFP, now, but I have been lied to, and double-crossed by another INFP, so there you have it... every individual is different.