When Relating is Hard

[Trifoilum]

Or, When Failing A Sympathy and Empathy Check

It might be just me, or it might be a common thing. I find it especially more irritating and noticeable because if I can apply those, it goes against my type*, and my wish to help or listen, (or probably not, depending on where you're looking from.)

Sometimes, more times than one would like to admit or have or experience, there's time when relating to another's experience is hard.

Sure, we know what it should feel. We probably know how it actually feels. Maybe we know someone with a similar case. Maybe it's something we have thought and pondered day by day. Maybe it's something we have knowledges about. Hell, maybe we've experienced similar things, if not the same.

Yet nothing came out from our tongues; and inside, it was empty. White noise. Forget about looking underneath the complex layers, offering a perspective, giving out a solution, asking a question.... We can't even comprehend their words peripherally. Worse, maybe our mind keeps going about our problems; a subtle dismissal, "Dude. I've got so much more important things to do than listen to your yappings all day." Or sometimes not so subtle. What came out was a plain, vapid 'oh's. Safe, open 'I see.'. Any questions felt superficial and scratching the surface again and again. Nothing to say, nothing to comment, nothing to feel.


Or, Apathy. When You Don't Want To Feel One.

What -is- this thing? Selfish carelessness? A feeling of pretentious self-importance? Hints of annoyance towards the speaker? Defense mechanism? Just a sign that yes, there's lots of unfinished business and YOU BETTER FINISH THEM QUICK BITCH?

And what do you do when it happens?

*MBTI, ennea, anything. >_>;

 

[Arsal]

It's exactly what you said it is: you "have so many important things to do than listen to [their] problems."

You are not responsible for solving anyone else's issues, and you don't feel entitled to listen to them. Nothing wrong with that. If you do listen, that's great for you, and you're doing them a favor with that, but know that you don't hold the responsibility to empathize or to care.

 

[bickelz]

Sometimes i feel like my responses are actually empty when others might find them completely genuine. White noise is probably a nice way of putting it.

 

[Trifoilum]

It's exactly what you said it is: you "have so many important things to do than listen to [their] problems."

You are not responsible for solving anyone else's issues, and you don't feel entitled to listen to them. Nothing wrong with that. If you do listen, that's great for you, and you're doing them a favor with that, but know that you don't hold the responsibility to empathize or to care.

I think it would be one of the reason, yes; but to use that one single reason as a rationalization... Is it just what it is?

So far no one has called me out on it too
Personally speaking though, it feels different. It's not about responsibility nor entitlement most of the time...more like, the capacity. Sense of a honorable / graceful thing to do, not achieving it, and all the possible threats (ennea 6-ed yay!). It's probably stupid, but a sense of it was supposed to.

I don't know if it's playing nice or being ingenuine, for the intention was there. The ability wasn't. And aside from the risk, the potential problem, and the broken pedestal it may cause, that was the annoying thing.

I vaguely remember a quote from a PC game, which is something akin to a "Which is worse, the fact that one didn't help, or the fact that they choose not to?"* Personal belief that's probably one huge affecting thing in this matter :|


*Dragon Age. Dalish camp. Story teller. now it bugs me more than ever. Psh.

Sometimes i feel like my responses are actually empty when others might find them completely genuine. White noise is probably a nice way of putting it.

I personally got away with it more times than it count in the same sense.

 

[Free Mind]

Cannotbebotheredness. Leavemealoneness.

I hate getting these feelings, It makes me feel like a right snob who doesn't care for others. And I can feel like this quite often.

 

[jn56uytrx]

It sounds like maybe it is an experience of burn-out to some degree.

I agree with Arsal in that it is important to give yourself permission to take care of your own needs. Just because you may be gifted at supporting people and empathizing with their troubles, does not mean you have to be tending to people 24/7. It's OK to take a pass sometimes. That emptiness of ability to engage is probably something inside taking control and saying, "enough. I need a break." It's OK to take that break.

I've had the experience of smiling and nodding with someone, but something inside me quietly repeating over and over, "please stop talking to me, please stop talking to me, please stop talking to me". It does feel like a contradiction to my sense of self. When it happens I feel I'm not really being my best self or I'm failing people who have come to expect a certain thing from me. The thing is, like bickelz said, my sense is that even when I'm beginning to internally panic and check out, I've still got enough available to somehow meet the need of the person I'm engaging with for that time. I do know that experience as a sign to retreat for a while. Usually I'll withdraw for a bit (stating that need to others if necessary), replenish, and then I'm back to regular receptive mode where I'm actually truly engaged and happy to serve again.

 

[Trifoilum]

Cannotbebotheredness. Leavemealoneness.

I hate getting these feelings, It makes me feel like a right snob who doesn't care for others. And I can feel like this quite often.

+1.

It sounds like maybe it is an experience of burn-out to some degree.

I agree with Arsal in that it is important to give yourself permission to take care of your own needs. Just because you may be gifted at supporting people and empathizing with their troubles, does not mean you have to be tending to people 24/7. It's OK to take a pass sometimes. That emptiness of ability to engage is probably something inside taking control and saying, "enough. I need a break." It's OK to take that break.

I've had the experience of smiling and nodding with someone, but something inside me quietly repeating over and over, "please stop talking to me, please stop talking to me, please stop talking to me". It does feel like a contradiction to my sense of self. When it happens I feel I'm not really being my best self or I'm failing people who have come to expect a certain thing from me. The thing is, like bickelz said, my sense is that even when I'm beginning to internally panic and check out, I've still got enough available to somehow meet the need of the person I'm engaging with for that time. I do know that experience as a sign to retreat for a while. Usually I'll withdraw for a bit (stating that need to others if necessary), replenish, and then I'm back to regular receptive mode where I'm actually truly engaged and happy to serve again.

A sign of burning out; peripherally I understand this. Personally I also recommend a time alone, or time to settle some of your problems and regroup, and thankfully in my case people did not go so far as to whine per "WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME????? D:" (which is probably more than I can ask for)

 

[poshlost]

I can't relate to stupid selfish douchebags.

 

[starshine]

Wow, I'm glad you posted this, I've been feeling/thinking about this a lot lately. For the most part I try to help and do end up empathizing with everyone, this leads to being emotionally drained. I tend to go out of my way to ensure others don't 'feel bad' or are uncomfortable until I came to a point recently and said to myself, "It is not your duty to ensure the emotional comfort of everyone you come in contact with." I had to give myself some tough love. Since then I have helped and empathized where I could, but have backed off when it is just going over board and I am becoming used by others.

I feel bad for doing this, I feel bad for not constantly helping, for not being drained by absorbing their emotions constantly, but I realize I wouldn't wish this upon someone else - so why would I do it to myself? That helps me put it in perspective a bit ... would I expect another person to constantly help and empathize? No.