Nela

I see it every morning

Y'know those pics I sent? You can see your xmas card on my table in the background :becky:

Woah!

What was that for?

:thumb:

Yeah, I think so.
*Dramatic strings*
What ever happens... just know that I... I care about you!

Yeah... I guess so. Are you ready?

Haha, y'know I missed my lecture this morning! I slept past my alarm at 8, then I woke up again at 9:30... 9:30 is when I leave. I went in at 1:30 for my second lecture though. I had some time to do my journal in that time though.

It's good idea, I'm hungry too! Then we'll get down to business.

Hello gorgeous

I do care because they'll try to jab at me, judge me and I hate that so much. It will affect me so negatively, like they always do. You don't like hearing it but my life has mostly been a black hole of depression. It's not until the last few years I've turned into a functioning human being. You should know that, so you know what you are getting into.

My family, yes, the way I described about being emotionless etc, is how I act around them, that's the way I have grown up around them. They don't know who I am at all. Only one friend sees me and even then it's not complete. You gotta realise, they were poison to my own identity, they don't see it and don't understand it. I don't want them to know me either, because that boat has sailed- getting on with my life, don't really need them. I'm not a family person, lol. I don't feel like I rely on them emotionally. I will protect them, be there if they need me and all that stuff.

Not to sound big headed but I know I am, what you say. I have that capacity to make others, you, happy because of who I am, what I can do, what I will do, the choices I make and so on. But I am this person who you know now, not because of them- but in spite of them. I am not who you know now, because of happiness, it's through pain. If you know what I mean. So everything I don't want to be is that person I am around them, everything I aspire to be is grown away from them. So no, they don't really need to see me and I don't want to because they are poison.

I hated them all for a very long time. I don't think anything will ever make us a real family, what ever that is. Another thing I got used to was that I will be alone, in what ever I do. But most people who were great at what they did/had the right ideas, were. Not saying I am but... it offers me some insight. The difference between then and now, is that I work towards things so I always have something to aspire to, back then it was just me and those feelings.

It's funny because... (and I'm projecting far into the future here) but the way I am/would be with you, is my real self. If I'm with you and around other people (say my family or people I know), I feel I would be torn between being my true self and reverting back to my non-real self. I think I'd have the courage to be myself though, fuck the rest of them! But then they'd see the real side of me. I'm sure they all think I am some emotionless, bitter, harsh and logical weirdo, but as you know, that is the opposite of me! I think they'd get a real shock.

Surreal is the perfect word to describe it. Although, this is only, like, 10% of it so far.

Yeah, I stopped communicating on a literal level, not talking, when I was younger. I found this just causes even more conflicts. Then I stopped communicating on a deeper and much more profound level- like I talk but I only present a shallow or false sense of myself, especially to my Mum, and all my family really. It's funny how as you grow up, you're supposed to grow out of things like that. But somehow it's actually less mature and certainly less honest to pretend, whereas a child or younger person is much more direct with how they feel.

I sound really bitter but it's just ruminating, I rarely think about these things any more, too much to do, lol.

I only have one real worry about being with you. I feel like it will change how people see me.

Its very strange how I've 'settled' with the fact that absolutely everyone around me does not understand most of what I feel inside and the actions I take regarding those feelings. It really is strange! Like, I live in a house of SPs, I have to suppress most of what i really think or feel and just go with it. And that's through out life. If I didn't I'd be fighting, all the time.

So I only fight when it's important things, which probably why I'm reserved and pleasant one moment and an outspoken, indignant prick the next! I'd love to be that all the time, but of course that use of Fe and Se is draining so I have to revert back. I think I learnt that lesson the most when I learnt about the MBTI and infj-ness.

There is a moment in every INFJs life when they finally meet someone or some people that they can truly relate to and be themselves around. I think that time is now

Yeah, exactly the same here. If I don't want to get into awkward, unwated... s.. social interaction, I'll just look like I'm going to kill someone and no one ever talks to me- heaven!

But when I want to be approachable, which is most of the time or anywhere that isn't considered threatening to my threat awareness evaluation (lol), I am partly and unconsciously intimidating in look and demeanour. When I think about, it's why no ever did talk to me and why I haven't experience a lot of the social things other people did.

So am I, I look scary and intimidating apparently. But thats semi-conscious to be honest!

Don't run away when you see me

Yes, they are used to their fullest potential, pouring cereal into a bowl.

You don't!? That's dissapointing, considering how much you use him.

Especially when they are... in use.

I bet you do it all the time. It's probably your default face!

Haha, just messing with my web cam. My hand is almost as big as my head! I also have a Mr. Suspicious impression.