[ISFJ] Why is ISFJ male switching between cold/distant and friendly?

Hi! I realised my first post was way too long but I haven't been able to delete (it's been less than 24 hrs so I thought I would be able to) >_<

Why is he recently switching between cold/distant and friendly towards me?

I'm a female ISFJ and I have known this INFJ for 2 years now. We both study the same thing but he's 2.5 years younger than me if that's relevant We usually talk one-on-one quite often and also interact a lot in our group chat.

He treats me differently from two other girls in our uni group (who he seems to show more concern for) yet has tended to sit with me or ask why a male classmate is suddenly asking for my opinion or if coworker I said I liked working with was male or female separately from the group chat.

He has always been warm and friendly towards me (like he is to most people) until all of a sudden he became cold/distant to just me a week ago, a day after we last hung out where he was really friendly, warm and caring.

He hardly responds in the group chat if I'm active and when he does, he says something in a tone he uses to someone that's offended him or he openly dislikes. My best friends (INFP and INTP) who haven't met him think he probably likes me but don't like that he's acting this way towards me and have told me I'm better off cutting ties with him (especially the INTP ).

I asked him if there was anything wrong a few days ago and he told me I was "overthinking" but to "tell him if anything is wrong though". From experience with our mutual friends, he has a tendency to act this way when he's upset with someone but won't address the issue with them.

I didn't probe further and said "okay " and he continued acting like this the rest of the night by replying to my conversation with someone else with "she wasn't talking to you..." so on my best friends' advice, I decided that I wouldn't entertain this nonsense further and just continued talking to the others normally and responded without being passive aggressive, resolving to begin distancing myself if he continued.

Next day was a 180, trying to involve himself in a conversation I was having with our male friends about a topic he knew nothing about etc but today he's reverted back to what he was doing the last few days.

Can someone please give me some insight into what's going on? I'm so confused and frustrated but I don't want to abruptly cut him off to protect myself since during semester for the next 2 years we have to see each other nearly everyday. We just started summer holidays (3 months) so we won't see each other unless we make plans to (so far our friend, him and I are meeting in two weeks).

***Asking him if he likes me especially because I personally don't think he likes me (my friends think he does) would result in things potentially getting worse if he gets offended I think he would like me. (this is my insecurity I guess)

I wasn't able to edit in time but I'd like to add that a theory I have for his change again is that he didn't want the other girl (who I'm close with and adore) to tell if he had an issue with me (because she gets upset if anyone fights). We had a voice chat last night where he made a lot of effort to talk to her and ask about how her trip was currently going (she's overseas atm) and praised her independence etc.

A male friend, him and I are planning to meet in 2 weeks (he joked about being left out that we discussed it before asking him), but at this point I'm not sure if I even want to see him anymore so the next time would be in 3 months.

Told the male friend who is another INFP the situation and I discovered he and INFJ aren't actually close and that he wouldn't really want to be alone with him.

Even if he does like you... I just see red flags.

Just based on your OP.. including the way your friends think of him-- it doesn't sound like a harmless awkward crush. He sounds moody and maybe a bit possessive (asking why certain men are asking your opinion, if the co-workers you work well with are male...)

If you have to interact with him, I'd suggest keeping him at a distance. Just be boring. And trust your friends if even they say they wouldn't want to be alone with him (Why?) and that you should consider cutting ties because of the way he treats you.

Neow, sorry to be blunt, but it seems to me that the INFJ in this story isn't very mature and/or rather bad at communicating.

You wrote that, when he's upset with someone, he acts passive-aggressive rather than discussing the problem with that person to smooth things over. It seems to me that causes issues to fester and grow. Do you think that would be any different if you were to grow closer to him? You seem like a kind and patient person, but you can't take on the responsibility for communicating for the both of you. It has to come from him.

Your best friends seem to have a good grasp on the situation. I agree with them. Don't entertain this nonsense.

acd said:

Even if he does like you... I just see red flags.

Just based on your OP.. including the way your friends think of him-- it doesn't sound like a harmless awkward crush. He sounds moody and maybe a bit possessive (asking why certain men are asking your opinion, if the co-workers you work well with are male...)

If you have to interact with him, I'd suggest keeping him at a distance. Just be boring. And trust your friends if even they say they wouldn't want to be alone with him (Why?) and that you should consider cutting ties because of the way he treats you.

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He has seemed moody lately and it concerns me because this is probably the first time he's ever been like this towards me. My friends don't think there's an issue with being alone with him but that they're concerned that he won't be more straightforward with me.

The only friend I've told this about (male INFP) who knows him says he isn't close to INFJ but that it's possible but also he thinks it's probably nothing and "he'll be fine".

I should probably mention that I avoid being as affectionate/friendly with him than my other friends because I don't want him to be weirded out if he doesn't like me. We typically joke around/insult each other a lot in a playful way but the incidences I mentioned, there was no hint of playfulness at all

The way he asked if my coworker was male/female was in a casual way but I did wonder why he had to ask me that privately instead of on the group chat, and he continued talking normally for a few hours before he suddenly started acting this way. I have once asked him what he thought if his significant other was friendly with the opposite sex and he said that he's okay with them being friendly because they need their own space.

I remember when we talked about past crushes, he said something about how some guys are too shy to initiate or they don't see that you like them.

I do like him but considering recent events, if he did turn out to like me and asked me out, I would definitely make it clear to him that I would not date someone who is willing to communicate with me openly about issues/concerns. We've both never been in a relationship before because we are quite selective and both in our late teens-very early 20s so it would need to be a big discussion if that was something I'd consider.

Thank you for your insight into this, I really appreciate it and will take it on board!

Lady Jolanda said:

Neow, sorry to be blunt, but it seems to me that the INFJ in this story isn't very mature and/or rather bad at communicating.

You wrote that, when he's upset with someone, he acts passive-aggressive rather than discussing the problem with that person to smooth things over. It seems to me that causes issues to fester and grow. Do you think that would be any different if you were to grow closer to him? You seem like a kind and patient person, but you can't take on the responsibility for communicating for the both of you. It has to come from him.

Your best friends seem to have a good grasp on the situation. I agree with them. Don't entertain this nonsense.

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He's normally very good at communicating and reading people as well as expressive about how he feels about things. However, if people are stubborn or it's something he feels strongly about but knows people don't consider it a big deal, he'll stay quiet about it and tell me when I ask him it's because it's something he doesn't consider a big enough of a deal (I think he doesn't want to come off as contentious) to bring it up.

You're right, it's not my responsibility.

I definitely will not continue to entertain the nonsense, I've already brought it to the table that I feel something is wrong and asked if there was and he said no but to tell him if there was. So now it's up to him to decide how to respond/behave next because while I know him fairly well, I'm not a mind reader

Thanks for your thoughts on this

The INFJ male is a bit of a puzzle. I'm wondering if my cat is one, he spends a lot of time hiding in the airing cupboard.

I came home from work to find that INFJ replied to a group message I sent to him and male INFP about how I was only free to hang out the specific day of the week he can go out on in two weeks time (this is true, I usually work that day of the week) with "I don't mind meeting up on that day as well, love to see you before the break " after leaving it on "read" the day before while active in our main group chat.

Male INFP said he had to pm INFJ to confirm plans to meet next week (the day I said I couldn't do - so it'll just be the two of them). INFP told me INFJ was the one who suggested waiting until I was able to meet up with them to have lunch at a restaurant I had mentioned wanting to try again in our main uni group's chat.

The last week and a bit has been him basically going from his usual kind, considerate and warm personality to blunt/harsh to me for no reason in the group chat, aloof or ignoring me completely/giving short responses (which I only first experienced last week).

I suppose all I can do for now is to continue observing any changes until I meet him in person again in 2 weeks and continue to avoid entertaining any nonsense.