Relationships...

StarryEyedDreamer said:
Which makes me want to go back in the early 2000's before people went crazy.
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back to the future doc GIF
 
ENFP here. The OP’s need for depth in relationships is what I’ve sought all my life. Surface is all very well & good, but knowing someone heart, mind, body & soul, & more importantly being accepted & understood by them in every aspect…that’s the ultimate.

I’ve met a surprising number of INFJ’s (admittedly some have been guesses on my part) over the years. My best friend is INFJ. And once you really know one, you start to become more able to find them in the wild. They are my favourite kind of people & who I most enjoy spending time with. There’s no bs with an INFJ, authenticity over being popular…although the two INFJs I love most have spent so much of their lives as people pleasers.

Anyway, all this to say, I have an absolute treasure of a deep relationship with an INFJ. He is my mirror & I, his. He prefers to show his love rather than announce it. I’m constantly blurting my feelings 😆 but other than that, we are very well matched. It took time, half a century to find each other, but take heart that there are other people who aren’t merely surface. And hopefully you’ll find one who is just as keen to know all of you as you are to know all of them
 
BoopDeLaMoop said:
There’s no bs with an INFJ
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Haha...don’t speak for the cohort based on your necessarily limited experience. Before type, people are people, and the usual BS applies.

INFJs can be duplicitous, manipulative, inauthentic, violent, and many other things, just like any other person.

Cheers,
Ian
 
aeon said:
Haha...don’t speak for the cohort based on your necessarily limited experience. Before type, people are people, and the usual BS applies.

INFJs can be duplicitous, manipulative, inauthentic, violent, and many other things, just like any other person.

Cheers,
Ian
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aeon said:
Haha...don’t speak for the cohort based on your necessarily limited experience. Before type, people are people, and the usual BS applies.

INFJs can be duplicitous, manipulative, inauthentic, violent, and many other things, just like any other person.

Cheers,
Ian
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I stand corrected 😉 no bs with the INFJs I’ve met, rather.
 
I do think infjs are more likely to be straight shooters/talkers, especially when a bond is already formed or when asked to do so
So in this way, it is true they tend to have more of a "no bs" type of delivery in conversation
 
Wyote said:
I do think infjs are more likely to be straight shooters/talkers, especially when a bond is already formed or when asked to do so
So in this way, it is true they tend to have more of a "no bs" type of delivery in conversation
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In addition, the ones I’ve known/I know well are neurodivergent & that comes with the territory. It’s like, eww, small talk? No, I want to discuss philosophy, science or delve into what makes each other tick. One on one conversation is also the big preference.
 
Small talk is good to see if someone knows courtesy and etiquette before diving into the deep stuff.

Small talk has an art to it. Dispense with it entirely at your peril.

It has, after all, some real utility.

Cheers,
Ian
 
Wyote said:
I do think infjs are more likely to be straight shooters/talkers, especially when a bond is already formed or when asked to do so
So in this way, it is true they tend to have more of a "no bs" type of delivery in conversation
Click to expand...
From my research this comes from the fact that it takes less energy to talk to people you already know (for this type) where for INFJs this has to do with already having a backward timeline of things so only 'incremental' information needs to be shared and not the kitchen sink which is a necessity for the type also, so it's just a matter of doing things this way to make the experience less of an energy drain. The positive from the others' point of view is that yes they get a fairly straight and to the point communication.

aeon said:
Small talk is good to see if someone knows courtesy and etiquette before diving into the deep stuff.

Small talk has an art to it. Dispense with it entirely at your peril.

It has, after all, some real utility.

Cheers,
Ian
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Agree... it is an art, having learned this largely from work and initially involuntarily with how I was thrown into that environment. It is now fairly easy to do in that environment though I consider it more of a "let's get over the BS so we can actually talk about something which matters" even if the thing that matters is some technical issue that they wanted resolved in the first place (this is an IT-type vibe) though eventually it dawned on me that this could be used for better things such as making friends at work.

BoopDeLaMoop said:
ENFP here. The OP’s need for depth in relationships is what I’ve sought all my life. Surface is all very well & good, but knowing someone heart, mind, body & soul, & more importantly being accepted & understood by them in every aspect…that’s the ultimate.

I’ve met a surprising number of INFJ’s (admittedly some have been guesses on my part) over the years. My best friend is INFJ. And once you really know one, you start to become more able to find them in the wild. They are my favourite kind of people & who I most enjoy spending time with. There’s no bs with an INFJ, authenticity over being popular…although the two INFJs I love most have spent so much of their lives as people pleasers.

Anyway, all this to say, I have an absolute treasure of a deep relationship with an INFJ. He is my mirror & I, his. He prefers to show his love rather than announce it. I’m constantly blurting my feelings 😆 but other than that, we are very well matched. It took time, half a century to find each other, but take heart that there are other people who aren’t merely surface. And hopefully you’ll find one who is just as keen to know all of you as you are to know all of them
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From knowing some ENFPs closely, I'd say yes, you guys do blurt out your feelings and it makes it very easy to communicate with you precisely because of this trait.
 
StarryEyedDreamer said:
Early 20th century is the last time people were most engaged with each other face-to-face. Phones and online platforms are there. But I know that hugging, making facial expressions, cuddling, and talking face-to-face is a better connecting experience. Even modern movies keep having characters do these actions that I mentioned.

Earning a person's willingness to expose their vulnerable side can take time, based on how long they trust you. But sometimes people do not open up that much. People being exposed to constant toxicity online can make them have a harder time opening up. I do my best to find toxic online platforms that get avoided like the plague. My brain doesn't need to get clogged with that much negativity. It's not healthy. Modern society is too obsessed with negativity, based on my experience. Finding a person who's not going to instigate drama has become harder because of this. Which makes me want to go back in the early 2000's before people went crazy.
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This is a good post that I think is largely accurate.

Now that I think about it, I do have people opening up to me. I had a guy at my apartment complex just "open up to me" that he has diarrhea, and he wants me to buy him some medication for it. This was simply because earlier, I told him I liked his cross necklace. He ended up giving me a cross necklace about a half hour later when he told me he wanted me to buy him some meds for his problem.

But, for whatever reason, when people open up to me (and a lot of people who converse with me somewhat frequently end up doing that), I don't actually feel close to them. Maybe I just have extreme trust issues, so it is harder for me to bond with people? IDK. But regardless of people opening up to me, I find it hard to feel close to most people. Even my brother, whom I know very well, I do not feel a strong sense of kinship with. Maybe this is because he isn't dead yet? Like maybe that will change when people start dying on me, and I start to feel what I took for granted? Again, IDK.

For example, a woman at my apartment complex has lung cancer. This is going to sound wrong, but my sympathy for her and the person who is her friend, who told me, is just not that intense. Like, I am more moved by the tragicness of it intellectually than it is an emotional thing for me. Does that even make sense?

/rant
 
QuickTwist said:
This is a good post that I think is largely accurate.

Now that I think about it, I do have people opening up to me. I had a guy at my apartment complex just "open up to me" that he has diarrhea, and he wants me to buy him some medication for it. This was simply because earlier, I told him I liked his cross necklace. He ended up giving me a cross necklace about a half hour later when he told me he wanted me to buy him some meds for his problem.

But, for whatever reason, when people open up to me (and a lot of people who converse with me somewhat frequently end up doing that), I don't actually feel close to them. Maybe I just have extreme trust issues, so it is harder for me to bond with people? IDK. But regardless of people opening up to me, I find it hard to feel close to most people. Even my brother, whom I know very well, I do not feel a strong sense of kinship with. Maybe this is because he isn't dead yet? Like maybe that will change when people start dying on me, and I start to feel what I took for granted? Again, IDK.

For example, a woman at my apartment complex has lung cancer. This is going to sound wrong, but my sympathy for her and the person who is her friend, who told me, is just not that intense. Like, I am more moved by the tragicness of it intellectually than it is an emotional thing for me. Does that even make sense?

/rant
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Yes, it makes sense.

I've never trusted people easily since my early childhood. I dislike society. Considering how a significant portion of society marginalizes disabled, poor, and physically unattractive people, I don't trust them at all. This economy is self-destructive. Which is another reason why I don't trust nor like society. Another reason is how so many online platforms have become toxic with trigger happy moderators who run them like cults when you don't walk on their eggshells enough. It's almost impossible to find a level-headed platform for socializing online now.

Regarding the guy who wanted you to buy him medication, I'm wondering if he'd be trustworthy. I wonder if he bought a cross necklace for you to buy him medication in return. But I'm wondering what he really wants from you.

Maybe you and your brother aren't similar enough to form a strong kinship with?

Maybe you don't know the woman with lung cancer and her friend enough to have a lot of sympathy?
 
StarryEyedDreamer said:
Regarding the guy who wanted you to buy him medication, I'm wondering if he'd be trustworthy. I wonder if he bought a cross necklace for you to buy him medication in return. But I'm wondering what he really wants from you.

Maybe you and your brother aren't similar enough to form a strong kinship with?

Maybe you don't know the woman with lung cancer and her friend enough to have a lot of sympathy?
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I told him I like his cross, and he gave me a cross the same day. If he had gone out to buy it that day, then he could have just picked up the medication then. Regardless, I was happy to help him out.

I think friendship reaches beyond personality. It's not like I don't care about him. I just don't really feel emotional about it, if that makes sense. Same goes for the women at my apartment complex.
 
QuickTwist said:
I told him I like his cross, and he gave me a cross the same day. If he had gone out to buy it that day, then he could have just picked up the medication then. Regardless, I was happy to help him out.

I think friendship reaches beyond personality. It's not like I don't care about him. I just don't really feel emotional about it, if that makes sense. Same goes for the women at my apartment complex.
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Makes sense.

I wonder if you're just a calm person who doesn't get very emotional.
 
BoopDeLaMoop said:
ENFP here. The OP’s need for depth in relationships is what I’ve sought all my life. Surface is all very well & good, but knowing someone heart, mind, body & soul, & more importantly being accepted & understood by them in every aspect…that’s the ultimate.

I’ve met a surprising number of INFJ’s (admittedly some have been guesses on my part) over the years. My best friend is INFJ. And once you really know one, you start to become more able to find them in the wild. They are my favourite kind of people & who I most enjoy spending time with. There’s no bs with an INFJ, authenticity over being popular…although the two INFJs I love most have spent so much of their lives as people pleasers.

Anyway, all this to say, I have an absolute treasure of a deep relationship with an INFJ. He is my mirror & I, his. He prefers to show his love rather than announce it. I’m constantly blurting my feelings 😆 but other than that, we are very well matched. It took time, half a century to find each other, but take heart that there are other people who aren’t merely surface. And hopefully you’ll find one who is just as keen to know all of you as you are to know all of them
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Good to hear.
 
Spherial Dream said:
Greetings, I am an INFJ, and new here. I'm 62, and have been single, by choice, for 25 years. I have been working on myself, so as to choose a better significant other relationship for myself.

The trouble I am having is that I cannot seem to flirt to save my life. I am currently interested in finding someone to share my life with. Case in point: today I went to a Singles Conference at my Church. There were two men there who piqued my interest enough to want to know better than just eyeing one another across the proverbial as well as literal crowded room. Suffice it to say, I failed miserably in doing anything other than smiling at them, and saying hello to the one who said hello to me. How I wish I had done things differently! I wish I'd had the courage to sit down next to them separately and ask them about themselves. But no! Smiling seems to be all that I can manage in said situation. Small talk is NOT my forte.

Kicking myself figuratively afterward is.

I'm telling myself that it's not ALL my fault, and to give myself some grace. I am at least smiling. I look attractive enough, and don't smell bad. So, why can't THEY say something conversational to ME???

The guy who said nothing, and just stared at me from across the room, well, he had one and 3/4ths of two arms. So perhaps he felt self-conscious. I don't know. He was, nonetheless, handsome as Captain Picard of The Next Generation ever thought of being! I REALLY wanted to talk to him. So I guess that makes it MY issue, not his. I just haven't a clue what to say to a man that I have not met and know nothing about.

There must be a book, or a class or a Ted Talk.... SOMETHING, to tell me what I am missing here. Besides verbiage. OR perhaps the verbiage itself.

I'm at a loss, and don't want to be!
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Hi there, I do that too. Hello, is usually where I try to start, then I see how it goes. But then it depends on how I say it, I suppose. Maybe next time try saying anything just to engage without thinking what to say, then you'll just say what you say, and if it engages one of em, then that's a start. Of course, the hardest part, in anything in life, is always the start. But it could just be what you needed to do at the time.I watched a guy on IG recently say that I could just feel my feelings when I feel stressed or uncomfortable for 5 mins, just let them run. So I tried it but didn't put a deadline on it and found it a very useful exercise. It relaxed me bigtime. So I do it now all the time and my fear level drops way down. Good luck.
 
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