1 Billion people on Facebook, and I have to unintentionally come across my ex Wife.

MindYourHead

MindYourHead

Courage doesn't always roar.
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
This wasn't Facebook sending a "You may also know" friend suggestion either.

Last night I am looking at my news feed, and see one of my friends commented on a post made by the comedian/actor Dan Aykroyd pertaining to his health.
Out of curiosity, I open the comments, scroll once, and see her name as someone who also made a comment! :twitch: Hmmm...Is that really her? or someone with the same name. I click on the name, and sure enough there is a common friend we have from back when we were dating.

We met in 1984, married in 1985, and split up in 1996 on seemingly good terms. We didn't have children together thankfully.
She moved to another state, re-married. I remarried in 1998 to my current Wife.
After about 2001, we exchanged the occasional email. Just to say hey how are you. Or send family news such as deaths of our parents. That kind of thing. Very innocent stuff. All friendly in nature.
Then, about 18 months ago, out of the blue I get a nasty, vile email from her bringing up everything that was bad about me as a husband. Some of it true, other things a figment of her imagination. It really hurt, and made me angry that she was able to bring the heartache of our break up back to the surface.

Despite wanting to unleash on Her in the same hurtful manner, I sent an email back that just said I was sorry she felt that way, and am sorry she hasn't been able to make peace with our failed marriage and move on. We were both young and in over our heads when we got married. We both made mistakes and hopefully learned from them. (This is why I refer to that marriage as my practice marriage.)
Please do not contact me again.

I wish I could cleanse my mind of this Woman! After that email, she haunted my dreams at night for too long.
Then all was well. Until last night.
I wanted to tell my current Wife about what I came across on Facebook, but gave it some thought and decided I don't want to plant a seed in her mind that I may try to contact my Ex.
Not being able to tell anyone I think is what has made cleansing my mind of her more difficult, :tape:
and partly why I am posting this in hopes it helps.

How do you forget someone?
I can't believe after 18 years she can still get in my head so easily.
Aaarggghhh!!!:m133:

Thanks for listening.
 
Jeeze, who sends vile emails about a marriage that broke up that long ago? Honestly. SMH. Good thing you are rid of that woman. Sometimes when I find myself thinking too much about something (or someone) bad that upset me, I try to keep my mind off it by doing other activities. I know, that probably sounds over-simplified but it actually really works, especially if the other activity is something you can really get into, (and not unhealthy, either.) You have a wife, no? You love her, yes? I bet you can come up with some excellent ways to get your mind off your ex wife. It's like when you want to break a bad habit, you have to replace it with a good one, or at least, I've found that works for me. ((hugs)) sorry, people are crazy sometimes.
 
When I get married I'm gonna call all my ex girlfriends and say "Hi this is Chulo, remember that time in 5th grade I asked you on a date and you said no in front of all my friends? Well guess what... I'm getting married bitch booyah in yo face!!! I don't need you bitch!!! Oooooo!!! how does it feel to be a LOSER!?!?! (click)"

(calls back 5 minutes later)

"You are more than welcome to attend the wedding if you like... maybe we could even grab a bite to eat beforehand or something..."

Haha no seriously though. That sucks. If only there was a way you could tell your current wife without planting that seed of doubt in her mind. Who knows... maybe she already trusts you.
 
this is only temporary said:
Jeeze, who sends vile emails about a marriage that broke up that long ago? Honestly. SMH. Good thing you are rid of that woman. Sometimes when I find myself thinking too much about something (or someone) bad that upset me, I try to keep my mind off it by doing other activities. I know, that probably sounds over-simplified but it actually really works, especially if the other activity is something you can really get into, (and not unhealthy, either.) You have a wife, no? You love her, yes? I bet you can come up with some excellent ways to get your mind off your ex wife. It's like when you want to break a bad habit, you have to replace it with a good one, or at least, I've found that works for me. ((hugs)) sorry, people are crazy sometimes.
Click to expand...

I now look back to when she first contacted me through another forum I am on, I wish I had never entertained the idea of communicating with her. But at the time I thought we were cool.
I had openly admitted my errors during our marriage and accepted responsibility. Thought she had too, but really should have known better having seen the dynamics of her family in action those 12 years.
Never let go. Never forgive. Always pass blame. Never heal.

This will pass too, just as the lingering effects of that email did.
Typical of me to get something in my head and obsess about it.
Since this happened last night, I went to bed and ended up fighting mind chatter, and didn't sleep well.
I want to be able to see mention of her, have a thought or memory, and have it roll off me like water off a duck's back.
This is something I have to work on.
I think I feel better already though being able to express it here on this board.
 
Last edited:
Yeah... I know, I'm the same way too, a little, being up at 3 AM wondering WHY am I thinking this? Now? Can I do anything about it? No. So SHUT UP BRAIN and let me sleep! I know, been there, done that. :/ Throwing myself into work, or exercise or other (much better) relationships has been the main thing that helps me. I'm glad you feel better & hope it continues.

(P.S. that should not be taken as a guarantee that what I do is right.)
 
chulo said:
When I get married I'm gonna call all my ex girlfriends and say "Hi this is Chulo, remember that time in 5th grade I asked you on a date and you said no in front of all my friends? Well guess what... I'm getting married bitch booyah in yo face!!! I don't need you bitch!!! Oooooo!!! how does it feel to be a LOSER!?!?! (click)"

(calls back 5 minutes later)

"You are more than welcome to attend the wedding if you like... maybe we could even grab a bite to eat beforehand or something..."
Click to expand...
Lol! Love it!

Haha no seriously though. That sucks. If only there was a way you could tell your current wife without planting that seed of doubt in her mind. Who knows... maybe she already trusts you.
Click to expand...

My current Wife and I have a very trust based relationship. I know it may seem hypocritical to say that, and then not want to share openly everything with her. But I believe there are certain things better left unsaid. Pick your battles.
 
[MENTION=1355]MindYourHead[/MENTION]

Oh boy. I definitely wouldn't mention it to your wife. If my husband told me something like that, I would listen to what he had to say calmly and after he was done talking, THEN I would start throwing things. :). I'm kidding (maybe). But no woman wants to hear that her husband has another woman haunting his dreams. It will make her think you still have feelings for your ex. Do you? Or can you not come to terms with the fact that you may have hurt someone so much that they can't let it go (guilt) and you feel the need to somehow make it right? What are these dreams about?
 
MindYourHead said:
My current Wife and I have a very trust based relationship. I know it may seem hypocritical to say that, and then not want to share openly everything with her. But I believe there are certain things better left unsaid. Pick your battles.
Click to expand...

I understand what you are saying. The fact that you have such a trust based relationship at the moment might be an additional incentive to not tell her because you actually have something to lose. I agree, "pick your battles" (halleluiah). But if it starts bothering you for long periods of time it might be appropriate to tell your current wife. Seems like it will pass quickly so I don't think that will be happening.
 
CrazyBeautiful said:
@MindYourHead

Oh boy. I definitely wouldn't mention it to your wife. If my husband told me something like that, I would listen to what he had to say calmly and after he was done talking, THEN I would start throwing things. :). I'm kidding (maybe). But no woman wants to hear that her husband has another woman haunting his dreams. It will make her think you still have feelings for your ex. Do you? Or can you not come to terms with the fact that you may have hurt someone so much that they can't let it go (guilt) and you feel the need to somehow make it right? What are these dreams about?
Click to expand...

Thanks for the female perspective. I know I don't want to hear about my current Wife's ex husband, so why would she want to hear anything of mine?
You bring up some good points.
I think some of may be the result of guilt I have for not being a better mate to her. I never cheated on her, even though that is one of her claims. I was immature, took things for granted.
I can't change what happened, and neither can she. But the ghost is there. She caused me pain too.
Do you ever really lose all feelings for someone you once loved intensely?
The dreams aren't specific to anything really. Not sexual in nature. She is just there. In place of my current wife it will be her.
I guess being someone who will go out of his way to avoid conflict, am bothered that there is unresolved conflict between me and another person. I at one time thought we were on good terms.
 
1. You will never forget her, just erase her from your online life too if you can.
2. Dont tell your wife... do not... do not... DO NOT tell your wife. We all have secrets we bury never to see the light of day, let this be one.
 
[MENTION=1355]MindYourHead[/MENTION]
I see what you are saying. I know that I still think about my ex boyfriend sometimes (I know I hurt him badly) and I feel such guilt over things I know could have done better in that relationship. I'm pretty sure that I have scarred him emotionally and (surprisingly enough) I just had a dream about him the other night and woke up thinking, "Should I call him and say I'm sorry?" I don't want anyone to hurt over something that I have done. I know that I am a good person but I was in a bad place at the time and I did things that I shouldn't have. I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt him. I was young and immature. But what we need to realize is that we are human and we all make mistakes. As long as we can grow and learn from them, then I think we are better for it.

Regarding the dream: From what you say, you and your current wife have a nice relationship and you are doing it right this time around. Since (in the dreams) your ex is replaced by your wife, maybe you are trying to "get it right" with her in the dream. You want her to see that you have changed for the better and that you are not this monster she is making you out to be. You are seem truly remorseful over any pain you have caused her.

Maybe you should call her and apologize since it's clear that she can't move past this and that you won't either until she is okay with you? What do you think?
 
[MENTION=6281]CrazyBeautiful[/MENTION]

I thought about contacting her, but think based on what happened after several years of seemingly pleasant correspondence between us, think I am best to just let it be.
Won't be fooled again.

I'm feeling much more at ease about all of this now that I was able to talk about it a little.
Still though. What are the odds of that happening on Facebook?
 
[MENTION=1355]MindYourHead[/MENTION]

Yes, it was a weird coincidence. Even makes you feel like it happened for a reason. Maybe you do need to contact her to help her soul heal...and your's too. The universe is telling you something! :) But that is all up to you if you decide to take that route. Good luck!
 
Your wife is trusting you to make the right decision. Actions always speak louder than words. We all have some "demons" plaguing our minds, and those things are better off kept to ourselves. My husband is in a profession where he is hit on all the time. Women join that profession looking for a husband. He doesn't have to tell me about it, I don't care ... I only care if he DOES something to make me mistrust him.
 
Last edited:
You can block her on Facebook so that none of the information comes up
 
jupiterswoon said:
You can block her on Facebook so that none of the information comes up
Click to expand...

Good idea!
I'll have to get on the desktop and do that since I mostly use my smartphone for Facebook, and controls are limited.

I can't tell you all how much this thread has helped ease my mind. I feel more at peace.
I clearly needed to say something to someone about it all. Keeping it pent up inside was poisoning me.
 
in terms of the dream comment you made @MindYourHead be forewarned that she may pop up in your dreams every now and again but not because you are thinking about her per se, but rather you are thinking about what she represents to you. If she was a generally angry person for example, if she pops up in your dream she represents your anger. She can represent youth, regret, ambition, uncertainty, just depends what she was like and what characteristic of hers stuck out the most for you. for many years, and even now, my ex pops up in my dreams, and i just wanted to be free of him, then i realized he seems to pop up when I am doubting my ambition. as big of a jerk as he was, he was certainly ambitious, and brought that out in me. the mind can be cruel, that when im down and feeling unaccomplished ill dream of my ex!!!! but anyways now i kinda just know it's gonna happen. in fact in my most recent dream of him i told him straight out "you were pretty terrible, but you were def ambitious".

you should look at how you are treating her in your dream, because it may signify how you treat that aspect of yourself in your waking life. for example, if she represents anger and you are showering her with gifts, it could mean that in your waking life, you gotta control your anger. she may even represent your fear of being a bad husband, so maybe if you and your wife have a disagreement in your waking life, your ex may pop up in your dream. it all depends on what aspect of YOU this image of her now represents. remember my young padawan, there is no her, it's all you. and that is a message both for your dream life and your waking life. It's all you now.

and i agree about not telling your spouse. it'll cause so much hurt and not help your wife at all.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top