A Good Solid Question

[Rasmus]

Now here's the question of the day: Why is it that when someone cheats they justify the action by saying "the heart wants what the heart wants" but of course if they were the one being cheated on they would be pissed? This is completely illogical and I am perplexed. So the question is, would you date someone who you found out cheated in previous relationship(s) and just dismiss it as a bad decision and move forward, or would you avoid a romantic involvement with that person despite maybe being criticized as being judgmental. I would say it is simply because we don't have the same values or level of maturity. When people ask me from now on why people cheat I will say it is because of lack of maturity. You are childlike in the sense that you know better but do something anyway because you want to despite future consequences. On another note, why would you even want the reputation of being a cheater? I would feel like the decent people would avoid me like the plague and only people just as shady as I am will want to date me.

Edited for spelling ^^^

Would I date someone who I found out cheated in a previous relationship?

It depends on their current view of their past decisions and behavior. Would I date someone I knew was going to cheat on me? No. Would I date someone who cheated in the past but considered it a mistake they never wanted to repeat? Yes. As a matter of fact, I might even consider their honesty and self incrimination to be admirable or, in some cases, attractive. We all make mistakes. Most rational humans have the opportunity to rise from the ashes of their mistakes better than they were before.

In my opinion, a person who rejects someone for the mistakes of their past without even giving them a chance is a person who does not understand the depth of their own depravity, failings, and inadequacies and would therefore make a poor choice of a mate themselves. I'd rather date a person who knew they were broken than one who wanted to act like their shit didn't stink.

When people ask me from now on why people cheat I will say it is because of lack of maturity.

I'm sorry but I'm not too keen on the idea of chalking a human's decision to cheat up to a mere matter of maturity. I think every person and every relationship are very unique and complex and that humans make decisions based on a myriad of seen and unseen factors. I will not deny that maturity might be part of the equation but I refuse to believe that it is the only part to any equation.

You are childlike in the sense that you know better but do something anyway because you want to despite future consequences.

I think you are describing a lack of self control when you use the word "childlike"? If so, I think humans in every stage of life struggle with self control despite their level of maturity.

Why would you want the reputation of being a cheater?

Well if you mean the "reputation of someone who cheats like a dog in heat at the drop of a hat" than I can't answer that but if you mean the "reputation of someone who has cheated in the past" than I guess a person's honesty about their past could bring about that label whether they "wanted" it to or not. I have never met someone aspiring to that reputation but I have met people who have been judged and labeled according to their past. I think it is far more positive to accept someone for who they are today and to look ahead to what they can become instead of dwelling on who they were yesterday and passing judgment on them.

I would feel like the decent people would avoid me like the plague and only people just as shady as I am will want to date me.

Hmm, your statement seems to suggest that only shady people cheat on someone.

Shady = probably dishonest or illegal.
Encarta World English Dictionary

Shady = of dubious character; rather disreputable.
Dictionary com

I think there are a lot more factors to consider before I could ever share your feelings though I respect them nonetheless. Best wishes. Thanks for sharing your thoughts :thumb:

 

[GracieRuth]

It comes from the notion that "the heart" is the source of morality. If you want to know the right thing to do, you "listen to your heart" right???? Wrong.

Morality is an extension of one principle: Love your neighbor as yourself. So yeah, cheating is immoral. If you want out of the marriage, then divorce.

 

[blueflame]

Hey everyone's responses were great. I can see that most people agree that if you decide to cheat you can make your future relationships difficult because right of the bat there would be a trust issue. Also, it is egocentricism to sort of deny that they are responsible for their desicion to cheat.

 

[Nixie]

I have been re-reading the Road Less Traveled and there was a part that reminded me of this thread and got me thinking. I know, surprise. Anywho, Peck made mention of a woman who consistently took back her husband although he made her miserable (cheating, leaving). The author alludes to the fact that on the surface the woman claims she "loves" her husband and needs to "forgive" him for cheating and running around. However the author concludes that the woman's ego is satisfied because she likes to feel superior when her cheating husband begs for her forgiveness and she takes him back.

In some ways, we do negative things to the people we care about because there is some type of payout for us somewhere in the drama. Unhealthy relationships are unhealthy relationships. I think that the lack of self control in the cheating partner is the main issue with cheating--a desire to fufill one's own desires without consideration to your partner.

If you look at the other side, what does the cheater get out of being taken back or even being a cheater? I would think on the unhealthy extreme, a constant cheater does it so they don't have to truely engage with their partner. They are someone who constantly has their eye on the horizon, unable to fully commit their time and effort--not speaking of the "you are my everything" unhealthy way--and unable to share of themselves. I think that this type of dynamic (constant cheating) is the result of two people who for whatever reason, want to be with someone they can maintain distance from.

 

[subwayrider]

[MENTION=3096]Sonya[/MENTION]

flippant bitch

 

[candygirlxoxo]

I think alot also has to do with what "kind" of cheater a person is.Is the person a "i did it one time,i made a mistake,i am soooo sorry,i'll never do it again" type of cheater...or,the "constantly on the prowl,always flirting,always looking,wayyyyyy to many female/male "friends" ,serial cheater type..? The latter is much more complicated,i think.I hate to be the type of person that judges another off past mistakes or actions,but,in my experience anyway,when it comes to cheating,there is much truth to the old saying "once a cheater/always one".Yes,people do make mistakes,male and female,and if thats the case,it was a mistake and the person is genuinely sorry,i could deal with that a lot easier than the serial cheater type.I'm actually dealing with that type right now,have been for the past 5 years.The sickening thing is that as soon as i met this man,i intuitively "knew" he was bad for me.All the signs were there,my gut was practically screaming at me to not go anyfurther with this person or i would regret it,and sadly,this was one of the few times i went against my intuition and boy,did i live to regret it.As an INFJ,i hold very strong convictions about "morals".Cheating,of anykind is just totally disgusting and a nearly unforgivable act as far as i'm concerned.I don't cheat,in anyway shape or form...so,for me to be involved with someone that is just the total opposite of me,it's living torture.Why have i stayed?Well,3 beautiful children did come out of this debacle,and thats about it.I've finally realised he's just this way and always will be and i deserve better.I tended to take everything he does so personally at first,but have come to know in reality,it's not me.It's him.I'm just so afraid that after dealing with this person for so long,when and if i ever meet anyone that i feel is worthy of my heart again,will i ever be able to give it? Being overly sensitive as i am,so suseptible to trauma,deep down,i guess i doubt i ever will,i truly believe i've been scarred for life...

 

[blueflame]

Not sure anyone here will be able to answer my question but what exactly is it about a person that isn't available that's so attractive?

 

[Nixie]

I still vote for distance. You don't have to commit yourself.

"Unavailable" has many different meanings to me. Physically you are talking about someone who is already with someone else. Emotionally you have..peter pan types who are unable to commit...drama queens whose world only revolves around themselves and their issues...and so on. Many times you can find yourself involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable because you ignore the signs that they aren't into a true give/take kinda relationship. Spiritually someone can be empty of substance and unable to connect. Intellectually they can have all sorts of rationalizations for keeping their thoughts and ideas from their partner. There is a whole gambit of "unavailable" IMO.