A Question

lantern

lantern

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Here's my question,

If you knew the truth about something, that affected an important person in your life, but there is no repercussion or change likely to happen with this truth and it would only cause them pain, would you tell them? Or would you want to be told?

Like, if you found out a close friend's ex boyfriend was cheating on them but this wouldn't change anything and only hurt your friend...

Or like if you found out you had a medical illness causing personality/behaviour changes and mental issues that directly caused your partner to break up with you...

I guess my real question is how much is the truth worth when it will only cause more pain? Do you really always need to tell the truth? Is truth worth anything when it's shared and can't change anything?
 
If it wouldn't change anything except hurting the person, there isn't any positive reason to do that.

Lying/hiding the truth is not more wrong or right than telling the truth is.
 
While I prefer to be completely honest, sometimes this benefits only me. While I prefer a clear conscience, if it harms someone else, it's not worth it.

There really are times when the truth is better left unknown. Truth really is mutable and subjective. And truth and honesty aren't the same thing.

I have general rules when it comes to whether I tell someone something or not, but I mostly go on a case by case basis. I try to weigh the benefits vs. the risks as well as I can, realizing the subjectivity of my own understanding in any given situation. If I'm in serious doubt of whether it would be better to share the information I have or not, I keep my mouth shut. If asked point blank, I'll tell the truth as I know it, as long as doing so does not betray another person's confidence.
 
lantern said:
Here's my question,

If you knew the truth about something, that affected an important person in your life, but there is no repercussion or change likely to happen with this truth and it would only cause them pain, would you tell them? Or would you want to be told?

Like, if you found out a close friend's ex boyfriend was cheating on them but this wouldn't change anything and only hurt your friend...

Or like if you found out you had a medical illness causing personality/behaviour changes and mental issues that directly caused your partner to break up with you...

I guess my real question is how much is the truth worth when it will only cause more pain? Do you really always need to tell the truth? Is truth worth anything when it's shared and can't change anything?
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You are overlooking one positive outcome: if you tell your friend you will get it out of your system. You won't have the secret burdening you.

This is the only reason I think there is even a question about telling. The real question is: is the unburdening of your mind worth causing your friend pain?
 
[URL="http://forums.infjs.com/[MENTION=3072 said:
Majesty[/MENTION]"][MENTION=3072]Majesty[/MENTION][/URL];477476]If it wouldn't change anything except hurting the person, there isn't any positive reason to do that.

Lying/hiding the truth is not more wrong or right than telling the truth is.
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I agree with Majesty.

The general "Do No Harm" rule is this:

1. Is it truthful?
2. Is it timely?
3. Is it beneficial?

If all 3 of these conditions are met, then telling them the information is warranted.

You sound as if you are between a rock and a hard place. I wish you luck whatever you do.
 
I'm not really going to do the get it out of your system thing, it's on my mind but only because I can't decide what to do. If I had a decision about what I can do to move forward I would be fine with whichever choice, it's just that I can't move past this fork.

Also, telling someone the truth shouldn't be just for me to feel better about. I don't care if it bothers me, what doesn't. This isn't about me clearing my mind, it's about what's the best choice....I'm also planning on the say nothing if no one asks and if someone asks point blank I will tell them...

I don't want to be selfish and share the information, it's not really a secret, only to hurt someone. And it will.
 
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The truth is probably best, IF you were not instructed to keep this a secret. It's just freedom of information that you have access to and your friend has not yet received. For the example you gave "close friend's ex boyfriend was cheating on them but this wouldn't change anything and only hurt your friend...". You are correct that it will most likely cause your friend some pain, however we can grow through pain. It is possible something WILL change if you tell your friend. Your friend will gain the knowledge(along with maybe some pain) which they can then use to make decisions(more informed/possibly better) about future relationships.

It's your decision in the end, hope it's the right one for you! :)
 
i value truth, always.

i would tell and i would like to be told.
 
lantern said:
Here's my question,

If you knew the truth about something, that affected an important person in your life, but there is no repercussion or change likely to happen with this truth and it would only cause them pain, would you tell them? Or would you want to be told?

Like, if you found out a close friend's ex boyfriend was cheating on them but this wouldn't change anything and only hurt your friend...

Or like if you found out you had a medical illness causing personality/behaviour changes and mental issues that directly caused your partner to break up with you...

I guess my real question is how much is the truth worth when it will only cause more pain? Do you really always need to tell the truth? Is truth worth anything when it's shared and can't change anything?
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About cheating: I wouldn't tell them right away if it was a recent break up. But you never know when someone is thinking about getting back together with an ex, and they also might have felt insane or paranoid about their boyfriend cheating and never known they were right. If it were me, I'd want to know. I don't want to know who they're dating now or whatever, but I want to know exactly how bad my mistakes were so I can learn from them. You might think it might not change anything in a physical or external matter, but it could bring a lot of closure to someone, among other things.

As far as the medical condition... yes. If its a new relationship, of course not until you're comfortable sharing. However, as someone that was in a relationship with a man that did not disclose he was on anti-psychotics, I feel strongly about that. Your partner deserves to know, because they will be sacrificing or risking a lot to be with you. My ex went off his medication and beat me within an inch of my life from paranoid and unfounded jealousy. It doesn't matter if that isn't the situation, it matters that I should have had all the information to make my own choices. I think keeping that information when in a committed monogamous relationship is very wrong. Its not about where it is now, its not about where the condition COULD go. I'm sorry you're in the position of having that kind of information. I HATE being in that situation.

Its not just that its the truth, its their truth. I think they deserve to know and I think only their parent has the right to control how much of their own truth they know.

Good luck, and again I'm sorry you're in the situation =/ its not fair for anybody.
 
No, I don't usually tell the truth if it only hurts with no or little benefit. It seems selfish to indulge myself in being truthful all the time at someone else's expense.
 
lantern said:
I'm not really going to do the get it out of your system thing, it's on my mind but only because I can't decide what to do. If I had a decision about what I can do to move forward I would be fine with whichever choice, it's just that I can't move past this fork.

Also, telling someone the truth shouldn't be just for me to feel better about. I don't care if it bothers me, what doesn't. This isn't about me clearing my mind, it's about what's the best choice....I'm also planning on the say nothing if no one asks and if someone asks point blank I will tell them...

I don't want to be selfish and share the information, it's not really a secret, only to hurt someone. And it will.
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[MENTION=4120]lantern[/MENTION];

Ok, there is a certain value in knowing the facts which are/were/will be pertinent to one's life. That value is not simply at the level of it being useful in making decisions directly connected to that information.

In the case of your friend, the split has already happened, so telling will have no immediate practical use. Nevertheless knowing is valuable in itself. Perhaps knowing that there was cheating going on in the past may help your friend to make better judgements about romances in the future.

However, if knowing about the cheating is likely to cause your friend to withdraw emotionally (eg. through developing trust issues/anxiety), or to judge herself a fool - then this information is more detrimental than valuable.


The question is: will knowing about the cheating help make your friend more wise; or will it adversely affect her judgement (perhaps to the detriment of future relationships)?
 
Lying and hiding the truth can just make the problem worse. Very few cases end with a person not finding out. But it depends on what exactly it is though. If it's cheating, I'd tell.
 
Sometimes, even worst truth can possibly be useful when you are thinking about similar cases, and help this person. I think that good preparation of confession can ease eventual pain.
 
K-gal said:
I agree with Majesty.

The general "Do No Harm" rule is this:

1. Is it truthful?
2. Is it timely?
3. Is it beneficial?

If all 3 of these conditions are met, then telling them the information is warranted.

You sound as if you are between a rock and a hard place. I wish you luck whatever you do.
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This, and;

Future problems. Does telling (or not telling) the secret will prevent or cause further, grander pain to occur?
I would tell the friend, about the cheating, because while it will hurt them -now-, not telling her after longer attachment and trust had been built will...devastate them later.
 
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How can something cause no change yet cause pain?
 
corndogman said:
How can something cause no change yet cause pain?
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ahh this is true.

I think my thoughts right now are that:

I would want to know (though this seems a bit selfish...but its just what I think)

People deserve to know the truth (though naturally I just can't get enough guilt and pain and I don't like making anyone else feel that way...)

This specific person has said they would want to know, even if it hurt them. This is probably the most important part.

It's going to have consequences that I can't really predict. This is the hardest part for me. I guess I'm scared about what it could change.

I am going to tell the person in some time, when I can fully decide what I'm going to say.
 
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