About INFJ and INTJ dynamics

[zxgjhnmfm659]

INFJ with strong NT here.

It's you.

Take a day, go off and find your own happiness. When you find your own happiness, come back to your S/O.

Do you feel the same?

If you feel the same after finding some happiness, whatever that might be, the "love" you're looking for is present in your S/O.

If they fill the gap in-between "just being there" and "being your everything and absolute" unfortunately, they're doing their job perfectly.

If you want more than that, that's fine, but that's all in your hands.

INFJs are perfect in their mind, and expect perfect from others naturally. It's not going to happen.

Try dating another INFJ, and watch if the stars don't align, the cosmos and the beyond don't sync, it'll be exactly the same.

Take what you got, and enjoy it because nothing is permanent in this world.

Once you realize that you "idea" of "what you want" is just "what you want" you'll realize how much you actually already have.

Treat yourself.

 

[John K]

I guess this is a whole vent. I'm just really tired. They both do very nice things to me too, and even though my bf doesn't initiate contact, she's always available to meet me and so on. I laugh a lot with them both, we think quite similarly on many things, I like their intelligence and wit... But I feel drained. I feel like I'm doing all the emotional work and getting 0 input back. Wittiness can't replace emotional intelligence to me, ever. Intelligence can't replace passion and physical acts of love, ever. I have finally understood it. I don't know what to do. Please don't think I haven't told them both several times very clearly what my needs and wishes are... Because I have. They might act accordingly for a few days, and then they go back being "robots". They simply don't need me or anyone like we need others.

My thoughts are very much along the lines of what others have said here. But - do take what I add as things to ponder rather than as advice, because it's hard to really know your situation properly from just a few comments in a forum thread.

One thing I'd add is that it feels like you are placing increasingly strong emotional demands on your INTJs which it seems like they cannot meet, and it's probably pushing them away. INTJs are driven by a sense of deep loyalty underneath the surface and it may well be you are making them feel uneasy and guilty, but are unable to give you everything you need - this is a guaranteed way to erode a relationship. My wife is an INTJ and I'm very aware of this aspect of her character. That's not saying that you are at fault, because we all have core things that are essential to our peace and happiness, but pushing them in the way you seem to be doing is likely to make things worse rather than better.

Maybe it's time to take stock of what you really need, as @Asa implied, and start to get serious about whether you can obtain it all through these two people. From what you have said, it sounds like there is much that they do give you and it might be that you would only realise that and miss them if they were no longer in your life. If that is the case, then your relationship with them would probably improve if you took the pressure off, and simply went along at their pace rather than trying to force it. The price of this is that you would have to meet some of your deepest emotional needs through other people. That could be relatively easy with your friend who sounds like she'd be very happy to carry on as in times gone by if you spend less time with her and more time with others, but it's another matter with your SO. You really do need to sit and discuss this with him, because if it isn't resolved and you can't come to some kind of change in the way you relate to each other, then it will put your relationship under very deep stress - he needs to understand that you might need to break up with him if things don't improve. Does he already understand that? If he is an INTJ then he must have some idea that things are not good between you, and it might be better to bring this to a head rather than just drift on letting your resentment and frustration fester. I'm not talking about the conversations you have already had, but making clear to him the existential threat to your relationship that you seem to be expressing here in this thread.

You haven't mentioned any other family - do you have family members who are more like yourself in their emotional make-up? If so, maybe you could spend more time with them and get the more expressive love you need from them if this would take the pressure off your SO and keep you on an even keel. But that's a bit of a palliative and it sounds like you both might have to take some serious initiative and put some hard work in if your relationship is going to survive. It might be worth considering using a relationship counsellor to help with this.

I do hope you can find a way through all this Daeme. It's so hard when you are feeling starved of loving affection and need so much to be cherished.

 

[Sarahhh]

You can't have everything though. A relationship with an NF has different challenges - and I speak as someone who's had two relationships with ENFPs. On paper its the dream relationship - but in reality it's draining in a different way from your INTJ. With an enfp, you get smothered - you have to fight for alone time. And the drama... another NF knows how to make it really hurt. No one has ever hurt me as much as an ENFP. So don't idealise those relationships - they have many good sides, but it's not all a bed of roses.

Bottom line is all relationships entail some compromises, and you have to figure out what are your dealbreakers and what you can compromise on.

 

[Y1gtfmd74i5u]

Hi all. I'm Europian F in my 30's. I'm INFJ, tested several times. My SO is M, my best friend is F, both several times tested as INTJs. I have been with my SO for 5 years, known my bf for 10 years.

To put it shortly; during the pandemic and other massive things happening in my life, I have realized that in order to feel myself safe and loved, I need lots of emotional closeness and intimacy from my closest relationships.

I have also realized, that the two biggest and "closest" relationship in my life don't give those things to me.

Now, I never entered these relationships to change these people. Because you can't really change people. I still feel and always have felt, that I love them to bits. I also believe that they do, too, care for me 110%. The problem is, that I guess I didn't know anything about how INTJs (I didn't
know anything about MBTI at the time) operate with other people before I got to know them. It sounds really harsh, but they really don't need other people's physical, or, especially, emotional closeness like other people do. There's always this emotional wall, that I can't seem to go through no matter how many years go past, they never truly tell me how they feel or what they think. As an INFJ, I live in my head a lot and I love my solitude. But man, do they do it hardcore! My bf has initiated contact with me twice during the past 5 years. Twice - it's so rare that I keep book, yes. I'm always the one initiating. She also never gets the obvious hints I'm trying to give her, when I've been missing talking with her, that I would love to keep talking just a little bit more. She never checks up on me even if she knows that I'm ill, or going through tough times. Nor does she ever ask about my work, family or my relationship with my SO, even though I keep asking how's hers. To a party she might bring her other friend and then pretty much ignore me the whole evening, and she doesn't understand what's weird about that. Last spring there was this one outdoor party we both went, and because of pandemic I haven't drank at all except that time, and of course I got quite hammered... And literally everyone else were asking me am I getting home safely, but her. She didn't ask me once am I OK, should she walk with me, or something that I would have asked her if she was in my shoes (I took a taxi, no worries guys). No-one could ever tell in social situations that we in fact are bfs, because she acts so detached!

My SO doesn't initiate stuff either, if you know what I mean. Not even when I ask him nicely or not so nicely to please initiate sometimes too. He just says he "doesn't naturally need that kind of things that often", which seems to mean the same as "pretty much never"... Those things aside, he isn't an a**hole as a person, or on the autism spectrum, but he doesn't understand many social cues and he just doesn't understand emotions very well. He doesn't get it that my dad can't walk as fast because my dad is very sick and fragile, has been for years now, no matter how many times I repeat myself to him. He doesn't give me the things I wish for X-mas, something kind of like the thing, but never the actual thing, so I've stopped hoping for the actual things... Even if I give him the link, he doesn't get the actual thing, it's ridiccilous. He doesn't converse with our guests, he doesn't make food for me too etc. He never suggest that he could massage my shoulders or feet, even though it's a thing I have been asking for years now, because of my work that gets hard on my body often - it doesn't cross his mind that it's something I could need and something that would make me feel good.

Both of them are bad huggers too. They stand too far away, they get all stiff, they don't give that nice squeeze etc. It's like a limp handshake. Sorry for all of you who don't like hugs either, but as a hugger I'm terrified of hugging them.

I guess this is a whole vent. I'm just really tired. They both do very nice things to me too, and even though my bf doesn't initiate contact, she's always available to meet me and so on. I laugh a lot with them both, we think quite similarly on many things, I like their intelligence and wit... But I feel drained. I feel like I'm doing all the emotional work and getting 0 input back. Wittiness can't replace emotional intelligence to me, ever. Intelligence can't replace passion and physical acts of love, ever. I have finally understood it. I don't know what to do. Please don't think I haven't told them both several times very clearly what my needs and wishes are... Because I have. They might act accordingly for a few days, and then they go back being "robots". They simply don't need me or anyone like we need others.

I think I'm much more suitable with other NFs...

Sorry for the vent.

Well..
I’m not sure. I still question my type as is. Infj infp intj. What the heck ever it is.
Personally I see peopl having a hard time with intimacy as someone who perhaps is dealing with their trauma and relying on a strong amount of self control. In theory with what mbti says, it would be a repressed thing to express emotionally with people as an intj as any shadow state would. I’ve learned it’s better to stop caring all the time and letting my emotions get worked out with time. I think we all need that anyway. Whether it be with personal integrity or healing.
I’d give it time and maybe not expect too much from the relationship. Perhaps you’re teaching your friend more than you understand even if you don’t feel it being conveyed the way you would express it.

 

[Asa]

You can't have everything though. A relationship with an NF has different challenges - and I speak as someone who's had two relationships with ENFPs. On paper its the dream relationship - but in reality it's draining in a different way from your INTJ. With an enfp, you get smothered - you have to fight for alone time. And the drama... another NF knows how to make it really hurt. No one has ever hurt me as much as an ENFP. So don't idealise those relationships - they have many good sides, but it's not all a bed of roses.

Bottom line is all relationships entail some compromises, and you have to figure out what are your dealbreakers and what you can compromise on.

This is so true. If there were a perfect type we'd all be it.

I have introverted friends who've started hiding from the EXFXs they date because they can't get a moment alone and feel smothered by kindness and attention. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

 

[Anomaly]

I was just thinking about this, and I think I may have projected my experience of INTJs onto your experience. If that's the case, I apologize.

I think it's easy to generalize a type, but I've certainly been treated in an uncaring way by an INTJ before, so it isn't beneath them to choose pain over grace or cruelty over kindness, especially if they feel justified in it.

In your case, maybe there is some bitterness there from both of y'all that needs to be dealt with, or maybe he doesn't feel that his 'love language' is being spoken so he refuses to "speak" yours.

Relationships and friendships that last that long create a space that is not so easily filled by another. Connections are hard enough to come by, and severing people from your life is extremely painful.

The point is, you do have a choice. You can choose love, even if he doesn't, even if your friend doesn't. Or, you can choose loss. The question you might need to ask yourself is, "Will severing these relationships really lead to a better life? Or am I overlooking the possibility that this could work with some changes, and my life wouldn't be worse for having them?"

Closing the door on someone leaves wounds on both people. Just something to think about.

I hope whatever you decide, you have peace about it.