Alter ego

[mintoots]

I often felt as if I had to prove myself. I was extremely naive and likely didn't seem old enough or mature enough maybe to teach them, understandably. Now, I could be the parent of many if not most of my

LOL I can relate to this. I obsessively prepared for each class because I was afraid they'd sniff out my imposter self. Over time though I gained confidence in my capability and also realized that they weren't vultures really but possible sounding boards. Haha.

At its very heart, this is about authenticity - a term that sounds technical but is really as visceral as we can get. How can we truly find our true self in the middle of all the projections we have to accept off all the people who place them on us in certain kinds of jobs

Hehehe. I remember a time when I hid my fan girl tendencies from my students because I was afraid they would stop taking me seriously but then I found that I could cajole with them based on common interests so then we eventually found ourselves camping together in front of the airport as we waited for our favorite celebrity to descend from the airplane. Loooool. It was unforgettable. I used to be soooo embarrassed to even remember that it happened but now I laugh with them whenever we reminisce. Plenty of them have gone on to graduate and have become more my equals rather than my students.

I think perhaps I started to embrace authenticity in bits and pieces. I think that mostly my personas are probably more inauthentic whenever the interaction is new and I'm anxious about how new characters would perceive me. There is a need to be liked, which is risky because what if they did like me and I wasn't truly myself? I think that mixed bag of emotions makes me nervous and somewhat shy and anxious and a bit of a wreck internally which could be sniffed out by sharper intuitive perceivers. I then come out as weird or clingy or toxic which is funny altogether. This is only mostly true in social situations though. In professional situations, I tend to be more certain of my role and purpose in a given setting so I focus on that and I come out as confident or sometimes incredibly intense about something.

But I think in total, yes, you are on to something in describing these versions of ourselves that could be alternate personas to more complex other sides of us.