Appropriate means of communication

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Excuse any mistakes made in this post, it was typed on an iPad after all.

Anyways what is it that makes some modes of communication more acceptable than others? I confess that this thread is inspired by another thread. Hopefully it isn't offensive to that person. There seems to be a communication hierarchy when it comes to breaking bad news to people. You shouldn't break up with people over the phone, it's cowardly. You shouldn't post bad news via Facebook. Etc. why are only some things allowed to be told only through f2f communication?
 
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Maybe it's because somethings require the presence of another person in order for the information to be considered reliable. Also, it often proves that the other person is serious about the problem. That's my opinion, dunno if anyone will agree with me :D.
 
I think people may feel like certain topics and certain messages ought to be treated with respect and relayed in a more personal manner unless it is not possible to relay the message any other way.
 
Do you think mbti type plays a factor in how it should be relayed? I know that I prefer things to be told to me a little bit matter of factly. Ie if I was being dumped I would prefer it to be over the phone and then a hang up, it's not time for negotiating and that person doesn't need to be there for me in this "time of need".

When my grandma was dying I got a fb message to call my mom, even though my parents live in town and could easily drive to tell me. It seems like that is more worthy a f2f convo than a measley break up. Yet, I didn't get a sense of wrong doing on their behalf.
 
I would prefer a breakup over the phone as well, though I don't know about the hang up part. ;)

I don't know if MBTI factor would play a role? I know I was raised in a reserved and private environment. Letters, texts, phone calls and emails are/were preferred over face to face communication for difficult subjects. However, I know now through experience that most people aren't that way. As a result, I always make sure that I don't send difficult messages to people through channels that might make the receiver think I don't care. It's just not worth it.
 
I think it's fine to use Facebook to arrange a meeting or say something like "call your mom" but to give all of the information about something potentially traumatic in text is pretty bad. It leaves the person to simply face that, possibly alone, and definitely unable to talk about it or have it broken to them a bit gently. There is no chance for the person to brace themselves for bad news they just...find out.

If there is no other way then these things are fantastic. They allow people to be contacted when there would otherwise be no way and that really is a good thing but too often it is used because it is impersonal and I'm not sure I like that.

For some things you need everything else as well as the words. The tone of voice, the facial expressions, body language. Things that make communication between two people seem real. Even a letter shows a bit more time has gone into the message so you know it isn't as half-arsed as a text or Facebook message.

I could go on more about how instant communication and being accessible at all times isn't good for a person but that would be going off topic and would also be pretty boring.
 
If someone was intending to break up with me, I'd prefer that they give little subtle hints about their inability to cope with my neurotic behavior and delay/cancel dates with me, as opposed to dragging my emotions in the mud by meeting up over a 50-minute coffee date. :p
 
I would prefer break up by phone. I think as many have already said, it's the personal nature of the communication, and the feeling that it shows respect for the person not to break up by text. People today hide behind technology, because they don't want to face the consequences of their actions, which involve someone else's feelings. If you use impersonal ways of communicating a message then you don't have to hear the hurt in their voice or see the surprise or disappointment in their face. Or you don't have to deal with their anger, even if those feelings are justified. Many people feel they deserve a clean break even when they don't. Unfortunately, we sometimes don't want to deal with other people's emotions especially if we're the cause of those emotions. It's easier to distance ourselves and move on if you don't have to face them ftf.
 
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Be blunt. If the nature of the thing warrants it, be blunt in person.
 
All I'm saying is if I get diagnosed with cancer...that shits going on Facebook. I don't want the emotional exhaustion of face to faceing everyone!
 
I like direct people, direct conversations, preferably in person. If I'll be slowly dying nobody, but the ones on my side, is going to know it until I'm dead.
In this day and age even a phone call becomes personal...
 
UBERROGO said:
Do you think mbti type plays a factor in how it should be relayed? I know that I prefer things to be told to me a little bit matter of factly. Ie if I was being dumped I would prefer it to be over the phone and then a hang up, it's not time for negotiating and that person doesn't need to be there for me in this "time of need".

When my grandma was dying I got a fb message to call my mom, even though my parents live in town and could easily drive to tell me. It seems like that is more worthy a f2f convo than a measley break up. Yet, I didn't get a sense of wrong doing on their behalf.
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Well, you know, maybe the person being broken up with over the phone sees it as cowardly -- or the person being broken up with is really mad because they are being denied the opportunity to argue/negotiate/cry/...whatever to the dumper.

Which they are, actually.

But I would think as long as appropriate explanations, discussions, and opportunities to talk are given prior to the phone call, that would fall under the category of "you can't always get what you want", as Mick Jagger always said.

But that is totally different from things like death or serious illness. When someone is dying, there are so many extenuating circumstances... so many. Such as the communicator simply being insanely busy, having their attention seriously distracted, being emotionally distraught, being just exhausted -- imo, whatever means of communication a person thinks is best in those situations is okay, that is their business, and the communicatee needs to cut them some serious slack and understand that things are going on in this situation that have nothing to do with them and their hurt feelings.

(And I'm very sorry about your grandma.)
 
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Informing someone about a death or dying also isn't an absolute-- dying is a precursor to changes and rallying around the dying one, and death is a precursor to everyone getting together for the funeral, which is the 'final goodbye'. I'd say that the degree of finality involved with the telling determines whether or not it should occur face to face or not. On the other hand, sometimes you do need to be practical about things.

I think if you were breaking up with someone long-distance than it's acceptable to do it over e-mail or phone, but if you were breaking up with someone who lives half an hour away from you over the phone then yeah, you pretty much suck... unless they're psycho and are going to make it harder than it should be.

In some hospitals they will tell you good news over the phone (or just not tell you anything at all as healthy people are not a priority). They will ask you to come in for bad news-- though this isn't always the case, because doing things this way does sort of set a trend where you are, in fact, telling someone bad news over the phone by asking them to come in.

So yeah, the finality of the thing should make the difference.
 
knight in battle said:
If someone was intending to break up with me, I'd prefer that they give little subtle hints about their inability to cope with my neurotic behavior and delay/cancel dates with me, as opposed to dragging my emotions in the mud by meeting up over a 50-minute coffee date. :p
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I disagree. I'd rather someone respect me enough to have the courage to face me and break it off in person as opposed to being a coward and doing it on the phone/text message.
 
bionic said:
I disagree. I'd rather someone respect me enough to have the courage to face me and break it off in person as opposed to being a coward and doing it on the phone/text message.
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Why is he a coward if he tells you that way?
 
bionic said:
I disagree. I'd rather someone respect me enough to have the courage to face me and break it off in person as opposed to being a coward and doing it on the phone/text message.
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LOL I <3 you bio, and I get what you are saying here. But I have to say, this is exactly the kind of attitude that would make me way too terrified to do something like this in person and make me more inclined to break up via words or a short phone call. I don't want a huge outpouring of emotions in my face, or to start bawling because I feel so bad that I have to do it at all in the first place while I'm trying to make my point.

Yeah I guess that makes me a coward, but it would be more cowardly for me to stay around and deal with being unhappy forever because I'm too much of a sissy to deal with the in my face consequences of hurting someone that badly, right? :[

Although I think, if I knew I had a partner that was like you in this regard and really wanted or needed it to be done that way in order to have closure or to feel really respected, I would suffer it and do it for them.
 
UBERROGO said:
Why is he a coward if he tells you that way?
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If he has the courage to date me in the first place (lol!) and ask me out face-to-face than I would expect him to have courage to break up with me in person as well. I think it's cowardly to do it in text because that's just so impersonal, it pretty much implies to me "Oh I'm too chicken to talk to you and respect your emotions after the time we shared". I have similar sentiments about the phone but I could still hear his voice, so the closeness could still be there... only somewhat though. I just feel it's more meaningful for someone to do it face-to-face than to completely disregard my feelings and leave me in the dust. If it was a serious relationship we had, I definitely hope he'd honor me in this manner and respect my feelings enough to give me the closure I may need. Vice versa as well.

Jill Hives said:
LOL I <3 you bio, and I get what you are saying here. But I have to say, this is exactly the kind of attitude that would make me way too terrified to do something like this in person and make me more inclined to break up via words or a short phone call. I don't want a huge outpouring of emotions in my face, or to start bawling because I feel so bad that I have to do it at all in the first place while I'm trying to make my point.

Yeah I guess that makes me a coward, but it would be more cowardly for me to stay around and deal with being unhappy forever because I'm too much of a sissy to deal with the in my face consequences of hurting someone that badly, right? :[

Although I think, if I knew I had a partner that was like you in this regard and really wanted or needed it to be done that way in order to have closure or to feel really respected, I would suffer it and do it for them.
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I wasn't calling you a coward. :confused:

That's the thing though.... I've been broken up with before and have broken up with someone. I'm not the hysterical crying kind, nor have I ever cried after a sit-down break-up. I would just want someone to honor and respect me enough, despite how they personally feel, and be able to say "It's over". 'Cause it shows me; that despite the shame, guilt, or fear they have... they still love me enough as a person to grant me this ending. That they'll still take time to put in the effort and get up, get dressed, meet me somewhere; to do something most people wouldn't and face the difficult task of saying goodbye to someone you cared about.

Just my personal opinion/values though.
 
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I feel confused. would y'all prefer a break-up over the phone vs. a break-up by text, or a break-up over the phone vs. a break-up in person?

In addition to what's been said

Difficult situations usually have people asking questions, wanting to know the details, and wanting to understand. This tends to be easiest to accomplish via face to face discussion. Messages can be read to their fullest (body languages, words, tone of voice, etc.), the person is right there and accessible, we may be able to speak for as long as is needed, miscommunications can be cleared up on the spot, and so on.
 
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[MENTION=3799]bionic[/MENTION] - Oooops, didn't mean to make that sound like I was saying you were calling me a coward. D:
 
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