Are people shy? What's your philosophy on people who are socially anxious or shy

[toska]

I'm not denying that in certain contexts and the way people communicate their observations makes it seems like a defect, but you know, not all people think there's something wrong with you for being quiet. They might just be trying to get a handle on your personality and trying to understand what makes you tick. You guys forget that sometimes quietness can be hard to read, especially if you yourself are a 'live-out-loud' person. People being able to say, 'oh, I understand, that person just isn't that out-going or they're shy' is a way of acceptance as well.

Yes I definitely know the difference. I can usually tell when someone is pointing out my quietness because it's making them uncomfortable and they want to make sure that it's not because I'm upset or just don't like them. Then I don't mind. I usually tell them that yes, I've always been on the quiet and shy side and then we both feel a little more comfortable.

 

[barbad0s]

I'm going to introduce an opinion that is going to smell controversial to most of you.


I'm certain that most people have a little bit of shyness in them, it's just that some people hide it better than others. They hide it in order to not show that they are scared, because fear means you are weak and vulnerable.

I think that while shyness can open the doors to positive character traits or is linked to positive results, shyness in and of itself is simply fear and apprehension, and is therefore a form of WEAKNESS, plain and simple.

Shyness can result in strength in the same way that having Irritable Bowel Syndrome can. Having IBS in and of itself is a weakness, but it may cause the person to choose healthier foods and to, in the end, have better health than the average person. Likewise, shyness often causes the person to have more time to spend being observant and learning more, or being more empathetic towards others. Being shy can be a good trait to have when it comes to needing to stay out of conflict. I am often drawn to shy people because I associate many positive compensative or associated qualities with shyness. However, if they did not develop any positive qualities in themselves by association, then being shy would be a negative thing to be.

 

[Gaze]

I am not sure why it's difficult to understand that a term which usually has more negative than positive connotations when used will create defensiveness especially for those who've had a lifetime of people being annoyingly patronizing when they label you with it? Of course, you're going to be bothered by it. I am not sure why that's so difficult to understand.

 

[sassafras]

I am not sure why it's difficult to understand that a term which usually has more negative than positive connotations when used will create defensiveness especially for those who've had a lifetime of people being annoyingly patronizing when they label you with it? Of course, you're going to be bothered by it. I am not sure why that's so incomprehensible.

Because, believe it or not, quietness and shyness are not universally panned. Depending on your cultural, social and familial upbringing, they're actually seen as positive traits in many cultures, including my own.

Furthermore, if you're not the type of person who judges someone for being shy or quiet and can't fathom why someone would hate on a personality trait like it, why would you automatically think you should be careful about the way you use the term?

I'm sorry you had those bad experiences, Genuine, but not everyone is a judgmental douchebag. Even if they weren't raised in a household that prized conscientiousness and introversion, being an outgoing person doesn't mean you're automatically going to think someone is weird for conducting themselves more reservedly in a social situation. I think people need to meet in the middle here.

 

[just me]

Which is why questioning why people are shy or always implying someone's shyness is some kind of defect or deficiency is a problem. It assumes something negative. It encourages someone to automatically feel bad about themselves just because they're shy. And it's annoying when people tell you you're "shy" when you're simply MYOB, or simply being quiet and reserved. This "issue" with shyness is similar to being told that because you're not outgoing, "you're anti-social". It sticks in your head, and you believe that this who you are rather than realize it's a perception. Being judged like that makes you think more negatively about yourself and think something is really wrong with you or that you need to do something outwardly to show people you are confident or be more verbal or outgoing to prove them that you have good self esteem. *rolls eyes*. That's nonsense. Sometimes, shyness, as I've experienced it is more about not wanting to dominate conversations or wanting to accommodate balance in a conversation and not overpower or overwhelm, especially in new situations so you observe and wait to see how you would respond. Nothing is wrong with being careful or cautious about what you say and how. I'd prefer that to someone blurting things out without thinking.

@just me - quite agree. Some people don't have a filter and think it's cute or funny to say everything they think, it's like verbal diarrhea. In any case, if someone finds that being shy is a hindrance to achieving what they want, then they may later lose it or grow out of it. But it's they who should decide for themselves rather than having someone tell them they need to speak up or stop being shy.

Oh, it doesn't bother everyone. That is just the other side of the spectrum.

 

[Tin Man]

I agree with [MENTION=3998]niffer[/MENTION]. I think all people are some bit shy but it depends on the situation. You might feel confident talking to a group but flustered when around someone you feel attracted to. Most extroverts I know can be very shy but they find it easier to mask than introverts.

It's interesting. I would consider myself more reserved than shy but I wonder was that an evolution from shyness. There is undoubtedly a difference between being reserved and social anxiety but I wonder does one come about from the other.

Also, where does introversion fit into all of this. As I said, I believe that extroverts feel shyness, but it's a trait more associated with introversion. Is this a correlation or a causation?

 

[Gaze]

Because, believe it or not, quietness and shyness are not universally panned. Depending on your cultural, social and familial upbringing, they're actually seen as positive traits in many cultures, including my own.

Furthermore, if you're not the type of person who judges someone for being shy or quiet and can't fathom why someone would hate on a personality trait like it, why would you automatically think you should be careful about the way you use the term?

Seriously. Not everyone is a judgmental douchebag. I think people need to meet in the middle here.

Well, for most of my experience, the tendency is for people to judge and see the person they label shy as something negative or defective. So, of course, my response reflected that experience. My overall point is that no matter how much some may appreciate the trait, it's still considered a personality flaw which implies some development problem by the majority of those who see someone as shy or use the term. Our culture is obsessed with assertiveness, aggressiveness, outgoing, being noticeable, known, acknowledged, etc. So, qualities which appear opposite are often assumed to reflect some personal issue or problem.

@just me - I meant that people assume we should be bothered by it and that the focus should be treatment for rather than understanding and acceptance.

 

[sassafras]

I'm going to introduce an opinion that is going to smell controversial to most of you.


I'm certain that most people have a little bit of shyness in them, it's just that some people hide it better than others. They hide it in order to not show that they are scared, because fear means you are weak and vulnerable.

I think that while shyness can open the doors to positive character traits or is linked to positive results, shyness in and of itself is simply fear and apprehension, and is therefore a form of WEAKNESS, plain and simple.

Shyness can result in strength in the same way that having Irritable Bowel Syndrome can. Having IBS in and of itself is a weakness, but it may cause the person to choose healthier foods and to, in the end, have better health than the average person. Likewise, shyness often causes the person to have more time to spend being observant and learning more, or being more empathetic towards others. Being shy can be a good trait to have when it comes to needing to stay out of conflict. I am often drawn to shy people because I associate many positive compensative or associated qualities with shyness. However, if they did not develop any positive qualities in themselves by association, then being shy would be a negative thing to be.

Only you would compare something to IBS, Niffer.

Still, I would be careful to describe anything as a weakness in absolute terms.

I agree that everyone feels shy every once in a while, but shyness usually means you're not sure how to proceed in a social situation. It's social caution (or social modesty, if you prefer) and I think it's incorrect to state that it is a weakness in absolute terms. Depending on the circumstances, it could be also be a strength. Shy people are usually excellent listeners (sometimes by choice and sometimes not) and that can put them in a position of unique social power. When someone doesn't feel like they're competing for conversational space, they relax and put their guards down. Good listeners are usually perceived as trust-worthy and honest and even though you don't say much in the conversation, the person talking to you feels like they've made a connection and sometimes, likely because you know all their secrets by then, they even want to promote you or help you in some way.

My grandfather was like this. He was very quiet, never liked big groups of people and kept to himself most of the time, but whenever he went out somewhere, people just clicked with him. They felt comfortable in his presence. They didn't feel like he was judging them or that he would cheat them. And because of that, he was very successful sales person (which, by the way, is the traditional 'extroverts' playground). My grandmother, who by contrast could talk your fucking ear off (to this day she's like that; she has Alzheimer's, so it's worse because she repeats herself a lot) but people were less likely to seek out her company unless they wanted to compete with her for airspace.

It really depends on the situation. Sometimes 'weaknesses' are in fact strengths.

 

[barbad0s]

Only you would compare something to IBS, Niffer.

Still, I would be careful to describe anything as a weakness in absolute terms.

I agree that everyone feels shy every once in a while, but shyness usually means you're not sure how to proceed in a social situation. It's social caution (or social modesty, if you prefer) and I think it's incorrect to state that it is a weakness in absolute terms. Depending on the circumstances, it could be also be a strength. Shy people are usually excellent listeners (sometimes by choice and sometimes not) and that can put them in a position of unique social power. When someone doesn't feel like they're competing for conversational space, they relax and put their guards down. Good listeners are usually perceived as trust-worthy and honest and even though you don't say much in the conversation, the person talking to you feels like they've made a connection and sometimes, likely because you know all their secrets by then, they even want to promote you or help you in some way.

My grandfather was like this. He was very quiet, never liked big groups of people and kept to himself most of the time, but whenever he went out somewhere, people just clicked with him. They felt comfortable in his presence. They didn't feel like he was judging them or that he would cheat them. And because of that, he was very successful sales person (which, by the way, is the traditional 'extroverts' playground). My grandmother, who by contrast could talk your fucking ear off (to this day she's like that; she has Alzheimer's, so it's worse because she repeats herself a lot) but people were less likely to seek out her company unless they wanted to compete with her for airspace.

It really depends on the situation. Sometimes 'weaknesses' are in fact strengths.

None of these speak to what shyness is in and of itself. As I said, yes, shyness often garners positive results. But shyness in and of itself without attachment to the results of its manifestation in reality, is a weakness because it is a form of fear. I am not talking about quietness or reservation, or of any sort of exploitation of one's own shyness as a social tactic. I'm only talking about shyness period. To be cautious implies a form of intelligent prudence, which is something separate from a pure shyness that is just a general timidity towards others.

 

[sassafras]

None of these speak to what shyness is in and of itself. As I said, yes, shyness often garners positive results. But shyness in and of itself without attachment to the results of its manifestation in reality, is a weakness because it is a form of fear. I am not talking about quietness or reservation, or of any sort of exploitation of one's own shyness as a social tactic. I'm only talking about shyness period. To be cautious implies a form of intelligent prudence, which is something separate from a pure shyness that is just a general timidity towards others.

You're implying that fear and timidity are a weakness in all circumstances. Why?

 

[barbad0s]

You're implying that fear and timidity are a weakness in all circumstances. Why?

Fear and timidity do not manifest as weakness necessarily (as they can result in positive outcomes), but they are weaknesses because in and of themselves they are a force that holds a person back from taking action, and causes emotional distress to some extent, or they exist because someone doesn't know what to do in a particular situation--a lack of some kind of resource or security, whether intellectual or emotional, to fall back on, leaving them lost, uncertain, and therefore vulnerable. It's a weakness because it's something that needs to be overcome if the person harbouring it wants to do certain things.

In those examples that you gave, anyone who had enough social intelligence would have ended up acting in the same way that the "shy" people did, so any deliberateness in what they did would have had to be coupled with intelligence, and so shyness otherwise being an asset here would've just happened by chance.

 

[endersgone]

Hmm, "shyness" ...such a generalized term... brings my mind immediately to "social anxiety" ~ keep in mind that the manifestation of certain physical symptoms...timidity, fearfulness, "freezing up", etc..

These were/are evolutionary traits often developed by prey species.. to ensure higher survival rates (and subsequently more offspring). The applications of "shyness" for humans today (in our highly industrialized and social world) are minimal.. but that doesn't mean they're completely useless. I can imagine a few circumstances/situations where one might still find benefits.

 

[barbad0s]

Hmm, "shyness" ...such a generalized term... brings my mind immediately to "social anxiety" ~ keep in mind that the manifestation of certain physical symptoms...timidity, fearfulness, "freezing up", etc..

These were/are evolutionary traits often developed by prey species.. to ensure higher survival rates (and subsequently more offspring). The applications of "shyness" for humans today (in our highly industrialized and social world) are minimal.. but that doesn't mean they're completely useless. I can imagine a few circumstances/situations where one might still find benefits.

Shyness must be an emotional response that has branched off from the basic response of fear and has evolved to fill some kind of need as humans became more complex social creatures, but is only very distantly related to fear as it pertains to survival. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't feel shy or socially anxious when I encounter a grizzly bear.

Shyness must have evolved as a response to unfamiliar people or social situations which could potentially be threatening. It is an asset for when someone has no better options, because socially, hiding and not bringing attention to yourself, regardless of whether it is out of fear or inexperience, can often be the safest thing to do.

It still is at its core based off of fear, which unless is used for survival, is otherwise going to be a detrimental thing to have in and of itself.

 

[just me]

[MENTION=4798]Endersgone[/MENTION], This reminded me of a possum playing dead.

 

[Paladin-X]

I'm shy and forward. Sometimes at the same time!

 

[Soulfire]

Ah shyness...

My philosophy on shyness:

What causes shyness varies from one person to another. We are all different and have lived through different events in our lives that influenced/inspired who we are as individuals.
Many factors add up to how we react to certain things in life (like social interaction for example).

What shyness really means...hm...that's a good one! Very debatable. You'll have your logical reasons and then you'll have your reasons based on personal experience.
I like the combination of both, personally.
For some people it may be a sign of lack of confidence. ..for others it may be that they weren't really exposed to these kind of social scenarios while growing up.

Really, the question to ask here is very personal to each individual...so you won't get the same answer from everyone.

Is shyness a weakness? -- Only if it prevents you from being accomplished and reach your full potential.

 

[Breeze]

I used to be very shy when I was little but as I grew up it simply disappeared and I would just be quiet rather than shy.

I think people often act shy rather than be shy. An example of this would be that sometimes the people you go out with think it's really cute when you act in a particular way so you'll act shy sometimes and be playful (or is that just me . . .)

 

[Apone]

I don't think I have a philosophy on shy people… it's not really an issue that lends itself to philosophizing.

To me it has always implied more than just introversion-- it's a timidity or a reluctance to speak/inability to assert one's self in social situations. It resembles modesty and to that extent it can be charming under the right circumstances. But chances are the people who are socially anxious are not really like that inside, or wish they were another way. They are probably happier and feel more comfortable expressing themselves one on one or in smaller groups, but when they do they sometimes lack basic social skills and can come off as super self-absorbed or uncomfortably forthcoming-- it goes with being alone with yourself so much.

I don't think that it's the worst thing in the world, but I do think that it can interfere with your quality of life. It's sort of one of those problems that people don't really take seriously, so in that respect it's harder to deal with, because you just end up assuming that it's who you are.

I guess you can blame society for not being more accepting/understanding, but that attitude isn't going to help you to get very far-- the group is always going to be stronger than the individual, and in my experience humans are defined according to each other's standards to a much greater degree than they are defined by their own, no matter how unfair that seems or how much some people insist otherwise.

 

[Vict]

Inexperienced people are shy.

Experienced people are coy.

 

[Nixie]

I think that shy is a way to describe behavior, not people. Originally it has a connotation of being easily spooked or uneasy. We forget our predatory and animal nature at the core. Shyness is neither right nor wrong but it does impact how people react when you give off the impression of "shyness'. Some may try to soothe the "shy" person and in others it may bring out a predatory nature and evoke criticism or contempt.