Are you really isolated? How do you cope?

[StarsPer]

I'm talking about real isolation, not being home alone. Some others seem to understand this as a hard truth about life and suck it up and continue on with life in that circumstance.

I don't know how to do that. This life feels empty and miserable without human connection. I can't get over it, though, I am trying. It feels so unhealthy; it sickens me. I feel so unfulfilled; I don't know how to move on.

I need a lot of alone time, but not having a choice in your isolation, ever, for years and years and years... I have already gone mad, been morbidly depressed. I've become bitter and jaded in the extreme.

But still, I'm so desperate.

I try to fill my time with distractions, like painting, starcraft 2, being too stoned to feel this problem, listening to music, reading, working out. And it all feels like an effort to be normal and functional. To hold some semblance of being afloat, productive, and happy with an exclusively independent social circumstance. And I'm not. Happy. Only distracted, if that.

What I want more than anything just isn't here, and I feel in a perpetual state of remorse or breaking heart over this. I sit and feel sorry for myself, for this experiencing of life. I lament, I hate, I lash out, I sit and take the weight of it like a dead horse that can still feel it.

I seek desperately for what I'm after but am exclusively left with an exacerbating reminder of that complete isolation, further realized with every effort I make with people. I feel fucked. Like a robot set to desire x and x is simply not on my planet.

Sometimes, after a frantic response to the onset of this depressive awareness, I scatter myself in all social directions on the net. I reject my knowledge that it's empty out there, that people are shit to me, and try to go on a hunt to suddenly find something. I usually end up sitting in a chat room listening to people speak to each other and not participating, because I hate them, but am so pathetically trying to glean a little bit of impersonal social warmth from being around them.

Thoughts? Similar experience? Advice that won't make me feel alienated because it's built out of a positive inability to relate?

 

[Gaze]

Yeah, difficult. Sometimes, you feel so disconnected from everyone but on the other hand you want to feel connected to someone or something. I know the feeling of trying to use other things to fill that void. I've gone from feeling guilty about it, to hating myself for it, to accepting it, and trying to live through it. It's easy to feel alienated because of it because it creates a sense of feeling left out while others seem to be connecting. So, yeah, know what you mean. Not alone.

 

[toska]

Yes I go through phases where I can relate to all of this. When I do all of the things I'm supposed to do to prevent depression and these feelings still continue for months, the only thing that works for me is taking an ssri. Sometimes that still doesn't work...I just get through it somehow until it passes.

 

[randomsomeone]

Oh yes, I feel isolated and have for a great many years. It is less a feeling and more just a reality...I can't change the circumstances surrounding this. Still, I have been provided another side to the coin that makes the whole thing make sense and places it in a different context than one that leads down a negative path towards despair and bitterness. I say "provided" because it is not something I thought up or formed myself...it is a reality that I simply was able to notice outside my normal scope of vision. It has made a world of difference, but it still does not make it easy nor necessarily remove the feeling altogether. It just offers new options for understanding, options that present a "third way" that I would not have envisioned on my own.

I won't go past that as it is a very personal dynamic that is built on my own life exerience. All I'm saying is that sometimes options exist where there seems none, and this is cause for hope.

 

[KazeCraven]

I can relate, or at least I feel my experiences are relevant. But for me, it was a choice between tagging along with other people to hide from the truth or diving into the rabbit hole. I guess because I know I caused it I feel I can bear it.

And honestly, I wouldn't compare yourself to the people who are in your situation but can just "suck it up." Because while their external reality might be the same, their internal struggle is just not comparable.

 

[CorLeonis]

This is a struggle, indeed.

For my experience, the more isolated I am, the more I long for contact, and the more I long for contact, the less I get. Often because my desire is often read as desperation or need, rather than what it is.

This is still something that enters my life often, and even more so since I had a child and moved away from the place and people I knew and loved.

It is important, for me at least, to find my own worth. Often when I am happy with myself, I am not paying attention to what other people think of me, and therefore am less... intimidating? The words are failing me... but I hope you get the gist of that.

I find that creation is the one thing I can not escape from, whether I am isolated or with others... but creation is something I do not necessarily need others for. But when I begin to create, whether out of words, voice, or paint... it is something I do for me, and I feel happy and content with being alone. And once that happens, I tend to find people to share in my life, out of the places I least expected them.


I'm sorry that I cannot be of more help... again... this is something that resonates with me very much. And, I don't know if this applies to your situation, but I tend to hold myself back. I am very fearful of people, in general, and that can tend to scare people off. People, as a general rule, do not want to fight to know others. They want it to be easy. I am not an easy person to know, and maybe in making peace with that I can find other people who are more like me. I have found that people that are too easy to know think of me as a sounding board, and little else.

 

[Chamomile]

That sounds very familiar to me. But I'm not sure I understand what you mean about not having a choice in the isolation. Can you elaborate on that?

 

[jyrffw54]

I can relate to all of this, especially the doing everything you can to make yourself not feel disconnected.

I cope by going out to an extremely crowded place, and people watching

 

[Free Mind]

I can relate to that a lot from earlier experience. Just remember that you are not alone and many people go through the same thing. It's not neccesarily a bad thing, once overcome you can take away a lot from such an experience. Life experience. Take it 1 step at a time, accept the situation you are in. Be kind to yourself. Understand it, understanding the emotions you are going through. Be mindful would be the right term I guess...I went through a stage in life where I just always put myself against others and compared in great detail, finding my flaws, seeing what I did wrong, and doing this really put me into a state of huge depression that I was stuck in for quite some time. I have learnt to set goals for myself and not to compare myself to others. Try not to 'run' away from the problems you are going through, a distraction from the issue will only further prolong the 'pain'. I hope what I have said made sense, it kinda turned into a ramble about my own experience.

May I ask why do you sometimes hate people?

 

[Kgal]

First of all I wanted to note that what KazeCraven said is true...

And honestly, I wouldn't compare yourself to the people who are in your situation but can just "suck it up." Because while their external reality might be the same, their internal struggle is just not comparable.

No matter who you are - your internal hurt is just as valid as anyone else and their pain. Please try to keep this in mind the next time you find yourself comparing.

I was and am isolated in a variety of ways. These days more so because I live in a rural area and choose to stay away from the 'good ole boys' in these parts. I also chose to leave my husband and I'm finding that I miss a person to snuggle with.

I think a few years ago I was in a place somewhat similar to what you describe here. I was very depressed and was wondering what's the point of my life. I ran into so many people who are Extroverts and experience seekers just for the sake of the experience that I was convinced I was an alien on this planet.

Fortunately for me I had a series of events I chose to attend that broke my heart open. And then I went to see my counselor of old and he introduced me to a way of thinking that put my heart back together again without having to rely on another person.

I am not saying that we should - or - even could - live without other people in our lives to hug, hold hands, and snuggle with. No - they are very important to our well being. But there are other ways to be with people to make us feel alive with purpose on this world. There are many groups you could find to attend that might open up avenues of shared experiences and comradeship for you. If you would like I would be happy to help you look for some in your area.

But more importantly - there is another way to be with ourselves that finally gives us the love and compassion we need.

I don't know if you need scientific references and all that goes along with that kind of reasoning. If you do - you can dig deeper about the following subject I'm going to give you. For there is much research to support this topic. I will say that my counselor told me of this method and I have been practicing now for almost 3 years and it has changed my view of myself and the world.

Here is a link to a scientist that has combined several branches of science to come up with a method of learning to truly love and validate oneself. http://drdansiegel.com/about/audio_video_clips/

If you have time perhaps you can watch this one:

Google Personal Growth Series

Mindsight:The New Science of Personal Transformation

presented by Dr. Dan Siegel April 22, 2009

As part of the Google Personal Growth Series, Google University recently invited Dan Siegel to address two crucial questions: What is the mind? and How can we create a healthy mind? In his talk, Dr. Siegel examines and explores ways to create a healthy mind, an integrated brain, and mindful, empathic relationships.

With practice of this, one can see all of those aspects that were denied in one's life. This facilitates healing. You talked of being mad and depressed. I'm very glad to see that you made it through those dark periods of your life. Yet modern psychology can neglect an essential part of being human and that is our ability to heal the true pain hidden within us by accepting our emotions. I don't know what you've gone through - but if you are still filled with the pain of your existence - then I'm betting they did not fully grasp the measure of you.

Please excuse me if I've stepped on your toes in any way. I do not mean any offense to you and certainly am not trying to minimize your pain.

I only wish I could hand you a silver key and it would unlock all the joy within you. But the best I can do is point you in a direction that may very well be your special key.

 

[WellNoWonder]

I can relate to all of this, especially the doing everything you can to make yourself not feel disconnected.

I cope by going out to an extremely crowded place, and people watching

I do this too.

I actually didn't start doing this until the past 3 years or so after the disconnection came to be just too much to deal with. It's helped tremendously.

 

[Lisabeth]

I've had my experiences just like the person who posted the topic and I had come to find out later that I was just self absorbed. As much as I was a giver, it was all about me. How I felt, what I didn't have, how I was soooooo different etc... All my fears were selfish and self-centered. My own selfishness and warped perception keep me held me back. You know I hit a wall this week and bought into the delusion of woe is me and I thought maybe trying to connect with others like me the past couple of days was the answer, but nope. It's weird, it's like I'm not interested in people like me lol. I'm over my f-ery yet but I do know that I don't want to go back to keeping myself apart from the larger whole because there is no life there only isolation. If you don't want w....allow in your misery than stop with the me me me.....take the focus off you for once and think of someone else......find a belief, a purpose . I know it's not easy trust. There are means to help you on your way......oh and drugs aren't the answer.

 

[freybell]

Isolation is hard. When I'm feeling really alone, I try to use it as an opportunity to work on myself. Or at least identify things about myself that I'm unhappy with and would like to improve. I also journal--and even though it's frustrating that a journal can't talk back or give hugs, it's always a relief to pour my thoughts into it.

I find that as much as I hate being isolated, I often do things that result in my isolation. Like pushing people away. Or thinking that I somehow don't deserve someone to lean on. Or thinking that if I lean on someone else even in the littlest bit, they'll disappear on me. People are scary, but so is loneliness.

Also, sometimes it's not about "sucking it up" but rather acceptance. Once I accepted that I was having a really hard time with things and felt very much alone--things actually started getting better. And I was more open to them improving, because I had the attitude of "well, it can't get much worse than this." Sometimes taking social risks (as I think of them.. or "putting yourself out there") can have huge payouts. Other times being by yourself really isn't that bad.

 

[Galileo]

Absolutely. Even though I have a lot of people around me I still feel isolated.

I also feel isolated because few people understand me.
Most of my friends live overseas, because I made them all on online forums.
until I move to europe I tend to fill the void with online discussion and stuff. I have a lot of contact and interaction online wich gives me a feeling of connectedness.

I like it because it gives me a nearness without having ot be near to people, which I tend to like for the most part.

not to say that I wouldn't like to be near people some of the time, but they need to be people that I can trust to interact with in a social setting.

 

[tfg345i4u5lw]

Wow thank you so much for posting that. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

If you have family then stay close to them. If you don't have family then I can't give you any advise because I don't know what that is like.

I know what its like to fill the void with weed, alcohol, exercise, music, instruments, etc. I was in my most extreme isolation during college. I had no money, no furniture, no friends, no roommate, no family. Eventually I stopped exercising because I started thinking "why am I still doing this it doesn't change anything". I began to get very socially awkward and started thinking there was much more wrong with me than there really was. It didn't help that I was an all-star athlete in high school and the amount of attention I got stunted my mental growth. So when I got lonely, I got REALLY lonely. I would lay in bed for like a week at a time and I just gave up on life. I started grinding my teeth at night, developed health issues, lost hair, got morbidly skinny, started getting hella pimples. The pimples made me more embarrassed to go out and so it made the problem worse. It took like 4 years to completely recover from my rut but I feel stronger now because of it. I feel like I understand people better because of it.

I think our hardships make us stronger in the long run. You will eventually find some peace and your loneliness will make you stronger. If you ever wanna talk you can PM me.

 

[6string]

Yeah, I too can relate. Like at work in the break room, I'll be surrounded by people, and they're all like one big family, and I want to connect, but I don't really know how. And it's not that I necessarily want to connect with THEM... but I want to feel the connection that they have with each other. Even if I join in the conversation, it feels superficial and forced. I do far better with one on one interactions... but to find one with whom I can have this interaction naturally without it feeling faux is difficult. I must admit though, that over the many years, and through all the many moves (Dad was military so we moved A LOT, and after he retired, I just kept moving) God has placed many wondrful people in my path with whom I really could CONNECT. Unfortunately though, my admiration towards those few was often mistaken for feelings of a romantic nature. Which would upset their honey, or confuse them, or in some cases, send me running. Even back in the days of my friends dragging me out to the bars, I'd often catch myself stepping outside to regain my sense of self in the midst of all their meaningless conversations.

But that's why I'm glad to have found this forum.... I mean, yes I'm still isolated here in my reality, but at least now I can see through the window that there are other out there who feel the same, and understand.

I want so much to connect, but everyone around me seems so shallow in their little worlds of, "do my shoes match my blouse?" or, "Did you catch the dialog in that xbox game?", or "Can you believe she said that on national television?" or "What is she doing, dating him?" or "OMG such and such celebrity is now with so and so."

And those who have somthing more substantial to discuss, often are in it for selfish reasons. Their own personal glory or pride.

Everyone is so fake... yet I want so much to connect. But I don't want to lose myself in the process.

So yes, there is a very strong feeling of isolation, even amongst groups of people. In fact, I feel more isolated in crowds of people, then I do sitting here, alone in front of my PC, yearning for interaction.

Now that I think about it.... I know how I used to find those I was able to connect with.

It wasn't by staying couped up at home. It wasn't by following crowds of people, bars, clubs, concerts...

It was by simply hanging out at th diners, cup of coffee in one hand, and a pen in the other.

Those who are into the superficial wont bother to show interest for the one who is sitting there all by herself. But those with a deeper view on the world, once they get familiar with seeing you sitting there by yourself, writing on a regular basis, will take a moment to stop by and ask, "Hey, watcha writing there?" When I was younger, this is how I made all of my connections. The real connections. the ones that seemed to matter, and make me feel whole.

Problem is that when I moved down south, folks didn't seem to hang out over coffee, like that as much (just the area I was in, I'm sure).

And since moving from the south... Hanging out out at the diner doesn't make sense until I recover from the suffering of the economy.

Guess I'm destined to remain in solitude. At least for now.

I hope you find some sense of comfort in the responses from everyone here. I am so very thankful for having recently learned of this forum. But ya know, I've only been aware of my personality type for about a week now. I suppose that was the first step needed to not feel so out of place. I always just thought something was wrong with me... but now I see that we're the ones who have it right. It's the rest of the world thast's messed up.

Thank you to all you INFJ'ers. You make me feel whole again. Just by being a member of this forum.

 

[Gaze]

Yeah, I too can relate. Like at work in the break room, I'll be surrounded by people, and they're all like one big family, and I want to connect, but I don't really know how. And it's not that I necessarily want to connect with THEM... but I want to feel the connection that they have with each other. Even if I join in the conversation, it feels superficial and forced. I do far better with one on one interactions... but to find one with whom I can have this interaction naturally without it feeling faux is difficult.

Can so relate to this. I often watch people and envy the comradery they have with each, and wander why i can't have that with someone. And like you said, it's not that you want to have that connection with them, but to have a connection with someone with that level of comfort, closeness, and authenticity they seem to have. When I do try to join those conversations myself, it feels almost unnatural. It doesn't flow, and feel as if i'm imposing on them in some way.

Even back in the days of my friends dragging me out to the bars, I'd often catch myself stepping outside to regain my sense of self in the midst of all their meaningless conversations.

I do this too. Sometimes, if i'm out with a few friends, at some point, i'll become a little quiet to regain a sense of calm in the midst of all the talk and activity. It becomes a bit of a drain when you have to be entertaining in order to be interesting. So, sometimes, you really need a time or break to regain a sense of self.

So yes, there is a very strong feeling of isolation, even amongst groups of people. In fact, I feel more isolated in crowds of people, then I do sitting here, alone in front of my PC, yearning for interaction.

It's always funny how you can be around a group of people and still feel lonely. I've learned that it's rare for me to feel comfortable within groups. Always prefer one on one, but almost always there's a sense that even with one on one, you may still not really connect with the people you're interacting with. It's still forced.

Now that I think about it.... I know how I used to find those I was able to connect with.

It was by simply hanging out at th diners, cup of coffee in one hand, and a pen in the other.

The real connections. the ones that seemed to matter, and make me feel whole.

Your last line hit the nail on the head. It's so rare to have this with people, but it's a real gift when we do experience it.