Assertiveness

[Julia]

How does one become more assertive? What is it that makes one not assertive?


I'm always kowtowing to people just to keep the peace and then feeling like a self-betraying dumb-ass. I see his happening at my job and with certain family members and friends..

I guess it's cuz I'm so conflict-averse, but there's got to be a way to have my needs met and my rights respected without being afraid of a brawl.
Anyone else here do the same thing?
Anyone here have advice?

I relate to this greatly. Part of the reason my first reaction is submissive is to buy time. It takes me a while to think about what just happened and figure out the best response. This is especially true if the person shocks me. You have to be quick on your feet to be assertive. I've used online forums to practice assertiveness training. It can be a good plan because 1. It's free, 2. people tend to be more rude on the internet, 3. I can take the time I need to respond.

I always feel like I lose a little of myself when I'm passive to someone. This is especially true if it feels like the person actually likes me for being submissive to them. That is the absolute worst. I tend to get nauseated and then avoid them. My physical presence and demeanor is gentle, passive, and approachable. Because of this people almost constantly try to cross boundaries with me. I am a strong boundary person and so find some way to put the boundary in place, but it's a big part of why I can't be around people often. To create boundaries I always first try the most concrete, simplistic approach by rearranging the external physical parameters. I had a rebellious class and got permission to teach them individually rather than a group. I currently have a student in individual lesson who is working to cross personal boundaries so I now teach him with the door open in a room next to the secretary and may transfer him. Sometimes I avoid the person altogether.

At my best I work out something to say ahead of time and then look for the opportunity to say it. It is too much to ask that I have the right assertive thing to say on the spot. It's like asking me to be five inches taller. It's not going to happen regardless of how much I would like it to. My brain doesn't process information in that way.

 

[Silently Honest]

However, the fact remains that you still have to have a spine to be assertive, perhaps even more so than aggressive.

Never said it wasn't. What you described in this post was aggression, just correcting you.

Just be a jerk and don't care. It helps if you are in the right.

 

[WickedPod]

I definitely agree there is a line between aggressiveness and assertiveness, but it's a very fine line. Honestly, the line is so fine, not because of the intentions of the one being assertive/aggressive, but the what the onlooker perceives it to be. My assertiveness can change to aggression when I'm treated like I don't matter or I'm being too sensitive and am brushed off.

Assertiveness is about taking a stand. Aggression is about intimidation and anger.

 

[Puck]

I really dislike ass-ertiveness. Sure it's not as horrible as aggressiveness, but to my mind, it's just an excuse for the people who already get everything they want by force of personality to be even more bloody cheeky, and for those of us who sit on the sidelines to feel even more ripped off. Damned management training techniques. LOL!!

That said, I think there are ways for us lovely INFs to shine that these used car salespeople just can't imitate. We're real, after all, and that is a magnet to good and meaningful things. So forget assertiveness. If something's important to you, you will stand up for it - you'll just light up inside and the power will come to you. I'm sure you've experienced this already. It's just that a lot of the humdrum of ratrace existence doesn't mean much to idealists and mystics, so we can't (and don't want to in any case) waste our energy on it.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Just say it, regardless of whatever.

 

[acd]

Or I was thinking like, settling things over arm wrestling matches.