Assessing Attachment In Toddlers: Three Years and Up

[CindyLou]

Can it be done or have I missed the window to assess it? Surely there is someone here that knows about this stuff because obviously I don't. If I could test my daughter somehow I'd like to be able to do it now and hopefully I can fix any damage I've done.

My parenting style: I rarely left her the first year of her life (I worked from home the first two years and had almost no social life) so I can't remember any...attachment issues the first year of life...HOWEVER, my parenting style for the first two years was authoritarian even though I was there for her physically. I sleep trained, CIO and schedule fed her for the first year. I basically put my needs before hers in some areas (I didn't realize that was what I was doing, or I would not have done it).

I am worried I damaged her by being inconsistent in my consistency. I'd like to not continue to do things like that if I can help it.

When I drop her off at preschool for the first year (starting at age two) she would cry when I would leave, and then not want to leave with me when I picked her up. I remember her hitting me once. So, that's a sign of an insecure attachment, right? She does the same stuff with her father today, at three years of age. She cries when he leaves and either angry or disinterested when she sees him again.

[video=youtube;DH1m_ZMO7GU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DH1m_ZMO7GU[/video]

 

[Sriracha]

I can't begin to tell you how different boys are from girls. I know that for the majority of my friends, their toddler girls are just as much of drama queens now as they probably will be in their teens. They are fiercely defiant, love to scream, etc. All of these girls come from parents who are still married.

Your marital status is not the issue. As long as your caregiving can be predicted by your daughter, she will be fine. When I say this, it means that she KNOWS you will feed her, love her, put her to bed, discipline her, not neglect her needs. Part of this attachment style has to do with the child's personality, whether they are competing against siblings for attention, etc.

With toddlers it is too early to tell. Just know that kids are resilient and if you see her behavior not improve as she gets older, to look at what you can do to help. We enrolled my boys in preschool at age 3, 2 days per week. OMG it was heartbreaking for the firstborn. He was always used to mom and dad attention. It took him about 3 months before he stopped crying when we dropped him off. Then another 3 months to acclimate to classroom routine. Our second child took a lot less time b/c he's the social butterfly.

This is all normal behavior.

 

[this is only temporary]

Hi Cindy! I would also like to know how to assess attachment in older children, I have never seen this done and am not sure how or if it is possible.

I have read a good deal of Dr. Sears (one of the attachment theory -- erm-- pioneers, I guess?) and know where your anxiety is coming from. I did the "baby Bs" and tried to do full-on attachment parenting to the best of my abilities. I don't think I put either of my babies down, like ever, or was out of physical contact with them much at all for for at least a year, and was probably overly protective. (Okay, I was overprotective, but that's another post.) Regarding the CIO, I'm not a fan, but on the other hand, there are literally phases of my life which I do not remember due to being so sleep deprived, and I had a few other health problems as well. That sort of thing is not conducive to good parenting at all, and I've come to wonder if putting your needs first sometimes is necessarily a bad thing.

I do think attachment is important, but a child's personality may influence attachment, and you do have to stay sane and healthy and that means attending to your own needs as well.

Also, for what it is worth, 3 years olds, imo, are hands-down the most difficult age so far, and when both my boys were three, they both hit me on occasion. Twos always get the bad rap, but I've never had any problems getting along with two-year-olds, they're sweet as can be, but threes are extremely difficult sometimes. Maybe your daughter is just being 3? (LOL, my condolences!) There are so many different styles of parenting -- I am sure if you are there for your daughter, listen to her, play with her, talk to her and love her she will be just fine. (((hugs)))

But if you do find more info about attachment in older children, let me know.

 

[Sriracha]

Hi Cindy! I would also like to know how to assess attachment in older children, I have never seen this done and am not sure how or if it is possible.

I have read a good deal of Dr. Sears (one of the attachment theory -- erm-- pioneers, I guess?) and know where your anxiety is coming from. I did the "baby Bs" and tried to do full-on attachment parenting to the best of my abilities. I don't think I put either of my babies down, like ever, or was out of physical contact with them much at all for for at least a year, and was probably overly protective. (Okay, I was overprotective, but that's another post.) Regarding the CIO, I'm not a fan, but on the other hand, there are literally phases of my life which I do not remember due to being so sleep deprived, and I had a few other health problems as well. That sort of thing is not conducive to good parenting at all, and I've come to wonder if putting your needs first sometimes is necessarily a bad thing.

I do think attachment is important, but a child's personality may influence attachment, and you do have to stay sane and healthy and that means attending to your own needs as well.

Also, for what it is worth, 3 years olds, imo, are hands-down the most difficult age so far, and when both my boys were three, they both hit me on occasion. Twos always get the bad rap, but I've never had any problems getting along with two-year-olds, they're sweet as can be, but threes are extremely difficult sometimes. Maybe your daughter is just being 3? (LOL, my condolences!) There are so many different styles of parenting -- I am sure if you are there for your daughter, listen to her, play with her, talk to her and love her she will be just fine. (((hugs)))

But if you do find more info about attachment in older children, let me know.

LOL, I always said who ever labelled the twos as "terrible" never had a three year old. Definitely not my favorite age either.

 

[CindyLou]

Hi Cindy! I would also like to know how to assess attachment in older children, I have never seen this done and am not sure how or if it is possible.

I have read a good deal of Dr. Sears (one of the attachment theory -- erm-- pioneers, I guess?) and know where your anxiety is coming from. I did the "baby Bs" and tried to do full-on attachment parenting to the best of my abilities. I don't think I put either of my babies down, like ever, or was out of physical contact with them much at all for for at least a year, and was probably overly protective. (Okay, I was overprotective, but that's another post.) Regarding the CIO, I'm not a fan, but on the other hand, there are literally phases of my life which I do not remember due to being so sleep deprived, and I had a few other health problems as well. That sort of thing is not conducive to good parenting at all, and I've come to wonder if putting your needs first sometimes is necessarily a bad thing.

I do think attachment is important, but a child's personality may influence attachment, and you do have to stay sane and healthy and that means attending to your own needs as well.

Also, for what it is worth, 3 years olds, imo, are hands-down the most difficult age so far, and when both my boys were three, they both hit me on occasion. Twos always get the bad rap, but I've never had any problems getting along with two-year-olds, they're sweet as can be, but threes are extremely difficult sometimes. Maybe your daughter is just being 3? (LOL, my condolences!) There are so many different styles of parenting -- I am sure if you are there for your daughter, listen to her, play with her, talk to her and love her she will be just fine. (((hugs)))

But if you do find more info about attachment in older children, let me know.

That's the thing, I read Dr. Sears too but still decided to go full on authoritarian. She slept through the night at 5 weeks and I was so damn proud of myself having never rocked her to sleep. I never once rocked her to sleep. I totally forced her to sooth herself to sleep on her own. I don't know. It all seems so harsh now. I really didn't know any better.

Yes, three has been very difficult for sure! It's not really so much that she is being difficult. I just don't want to pass dysfunction down to her. Someone's gotta stop the cycle. I've been feeling pretty guilty about all of this.

Thanks for the posts ladies.

 

[CindyLou]

LOL, I always said who ever labelled the twos as "terrible" never had a three year old. Definitely not my favorite age either.

I took her to the pharmacy and she was running down the isles and sliding halfway down them on her knees. Then when I was second in line Abby decided it was HER TURN to pay. LOL OMG then she called every man in the store Daddy. The poor guy checking me out was like...."I hope not" loololol

 

[this is only temporary]

That's the thing, I read Dr. Sears too but still decided to go full on authoritarian. She slept through the night at 5 weeks and I was so damn proud of myself having never rocked her to sleep. I never once rocked her to sleep. I totally forced her to sooth herself to sleep on her own. I don't know. It all seems so harsh now. I really didn't know any better.

Yes, three has been very difficult for sure! It's not really so much that she is being difficult. I just don't want to pass dysfunction down to her. Someone's gotta stop the cycle. I've been feeling pretty guilty about all of this.

Thanks for the posts ladies.

People are going to try to make you feel guilty no matter what you do, you just do the best you can with the tools, understanding, and abilities you have. I have seen people err on the side of what I may consider "too much" attachment and I am not at all convinced that is in the childs' best interest. (I'm talking breast feeding til they're 18 and never saying no, ever...)


Don't beat yourself up, okay? There's always someone else willing to do that for you so don't you help them out. Besides, you're the mom, you know your child and your situation better than anyone else and if you just spend lots of time with her and love her and try to be both gentle and firm, I'm convinced you cannot possibly go too wrong.

I hate it when they call random strange men Daddy, been there, done that. Mine see their actual dad every single day and still have done this once or twice. Although I think it embarrasses the guys even more, the looks on their faces... omg hilarious.

 

[CindyLou]

Temper tantrums at three are not a sign of a problem, or being spoiled right?

She has quite a bit of temper tantrums and I'm not sure if I'm responding the way I should. Right now I just laugh and ignore them but they're getting pretty bad and I don't know why I never see other kids through fits like mine does. My parents would have punished me and they disapprove of how I dealing with her. So I'm second guessing myself right now.

 

[this is only temporary]

Oh, I don't know... I think the textbook answer is that "Temper tantrums should be under control by the age of 4 or 5", and I think it is generally true. My 5-year old is pretty much over temper tantrums, but both boys will still have them occassionally, and I'm not completely immune myself. 3 was like peak tantrum time for us.

As a very new parent, I'd panic and get horribly upset when they'd have temper tantrums, which was a mistake.

As we gained experience, we tended to give hugs and back pats at first, and explain the situation, and then as the tantrum continued (which it inevitably would...) we'd tell them something along the lines of "I'm sorry you can't have/do/get (whatever it is that triggered the tantrum), but at this point, if you need to scream, yell, and cry about it, you must do it in your room."

And then put them in their room or a safe place and walk away until they are done pitching their fit.

When they are done, just let it go emotionally, (this is the hard part, since you're probably stressed beyond belief) hug them, and for heaven's sake, do NOT get them whatever toy or candy or thing it was they threw a fit about in the first place, if you know what is good for you and them! The hardest part is staying calm yourself! At least it always has been for me, even though I know perfectly well going apeshit helps no one.

It can be insanely stressful, and really, it comes with the territory of having a 3-year-old. You probably need a break once in a while, and disapproval isn't helping, so sorry to hear that.

 

[CindyLou]

Thank you. <3 Sometimes it feels like an abusive relationship. Lol.

I've taken her to two Halloween parties already, and both times she threw massive fits during the car ride home. It just wears on me. The second one she was screaming and started kicking the back of the front seat and I had to pull over and stop driving. That type of behavior was just never something I could get away with, I know I never acted like that. I understand why she is upset and doesn't want to leave fun things, but I don't understand why she has to get ANGRY. I've decided that until she can understand that it's okay to be disappointed when it's time to leave, it's not okay to throw things, kick the seat and scream and I just won't take her to do things until she can understand? I don't know what else to do. I probably won't take her trick or treating tonight. I took her to the park yesterday and had to carry her kicking and screaming to the car when it was time to leave...so I'm conflicted because I want to take her to the park and do fun things but part of me wants to skip it because I know what's going to happen when we leave.

I know this is probably normal stuff and I'll look back on it and laugh but fug me. I mean, I'm laughing when I'm carrying the kicking, screaming kiddo back to the car but once I get in the car and am driving home I can't help but wonder if I'm doing something wrong and that's when I start to break down a bit.

 

[tfg345i4u5lw]

That's the thing, I read Dr. Sears too but still decided to go full on authoritarian. She slept through the night at 5 weeks and I was so damn proud of myself having never rocked her to sleep. I never once rocked her to sleep. I totally forced her to sooth herself to sleep on her own. I don't know. It all seems so harsh now. I really didn't know any better.

I have a cousin who I respect as a really intelligent person. She did this for her kids when they were really young. I remember being at her house and the baby would be yelling so loud. And she would be like "just let him, he needs to learn to calm himself" or something along those lines. She also read a bunch of child psychology books when she was pregnant.

 

[tfg345i4u5lw]

Temper tantrums at three are not a sign of a problem, or being spoiled right?

She has quite a bit of temper tantrums and I'm not sure if I'm responding the way I should. Right now I just laugh and ignore them but they're getting pretty bad and I don't know why I never see other kids through fits like mine does. My parents would have punished me and they disapprove of how I dealing with her. So I'm second guessing myself right now.

What my cousin does (the smart one). Is only gives them what they want if they ask in a non-whiny way. She tries to make it clear that uncontrolled anger and frustration won't be rewarded in this world. They need to make it clear what they want and state their needs in a way that is mature. When they control themselves and act in this way they are usually rewarded.

It seems to be working with my nephew. He has amazing communication skills for a 3 year old. He looks you right in the eye and speaks directly to you like a little adult. It's amazing.

 

[this is only temporary]

Thank you. <3 Sometimes it feels like an abusive relationship. Lol.

LOL, Yes, it does sometimes. Little kids just... well, they're just naturally self-centered. Not the thing you want to hear as an idealist

I've taken her to two Halloween parties already, and both times she threw massive fits during the car ride home. It just wears on me. The second one she was screaming and started kicking the back of the front seat and I had to pull over and stop driving.

OMGwe have had HORRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIBBBBBLLLLLEE car problems. Horrible. That just sucks beyond belief, been there, done that, have not taken a vacation in years due to the car trauma I've endured.

Two words: DVD Player.<-------------- get one. No, seriously, do you have one?

Despite my general anti-TV stance, the DVD player in the car is a friggin GODsend for our family (all atheists can be quiet now, thank you)

Not to mention the fact that misbehavior in a car is a driving hazard! Recently, my boys were fighting in the backseat in a car without the DVD player, and I became distracted, and ran a stop sign literally right in front of a police officer. He let me off thank goodness, and gave them a lecture, but stilll... if I had hurt someone because of that, I would have felt terrible. So it's actually pretty important to get them to behave relatively decently in the car. But it is not easy!

That type of behavior was just never something I could get away with, I know I never acted like that. I understand why she is upset and doesn't want to leave fun things, but I don't understand why she has to get ANGRY. I've decided that until she can understand that it's okay to be disappointed when it's time to leave, it's not okay to throw things, kick the seat and scream and I just won't take her to do things until she can understand? I don't know what else to do. I probably won't take her trick or treating tonight. I took her to the park yesterday and had to carry her kicking and screaming to the car when it was time to leave...so I'm conflicted because I want to take her to the park and do fun things but part of me wants to skip it because I know what's going to happen when we leave.

Well, I've carried kicking, screaming children out of playgrounds plenty of times before. You either have to not take them anywhere at all, or you've got to somehow get over and accept the stress/embarassment/painful feelings of the inevitable tantrums, which will happen.

You know, people who have children aren't judging you, we've all been there.

I know this is probably normal stuff and I'll look back on it and laugh but fug me. I mean, I'm laughing when I'm carrying the kicking, screaming kiddo back to the car but once I get in the car and am driving home I can't help but wonder if I'm doing something wrong and that's when I start to break down a bit.

I think you are doing the very best you possibly can. You probably could use some help in the form of someone else actually carrying the screaming child out of the party once in a while, because it really is incredibly stressful, and yes it does wear on you. But no, having a 3-year-old throwing temper tantrums is no reflection on your parenting, it really is perfectly normal.

 

[this is only temporary]

What my cousin does (the smart one). Is only gives them what they want if they ask in a non-whiny way. She tries to make it clear that uncontrolled anger and frustration won't be rewarded in this world. They need to make it clear what they want and state their needs in a way that is mature. When they control themselves and act in this way they are usually rewarded.

This, by the way, is very true and good advice.

 

[Paladin-X]

I concur as well with the above advice.

This does not directly relate to your problems, but instead goes to your worries of messing up your kid somehow:

[video=youtube;XDlSWcx--Pk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDlSWcx--Pk[/video]

 

[CindyLou]

I concur as well with the above advice.

This does not directly relate to your problems, but instead goes to your worries of messing up your kid somehow:

[video=youtube;XDlSWcx--Pk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDlSWcx--Pk[/video]

Thanks for the vid and good to see you! I'm glad you're back. The last ten seconds of that video made me feel so much better about everything.

I've read those books. I don't remember that last part being mentioned so thank you so much for posting that in here for me.

 

[Paladin-X]

Thanks!

Good! The last ten seconds is what I was going for!


Now about the tantrum problem itself, I have an alternative theory to offer...



WARNING: Without having met your child or witnessed the circumstances surrounding the tantrums firsthand, I am basing the following comments on your statements alone; specifically the assumption that these tantrums are excessive and/or abnormal behaviour. Any information given is the product of mine own contemplation and not derived from any authoritative source or experience with children in general. Reader discretion is advised.

---------------------------------

An alternative explanation is that the tantrums are not caused by actual attachment issues, but by the lack of understanding about the concept of change, especially when not caused by her. The tantrums are the only way that she knows to deal with change. This might sound wrong to some people, but it is not so much that mommy or daddy are leaving me, but that something that is normally consistently there, is now not there and I didn't do it. Where the f**k did it go?! Put it back!

The world as we know it is a construct of what we know about it. We have expectations about what will be there, even if we seem oblivious to it. Like walking down the street everyday and you may not notice every single building along your way. Then one day, one of those buildings has been torn down. You never really noticed it before, but now you certainly notice that it's gone and you have to stop and stare for a few seconds/minutes, seemingly dumbfounded. It's like that expression 'you won't miss it until it's gone' but in a literal/concrete way (not in a feelings/attachment/abstract way).

To put it metaphorically, the known world is a tower that you've built with your own hands. Everything you know about the world, is a beam, wall, room, etc in your tower. There are certain things of lesser importance that can be removed, like certain studs in the wall, and the tower remains unaffected. However, if you try to remove a wall or supporting beam, the tower is now under strain and at risk of collapsing. However, you are a structural engineer and you've built this tower with your own hands and you know it will hold (or you know how to make the appropriate adjustments to make it hold). But if someone or something else causes a structural change without notice, that certainty in the structure's stability is gone. A tantrum is freaking out about the known world collapsing because of an unexpected structural change and being unsure if it will hold.

So relating back to the reactions of her father coming and going... When he is there, she makes structural changes to compensate. He become a 4 walls and a room. When he leaves, the tower strains to stay up. After she is done panicking that the tower will fall, she opens up the space to a loft and add some mental support beams to reestablish building integrity. When he returns, she is annoyed about having to make changes again and recreate his room from the loft. Does that make sense?

 

[Sriracha]

Well, I've carried kicking, screaming children out of playgrounds plenty of times before. You either have to not take them anywhere at all, or you've got to somehow get over and accept the stress/embarassment/painful feelings of the inevitable tantrums, which will happen.

You know, people who have children aren't judging you, we've all been there.

I think you are doing the very best you possibly can. You probably could use some help in the form of someone else actually carrying the screaming child out of the party once in a while, because it really is incredibly stressful, and yes it does wear on you. But no, having a 3-year-old throwing temper tantrums is no reflection on your parenting, it really is perfectly normal.

LOL, yes we have all been there! I carry them away with pride too. The people around you are actually (in fact) applauding that you are addressing bad behavior. It's something the public doesn't see that often (people are usually very passive with their children in public and try to redirect instead of discipline.) When I carried them away, they looked no different than a roll of carpet held firmly against my side with one arm. The kids KNEW they were in trouble for bad behavior when they were held in such a manner ... then they were put in time-out. When they were finished with time-out, I would explain why they received time-out for their behavior ... give them a hug and tell them I love them. It was pretty much over and we would go back to normal. Rarely would they repeat the same mistake right away. (You have to consider I live in the south, where people tend to be direct with child discipline ... spanking, fetching a "switch", etc.)

I was always very firm about bad behavior. You fear you look like a "stick in the mud" b/c you are actually following through on discipline. The biggest thing that your child will take away from your method is how to predict. She'll begin to think "will I get in trouble if I do XYZ?" This is basically the foundation of children learning "self control." When adolescents have not learned proper self control, they are more prone to getting into trouble or doing drugs ... they will be hell to deal with, rule the roost and you will be nothing but a doormat.

My (oldest) ISTJ son at a young age ALWAYS got into trouble. He was very high strung and difficult. He was about as dramatic as a girl and insisted he get his way. Now at age 10 he is very rule abiding, but he likes to negotiate. Pretty much the only discipline he ever receives is if he is fighting with his brother (hitting or kicking) or if he continues to ask for something repeatedly after he's been told NO. I don't tolerate violence in any way, I never have. He is such a good kid, and I trust him. He has incredible self-control and patience with others. My (youngest) ENFP son was a perfect baby and easy toddler. He was a "go-with-the-flow" child and never dramatic. His discipline is nearly the same as the oldest ... the difference is that I have to tell him that I am very "hurt, sad or disappointed" with his actions. His empathy understands the severity of his actions ... his mind doesn't. He has more difficulty with self control ... he does something without thinking of the affect (like running out in the street without looking for cars ... I STILL have to get on him about that.) He's already cracked both elbows by doing something stupid. The funny thing (and I've heard it more than once) is that toddlers who were difficult end up being easy (perhaps b/c they require more energy/work) and toddlers that were easy end up being difficult. This tends to be true in my case. I'm quite proud of both my kids.

That's just how they are different. I hope that my experience helps you to feel better. You need to be loving, but you also need to be firm. Structure equals predictability and that is what you are striving for. When she gets to be a little older and you understand her personality better, tweak your discipline to cater to what gets through to her. For now it's the basics.

 

[WellNoWonder]

I know this is probably normal stuff and I'll look back on it and laugh but fug me. I mean, I'm laughing when I'm carrying the kicking, screaming kiddo back to the car but once I get in the car and am driving home I can't help but wonder if I'm doing something wrong and that's when I start to break down a bit.

I can certainly empathize with the bolded. Mine are 5 and every once in a while I still have to haul them out of the park, market, etc. kicking and screaming. I need a nap after episodes like this and we usually end up taking one together lol. I think the tantrums are normal even though it can be embarrassing and taxing for you. What type of discussions do you have with her on the way back from the Meltdown? Or is she still screaming and stuff in the car?

It seems parenting is a constant troubleshooting process. You get one thing down pat, here comes the next thing. Wondering about the legitimacy of your actions is part of good parenting IMHO. Please be gentle with yourself and go with your instincts. Your daughter knows you love her. Trust.

 

[Billy]

Temper tantrums at three are not a sign of a problem, or being spoiled right?

She has quite a bit of temper tantrums and I'm not sure if I'm responding the way I should. Right now I just laugh and ignore them but they're getting pretty bad and I don't know why I never see other kids through fits like mine does. My parents would have punished me and they disapprove of how I dealing with her. So I'm second guessing myself right now.

my nieces throw tantrums, I find it best not to play their game. I will just scoop the tantruming one up, run her ass upstairs, toss her in her bed and let her cry it out alone. If she tantrums because I make her share the Ipad, she loses Ipad rights for the day and has to watch her sister get exclusive usage to it. i know people think it sounds offensive, but training kids is a lot like training dogs, just reward the good behaviors you want to instill, ignore the annoying ones, and punish the bad ones.