I’m going to play devil’s advocate here. Forgiveness might me required later. Two cents.
I have spent a LONG time trying to find someone who “gets me” completely. Or at least a good understanding. Thing is though, when I find someone who seems to, it ends badly. Too intense, too much weight. It’s like black holes colliding. It ALWAYS goes poorly.
Recently, I got a taste of this again and remembered something important in it. I am happier and more settled when someone is very different from me. It is true that it doesn’t feel as heady or intense, but it’s lighter, more fun, and doesn’t send me into some Fe death spiral. It frankly remains healthier in the long run.
I kinda think I understand the kinda guy you are talking about. I have one in my life. I never take him seriously because I figured out he was a player type early on (ESTP) But oh my god, the chemistry between us burns like the sun, and he’s just FUN to be around....and so smolderingly hot it is hard to look at him. I always just accepted he was who he was so there was nothing but acceptance between us in who and what we were.
I recently had a run in with a different guy (INFJ) for awhile where I thought I was falling really hard, felt understood, felt safe, felt like it was going to be that elusive unicorn relationship we all day dream about.... And that guy turned out to be the player leading me on.
A week ago ESTP called after not really talking for awhile and asked me if I could see him. I said it wasn’t a good idea because I was caught up in something else and was looking for something real. (Of course that fell apart the next day- haha....).
When I talked to ESTP, when I *thought* there was this other thing-he asked me a kinda vulnerable question. He said “ I’m happy for you, really- you really do deserve to feel that way, but can I ask you why you never believed you could have something real with me?” It really surprised me. I was honest and told him it was because I never considered he could feel that way about me. I assumed..... He told me I was wrong. He said “I don’t understand half of what you are saying most of the time, but I like hearing you just working things out, it’s interesting. But all I know is that I love being around you, so keep me posted because I don’t know if you’re right about this “real-ness” and I want to see you again and stay in your life.”
So, I have a birthday coming up, and I texted and said- “you were right, I kinda got stomped on and my feelings are hurt and ego bruised. I know it’s pretty tacky to run back to you a week later and ask for attention to feel better. But would you consider spending birthday with me? I don’t want to jump to any more conclusions or make you feel used..”..I kept talking- explaining self...he just laughed (he is VERY self confident) And all he said to all of my ramblings was, “I’d love to make you feel special on your birthday and spend time with you. I don’t need you to explain yourself.”
One man swam carelessly around in my heart and messed me up. The other, who I discounted, has actually been the one who has showed me care and respect. Unfailingly.
I’m not sure what my point is exactly, except this experience gives me pause to think about the folly of hanging all of my hopes on some idealized situation that always ends up hurting me. All I know for sure is that I have hot and fun date for my birthday instead of feeling lonely and miserable.
Just another perspective to consider.
