Belittling Someone's Pain

[Littlelissa]

Narcissism is much quoted, but it is not the same thing as selfishness or lack of regard for others. Narcissism occurs along a spectrum e.g. people can have some of the trait's and not be classified as having the personality disorder. Whereas to have the personality disorder you have to meet a number of the classified traits. It is estimated that about 1 in every 100 people have the disorder.

I think people are selfish or not based on their own personal history (and sometimes temperament). I think people are unloving basically through their own person lack of personal experience (and imagination). This is a generalisation but often people who have had difficult lives, who have experienced things and maybe seen a bit more of the world,- tend to have understanding, and therefore tolerance and therefore,- empathy for others. They are humble themselves because they know through experience what it feels like to be in various situations or to feel various things.

People tend to be less tolerant or sympathetic of others who they cannot directly relate to. Mind you there are no hard and fast rules. Some people have sheltered and comfortable lives and it doesn't stop them being decent and kind, and having the ability to empathise. Those we empathise with least we are less likely to try and understand or think their experience is important. I think that's where selfish attitudes come in.

The more people know about others personal history directly,- the more likely they will empathise. For example in instances where there has been work done to help community members interact with people they would not normally ever meet or talk to, and might have bigoted views towards,- primarily because these people are different from them and maybe marginalised.

Basically I think the less attached to our own particular outlook and perspective we are, the more we can adapt and don't get fixed in our outlooks. Extreme rigidity is at the opposite end of this.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

@Zen : Yeah, I can very much understand running away from them, but at the same time I'm still--

-- why? What drove these people to do...this?

@Flavus Aquila : Perhaps you can say that-- "Well MY way of processing my feelings does not cause destruction or inconvenience for other people!" -- which is easier to measure, I agree; but why does criticizing their actions involves telling them that erh-- their emotions are exaggerated; their feelings are overblown? -Who- deemed a particular expression as exaggerated ?

@Zen : Yeah, I can very much understand running away from them, but at the same time I'm still--

-- why? What drove these people to do...this?

@Flavus Aquila : Perhaps you can say that-- "Well MY way of processing my feelings does not cause destruction or inconvenience for other people!" -- which is easier to measure, I agree; but why does criticizing their actions involves telling them that erh-- their emotions are exaggerated; their feelings are overblown? -Who- deemed a particular expression as exaggerated ?

When people are emotional, their thought processes can easily be skewed. It used to be part of polite practice to become a little more circumspect, or passive while affected by strong emotions. At its extreme, some cultures shied away from most displays of emotion.

While suppressing emotions isn't healthy, neither is dousing everyone with them either... and expecting emotionally affected decisions/actions to be regarded as balanced is not constructive for anyone.

I think that people need to reclaim the responsibility for their behavior when emotional, and not perceive emotions as an excusing factor.

That's why I can respect a person who is obviously emotional, but in considerate self control of his/her words/actions. However, if their emotions become part of an inhibition lowering exercise, I regard it no better than someone who decides to get behind the wheel when drunk.

So, tears elicit compassion, but emotionally compromised decisions/words elicit contempt imo.

An old Jesuit maxim, attributed to St Ignatius of Loyola seems applicable to the topic (I can't remember the actual maxim, but its sense is this):
Make important personal decisions neither in the state of great consolation, nor in the state of great desolation. The right time for important decisions is when there is serenity and ambivalence of mind.

 

[Sandie33]

"Children learn what they live"
A very good poem in it's day, and hung in many houses as a gentle reminder to parent and child alike.

Unfortunately, there are a myriad of reasons why someone dismisses anothers pain--genuine or merely percieved--what is a 'meh' moment to one may be a terrifying moment to another and a vast scale in within the two extremes.

IMHO...folks often don't learn sound, secure ways to identify, cope/manage emotions and emotional pain. As children there may be no choice but to "adopt" the emotional IQ's of those around us. As adults we need to take responsibility for our emotional regulation...including seeking the assistance of others (family, friends, counselors) when needed.

 

[Trifoilum]

@Jet : I agree that sometimes we need perspective-- we need to break away from running in circles, from descending further and further into misery and depression. God knows I've been saved numerous times from some rather petty destructive actions by these kind of intervention. Also totally agree that it is self-centered to dump your emotions without caring for the listener.

Just...I don't think belittling their pain will be beneficial for these. My personal experience at least tells me otherwise-- at least I myself have to recognize the scope of my problem --Humans of New York is very effective for this--

 

[Jet]

@Jet : I agree that sometimes we need perspective-- we need to break away from running in circles, from descending further and further into misery and depression. God knows I've been saved numerous times from some rather petty destructive actions by these kind of intervention. Also totally agree that it is self-centered to dump your emotions without caring for the listener.

Just...I don't think belittling their pain will be beneficial for these. My personal experience at least tells me otherwise-- at least I myself have to recognize the scope of my problem --Humans of New York is very effective for this--

Ultimately I agree, but as said I wanted to give another view.

Belittling is too harsh in all cases, I agree. But sometimes a hard dose of reality is the best thing for people. Which od course requires you to actually know the person and know how to deliver said reality in such a way that the recipient will actually listen and not just go on the defensive. It can be a fine line to walk. All pain is subjective and no one should be literally belittled. But perspective is a very useful tool.