Exodus
Regular Poster
- MBTI
- INTJ =(
This recent breakup is actually what made me realize i'm a INFJ and not a INTJ. However, I cannot make any sense of this situation. Would you be so kind as to tell me what you think?
I'll try to keep this abridged.
Met her online, we talked everynight for 4 nights straight, 2-3 hour conversations. We had so much in common regarding what we wanted in life, we both had INFJ/INTJ traits. (The irony is I thought I was a INTJ and her a INFJ, it was the other way around.)
She has a son who is 2 1/2, normally I would not date someone with a kid, but I was willing to make the effort because she seemed like someone who I would really click with.
First couple dates are amazing, she ends up asking me to stay the night after the 4th date (Not necessarily sexual). This is where the first red flag came up, she wanted me to stay every night, and to see her every day after work. At first it was nice to have someone to come home to, right when I got to the point of telling her I wanted to stay at my place some nights, she told me about problem set #1.
Her ex husband cheated on her right after they had their son. Every man she had ever known had abandoned her and hurt her. So I felt like I needed to show her I was not going to just run off. So I stayed every night, but still brought up the fact we would need some space.
Issue #2, my ex wife and I are good friends, no romantic attraction at all. She found this to be extremely threatening and often tried to manipulate me into thinking my ex wanted me back, which did not work. She also was very threatened by ex girlfriends in general, girls on facebook I dated like 6 years ago! So I tried to tell myself, she was this way because the ex cheated, so I would just let it go and hope she eventually dropped it.
I spent a lot of time with her and her son, we grew very close. We would do things like go to the zoo, take her son to the park ect. Every night we would read him stories and put him to bed together. The whole thing was really growing on me (after the initial awkwardness, I have no children.)
She said she has never seen anyone care so much for her son (besides her), and seemed to like it.
I noticed from time to time she would retreat inward and block me out for a couple days at a time. She would not talk to me very much and I could tell something was wrong. I had to basically drag her out of her little shell to get her to talk, and I would find out she didn't really know what was making her upset, but said she often has that kind of behavior. She claims she was emotionally scared because she felt things for me that she had never felt for anyone else.
Early the next month she said she loved me, and that she has never been in love before, she really started to open up and I could tell she was making progress getting past her issues. I felt it was a good time to start creating some space, because although at this point we lived together (basically) for a month and a half, people need space to be themselves. I was starting to feel so drained from constantly helping her out, and her son. I never really felt like my best interests were at heart.
The night I explained to her that we just needed to see our friends and I wanted to go stay at my house, she thought I was trying to break up with her, she freaked out, almost cried. That weekend she was supposed to visit her mom, so I didn't see her for 2 nights in a row. That sunday she started to really freak out, she sent me like 10 text messages saying how much she loved me and needed me, and that the time apart made her realize how much she wanted to be with me. I was like.. where did this come from. So I called her to reassure her that everything was ok on my end.
I came home Sunday and figured we would have a great romantic evening, but instead she was more distant than I have ever seen her, without going into detail I had to abort sex halfway through because I could tell she was on some other planet in her head.
That week she made plans to spend time with her friends and coworkers every night, would not call me, and responded to my texts with short answers. It was obvious something was wrong, I kept asking but she assured me everything was ok. She told me she loved me and wanted me to spend the night mid week. The next morning I walked her to her car before work, she said I love you, kissed me goodbye and went to work.
She didn't talk to me all day. Two days passed and on friday of the same week, she emailed me and said she wanted to talk. I ended up calling her that night (she made various excuses to not talk to me or meet.) and she said she never loved me in the first place and she wanted to break up. She claimed it was the "idea" of me that she fell in love with, and that she is completely fine on her own. I tried to find out the reason for her change in attitude, and even brought up that I knew something was wrong, and why she didn't tell me sooner. She said she was hoping that "love" feeling would come back, but it never did.
She also became very angry, she started to come up with crazy things that were not true, or just illogical. She said I never helped around the house, and she felt like I was being a freeloader. She said I never offered to help with bills ect. (I cleaned daily, did dished, vacuumed, cleaned up her kids toys. Also offered to help with rent on 5 occasions, and actually cut a check to her landlord for utilities.)
She could not come up with any reasons other than she didn't love me, to break up with me. I was very polite on the phone, we met two days later to get my things. She came to my work and threatened to just leave them at my car unless I left work early to meet her. I tried to talk with her to see what the real reason was, but she was emotionless, said she didn't care about us, gave me my things and left.
So here is my problem, why can't I get her out of my head? There was no future for us, it was obvious throughout the relationship that she had major issues that needed to either be fixed or it would end up causing problems one way or the other. The way she treated me and my feelings towards the end was rutheless and probably the most uncaring thing anyone has done to me.
She also accused me of being "obsessive" with her son because I bought him puzzles and tried to spend time with him. That really pissed me off. I was trying to care for her kid, which she told me she wanted a man that would do exactly what I did!
I think it is possible this bothers me so much because it simply does not make sense, and I feel like I failed or something. I really don't know why I feel so upset about the whole thing. I'm angry and depressed. I got a pretty bad case of anxiety during that last week because I knew something was very wrong.
Any thoughts? Thanks for reading, I know it was long!
I'll try to keep this abridged.
Met her online, we talked everynight for 4 nights straight, 2-3 hour conversations. We had so much in common regarding what we wanted in life, we both had INFJ/INTJ traits. (The irony is I thought I was a INTJ and her a INFJ, it was the other way around.)
She has a son who is 2 1/2, normally I would not date someone with a kid, but I was willing to make the effort because she seemed like someone who I would really click with.
First couple dates are amazing, she ends up asking me to stay the night after the 4th date (Not necessarily sexual). This is where the first red flag came up, she wanted me to stay every night, and to see her every day after work. At first it was nice to have someone to come home to, right when I got to the point of telling her I wanted to stay at my place some nights, she told me about problem set #1.
Her ex husband cheated on her right after they had their son. Every man she had ever known had abandoned her and hurt her. So I felt like I needed to show her I was not going to just run off. So I stayed every night, but still brought up the fact we would need some space.
Issue #2, my ex wife and I are good friends, no romantic attraction at all. She found this to be extremely threatening and often tried to manipulate me into thinking my ex wanted me back, which did not work. She also was very threatened by ex girlfriends in general, girls on facebook I dated like 6 years ago! So I tried to tell myself, she was this way because the ex cheated, so I would just let it go and hope she eventually dropped it.
I spent a lot of time with her and her son, we grew very close. We would do things like go to the zoo, take her son to the park ect. Every night we would read him stories and put him to bed together. The whole thing was really growing on me (after the initial awkwardness, I have no children.)
She said she has never seen anyone care so much for her son (besides her), and seemed to like it.
I noticed from time to time she would retreat inward and block me out for a couple days at a time. She would not talk to me very much and I could tell something was wrong. I had to basically drag her out of her little shell to get her to talk, and I would find out she didn't really know what was making her upset, but said she often has that kind of behavior. She claims she was emotionally scared because she felt things for me that she had never felt for anyone else.
Early the next month she said she loved me, and that she has never been in love before, she really started to open up and I could tell she was making progress getting past her issues. I felt it was a good time to start creating some space, because although at this point we lived together (basically) for a month and a half, people need space to be themselves. I was starting to feel so drained from constantly helping her out, and her son. I never really felt like my best interests were at heart.
The night I explained to her that we just needed to see our friends and I wanted to go stay at my house, she thought I was trying to break up with her, she freaked out, almost cried. That weekend she was supposed to visit her mom, so I didn't see her for 2 nights in a row. That sunday she started to really freak out, she sent me like 10 text messages saying how much she loved me and needed me, and that the time apart made her realize how much she wanted to be with me. I was like.. where did this come from. So I called her to reassure her that everything was ok on my end.
I came home Sunday and figured we would have a great romantic evening, but instead she was more distant than I have ever seen her, without going into detail I had to abort sex halfway through because I could tell she was on some other planet in her head.
That week she made plans to spend time with her friends and coworkers every night, would not call me, and responded to my texts with short answers. It was obvious something was wrong, I kept asking but she assured me everything was ok. She told me she loved me and wanted me to spend the night mid week. The next morning I walked her to her car before work, she said I love you, kissed me goodbye and went to work.
She didn't talk to me all day. Two days passed and on friday of the same week, she emailed me and said she wanted to talk. I ended up calling her that night (she made various excuses to not talk to me or meet.) and she said she never loved me in the first place and she wanted to break up. She claimed it was the "idea" of me that she fell in love with, and that she is completely fine on her own. I tried to find out the reason for her change in attitude, and even brought up that I knew something was wrong, and why she didn't tell me sooner. She said she was hoping that "love" feeling would come back, but it never did.
She also became very angry, she started to come up with crazy things that were not true, or just illogical. She said I never helped around the house, and she felt like I was being a freeloader. She said I never offered to help with bills ect. (I cleaned daily, did dished, vacuumed, cleaned up her kids toys. Also offered to help with rent on 5 occasions, and actually cut a check to her landlord for utilities.)
She could not come up with any reasons other than she didn't love me, to break up with me. I was very polite on the phone, we met two days later to get my things. She came to my work and threatened to just leave them at my car unless I left work early to meet her. I tried to talk with her to see what the real reason was, but she was emotionless, said she didn't care about us, gave me my things and left.
So here is my problem, why can't I get her out of my head? There was no future for us, it was obvious throughout the relationship that she had major issues that needed to either be fixed or it would end up causing problems one way or the other. The way she treated me and my feelings towards the end was rutheless and probably the most uncaring thing anyone has done to me.
She also accused me of being "obsessive" with her son because I bought him puzzles and tried to spend time with him. That really pissed me off. I was trying to care for her kid, which she told me she wanted a man that would do exactly what I did!
I think it is possible this bothers me so much because it simply does not make sense, and I feel like I failed or something. I really don't know why I feel so upset about the whole thing. I'm angry and depressed. I got a pretty bad case of anxiety during that last week because I knew something was very wrong.
Any thoughts? Thanks for reading, I know it was long!
She loved you because she needed you and when she realised just how musch she loved you and needed you it was like she was in awe of and was truly appreciating how selfless you all can be. Its soet of an iF thing. and That's what she meant by liking the idea of you.
and then she had to go spend the weekend with her mom, time in which she probably spent distancing herself from you emotionally. She probably came around to the idea that she had only, needed you that's why she cared so much about you. And now she was over it back on her feet and just wanted to put it all behind her. Also, INTJs like to think of themselves as strong and independent and all that time she was neededing you she probly felt self hating in a way, very weak and pathetic an idea which probably angered her greatly. So what must have happened is that ina ll his time apart she began to associate you not as her saving grace but to associate you with a very difficult period of her life and all these negative feelings. But once you became associated with such negativity the damage was done, and as much as she tried she couldn't bring herself to love you. She just didn't need you anymore.
