Can't make sense of this.

[Blind Bandit]

This recent breakup is actually what made me realize i'm a INFJ and not a INTJ. However, I cannot make any sense of this situation. Would you be so kind as to tell me what you think?

I'll try to keep this abridged.

Met her online, we talked everynight for 4 nights straight, 2-3 hour conversations. We had so much in common regarding what we wanted in life, we both had INFJ/INTJ traits. (The irony is I thought I was a INTJ and her a INFJ, it was the other way around.)

She has a son who is 2 1/2, normally I would not date someone with a kid, but I was willing to make the effort because she seemed like someone who I would really click with.

First couple dates are amazing, she ends up asking me to stay the night after the 4th date (Not necessarily sexual). This is where the first red flag came up, she wanted me to stay every night, and to see her every day after work. At first it was nice to have someone to come home to, right when I got to the point of telling her I wanted to stay at my place some nights, she told me about problem set #1.

Her ex husband cheated on her right after they had their son. Every man she had ever known had abandoned her and hurt her. So I felt like I needed to show her I was not going to just run off. So I stayed every night, but still brought up the fact we would need some space.

Issue #2, my ex wife and I are good friends, no romantic attraction at all. She found this to be extremely threatening and often tried to manipulate me into thinking my ex wanted me back, which did not work. She also was very threatened by ex girlfriends in general, girls on facebook I dated like 6 years ago! So I tried to tell myself, she was this way because the ex cheated, so I would just let it go and hope she eventually dropped it.

I spent a lot of time with her and her son, we grew very close. We would do things like go to the zoo, take her son to the park ect. Every night we would read him stories and put him to bed together. The whole thing was really growing on me (after the initial awkwardness, I have no children.)
She said she has never seen anyone care so much for her son (besides her), and seemed to like it.

I noticed from time to time she would retreat inward and block me out for a couple days at a time. She would not talk to me very much and I could tell something was wrong. I had to basically drag her out of her little shell to get her to talk, and I would find out she didn't really know what was making her upset, but said she often has that kind of behavior. She claims she was emotionally scared because she felt things for me that she had never felt for anyone else.

Early the next month she said she loved me, and that she has never been in love before, she really started to open up and I could tell she was making progress getting past her issues. I felt it was a good time to start creating some space, because although at this point we lived together (basically) for a month and a half, people need space to be themselves. I was starting to feel so drained from constantly helping her out, and her son. I never really felt like my best interests were at heart.

The night I explained to her that we just needed to see our friends and I wanted to go stay at my house, she thought I was trying to break up with her, she freaked out, almost cried. That weekend she was supposed to visit her mom, so I didn't see her for 2 nights in a row. That sunday she started to really freak out, she sent me like 10 text messages saying how much she loved me and needed me, and that the time apart made her realize how much she wanted to be with me. I was like.. where did this come from. So I called her to reassure her that everything was ok on my end.

I came home Sunday and figured we would have a great romantic evening, but instead she was more distant than I have ever seen her, without going into detail I had to abort sex halfway through because I could tell she was on some other planet in her head.

That week she made plans to spend time with her friends and coworkers every night, would not call me, and responded to my texts with short answers. It was obvious something was wrong, I kept asking but she assured me everything was ok. She told me she loved me and wanted me to spend the night mid week. The next morning I walked her to her car before work, she said I love you, kissed me goodbye and went to work.

She didn't talk to me all day. Two days passed and on friday of the same week, she emailed me and said she wanted to talk. I ended up calling her that night (she made various excuses to not talk to me or meet.) and she said she never loved me in the first place and she wanted to break up. She claimed it was the "idea" of me that she fell in love with, and that she is completely fine on her own. I tried to find out the reason for her change in attitude, and even brought up that I knew something was wrong, and why she didn't tell me sooner. She said she was hoping that "love" feeling would come back, but it never did.

She also became very angry, she started to come up with crazy things that were not true, or just illogical. She said I never helped around the house, and she felt like I was being a freeloader. She said I never offered to help with bills ect. (I cleaned daily, did dished, vacuumed, cleaned up her kids toys. Also offered to help with rent on 5 occasions, and actually cut a check to her landlord for utilities.)

She could not come up with any reasons other than she didn't love me, to break up with me. I was very polite on the phone, we met two days later to get my things. She came to my work and threatened to just leave them at my car unless I left work early to meet her. I tried to talk with her to see what the real reason was, but she was emotionless, said she didn't care about us, gave me my things and left.

So here is my problem, why can't I get her out of my head? There was no future for us, it was obvious throughout the relationship that she had major issues that needed to either be fixed or it would end up causing problems one way or the other. The way she treated me and my feelings towards the end was rutheless and probably the most uncaring thing anyone has done to me.

She also accused me of being "obsessive" with her son because I bought him puzzles and tried to spend time with him. That really pissed me off. I was trying to care for her kid, which she told me she wanted a man that would do exactly what I did!

I think it is possible this bothers me so much because it simply does not make sense, and I feel like I failed or something. I really don't know why I feel so upset about the whole thing. I'm angry and depressed. I got a pretty bad case of anxiety during that last week because I knew something was very wrong.

Any thoughts? Thanks for reading, I know it was long!

First off *hugs* that sounds rough. But good work trying to struggle through it.

Just a quick observation she had emotional issue from what you said she had issues that needed resolution.

I don't know if they where even apparent to her or not. But it seems she just wasn't in a state to be in a relationship at that time.

I know that doesn't help much but she sounds like she has issues she must work through before she would be well enough to be with someone else.

You can't get her out of your head because you loved her. Probably still do. There are some people in our lives that we can 100% say that we love. But the thing is, you think just because you have feelings for this person and that you click in so many ways that you are meant to be with them and that you won't find anyone that you have more of a connection with. I have found that there are two equally important things in a relationship: The connection and then everything else. It all has to slot into place for it all to work.

What I'm saying is that even if you are feeling like I've blown it and it was my best chance yet, the point is that it was never going to work because there were too many issues there making you both unhappy. Once you feel like it was never going to happen any other way, you weren't meant to be together, and it wasn't good for you, you should find it easier to more on. Given time!

I agree I know I tend to form very strong bonds with people who are important to me and its very hard to let those go. It dose indeed take time.

Foureyes,

Your post made complete sense actually, basically I was used to help her regain her emotional stability. So like you said it was a success for her, at the cost of my feelings and being heartbroken. So in a way, she is a selfish evil person, because in a sense, she needed something from me. Like you said the "idea" of me. She gave me what I needed in order to get what she needed, once she got it she was done.

That seems easy enough to say, but I don't believe it. I can't believe that someone I loved so much, was in reality this evil selfish person. I keep telling myself she is confused and is not sure what to do. It was easier for her to just end things, rather than face the constant pressure of me trying to fix the relationship/find out what is really wrong.

I'm wondering if my primary problem is that I keep expecting her to realize she was confused and that she had a great thing. If she was willing to face those problems, it could actually end up being very healthy, and could end up making the relationship even stronger, if we got back together and took our time to make sure things were going right.

So the bottom line is i'm still hoping she will come around, someone help me make that feeling go away. I'm such a hopeful person, even in situations that are obviously not going to happen, or turn out well.

I hate to say it but I know I have sort of a savior complex some time and I wouldn't be surprised if other INFJ males have a twinge of this same trait. In that we want to help the down and out and we are willing to be the knight in shining armor. its hard not too.

As for those feelings I know how that feels. It gets better but you will need time to put some distance in between those feelings.

You also need to know you deserve to be treated better. You are a good person and I'm sure someone will be glad to have you and treat you with respect.

I understand that you are saying she established that I was connected with negative thoughts, but she blocked out all the good thoughts to get to that point. I noticed that she no longer focused on the good, the possibilities. She became completely pragmatic, and nothing I could do would bring her out of it.

I only wish we had more time towards the end to just have fun and enjoy each other's company. It seemed like serious issues came up between her job and being unhappy, and her son's father. She all the sudden had to face all these serious problems, but did not want to have to lean on me to get through them.

If a relationship has a rough patch, you are supposed to work through it and you will come out even stronger. Instead she just ran away.

And I completely understand your point, you are not confusing me. Its like the answer is staring me in the face. She used me, that is the bottom line. Why then do I care so much about her?

This is where I wish I was a INTJ. I want to remove her from my mind, my soul and my heart. She does not deserve someone like me, the fact that I can't seem to move on is infuriating me.

It is always the "what ifs" that drive me more crazy than anything. I keep telling myself, well what if she realizes all you did and comes back.

However I know that what you say is true, she used me, regained her confidence and is moving on. Thinking back, it is actually a pattern. She stays with most men she has dated for about 2 months. She probably falls for them, then makes them out to be horrible in her mind, then leaves them. This is probably very empowering for her. She is like a friggin black widow.

Ya it sometimes really sucks being an INFJ that Fe can reek havoc on a person. My best advice is to deal with as much of it as you can now feel bad, get it out and don't repress it. Repression only makes it worst and then you have even less control.

 

[sumone]

The previous responses have been good ones.
To me she does sound like she's got quite a few things to work out. She doesn't sound mean or evil though, just defensive and confused. It's probably good that you're getting out now. Hurts though. I'm sorry.

 

[foureyes]

Alcyone,

You response is exactly what I wanted/needed to hear. It is nice to encounter another strong INFJ. Generally i'm strong as hell, but this one has me a mess.

I would like to say everyone's response has really helped a lot. I have realized that she used me, and karma is a bitch. Sometimes I think its ok to view things the way they are. She is the one who will ultimately be alone, not me.

I'm really glad that's how you've chosen to think about the situation. All things considered, that prolly is the best perspective you can take.
I mean it would basically be a useless unsatisfying waste of energy to try and feel pity for her. Your very right actually. As far your corcerned she toatlly and heartlessly used you so I'd say that's a very fair way to be thinking about it.
However, its def not the fairest way to think about.
But I think its most impostant that you get over her fisrt before you start worrying about things like fairness. THere's alot more I could say about the topic but I'm not sure how good an idea that would be because your still recovering right now and I would hate to in any way fuck up your healing process.
However I will say this tho; Don't take my educated guessing as strict explanation for why she acted that way. Idk for sure the real reasons why. And with my explanaition, I was only explaning her actions after she had been emotionally fucked over, so my explanation was lacking alot. If you really wanted to understand her side of it you'd have to go back to the relationship that damaged her in this way, and then the situation might seem more clear.
Ultimately, I feel like we don't know her past so its unfair of us to juge.
That's all.

 

[nfuerfuau3873]

I know what you need.... a f**k buddy.

I know, it sounds weird/wrong, whatever. To be honest, f**k buddies are the best relationships I ever had ever! I'm serious.

Girlfriend = Usually someone you like because they share some interests you do OR they are completely different and that somehow intruiges you. You go out a couple of times and by the third date you are sleeping together. You become gf/bf and suddenly sex dies a bit. It doesn't matter though because luckily you have a honey moon period to totally blind you. Once the veil of honey moon period goes you suddenly realise that they don't understand you even in the slightest. Couldn't give two sh*ts about your intellectual interests and/or just totally have no understanding of anything requiring an IQ above 87 (the cross-over point between humans and other animals).

F**k buddies = No strings attached. They are interested in purely the physical fulfillment you offer one another and may take a glancing interest in something you are interested in. Generally the most attractive part of this relatinoship is that nothing is expected of you except to do your best at enjoying yourself. You also know exactly where you stand. There are no illusions of love or need or commitments.... you meet up, scratch the itch and then you go out to the pub or whatever interests you. Usually you will meet your f**k buddy in a place that interests you... obviously this means they are interested in the same thing.


I'm not saying that certain attributes are not present in both relationship styles.... I just prefer the latter.

 

[Orion]

From that description, I definitely prefer girlfriends.

 

[nfuerfuau3873]

No way. I hate getting emotionally involved with people. Really hate it. There is so much at stake that whoever you are with will NEVER understand or appreciate. When you emotionally "install" yourself to another person, they have that piece and they can do whatever they want with it and you end up dancing to their tune.
I have loved obviously. I have given part of my being to another... and they had no idea of what I had given them, putting more value on my financial income or how I would impress her piers in social situations....

I dunno.... I guess I should prefer someone to get heavily involved with.. but I don't, and in my opinion, for good reason. I suppose I have turned my back on that aspect of realtionships because they don't work.

 

[Orion]

I have felt that, giving someone a part of you only for them to invalidate or ignore or just throw it out the window. But even if I did try to get a fuck buddy, (which wouldn't happen anyway!) I'd just end up getting emotionally involved, like, immediately.

 

[nfuerfuau3873]

There was a time when I would agree with you... but after a trip down some bizarre black hole where everything I did was wrong and I actually believed that, and no matter who I spoke to seemed to hate me and I believed that and no matter what I thought was dark..... I find it harder to get emotionally involved now. A long bout of pure and utter self loathing does it to some people. Not all, and I'm not promoting it.

 

[Orion]

A long bout of pure and utter self loathing does it to some people. Not all, and I'm not promoting it.

I feel I've been through that and now I'm just starting to see the light. I don't wanna go back to it, I'll keep working and finding a way to get that kind of relationship.

 

[Tamagochi]

we've got an interesting case Watson

First let's line up the facts (I know it's such an 'S' thing to say but it's very beneficial when dealing with NF problems):

1. That woman had emotional problems regarding trust and expression of emotions from the time before you met her. It's very probable that she was the one who had been dumped by her former husband and for a good reason.
2. Your initial reaction was very positive on both sides. That only means that you're compatible in some ways. For one she needed a knight in a white armor and you needed a damsel in distress. There might have been more.
3. After a successful start she began showing some strange behavior (by over-attaching to you).
4. Meanwhile you've noticed that something was wrong but continued to play a knight by helping her out in various ways. Your feelings grew and hers withered.
5. Things started to fall apart when she forcibly distanced herself from you.
6. You broke up.
7. You're wondering wtf had just happened.

Now my interpretation of things.

Since it's very obvious that she had major emotional issues from her past I think it might hold the key. From my limited knowledge of psychology there's a common pattern of behavior that relates to her situation:a very deep conviction that she's not worth of having a satisfying relationship. It is barely conscious and can wreak a total havoc when gone unchecked.

When you've just met her she was in deepshit and knight/damsel roles fit you both very well. But that's the point - when you're playing a role you're not being real. So that's what she might have meant by saying that she fell in love with the idea. Even if for you it was real she did not have means to verify your claim. Next comes that issue of hers of not being worthy to be loved. She had demonstrated that very clearly in step 3 (she was terrified of the idea that she will lose you and tried to keep you very close). But when you did not run away like she was unconsciously expecting of you that complex of hers changed tactics. She began sabotaging the relationship herself while putting a blame on you. The idea of her own worthlessness was too strong to overcome: accepting your love would have meant that her entire image of herself up to that point was false. Things started to fall apart fast from there.

Some afterthoughts: I do not think she was evil and did those things on purpose. What I see is a very confused and unhappy woman who has deep psychological problems and cannot break free of them. She probably hates herself for what she's done but cannot truthfully explain why she did it.

And for you (if you will ever get into a situation like this) I would advice a change of tactics. You being nice and supportive is just what have scared the shit out of her when she had stopped playing the damsel role and tried to be real. She just wasn't ready for such royalties.

 

[Exodus]

Tamagochi, great breakdown. I think you are correct on many levels. I don't think I should stop being a nice and supportive person in general. I believe I will find someone who is healthy and appreciates the way I am.

This particular girl will not have a healthy relationship with ANY man, until she gets her issues straightened out. She needs professional help.

I realize now that it is very unhealthy for me to be in a relationship with her. I was giving 100% she was taking about 20% and shitting the rest of it away because she didn't know what to do with it. She couldn't give me anything because her own issues consumed her.

She did often say she didn't deserve someone like me, and felt worthless. I think that is why she pushed me away, because you are right. In order to be with me, and be happy, she would have to face her demons head on and get through them. It is just easier for her to stay fucked up, its her comfort zone.

It does sadden me because without help she is going to live a miserable life. I really felt I could help her.

On the other hand, I would like to have my own family, and a future girlfriend that cares for me as much as I care for her.

 

[the]

The problem is that she is a woman and batshit crazy on top of that! Like any relationship you will just need time and possibly several new sexual partners to get her out of your head. Just my experience with the subject.

Something that struck me was that she said she had never been in love before, I wouldnt trust someone who said that to me. Maybe she had never been that in love before but surely she was in love at some point in her life.

 

[the]

From that description, I definitely prefer girlfriends.

I definitely agree.

 

[Tamagochi]

The problem is that she is a woman and batshit crazy on top of that!

and the proposed solution to that problem - date guys?

 

[foureyes]

Omg of course! Guilt! I didn't even think of that as being a possible reason, or anything else for that matter, my mind was just set on abuse but that would make so much sense!
Thank you Tamagochi

 

[Exodus]

So lets summarize:
1. Batshit crazy
2. Likely not evil
3. Mad issues
4. Self destructive behavior
5. Pushes loved ones away, getting them to either break up with her, or she does it once she makes herself hate them
6. Horrible in bed
7. Yes I went there
8. Possibly a good human being, but needs to get help, get fixed, and then can have a healthy relationship

You guys helped a ton, makes so much more sense now.

 

[the]

and the proposed solution to that problem - date guys?

Thats a possible one. A better one would be to just stay single and leave everyones drama to themselves.

 

[Fizzitster]

And I completely understand your point, you are not confusing me. Its like the answer is staring me in the face. She used me, that is the bottom line. Why then do I care so much about her?

This is where I wish I was a INTJ. I want to remove her from my mind, my soul and my heart. She does not deserve someone like me, the fact that I can't seem to move on is infuriating me.

...

However I know that what you say is true, she used me, regained her confidence and is moving on. Thinking back, it is actually a pattern. She stays with most men she has dated for about 2 months. She probably falls for them, then makes them out to be horrible in her mind, then leaves them. This is probably very empowering for her. She is like a friggin black widow.

Learn this and learn it well: though INTJs are only one letter different from us, they are very different. To an INTJ, life is a giant chessboard - all you have to do to succeed is pick the strategy with the highest payoff.

 

[sumone]

I see through this that you should learn a good lesson about boundary breaking yourself. When I think about it I can see where you trampled boundaries all over the place.
You slept over too soon.
You didn't have a good set of personal boundaries in place, in the first place.
You started playing the mommy and daddy too soon. This is, in a way breaking the child's boundaries.
Everything just seemed to happen too fast with your whole relationship. She was way too needy and if you had stepped back and looked at the whole thing realistically, right from the get go, you might have reacted and acted differently.
Learn from this and go into your next relationship with wider eyes. You'll save yourself a lot of time and pain.
But I also agree with whoever said it above, that it was nice she had you in her life for the time she did.

 

[the]

I see through this that you should learn a good lesson about boundary breaking yourself. When I think about it I can see where you trampled boundaries all over the place.
You slept over too soon.
You didn't have a good set of personal boundaries in place, in the first place.
You started playing the mommy and daddy too soon. This is, in a way breaking the child's boundaries.
Everything just seemed to happen too fast with your whole relationship. She was way too needy and if you had stepped back and looked at the whole thing realistically, right from the get go, you might have reacted and acted differently.
Learn from this and go into your next relationship with wider eyes. You'll save yourself a lot of time and pain.
But I also agree with whoever said it above, that it was nice she had you in her life for the time she did.

Good observations. I agree.